776 Stupidest Things Ever Said (7 page)

BOOK: 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
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I could’ve probably said that.

Some of Yogi’s Best:
  • I want to thank all those who made this night necessary.

    (addressing the crowd at a 1947 event in his honor)

  • You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if it isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.

  • Mantle’s a switch hitter because he’s amphibious.

  • How can you say this and that when this and that hasn’t happened yet?

  • If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.

  • A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more.

  • I don’t know, I’m not in shape yet.

    (when asked his cap size)

  • He is a big clog in their machine.

    (reportedly talking about Ted Williams)

  • Slump, I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.

  • I got a touch of pantomime poisoning.

    (explaining to his manager, Casey Stengel, why he couldn’t play a game)

  • If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

  • How can you think and hit at the same time?

  • I wish I had an answer to that because I’m getting tired of answering that question.

    (in response to a question about the ’84 Yankees’ dismal record)

G
On Gab, the Gift of:

Well, I think that’s a—it’s had some difficult times but I think we have—we, I think, have been able to make some very good progress and it’s—I would say that it’s—it’s—it’s delightful that we’re able to—to share the time and the relationship that we—that we do share.

Senator Edward Kennedy, during a November 4, 1979, on-air interview with Roger Mudd, trying to answer the question “What is the present state of your marriage?”

On Gab, the Gift of:

Well, I’m going to kick that one right into the end zone of the Secretary of Education. But, yes, we have all—he travels a good deal, goes abroad. We have a lot of people in the department that does that. We’re having an international—this is not as much education as dealing with the environment—a big international conference coming up. And we get it all the time—exchanges of ideas.

President George Bush, in February 1990, answering a high school student’s questions about whether the Bush administration was getting ideas on education from other countries

On Gab, the Gift of:

But let me—I better switch over here for some more—and may I—a question—and I don’t mean to offend with regard to follow-up—and I understand why you had them, but we’ve been reduced to the number of questions we get to ask when everybody has a follow-up. So ask them both at once.

President Ronald Reagan during a 1984 press conference

On Gay Rights, L.A.P.D. and:

It’s easier to thump a faggot than an average Joe. Who cares?

a Los Angeles police officer, quoted in the Christopher Commission Report

On Geography:

You mean there are two Koreas?

a U.S. Ambassador-designate to the Far East, after being asked his opinion during congressional hearings on the North Korea-South Korea conflict, as reported by government officials

On Geography:

Ballarat is the fairest city south of the hemisphere.

Edward Murphy, Legislative Assemblyman from Victoria, Australia

On Geography:

The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400 inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street.

Morse’s Geography, the premier geography textbook in the United States during the 1800s

On Geography:

This is the greatest country in America.

Ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson

On Geography:

I favor this irrigation bill in order that we may turn the barren hills of my state into fruitful valleys.

a senator, as reported by Massachusetts State Senator John F. Parker, in support of a pork-barrel bill

On Geography, Politicians’ Knowledge of:

This is morally repugnant to millions of people, not only in the United States, but also in the 24th Congressional District.

Representative Alfred Santangelo of New York, in a debate on setting up a national lottery

On Georgia, Proud Boasts About:

Georgia produces enough fine apples each year for every man, woman and child in the state to have two bushels.

Georgia’s sanitarium for the insane has for the past year every bed occupied and many waiting to be taken in.

from the
Atlanta Constitution,
1924

On Getting Ahead:

It’s not politics, it’s just who you know.

Paul Guanzon, sportscaster, on how to become one

On Getting Ahead:

It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique.

Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ

On Getting Along with Others:

Contrary to popular belief, I have always had a wonderful repertoire with my players.

Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

On Gloves, Why One Should Wear:

I’m wearing these gloves for my hands.

Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves

On God:

I can’t understand how all this can happen. It’s enough to make one lose one’s faith in God!

Eva Braun, writing to a friend from Hitler’s bunker during the siege and bombing of Berlin in April 1945

On God, Mortality of:

I believe that, next to God, Andrew Jackson was the greatest man who ever lived.

John Trotwood Moore, State Historian of Tennessee, 1920s

On Golf Clubs, Extra Uses for:

[A gun is] a recreational tool, like a golf club or a tennis racket. You can kill someone with a golf club, you know.

Martel Lovelace, NBA official

On Good Advice:

Light pranks add zest to your services, but don’t pull the customer’s ears.

from the Japanese Tourist Industry Board, Rules for Hotel Chambermaids, 1936

On Good Advice, the Flip Side:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

On Good News, Bad News:

The good news is the war is over. The bad news is we lost.

White House photographer David Hume Kennerly, running into the Oval Office on the day Saigon fell to the Communists

On Good Taste:

We’ll have a recording broadcast a fire fight, mortars exploding, bullets flying, Vietnamese screaming…. There’s nothing offensive about it.

a spokesperson for “Vietnam Village,” a 1976 Florida tourist theme park that reproduced a Vietnamese village during the war, complete with 56 Vietnamese refugees playing the parts of the villagers, describing what will happen after a tour group enters the park

On Government, Presidential Knowledge of the (Supposed) Branches of:

You know we have three great branches of this government of ours…. We have a strong President, supposedly in the White House. We have a
strong Congress, supposedly in the legislative branch. We have a strong Supreme Court, supposedly heading the judiciary system.

