Absolutely Normal Chaos (4 page)

I said, “Sure, Mr. Furtz.”

Mr. Furtz is an okay guy. He’s sort of funny-looking, all freckly and nearly bald, but he’s not that old, I mean he’s not an old man, maybe a little younger than my dad. Mr. Furtz bought the hardware store downtown, and when Dennis and I went in there the other day, he let us poke around behind the counter because there weren’t many customers in the store.

Carl Ray is intrigued by the strangest things. While I was watering the Furtzes’ lawn, Carl Ray snuck up on me and said, “What’d you call him?”

“Who?”

“That man.”

“Mr. Furtz?”

Carl Ray said, “Furtz? How do you spell Furtz?” So I told him. “Furtz,” he said again. “Furtz.”

Weird guy, this Carl Ray.

When we all finally went inside, Maggie was getting Dad a dish of ice cream. She’s so obvious. Then she sat on the couch and watched TV with everybody. Usually she doesn’t like to do that; she’s usually off with her friends or up washing her hair or painting her fingernails or something.

Tuesday, June 19

Not much happened today. About the biggest news is that I took Tommy over to Beth Ann’s, and she was strutting all over because her sister Judy is going to introduce her to her boyfriend’s brother and the four of them are going to the drive-in on Friday night. Beth Ann is thirteen (well, okay, so she’s almost fourteen) years old, not much older than me. Don’t you think that’s a little
young
to be going to a drive-in with a boy?

Beth Ann is going to be hard to live with after this.

And Carl Ray, by the way, still did not find a job.

Wednesday, June 20

It rained all day.

Beth Ann called to tell me some more about Derek (that’s Judy’s boyfriend’s brother’s name). He is five feet seven inches tall, brown hair, and “gorgeous.” Beth Ann hasn’t seen him yet. That’s just what Judy says. Beth Ann must have described every single outfit in her closet, trying to decide what she should wear on Friday night.

Carl Ray, surprise, surprise, did not find a job today.

Thursday, June 21

It is going to be difficult to decide who I should kill first: Maggie, Beth Ann, Dennis, or Carl Ray. To show you what I mean, pretend this is a play.

MAGGIE
:
(
Pause
.) Oh, Kenny, I’m just so happeeeeee. (
Pause
.) Yes, he did! I thought he might. (
Pause
.) We are still going, aren’t we?
(Pause.)
Kenny? (
Pause
.) What do you mean, you’re “not sure”?
(Pause. Pause.)

MARY LOU
:
Tommy, stop that!

TOMMY
:
No!

MAGGIE
:
And what is that supposed to mean?
(Pause.)
You invited Ellen
in case? In case
? In case of
what
?

MARY LOU
:
Tommy, stop that!

TOMMY
:
Noooo!

MAGGIE
:
Well, just
un
invite her then.
(Pause.)
Kenny?
(Pause.)
You’ll see what you can
do? (Pause. Pause. Pause.)

MARY LOU
:
Tommy…

MAGGIE
:
Mary Lou, will you be quiet? I’m on the
phone
.

MARY LOU
:
Surprise, surprise.

MAGGIE
:
Yes Kenny, I’m still here.
(Pause.)
Fine.
(Sarcastically:)
I’ll just sit here and wait for you to let me know!
(She hangs up the phone. To Mary Lou:)
Couldn’t you keep quiet for five lousy minutes?

MARY LOU
:
What’s your problem?

MAGGIE
:
Oh, nothing. My life is just ruined, that’s all.
(She runs out of the room, crying.)

MARY LOU
:
Finney residence, Mary Lou speaking.
(Pause.)
Oh, hi, Beth Ann.
(Pause.)
Oh.
(Pause.)
Really?
(Pause.)
Ah.
(Pause.)
Well…
(Pause.)
Maybe…
(Long pause.)
The blue blouse and the white skirt.
(Pause.)
Oh.
(Pause.)
Ah.
(Pause.)
The red blouse….
(Pause.)
Oh.
(Long pause.)
Uh-huh.
(Pause.)
Yup.
(Pause.)
Glad I could be of some help.
(She hangs up the phone.)

MARY LOU
:
Finney residence, Mary Lou speak—
(Pause.)
Oh, hello, Beth Ann.

MARY LOU
:
Stop it!
(Pause.)
No, I meant Dennis. Stop it!
(Dennis doesn’t stop it.)
He’s pulling on the stupid cord.
(Pause.)
Oh. The green blouse….
(Pause.)
Ah. Stop it!
(Pause.)
No, I meant Dennis. He’s still pull—
(Pause.)
Oh, God.
(Pause.)
No, I’m not mad.

DENNIS
:
(putting his mouth by the phone)
You’re just jealllll-ous, Mar-eee Louuuuu.

MARY LOU
:
(pushes Dennis away)
Will you just STOP it?
(Pause.)
No, I meant…
(Pause.)
No, I am NOT jealous….

DENNIS
:
(to no one in particular)
Mary Lou is jealous ’cause Beth Ann has a DATE.

MARY LOU
:
Be quiet.

MOTHER
:
Is that true, Mary Lou?

MARY LOU
:
NO! God.

MOTHER
:
Don’t say “God.” Beth Ann doesn’t have a date?

