Accidentally Married To...A Vampire? (2 page)

“Not into
Dexter?”
She looked confused. “Oooh, I see. You’re a
Walking Dead
kind of guy!” She winked. “I gotcha.” She suddenly jumped to one side, away from a butterfly fluttering past, and then froze for several moments.

Unsure of what else to do, Niccolo cleared his throat.

She instantly snapped to life. “Hi. Who are you? And are you aware that good hygiene has made a comeback?”

Masking his confusion and ignoring the slight on his shabby appearance, he bowed his head and replied, “Niccolo DiConti, General of—” He caught himself and stopped. Perhaps he should not call attention to his identity. The gods might not be on his list of admirers. Although, they should be. What was not to like?

Cimil’s eyes lit. “
The
Niccolo DiConti? What an honor!”

Niccolo stood a little taller then. “Yes, I seek your assistance.”

Cimil rolled her eyes. “Well, no duh. You didn’t abandon your queen’s side, risking her wrath, to see me in my fabulous birthday suit. Although”—she began slowly pacing like a slinky cat—“you and I could have some fun together. I don’t mind a little dirt. Especially on a tasty treat like you.” She licked her lips.

Despite her odd speech, Niccolo understood the gist. He ran both hands through his hair once again, this time with worry. Sex was the last thing on his mind at the moment, and the last few centuries, for that matter. Too much killing to do, he supposed. But a coldhearted female like her would never warm his blood, even if he had the urge.

Regardless, she was right. He
had
taken a substantial risk abandoning his post. By now, the queen was likely hunting him via their blood-bond, and it wouldn’t be long before she caught up. Indeed, he needed Cimil’s help. Urgently. Only, it had never occurred to him that she might ask for sex as payment. On the other hand, what woman wouldn’t want him?

He squared his shoulders and stared down at her. He could do this. Any price for his freedom, right?

“
Buon
. If that is what you wish, I will bed you in exchange for your assistance.”

Laughter exploded from Cimil. “Oh, would you relax, Vampire? First off…” She held out her scrawny index finger. “I don’t need to blackmail men into sleeping with me.” She snorted loudly. “Because, I’m loaded!”

Loaded?

“I do not see you carrying anything. In fact, you are nude,” he pointed out.

Cimil looked down at her body. “Oh. Look! I
am
naked.” She frowned. “Heeey, it’s not polite to interrupt. I was telling you a story. Let me see…” She scratched her head. “Oh, yeah. I was explaining how I’m so moneyed—that means ‘wealthy’ to you, Bo Bo—I even bought myself a nice little sultan with a camel just last week.” She paused and tapped her finger on the corner of her mouth. “On second thought, he wasn’t worth the tiny island I had to trade for him, and the stupid camel doesn’t even fit through the bedroom doorway. I
should
go back to blackmailing men for sex. That’s a great idea. Thanks!”

Niccolo swallowed hard.
Cristo sacro! I am going to have to sleep with the crazy she-demon.
Perhaps he could secure the return of her island instead? He, too, was “loaded.”
Might even have an additional island somewhere to sweeten the pot.
To keep track of such things proved challenging after a thousand years or so of existence.

“And second”—she held out two fingers—“you’re really not my type. I like ’em warm. But I will take that shirt and those pants.”

Not her “type?” She is out of her mind.
On the other hand, if the goddess merely desired his mud-caked clothes...

“
Buon
,” he replied. He could easily glamour new garments off a nearby villager later. He slipped off his not-so-white linen shirt and black trousers and stood before her in the buff.

A sly smile stretched across her pixy-like face before she whistled and gave him a leisurely once-over. “I like you, Vampire. You have this whole tanned European, NBA, gladiator,
Je-ne-sais-pas
, man-fusion thing going. I’m totally getting you.”

He had no clue what she’d just said, but he did not care to know or to waste more time. He tossed the clothes to her feet. “
Eccolo
.”

Still gazing at his nude form, Cimil sighed and then began dressing. “You even smell delicious. Like a hint of chocolate with vanilla, and…”

“Mud?” he said dryly.

“That’s it.” She slipped on his large shirt and pants. The five-foot woman looked like a child playing dress up in her father’s clothes. “Well, Niccolo, I haven’t got all day. Why do you risk life and limb to see me?”

“My freedom.”

Cimil froze mid-way through rolling up a pant leg. “You want to leave the queen’s employ?”

He nodded with an uncompromising stare.

“Complicated. Unprecedented. Perfectly insane…I’m in!” She froze for several awkward moments and then sparked back to life. “Wait. Why do you need good ol’ Auntie Cimi’s help?”

Niccolo hated to air vampire dirty laundry, but Cimil had to have heard of Reyna, the queen. “There is only one way to be relieved from her service: death. I would like to avoid it.”

“I see. You wouldn’t happen to have some wildly irrational reason for doing all this, would you? I love acts of futile insolence. They’re so whimsical!”

Trying not to sound like a pansy, he admitted, “I no longer wish to kill for her.”

“A vampire who doesn’t want to…kill?
You
don’t want to—” Cimil broke off, laughing hysterically. “That totally qualifies!”

Niccolo’s rage percolated as she clutched her stomach and slapped her knee. How dare she mock him! In truth, he had no objection to killing for the right reasons—for example, to protect the innocent from dark vampires, Obscuros—but for far too long he’d killed simply because he’d been ordered. He needed to be free, to know that every death he caused was justified.