President Gerald Ford in a 1974 speech

On Government, Truly Responsive:

No unmet needs exist and … current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met.

Transportation Commission on Unmet Transit Needs, Mariposa County, California

On Grammar:

Tenses, Gender, and Number: For the purpose of the rules and regulations contained in this chapter, the present tense includes the past and future tenses, and the future, the present; the masculine gender includes the feminine, and the feminine, the masculine, and the singular includes the plural, and the plural the singular.

in the revised (1973) state code for the Department of Consumer Affairs, California

On Graves, Empty and Full:

… the empty grave where all our ruined industries lie.

J. Ramsay MacDonald, then leader of Labor Party in House of Commons, later British Prime Minister, during a parliamentary debate

On Great Expectations:

As the Reagan presidency ends, it is time for the Bush pregnancy to begin.

Tommy Thompson, Wisconsin governor, anticipating Bush’s inauguration

On Greeks, Stereotypes of:

Retraction: The “Greek Special” is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as … described in [an ad]. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.

a correction printed in the
Daily Californian,
cited in Ronald D. Pasquariello’s
1990 Almanac of Quotable Quotes

On Green Berets:

In a way, we’re a kind of Peace Corps.

training director of the Fort Bragg Green Beret Center in 1969

On Guilty, Innocent Until Proven:

[Hyackers should be given] a rapid trial … with due process of law at the airport, then hanged.

Edward Davis, police chief of Los Angeles in 1973

On Gymnastics, Military:

The pale face of the British soldier is the backbone of our Indian Army.

Scottish M.P. in debate

On Gymnastics, Military:

They would never agree to peace so long as Prussian militarism held its head above water to trample underfoot our liberties.

Sir Edward Carson, Anglo-Irish politician (and lawyer who cross-examined Oscar Wilde), talking about World War I

On Gymnastics, Personal:

She disentangled her foot in the netting and wound it up.

George Eliot, English novelist
(Silas Marner, etc.),
writing in a novel

On Gymnastics, Political:

Gentlemen, a member of this House had taken advantage of my absence to tweak my nose behind my back. I hope that the next time he abuses me behind my back like a coward he will do it to my face like a man, and not go skulking into the thicket to assail a gentleman who isn’t present to defend himself.

a Member of Parliament from Ballarat East, Australia

On Gymnastics, Political:

Against every bone in my body, I’m sitting here twisting both arms.

Representative Claude De Bruhl, North Carolina state legislator, when voting for a bill he opposed

On Gymnastics, Political:

They pushed their nomination down my throat behind my back.

J. Ramsay MacDonald, then British Member of Parliament, later the first Labour Prime Minister in the 1920s and 30s, modestly denying any role in the honor he was about to receive

H
On Haircuts:

Bob Davis is wearing his hair differently this year, short and with curls…. I think you call it a Frisbee.

Jerry Coleman, announcer for the San Diego Padres, on a ball player

On Haircuts:

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

Jerry Coleman, talking about another ball player

On Haircuts:

On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo.

Jerry Coleman, talking about one more ball player

On Hairs, Splitting:

We didn’t turn him down. We didn’t accept him.

Springdale Golf Club (Princeton, NJ) president explaining why a black applicant was rejected. (Runner-up for Second Annual Doublespeak award.)

On Hawaii:

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

Vice-President Dan Quayle, during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

On Health:

I’ve been laid up with the intentional flu.

movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

On Hearing:

So long as Ireland remains silent on this question England will be deaf to our entreaties.

Irish politician, late 1800s

On Helpful Hints:

Warning: Never use while sleeping

warnings with hair dryer, cited in
US News & World Report

On Helpful Hints:

Replacing battery: Replace the old battery with a new one.

directions for a mosquito repeller, reported in
Far Eastern Economic Review

On Hermeneutics, Quickie Definition of:

For John Caputo, hermeneutics means radical thinking without transcendental justification: attending to the ruptures and irregularities in existence before the metaphysics of presence has a chance to smooth them over. Radical Hermeneutics forges a closer collaboration between the hermeneutics and deconstruction than has previously been attempted.

an ad for
Radical Hermeneutics, Repetition, Deconstruction, and the Hermeneutics Project

On Hispanics:

Ecuadorians. I don’t know what they are. I know they’re not Hispanic.

Hazel Dukes, civil rights activist and New York City Off-Track Betting Corporation chief

On History, Finding Precedence in:

We have to go back centuries for a parallel to such treatment, and even then we don’t find it.

anonymous speaker during a British parliamentary debate

On Holding Big Tilings:

I stood in Venice on the Bridge of Sighs, A palace and a prison on each hand.

Romantic poet Lord Byron, in
Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage,
evidently meaning one on each side. This error was noted as early as 1870.

BOOK: 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
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