After Math (7 page)

On our way to the movie theater, Daniel tells me about his day and about working for his dad in Lebanon, Tennessee. He’s doing all the talking, and I’m grateful. The pizza rolls aren’t settling well in my stomach.

After we purchase the tickets, Daniel gets some popcorn and a drink, and we find a seat. Since it’s Tuesday, the theater is only half full. We’re early enough that we have a few minutes before the movie starts.

Daniel takes a handful of popcorn. “So are you still tutoring Tucker Price?”

My breath catches. I really don’t want to get into this with Daniel. “Yeah.”

“That must be a bitch.”

My mouth parts and I gasp at his rudeness. “It’s against the rules and unethical to discuss the people I tutor.”

He scoffs. “Come on. Price lives his entire life seeking attention. You can’t tell me that he doesn’t expect you to talk about it. Hell, I’m surprised he hasn’t begged you to.”

Tucker may live an attention-seeking life, but that’s not the Tucker I see. I refuse to share details of our time together. The Tucker I know seems vulnerable. I almost laugh at the thought, but I still feel protective of him. “It doesn’t matter whether he wants me to talk about it or not. I’m not going to.”

Daniel leans back and views me through narrowed eyes. “Don’t tell me you have a thing for him. I thought you were different than every other girl at this school.”

The blood in my veins catches fire, and I have trouble catching my breath. “I’m here with you, aren’t I?”

He shakes his head. “That doesn’t prove anything. It’s not like he’s going to ask you out. You’re not his type.”

His insult is clear. I’m not good enough to garner the attention of Tucker Price. I wonder what he’d say if he knew that Tucker had come over to my apartment the night I met Daniel and that Tucker spent the night in my bed. But the truth is he’s right. Tucker will screw every other girl on campus, but he’s not interested in me.

Daniel quickly realizes what he’s said and panic spreads across his face. “That didn’t come out right.”

I clench my teeth to stop my chin from quivering. His statement has hit too close to home.

He leans closer and takes my hand in his. “Scarlett, I swear that came out wrong. I just meant that he usually goes out with girls who are loud, obnoxious, and flashy.”

I agree with his assessment, but I’m still hurt and consider leaving.

“Scarlett, I’m sorry. Price and I have history, and I took it out on you. It wasn’t fair.”

The lights dim and the previews start before I can answer. I’m angry with myself when tears sting my eyes. The fact remains that Daniel’s telling the truth. I’m not Tucker’s type, and Tucker has made it painfully clear he isn’t interested in me. Nevertheless, while I like Tucker, it’s not for the reasons every other girl on campus does.

I like him for the person he lets me see and doesn’t share with anyone else.

That thought is what keeps my butt glued to my seat, and my hand in Daniel’s firm grip. That thought is more dangerous than anything Daniel might inadvertently say to me, because that thought encourages me to hope for things out of my reach.

I try to pay attention to the movie, but I can’t focus when I’m concentrating on not hyperventilating. I start reciting prime numbers up to seven hundred and forty-three in my head, then move on to square roots with rational numbers. Old soothing habits I picked up in middle school. When one of Momma’s boyfriends lived with us for two years of hell filled with drinking, smoking, loud arguments, and police visits every time he resorted to taking his frustration out on Momma with his fists.

When the movie’s over, I’m exhausted in every way—physically, emotionally and mentally. Daniel wants to stop and get something to eat, but I can’t do it. I can’t fulfill this social role a minute longer than I have to.

Daniel pulls into the parking lot of my apartment complex. I open the door before he has the engine turned off.

“Scarlett,” he calls out, worry in his voice. “Hold up.” He jumps out, running around the front of the truck. He intercepts me, grabbing my arm. “Wait.”

I try to look into his face, but I can’t make myself do it. I’m embarrassed both by my behavior and what he thinks of me.

“Scarlett, I think we got off to a rough start here, and it’s entirely my fault. I’m sorry.” He pauses, and I lift my chin to look at him. “Just because Price and I have had our differences doesn’t give me the right to treat you the way I did. You’re stuck tutoring him, and I should be understanding of that. I get it.”

I want to tell him it’s okay, but I can’t make myself do that either.

