A Song for Us (28 page)

“Let’s get you something to eat. Are you hungry?” my mother asked as she made her way to the front door.

“I could eat,” I said, and followed her inside.

WE TALKED FOR
hours as I told my mother about the band and how much my life had changed. She seemed genuinely proud, and even my father didn’t have anything rude to say about my career choice.

Afterward I went down the hallway and pushed open the door to my brother’s room. It looked as if it hadn’t been touched since that day, but not a speck of dust was to be found, so I knew my mother spent a lot of time in there.

“It never gets easier,” my father said from behind me. I nodded but didn’t respond. He was right. Instead of accepting what had happened, I’d carried the guilt around with me like a scarlet letter, keeping myself from being able to move past it.

“I am sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault. I know you probably don’t want to hear anything from me, but I had thought about this moment for years. When you left, I realized what I had done. I pushed you away as I drowned in my own grief. I never realized how much grief
you
carried. I didn’t make life easy on you. After you didn’t come home, we had to mourn the loss of both our sons. I deserved it. I know that, but your mother . . .” He shook his head as he ran his hand over his forehead. “You can’t run out on her again. She won’t be able to take it.”

I nodded, knowing he was right. Mom hadn’t deserved what I put her through. She had no more control over my dad than I did.

“I couldn’t stay.” I swallowed against the lump that had formed in my throat.

“No one blames you. Not for what happened and not for leaving.”

My eyes met his. The sadness I had seen on that painful day now filled his eyes again. All these years I thought he hadn’t loved me. All these years I carried the burden of being the one who should have died. That painful guilt began to ease from my chest as I looked into his eyes.

“I should have saved him.” I shook my head, begging the tears not to fall.

“Is that why you wanted to join the army? You wanted to make up for not saving him?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged and ran my hand over my hair as I took a deep breath. “Or I would have died trying. I know it wouldn’t have brought him back, but it was the only way I could make things right.”

My father took a heavy step toward me, his body crashing into mine as he shook. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and I squeezed my eyes closed as the tears fell from my lashes. I slowly raised my arms and wrapped them around my father’s back, a moment years overdue.

“I was a shitty father and a shitty husband.”

“You’re only human, Dad.” For years I had built my father up to be a monster, but I knew now that he didn’t know how to handle his grief. It didn’t excuse the past, but it was something we could work
forward from and I wanted that more than anything. He patted my back hard as he pulled back from our embrace.

“I am
glad
you are my son.” His voice was barely a whisper as he struggled to contain his composure. He turned and left the room without another word.

But for now, that was enough. It was all I needed to start to be able to heal. I closed my brother’s door and made my way into my bedroom. It looked frozen in time. I grabbed my football from the dresser and tossed it in my hands as my eyes scanned an old cork-board that hung on the wall. It was full of drawings I had done over the years. The walls were still pea green, but it looked as if someone had repainted them over the years. My eyes danced over the rock posters that lined the walls, and I had to laugh at how much my taste in music had changed over the years. I pushed up the window behind my bed to let some fresh air in, a window that I had used to sneak out more times than I could count.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent Cass a text.

In the twilight zone.

How is it going?

I’ll live.

I shoved my phone back in my pocket and lay down on my bed, finally letting my exhaustion take over. I knew things with my family were far from fixed, but I was no longer going to run from my problems. It was time to be a man. Being in jail and watching Sarah nearly die had put everything in perspective for me. Being her friend had
given me someone to share my problems with, but it was more than that. She gave me the courage to face my past and hope for the future. I wanted to live up to the person she saw when she looked at me. She had no idea how much I appreciated having her in my life. I hated when she left after the tour, but I was willing to let her go and try to move on if she was happy. After she came back, it made me realize that not only hadn’t things changed in her life, but I didn’t ever want her to leave again. It killed me inside to see her world spiral out of control and not be able to stop it all from crashing down.

I wouldn’t let her down again, I couldn’t. She needed me now as much as I needed her. My next breath whispered her name and my heart beat to the sound of our song.

I was completely and un-fucking-believably in love with her.

SARAH

I
’D FALLEN INTO
a routine with my sister and mom over the last two weeks. I took over grocery shopping because Jenny sucked at it and I didn’t think I could live off mac and cheese for too much longer. My mom needed something healthier anyway.

After I returned to the house from the grocery store today, I began to cook dinner. I didn’t know how to make much so I stuck with spaghetti. Jenny said she was going to invite a friend over so I made two boxes, which turned out to be a ridiculous amount of food.

Mom was out of bed and feeling better after a bad case of the flu. She helped roll out meatballs and talked about life as if I
had only stepped out for a day. It was nice feeling that I belonged somewhere, but I still missed my friends.

“That smells amazing!” Jenny grabbed her purse and headed for the front door.

“It is, and if you don’t have your ass back here when it is done, you don’t get any!” I called after her.

“Watch your mouth! You may be an adult but I am still your mother!” My mom smirked.

I shook my head. “Sorry. It slipped.” I laughed as I stirred the giant pot of sauce. My cell phone rang from my back pocket and I wiped my hands on a dish towel before pulling it out to answer.

“You have dinner covered for a minute?” I asked, and my mother just shooed me away with her hand.

“I miss you,” I said as I answered Cass’s call.

“We miss you, too. How are you doing?”

I glanced around the kitchen. “Oh, you know. I’m living the rock-and-roll dream.” I laughed.