Then there was the small matter of the queen’s mental instability, which undoubtedly fueled her unscrupulous behavior. The last straw had been when she demanded he blind the maid because the girl did not curtsy properly. He’d had to quickly call in several favors and get her a position with a respectable family where she’d be allowed to keep her eyes.

Sì
, it was as clear as the fangs in his mouth; if there was a Crazy-Shrew Olympiad, the powerful queen would triumph.

Upholding the Pact between the gods and vampires, destroying Obscuros, those were still worthy causes, but he needed to get far away from Reyna before he ended up killing her—an act which would have fatal consequences for any vampire unfortunate enough to carry her blood, including himself
.

Cimil continued howling with laughter and then suddenly spotted a large black beetle strolling past her foot. Her eyes filled with horror. “N-n-no. I think you are”—she swallowed hard—“lovely. I would never say that.” She jerked her head up and looked back at Niccolo. “Okay? And if I don’t help you?”

Is she speaking to me or the insect?
“Then I will die,” he answered anyway.

“Live free or die, is it?” she said, eying the bug again.

She is mad. Why did I come here?

“
Sì
. That is correct,” he replied hesitantly.

Cimil watched the beetle disappear under a rock. She sighed with relief and then continued rolling up the other pant leg.

“You’re like a bad bumper sticker,” she said.

Bumper sticker? Why does she insist on speaking in code?
Niccolo began grinding his teeth.

She stood, grasping the waistline of the pants to hold them up. “Lucky you, I enjoy a challenge. You’d be surprised what dull, predictable things people ask me…‘When will I die? When will the world end?’ Blah, blah, blah…”

Niccolo released a quick breath. “Will you assist me or not?” he said.

“Sure, my little cupcake of despair. Now, normally I charge $12.99 plus shipping and handling, but in this case I’ll cut you a deal. You will be indebted to me, and I will have the right to call in the favor at any time in the future or past.”

Past? That settles it. I have found another contender for Crazy Shrew. Very well, at least I will not have to sleep with her.
He hoped. He too “liked ’em warm” and with a heart or a soul for that matter. A little sanity might be pleasant, too.

“Agreed,” he said.

Cimil took several steps forward, closing the gap between them, and stared with her large turquoise green eyes. “Prophecy time, mighty warrior. Kneel.”

Niccolo complied.

Baring a devilish grin, Cimil placed her soft hands on his cheeks and rubbed his unshaven jaw. “Oooh. Just like your eyes. So tough and black. The things your stubble could teach my calluses.”

Niccolo cocked one brow.

Cimil frowned. “No? Not into calluses? Fine, then.” She took a deep breath and then stared into his eyes before softly kissing his lips. She sucked in a deep breath as if absorbing his scent. “Okay. Up, up.”

That is all?

“Well?” he asked.

She turned and pushed through the thick underbrush, uncovering an overgrown path.

Niccolo trailed behind her, thoroughly perplexed. “Where the devil are you going?” he bellowed with his deep commanding voice. “Tell me what you saw!”

“I was right about you, big guy,” she said. “You
are
a challenge, and I’m going to love watching you run this gauntlet. It’s a delightfully cruel one, at least for your shallow, undead mind.”

What the bloody hell?

She continued talking without slowing her pace. “I saw all possible outcomes of your life, and there
is
a path that leads to your release from Her Majesty’s command.”

“Is
not
dying part of the equation?”

She kept up the rapid pace. “You’re dead already.”

Touché.

Cimil stopped abruptly. Niccolo plowed into her back.

“Ow!” she yelped. A small flock of black birds burst from the bush to her side, chirping noisily as they fled to the sky. He winced as the sunlight continued to heat his skin and weaken him.

She spun to face him. “Listen, Hellboy, we need to make this quick. I have garage sales to hit and naughty souls to claim. Decide.”

“I do not understand.” Was this goddess tormenting him for sport? Why did she call him “Hellboy?”
How very rude!

She poked at his bare chest with a razor sharp fingernail. “You hate taking orders.”

Sì, true. After all, I am vampire.

“And even if you decided to listen like a good little boy, the odds of pulling this off are slim to none.”

I happen to excel at all things impossible. I am a vampire!

“So don’t come crying if you end up in your queen’s dungeon…”

Vampires do not cry, silly woman.

“Tortured three times a day for all eternity, which is where you have a ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine percent chance of landing if you don’t do exactly as I say.”

Actually, those numbers are quite encouraging
. He thought his odds were somewhere between pigs flying and hell freezing over. “
Buon
. I understand. Tell me what you saw, what I must do.”

“First, you will have to find your true mate. Or, more accurately, she will find you. A human, by the way.”

“Human?”
That is disappointing. But on the other hand, there certainly are more tedious creatures on the planet. Cimil, for example.

“Yesss.” Cimil narrowed her eyes. “And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans—most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling.”

Niccolo didn’t know what these “clowns” were, but he made a mental note to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant.

“I did not say a word,” he retorted innocently.

“Good, because I’m warning, if you’re not in this for the long haul, jump off the Cimil-soul-train now and boogie your naked body home.” Her eyes quickly shifted to a squawking toucan perched above on a branch. “Who the hell asked you? You can’t even dance. I mean,
really
.”

Niccolo scratched his chin, ignoring the bizarre behavior and the urge to wrap his hands around her neck. “My resolve will not waiver.”

She stifled a laugh. “Even though your kind considers such a fate, to be with a human—your food—a curse?” She began laughing again. “This particular female will be disobedient, demanding, and a pain in your cold, old, naked ass. She’s also hotter than an apple pie fresh from the oven.”