“Will you give me another chance? Please?”

I want to tell him no, but when I look at the evening objectively I can’t say he did anything terribly wrong. Everything he said was true, even if it came out wrong. No one is perfect. Lord knows I’m far from it. “Okay.”

He wraps a hand around the small of my back and pulls me gently to his chest while his other hand cups my cheek and lifts my face. His lips brush mine, and when I don’t pull back, he takes it as encouragement. His tongue runs along my bottom lip before seeking an opening to my mouth. I let him kiss me, and while I kiss him back, hoping that this time will be different, that this time I’ll feel something.

His hand on my back slides to the front and finds the opening to my coat, then settles on my hip.

I wait for the feelings I’m supposed to feel and although it’s pleasant, it’s far from earth-shattering.

His hand slides upward, and I involuntarily stiffen. Daniel stops, lifting his head. “Can I see you on Thursday night?”

I shake my head. “I have a big test in set and logic on Friday. I need to study.”

“Surely you can squeeze me in a couple of hours.”

He knows how worried I am about this class. I’ve told him so multiple times. “No. It’s Friday or nothing.”

Irritation flashes briefly across his face. “Okay.”

For the life of me, I can’t help wondering why he wants to go out with me again. I can’t figure out why I’m agreeing.

“I’ll walk you to your door.” He removes his hand from my waist and returns it to my back.

I lightly push his arm away. “That’s okay. I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later.”

He doesn’t look happy. Maybe he wanted another kiss at my door, but he says, “Okay,” and returns to his truck. I walk across the parking lot as he drives away. I pause halfway up the stairs and turn around, sitting on the step and lean my head against the railing. I can’t walk into our apartment and face Caroline. She’s going to want details, and I can’t bring myself to share them yet. There’s no doubt that tonight was a disaster.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This isn’t the first time I’ve asked myself this question, in a multitude of situations. But this time specifically I’m referring to my inability to feel anything when being kissed by a man. Maybe I’m just too broken.

That’s the part that scares me the most. That I’m too broken to love anyone.

Chapter Fifteen

I sit on the steps for at least ten minutes, crying out my heartache and anguish. I’ve gotten control of myself when a dark figure turns from the street and jogs across the parking lot. He’s wearing a gray sweatshirt, and the hood is over his head. His muscled calves stick out from under his long shorts, and I know who it is before he’s at the bottom of the staircase, pulling back his hood.

Tucker.

He looks up and sees me.

I wipe my fingertips across my cheeks and keep my gaze on him.

He takes in my movement. I’m sitting in the shadows, and I’m grateful he can’t see my face. I’m sure my nose is red and my eyes are swollen.

He leans over his knees, out of breath, his eyes still on mine. After several seconds, he climbs the steps, one slow step at a time until he sits next to me and takes my hand in his, lacing our fingers and squeezing.

I close my eyes and lean my head into his shoulder.

We sit like this for several minutes, maybe longer. I lose track of time because all I know is that sitting like this with him feels so right, so perfect.

His thumb rubs the back of my hand, making slow circles, and I feel the tension leave my body.

Finally, he breaks the silence, his voice soft and soothing. “Want to talk about it?”

I shake my head, my temple still pressed against his shoulder. Tucker is the last person I want to tell about my night with Daniel.

He pulls his hand from mine, and I’m sure he’s about to leave, but he wraps his arm around my back and pulls me against the side of his body. His free hand picks up my hand, curling over the top so his fingers now caress my palm.

“Do I need to kick the shit out of someone?” His arm tightens around my back. “Because if I find out who made you cry, I’m liable to do just that.” His words are soft, but somehow I know he means every word.

I shake my head again, burying my cheek into his chest. I must be dreaming because this can’t possibly be real. Tucker has not shown up outside of my apartment. He’s not holding me in his arms. Why is he here?

I look up into his face and his gaze lowers to my mouth. His arm tightens around my back, and he closes his eyes, pressing his forehead against mine. For several seconds, our breaths mingle and we’re breathing each other in. I’m amazed at how right this feels. Like I’ve been searching my entire life for this peace I feel in his embrace.

