A Season for Tending (23 page)

She couldn’t keep waiting for Michael to come over. She had to go see him. Surely he’d be home on a Thursday night.

“Leah?” Mamm called.

Guilt and fear pressed in, making her hesitant to face her Mamm. She hid the pregnancy test under her pillow and moved to the landing. “Ya?”

Her mother gave her the once-over. “We’re going to my sister’s. Do you want to get ready and go with us?”

“No.”

“You’re sure? She’s making ice cream.”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay. Be good. We’ll be home around ten.”

Her mother stared at her for a long moment.
“Bischt allrecht?”

Leah’s mouth went dry. No, she wasn’t well … not even close. She wanted to curl up in her mother’s arms until all her fears faded into nothingness.

“Ya, Mamm, I’m fine.” Her feet didn’t want to move, but Leah went back into her bedroom. She meandered to the bed and pulled out the pregnancy test. One blue line stared back at her from inside the little window on the stick.

She slid it into her pillowcase and made her bed before she picked up a hairbrush off the nightstand. After she brushed her hair, she pinned it up and bundled it inside her organdy prayer Kapp. She put on her nicest Amish dress—the one that used to be Michael’s favorite.

A light evening breeze stirred the humid air, and June bugs and tree frogs sang loudly as she walked to Michael’s place. With each step she silently rehearsed what she’d say to him. She couldn’t blurt out that she was pregnant. She’d have to lead into it. But by the time she stepped onto his gravel driveway forty minutes later, she still hadn’t come up with a good way to share her news.

His house loomed large and uninviting, but she kept forcing herself to take one step after another. She was almost to the front porch when Michael barreled out the door, holding a set of keys. She’d been with him when he bought the old car he kept hidden behind the barn.

Once at the foot of the porch steps, he saw her and stopped short. “Leah. What are you doing here?”

“I … We need to talk.”

His eyes moved down her. “You look good.” He headed for the back of the barn. “Maybe next week sometime,” he called over his shoulder.

She hurried to catch up with him. “Got plans with that girl from the party?”

“No.” He opened his car door. “Just meetin’ some of the guys.”

“Michael,” she said more forcefully, “could you manage to give me five minutes?”

He sighed and closed the door without getting inside. He leaned against his car, and for the first time in quite a while, he finally seemed to see her. “You still upset over what happened at the party?”

“It was very hurtful, but, no, that’s not what this is about.”

He paused, studying her. “What’s wrong?”

This was the man she knew him to be, caring and gentle. Even though she dreaded telling him, she clung to the hope that he would step up and offer to marry her.

“I need you not to be in a hurry.”

He stared off in the distance as if he was deciding what was most important. “Okay.” He shrugged. “Forget the guys. Now I’m no longer in a hurry. What’s up?”

Had he always been this wishy-washy? From the corner of her eye, she saw someone moving around in the barn, probably his Daed. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

His lopsided grin worked its way into her heart again. “Maybe walk to our secret place?”

“That’d be nice.”

He went to the trunk of his car and opened it. He pulled out a large rolled-up blanket. They walked in silence down a dirt lane toward the small pond on the edge of his land. Trees surrounded it, and a thin trail led through the four-feet-high underbrush. Once they were on the other side of that, no one could hear or see them. He’d brought her here before, and although she’d once loved this place and all that had happened here between them, she felt uneasy.

He stopped at the small clearing and spread out their picnic blanket. Leah sat.

Michael took a spot several inches from her, stretching out his long legs and leaning back on his hands. “I’ve been wanting to come by your place for a while now.”

“Then why on earth haven’t you?”

“Figured you were too angry.” He plucked some dried grass from the ground beside him. “I don’t remember a lot about that night, but I know I was a drunken jerk.”

“The only thing worse than being a jerk is being one who doesn’t apologize.”

“Ya, I guess so.” He leaned back on his elbows. “I’ve missed you. If I’d thought you might forgive me, I’d have come to see you.”

“You always seem up for trying new things. Maybe you should’ve tried acting like a man and apologized.”

“This is you not angry? I was supposed to come crawling to you with an apology so you could rake me over the coals? No thanks.”

“I could’ve used some support.”

“Support? What for?”

She tried to say the words, to tell him she was expecting, but she couldn’t manage it.

“Leah?”

“I’m pregnant.”

Jacob stood at a pay phone outside a gas station, waiting for Sandra’s answering machine to pick up.

“Hello?”

She’d finally answered, and he couldn’t manage to find his voice.

“You have to the count of zero to speak up.”

“It’s me.”

“Oh.”

That was it? That’s all she had to say? Jacob gripped the phone tighter, reminding himself that he’d never know what it’d done to her to lose her husband as she had. He had to keep doing what he thought was right, but the fact was she’d only answered the phone because she didn’t recognize the number. “I won’t take long. I just needed to know if you’re keeping your head above water.” A couple of loud talkers walked from a gas pump toward the store, and he missed what Sandra said. He turned the other way, trying to block out the noise. “Could you repeat that?”

“I said that I … I don’t blame you.”

He swallowed hard, wishing he could believe her.

“I followed your advice, and I’m feeling better these days, even thinking about going back to school.”

