A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (13 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens

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Page 78

and friends, mainly because my immediate circle sees me as a good listenera good mother. And I was. But I didn't know how to listen to Rachel's pain.

Therapy is a forum, a ritual way of talking, which gives more importance to words than a typical conversation in the kitchen receives. Much of what Rachel and I said in therapyacknowledging our pain and anger and hurtwe had said to each other before. But we didn't know how to listen to one another. I had avoided sitting and hearing her pain. I didn't want to take it in. And my main defense was humorto sweeten up the scene and move on. The result was that she hadn't felt
heard.
Therapy provided a forum for us to communicate directly. It was a ritual, missing in the rest of the culture, that could and did allow us to be closer to each other.

Addiction: A Family Disease

All of these problems that got addressed in family therapy were related to issues in my childhood, the abuse in my marriages, and my drinking. Like many alcoholics, I was a functional drunk. My daughter doesn't remember ever seeing me drunk. The reason she doesn't remember is because I was a quiet drunk for the most part and quit drinking when she was eight. I was quiet and happy when I was drinking and denying the havoc around me.

Page 79

I had thought I was making progress in my second marriage because Jim, my second husband, never beat me up like Rachel's dad did. But he too was filled with rage. He would go on a verbal rampage about once a month and anybody who got in his path was his target. When I faced the pain his rage had caused Rachel, it didn't give me much comfort to know I had made progress. Even though I learned how to draw the line on his emotional abuse, my daughter was deeply hurt by his rage. I continue to make amends to her by the way we live now and by my commitment to be in healthy relationships. When Rachel told the therapist about Jim's verbal abuse, her description was so violent and painful the therapist believed she had been physically abused. Rachel related the following story to her:

I was sitting on the top step above the landing going upstairs and he came up and stood on the landing staring at me. I don't like people to stare at me. His face was red and all the veins in his forehead were popping out. He said, "If you don't stop crying, I'm going to pound you into the floor. If you think I'm going to stick around here and listen to this, you're wrong." And I felt like I couldn't breathe, like he had something around my neck and was going to hang me.

Page 80

Recovery: A Family Process

Hearing my daughter in such pain taught me several things. It taught me again how much words can hurt and that she needs to be heard when she has been hurt. It reminded me of the verbal abuse of my own childhood and how much I had repressed it. It taught me to be gentle when I talk to Rachel. The positive result of having all this pain in the open is that we are both so aware of how verbal abuse can hurt. We have made a commitment to each other not to be in abusive relationships. We talk about our relationships with other peoplefriends, peers, and my family of origin. We are learning how to say, "that hurts" when someone says something verbally abusive. We work on this commitment together.

These were the issues that the therapist led us toand through. Other issues also created changes in our family life. I have set up a more routine schedule now than I had before, with grocery shopping and other chores on specific days. I talk more
directly
with Rachel about our schedule, rules, routines, and feelings. These changes made an enormous difference in the sense of stability in the family.

Page 81

What Are Your Family Issues?
What Needs to Change?

What I've related about our family issues may not be your family's concerns at all. I simply wanted to talk about some of the specific issues I dealt with first as a point of connection. I hope it will help as you look at your life.

In my reading and discussions with other parents and experts in the field, I have concluded that nobody has the slightest idea about a profile of a typical "suicidal family." In fact, I now believe that suicidal thinking may be even more common than I thought and that there are probably many profiles of a typical family, and all of them are accurate.

Following are some of the ideas and issues I've learned about that you may need to face in therapy. By "face in therapy" I mean that painful choices may lie ahead. There are no two ways around it. In order for the family to change, each person has to make some changes. As our therapist says, Rachel's happy with her home life now because she feels she's got me in her life for the first time.

Family Issues and Suicidal Adolescents

Many of the experts on teenagers and suicide seem genuinely baffled. In fact, no one has been able to predict which kids are truly at risk for suicide. But

Page 82

there are some life-and-death situations that do have a devastating effect on children. When these events occur, we need to give children more attention and guidance than ever before. For example, if a parent commits suicide, the children certainly will be haunted for the rest of their lives with thoughts of following this example. All children of suicides need to find special attention and support. Families with histories of depression and suicide need special help. Children who live in a family that is experiencing extreme problems, such as unemployment, chronic illness, and depression of one or both parents are certainly at risk. We might even say that these families fall into a category called Depressive Families.

There are other family situations that are generally regarded as very destructive situations for children to live in. These situations are often cited as factors for children at risk. As you read along, consider which of these situations could be a true factor for your child. Look at your family realistically.

You may not be able to identify problem areas by yourself. You can go to a therapist and simply say, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm willing to look at my life."

I heard one therapist say, "In families where there is a suicidal child, in some way the family is not being open." Outsiders thought that our family looked loving and open, but in some ways it wasn't.

Page 83

I didn't comprehend how Rachel's losses had affected her.

One expert, who wished to remain anonymous, says suicidal kids are
usually
from families where the mother is overinvolved and the father is emotionally absent. Unfortunately, that includes about 90 percent of the people we all know! This comment makes me mad because it is not helpful; it's a guilt trip. Yet look at what this might mean for you, even if the idea is as common as watching the ten o'clock news. Work through your defensiveness. What would have to happen in your family for the father to be more involved?

From these general descriptions, you may not have much of a sense of what you can change. A therapist can help you explore the possibilities. The process of therapy helps us change concepts into behaviors.

Abuse and Its Relation to Suicide

There may also be dangerous things happening to your child that you don't know about. You need to learn what is and isn't dangerous.

Studies show that many suicidal teenagers have been abused. You must determine if your child is being abused. The most common forms of abuse associated with suicidal teenagers are listed at the top of the next page.

Page 84

Sexual abuse.

Alcoholism, chemical dependency of family members.

Physical abuse.

Sexual Abuse Kills the Will to Live

Many children who attempt suicide have been sexually abused. This is true for boys as well as girls. Most have been abused by an adult in the family or a trusted family friend in a position of power over the child. When you are wondering why your child wants to die, one of the first questions to ask yourself is if your child has been sexually assaulted by someone you know. Why is this one of the first questions? Sexual abuse is devastating. There is a straight line from it to self-destructive behaviors. If it's hidden and secret, its power may block any work on other issues until it's out in the open.

Some children are too ashamed and scared to tell until years later, but these same children might have opened up earlier if a therapist had gently yet directly asked them, "Has someone touched you in a place you didn't like? Did someone make you take off your clothes when you said stop?" Direct questions may end the silence.

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