His head rises, and he gives me a sad smile. “I need to go.” But he doesn’t release me, instead looking into my eyes.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“Thursday?”

I nod. “Thursday.”

He sighs and climbs to his feet. His hand reaches for mine, and I put my palm in his. His fingers curl gently around my hand, and he pulls me to my feet. “Are you going in now?”

“Yeah.” I feel calm enough to face Caroline, although I’m not sure what I’ll say to her.

He releases my hand and smiles.

“Goodb—”

Tucker places his finger on my lips. “Don’t say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.” Sadness creeps into his eyes.

My lips tingle and butterflies fight to escape from my stomach.

His finger slides off my lip. “Thursday.”

I smile. “Thursday.”

He bolts down the steps and turns around at the bottom and grins.

I watch him jog across the parking lot and out into the street until he disappears behind a tree line on the side of the road.

Time to face Caroline.

She’s waiting when I open the door, excitement on her face. “Well?”

“It was nice.” I avoid looking at her.

“
Nice
? I need details.”

Heaving a sigh, I take off my coat. “We went to the movie, and we talked.”

Her perfectly tweezed eyebrow lifts. “And?”

“If you’re asking if he kissed me, the answer is yes.”

“And?”

“And what?” I know what she wants, but I’m sure she won’t like my answer.

“Scarlett!”

I shrug. “It was nice.”

She flops on the sofa, crossing her legs. “Again with the nice.”

I sit on the arm of the chair. “What do you want me to say, Caroline? He’s a nice guy. We had a nice time. It wasn’t spectacular. It wasn’t love at first sight. It was…nice.”

She scowls. “I don’t think you’re giving him a chance.”

My mouth drops open.

She leans forward, earnestness in her eyes. “He’s a great guy, Scarlett! He’s cute. He’s funny.”

“I don’t know.” I was confused before Tucker showed up. I’m even more confused now.

“Scar, this was one date. I know you. Give it a chance.”

I cock my head. “What are you saying?”

“I know how you are. You get nervous, and you blush, and you don’t talk. It’s hard for you to open up to people. It’s just going to take you some time to get used to him. He
did
ask you out again, right?”

Even though her advice is sound, I just don’t see Daniel and me working out. Even if Tucker hadn’t come over tonight. But I don’t feel like arguing about it. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” She reaches for my hand and pats it. “Things will smooth out. I promise. When are you going out again?”

“Friday.”

She smiles. “Plenty of time to get yourself ready. Maybe you can practice some of your guided imagery stuff.”

“Maybe.” I want to cry, and I’m not even sure why.

“I love you, Scarlett. I just want you to be happy.”

I give her a hug, then stand. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

“Night.”

I get ready for bed, ignoring the sorrow that expands inside my chest, choking off my air. I lay down on the bed and tears burn my eyes until I can’t hold them in any longer. They stream down my face, dripping on my pillow.

The pillow Tucker slept on.

Three different battles wage on three fronts. Daniel, Caroline, and Tucker.

I wonder if my expectations of Daniel are too great. That I’ve seen too many rom-coms that set unrealistic expectations that no relationship could ever live up to. Did I overreact to his comments, especially since he apologized multiple times?

Part of me wonders if Caroline is right and maybe I’m not giving Daniel a chance. I have to admit that I let him do most of the talking. And he does seem like a nice guy. A normal guy. Not like the guys Momma brought home every few months. That has to count for something.

Finally, Tucker.

He stirs emotions in me that I don’t want to dredge up, yet when he touches me, all anxiety flees. When he looks at me, it’s not with pity or disgust. It’s with respect and something more. He really sees the real me, not the façade I wear to get through the day.

Why did he come over? Had he been jogging past my apartment building? There’s no way he could have seen me from the road. He had to have come with the purpose of seeing me.

One thing’s for certain. Caroline doesn’t approve of anything with Tucker, simple friendship included.

***

Daniel is waiting for me after class the next day. I didn’t get much sleep the night before, and I’m tired and cranky. I’m definitely not in the mood to tiptoe around Daniel.

He’s leaning against the wall again, and he moves toward me, looking unsure that I’ll welcome him. “Hey, Scarlett.” He gestures toward the door. “How was your class?”