Her willingness to share a small part of herself again encouraged him. Maybe healing had begun. “That’s great. Do they give degrees for being the queen of trivia?”

“I wish. If random, useless pieces of information had any value, I’d be rich.”

“You’re healthy and alive and have your daughter. You are rich.”

“That and the money you send. You have to stop. Well, not yet, but soon.”

He chuckled. “More double-talk, Sandra?”

“You want to hear confusing jabber? Wait until Casey wakes up from her nap.”

Despite their best efforts to be encouraging and kind to each other, the conversation sounded hollow. But it was the best one they’d had in almost two years. He’d stay right here, standing in front of a gas station, and talk for as long as she was willing.

TWENTY-ONE

Leah’s heart pounded as Michael paced back and forth in front of the small blanket.

He moaned and muttered to himself. His eyes met hers and were wide with fear. “You’re sure?”

“I took the test today.”

He sighed and sat down beside her. “I suppose this means we’ll have to get married.”

Not exactly the proposal she’d imagined, but at least he was leaning in the right direction. “It’ll be rough on both of us for a while.” She moved her hand across the blanket and closer to his, hoping he’d take the hint and hold it. He didn’t. “Our families and the community will need some time to adjust.” That was putting it mildly. But she had to present this in the best light possible, at least until he made a commitment to do right by her.

She wondered if she should mention the possibility of moving away.

“I do love you, you know.” She moved her hand over his, slowly caressing it with her gentle touch.

Michael wrapped his arms around her, cocooning her in a warm embrace she wished would never end. He kissed the nape of her neck, and warmth spread throughout her.

He paused, gazing into her eyes with longing and desire. “Maybe we could make this work in our favor.” He cupped her face in his hands and tenderly kissed her lips.

Leah never felt beautiful except in his embrace. Relief that he was willing to marry her ran through her veins. Everything was going to work out after all.
He loved her! She returned his kiss with passion and abandon. Tears of sweet release trickled down her cheeks.

His hand moved to bare skin near her ankle and eased up her leg. Leah’s skin tingled. This was the father of her child. Her future husband. The man she’d spend the rest of her life with—having babies, raising children, building a life.

His fingers skimmed over her knee, slowly reaching higher.

“Michael,” she whispered between kisses.

“Shhh. We’re fine.” His voice was husky as he gazed into her eyes with all the love she’d always imagined seeing in them.

“I don’t think we should.”

He patted the blanket. “It’s all right, Leah. Just relax.”

She pushed his hand away, lowering her skirt. “This doesn’t feel right.” She had made a vow to herself: no more messing around. She was already suffering the consequences. But how could she reject his affection?

He glanced around. “Don’t worry. No one will see us.”

If Michael was going to be her husband, she needed to trust him. Yet as he lowered his suspenders and began unbuttoning his pants, Leah went from feeling loved to feeling cheap. He pushed his hand under her dress again.

Leah ached to nestle against him, to feel him hold her in his strong arms and whisper words of love and desire for her. She wanted their intimate time handled in the right way now. “We need to wait”—her breath came in shallow gasps—“until we’re married, please.”

“It’s not like we haven’t already done it.” He kissed her face while pulling her closer.

Done it?
How could he refer to their time in such a crude manner?

“And since you’re already pregnant,” Michael mumbled around his kisses, “we don’t have to use protection.” His hand tugged at her to lie down. But she felt like a heifer he was trying to brand, property to be taken and possessed.

She pushed him away. “Michael, stop. If you love me, you’d at least try to understand how I feel.” Her words caught her off guard.
If
he loved her?

She doubted how he felt?

He tugged at her again. “I can tell you want it as much as I do.” He reached under her billowing skirt, putting his hand on her knee.

She recoiled and pulled away. “Do you even care about me at all?”

He looked hurt. “How can you ask that? Of course I care about you.” He stroked her arm softly. “We’ve always had something special between us, Leah. You’ve been there for me, no matter what.”

That was true, at least. She had been faithful to him for as long as she’d known him, even when he chased other girls, treated her poorly, or cast her aside after he got his way. And she always came back to him when he finally looked her way again, accepting any crumb of attention he was willing to give.

What a fool she was.

She scrambled a few feet from him to the edge of the blanket, determined to avoid being lured into his snare again. She could be any girl right now and he’d want to sleep with her.

“Fine. If that’s the way you’re going to be.” He pulled up his suspenders and buttoned his pants.

Leah stared at him from her side of the blanket. She had a decision to make—one that would determine the course of the rest of her life. If she gave in to what Michael wanted, there was a chance she could convince him to stay with her, marry her, and raise their child together. But odds were just as good that he’d simply use her again and toss her aside when someone prettier came along—before they became husband and wife.
If
they ever became husband and wife.

“Ya, Michael.” Leah felt a sudden surge of inner strength. “That’s the way I’m going to be.” She stood and walked away from him, head held high. Feeling confident. And like the stupidest woman alive.

She strode down the path toward Michael’s home, straightening the Kapp on her head and trying to get the rumpled look out of her clothes—and out of her mind. Before reaching his house, she veered off the path and headed toward the road.