DENNIS
:
She does too.

MOTHER
:
Well, does she or doesn’t she, Mary Lou? Dennis, stop poking Dougie.

FATHER
:
Carl Ray, did you get a job today?

CARL RAY
:
Un-uh.

FATHER
:
Does that mean no, you didn’t?

CARL RAY
:
Uh-huh.

FATHER
:
Does that mean yes it’s right that no…
(He stops, looks at mother. He seems to be in pain.)

MOTHER
:
Mary Lou, I want to talk to you about Carl Ray’s room.

MOTHER
:
His bed looks like Tommy made it up.

MARY LOU
:
He did.

MOTHER
:
Tommy
made it up?

MARY LOU
:
Yup.

MOTHER
:
And why was that?

MARY LOU
:
What?

MOTHER
:
Why did Tommy make up Carl Ray’s bed?

MARY LOU
:
Don’t rightly know.

MOTHER
:
Mary Lou Finney…

MARY LOU
:
Okay, okay. Tommy made it up because I asked him to because I am sick and tired of cleaning up after that…

MOTHER
:
Mary Lou Finney,
you
will make up our guest’s bed and
you
will clean his room. For the first two weeks he’s a guest. Remember?

MARY LOU
:
Brother.

MAGGIE
:
Finney residence, Maggie speaking.
(Pause.)
Oh, Angie…
(Pause.)
You talked to Ellen? Oh, good. What did she—
(Pause.)
And you told her about me and Kenny….
(Pause.)
Oh, good. She is? He did? Oh, good.
(Pause.)
Okay, ’bye.
(She hangs up, smiles. The phone rings and Maggie grabs it.)

MAGGIE
:
Finney residence, Mag—
(Pause. Sweetly.)
Oh, hello Kenny.
(Pause.)
You did?
(Pause.)
You do?
(Pause.)
Well…
(Pause.)
I guess so.

And that’s just the way the day went.

Friday, June 22

Right now Beth Ann is probably still out on her big date. I’m going to have to hear every little detail tomorrow. Today I stopped over at her house and she modeled about fifteen outfits, still trying to decide what she was going to wear. Honestly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Guys never notice anyway. She finally decided on a red blouse and white slacks. I thought she looked a little fat in that outfit, but she was such a wreck that I didn’t dare say so.

Then she messed around with her hair for about three hours, trying to decide whether it looked better up or down. At about four o’clock she said she had to take a bath and start getting ready. Derek and his brother were arriving at seven! I sure hope she had enough time.

Maybe I
am
a little jealous, but also I am sort of happy for her, because she thinks this is such a big deal. I don’t think
I
would want to go out with someone I had never met before, though. I mean, what if you didn’t like the guy?

I guess you could probably tell from the play I wrote yesterday that dear ole Maggie got permission from Dad to go to the big party on Saturday with Kenny. Cinderella Maggie has to be home at midnight, though.

Today was Maggie’s day to watch Tommy, but she traded with me because she had to go out and buy a dress. Brother. She came home with this skin-eeee black dress that has almost no back.

I think Carl Ray is putting on a few pounds (no wonder). Maybe he didn’t get fed at Aunt Radene’s. The biggest news of the day came at dinner, when Dad said, for about the millionth time, “So, Carl Ray, find a job today?”

Carl Ray
nodded
. We almost missed it, because we are so used to him saying “Un-uh” or “Nope.”

Dad said, “Does that mean…”

Mom said, “You got a…”

And for the first time since Carl Ray arrived, he actually grinned. “Yup,” he said.

Boy, did Dad look happy. “Well, now, that’s great news!”

“Sure is, Carl Ray,” I said, and all around the table everyone was saying “Wow” and “Good” and “My, my.”

Carl Ray kept grinning. He actually had to stop shoveling food into his mouth because he was grinning so much. This is how it went after that:

DAD
:
So where is this new job?

CARL RAY
:
Hardware store.

MOM
:
Furtz’s Hardware?

CARL RAY
:
Yup.

DAD
:
Well!

MOM
:
And what will you do there?

CARL RAY
:
(after a pause)
Don’t rightly know.

DAD
:
You don’t know what your job entails?

CARL RAY
:
(after a pause)
Un-uh.

MAGGIE
:
When do you start work, Carl Ray?

CARL RAY
:
Monday.

Do we sound like a boring family or what?

Well, anyway, at least Carl Ray found a job and at least he knows when he
starts
.

Saturday, June 23

I can hardly believe it, but I’ve almost filled up this whole journal and I’ve only been writing two weeks! I went out and bought another one today because I like doing this. It makes it easier to go to bed at night, for some reason.

Today was your regular Saturday: Got up late, good ole Alesci’s ham and hot bread for lunch (this time Mom didn’t make us wait for Carl Ray to hog it all first), waited around for Master Carl Ray to get up so I could make up his stupid bed (seven more days of this slavery), watched Carl Ray sit in front of the TV, went over to Beth Ann’s.

Beth Ann was acting as if she’d just been crowned the Queen of Easton or something. I’d never seen
her like that. When I went over there, she was lying on her bed dressed in one of her sister Judy’s flimsy nightgowns (pink nylon! aaargh), flipping through
Seventeen
. She didn’t even seem happy to see me.