“I want to come see you in a few weeks, if you’re feeling up to it?”

“Everyone?” I didn’t want to even mention E’s name, but I was dying to see him again.

“I can barely hear you,” she yelled in my ear.

“Cass? Can you hear me?” I asked as I walked into the living room, hoping for a better signal.

“Sarah, if you can hear me, go outside. Your signal sucks.”

I rolled my eyes as I pushed open the front door. “Can you . . .” My voice caught in my throat as I gazed into E’s eyes. He smiled that delicious crooked smile, deep dimples settling in his cheeks.

“Have fun, but not too much fun.” Cass laughed in my ear and I couldn’t help but smile as the line went dead.

“Oh, for God’s sake. Kiss him already or I will,” Jenny called out from beside us, and I hadn’t even noticed she was there.

E’s hand slid around my neck as he pulled my face to his, pressing his lips softly against mine. My hands fell onto his chest as his other arm looped around my back and pulled me tight against him.

“You may be an adult, but . . . ,” I heard my mother call out from behind me. E and I both began to laugh as he pressed his forehead against mine.

“I didn’t think I’d see you again,” I whispered.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

WE ATE DINNER
as E told my mother and sister all about the tour that our bands had done together. I was surprised at how little spaghetti was left after we finished. E filled his plate up twice, and after my mother told him that I had cooked it, he took another serving and smiled with each bite.

He helped me clear the table as my mother went to lie
down in her room and Jenny managed to disappear before she had to help. I washed the plates as E took them from me and dried them with a towel.

“I thought the cook wasn’t supposed to clean after the meal.”

I laughed and shook my head. “I don’t mind. It feels good to be
normal
for once.”

“It does. I could get used to this. Nice little home, kick-ass spaghetti, and getting to look at you every day.” He winked and my heart fluttered.

“Where did you go?” I asked as I scrubbed the same plate over and over. It killed me when he said good-bye to me at the hospital, and what I really wanted to know was if he planned to leave again.

“I had to take care of a few things before I could move forward.” He pulled the plate from my hand as his eyes met mine. “I went to see my parents.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m getting there.” He grinned and I kissed the dimple on his cheek.

I let the soapy water drain from the sink, and E and I went out front to sit on the porch as the sun began to set. His body was pressed to my side and he took my hand in his, lacing our fingers together as his eyes danced over the healing wounds on my arm.

“I’ll never be able to apologize enough for letting you down.”

“You didn’t let me down and this isn’t your fault. It was inevitable that it would all come to a head eventually.”

We stared out at the sky as the daylight faded, shooting pink and purple splashes across the clouds.

“If you knew what Derek was doing, why didn’t you tell me?” I was scared to look at him as I spoke.

“I couldn’t be the one to hurt you, Sarah. It wasn’t fair that he put any of us in that position.”

I nodded in understanding. I wouldn’t have wanted to tell someone that I cared about that his or her relationship was a lie either, but I didn’t feel like any less of a fool. That was Derek’s fault, not E’s.

“Where is Donna?”

His hand squeezed mine as he sighed loudly. “I have no idea.”

I pulled my eyebrows together as I studied his profile.

“Donna was never anything more than a friend. It wouldn’t have ever worked out between us. She knew my heart was already taken.”

“We are a fucked-up bunch.”

He laughed deep in his chest. “Maybe that is why we are so perfect for each other.”

“Are you going to be here for a while?” I braced for the news that he would be leaving and I would have to deal with life without him again.

“For now I am going to get a room. I saw a trashy little
motel not far from here. I figured tomorrow you could help me find an apartment. Nothing big, just a place to sleep.” He yawned loudly at the end of his sentence.

My heart leapt into my throat. He wanted to stay here for the long haul. “I can drive you over there. Jenny will let me use her car. I just have to get the keys.” I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him, but I knew he was jet-lagged. I stood up, reluctantly letting his hand go as I went inside to talk to my sister. She was in her room playing around on her laptop as she sprawled out on her stomach across her bed.

“Can I use your car to take E to a hotel? I won’t be gone long.”

She grinned up at me as she nodded to her purse on her dresser. “I wondered how long it would be until you guys wanted to jump each other. Take it. Just make sure you have it back here by lunch tomorrow. I need to take Mom in to her appointment.”

“I was just going to drop him off.” I rummaged through her purse for her keys.

“Poor guy. He leaves his band and drops everything and he still can’t get any action.”

“What do you know about it?”

“We talked.” She glanced up from the computer screen and winked.

I put my hands on my hips as I narrowed my eyes at her. “What did he say?”

She shrugged as she clicked the mouse a few times, but I just watched her, waiting for an answer.

“He just said that he understands all you had been through and he doesn’t care if you only want to be his friend. He isn’t going anywhere. It’s kind of romantic.” She focused on her screen again as I thought over what she said.

E had given up everything to make sure I was okay, even if it meant he got nothing in return. Derek had never put my feelings before his, and I realized how stupid I had been all along. “Don’t wait up.”

Jenny smiled again as I left her room, keys in hand. E was still sitting where I had left him, staring up at the now-black sky, dotted with stars.

“You ready?” I asked as I stood behind him, my heart racing at the thought that it was finally just us, no one else.

He turned around to look up at me. “Since the day I met you.” He pushed off the side of the porch and stood in the grass, holding out his arms to me. I stepped forward and his hands slid over my hips to my waist as he gripped my sides and lowered me to the ground in front of him. His lips fell on mine softly.