All Families Are Psychotic (7 page)

'Just sit.'

'Is it news?' 'Yes, it is.' 'Bad news?'

Nickie said, 'Yes, Wade, it 's bad news.' 'It 's not . . . ?'

Nickie nodded. 'Yes, it is.'

Wade slumped down into a rattan chair. 'Shit. Sorry. What can I—' Wade suddenly looked at his mother, but something else was now in his eyes.

Something is wrong.

Wade reached over to her with a napkin. ' Mom—' 'What?
What?'

'You're doing a Dracula all over your shir t. Don' t panic. It 'll clean up just fine.'

'I'm bleeding?' Janet reached for another napkin and blo tted her chest, pulling the cloth, which evidenced a fair amoun t of blood coming from her mou th. 'Oh dear.'

' Mom,' Wade said, 'I'm going to check you into this hotel and then I'm going to go get your things at your motel, OK?'

Janet felt confused. 'Yes, dear. Yes. Of course.'

'Don' t worry. Things are going to be just fine. Can you stand up? There. Stand up. I'll take you up to my room and you can lie down there. Things'll be just fine. Just you wait and see.'

They walked toward the elevators, Nickie carrying some extra napkins, which she handed to Wade. Janet and Wade got in and Nickie said, 'I'll call you later, Janet.' The door closed.

Wade put Janet to rest on the bed in his room, and then grabbed the keys to the sedan rented with Beth's credit card. He went downstairs only to find that Sarah, the sick childr en and the crowd had all

vanished. The media trucks were just pulling away, their wires snapped in as crisply as if into a measuring tape's chromed handle. But some of his family was still there — Bryan and Shw were in the throes of a

figh t -ostensibly over a set of car keys, which Bryan apparently wouldn ' t give up. The other guests in the lobby were unable to ignor e the embarrassing set-to, and Wade tried to skulk past them, but he was

noticed. Shw loudl y said, 'Ha! Your bro ther'll drive me.' 'No, he won' t.'

Wade didn ' t want to get involved. 'I'm looking for Beth.' He realized he was dangling the car's keys.

'She went out shopping ,' said Bryan.

'I hope she doesn' t spend much,' Wade said. 'We're flat broke.' 'Wade, give me a ride,' Shw said.

'I'm only going to pick up Mom's stuff at that shitbox motel she's staying in. She should be here with us.' 'How
is
Mom?' Bryan asked. 'I ask her all the time, and she always says she's " just fine", which is

completely suspicious.'

'Bryan,' said Shw, 'she's got aids. She is not " fine". Some sons you tw o are. You should be laying flowers at her feet and instead all you do is give her grief. Wade, I'll come help you get her stuff.'

'Shw, I'm not sure if I need any—'

'Oh, shut up. Yes, you do — all her frill y scary women's stuff. After that you can drive me to the gun range.'

'Gun range?' Wade looked at his bro ther.

'I kno w,' Bryan said, ' talk abou t a sure-fire way to screw up a fetus — all those shots'll make the kid deaf. And you should check out the heavy metal content in the air and soil around those ranges. It 's like instant Minamata disease.'

Shw said, 'Florid a is freaking me out. I need firearms to reempo wer myself.'

Both men did a doubl e take:
Reempower myself?
Curiosity abou t the mother of his future niece or nephew outweighed Wade's reservations. 'Tell you what — I'm parked righ t out here and I'm leaving

righ t away. If you're going to come, then come.' He walked out into the nor th parking lot, brazier hot, and was abou t to reverse out of his slot when Shw opened the door and got in.

'Bryan is such a scaredy-cat.'

Janet's motel wasn' t far away, but it was situated in a realtor's purgatory, neither residential nor upscale retail nor — nor anything really. It looked like a correctional facili ty gone bankrup t and converted into

the most cheerlessly utili tarian of lodging s. 'Jesus, Mom,' said Wade under his breath, ' what a dump.' Wade and Shw got out and went to Janet's room. Once inside, Shw said, 'It 's like time stood still in here.

Can you imagine how many people must have banged away on that matt ress? It looks like a satelli te dish.'

'I'll pack the big clothes,' Wade said. 'You pack the, er, smaller stuff.' 'Her dainties? Ooh, milord is so squeamish.'

'Just pack.'

The suitcases were full in a few minu tes, Shw tossing in the underwear. Wade asked, 'Is it true that you tw o guys met while sett ing fire to a Gap?'

'Yeah. I just wanted to set fire to things and destroy shit.

Bryan was down there because his musician friends were there, and he's such a follo wer that he'd

probably follo w them to Dachau if that's where they were going . But in general? I hate corpor ations. They're fucked. I'd like to blo w them all up, and Bryan, to his credit, probably would, too.'

Wade coughed out a noncommi ttal noise: 'Huh.'

They headed into the bathroom to fetch toiletries. Shw looked at Janet's fiesta of pill s. 'Shit, look at Willy Wonka's factory.' She picked up a bott le and looked at the label. 'It 's not even English.'

Wade said that it didn ' t look like English because it was technical terminolog y. 'It all comes from Latin roo ts.'

'Blow it out your ass. I can out-vocabulary you any day of the week. The label's not
in
English. It 's in Spanish.'

Wade looked over. 'Portuguese — from Brazil.'

'What's your mother doing with Brazilian drugs?' Wade looked more closely. 'Well, what do you kno w—' 'Know what?'

'Those pill s you're holding .' 'What abou t them?'

'Thalidomid e. I guess Mom's using them for her mou th ulcers.' 'What's so " oh-wow " abou t that?'

'You don ' t kno w what thalidomid e is?' 'No, I don ' t.'

'It 's this drug they used in the early 1960s for morning sickness — but it turned out the stuff caused severe deformi ties in babies — stillbir ths and spon taneous abor tions, too. That's why Sarah only has one hand.

Didn ' t Bryan tell you? Here — let me see that. . .' Wade reached for the bott le, but the blood had drained out of Shw's face. 'What's wrong?'

Shw picked up a full plastic bott le of Evian and began violently bashing Wade on the head and face. 'You moron -you let me touch that shit? Are you out of your mind? How could you do that to me?'

Wade fended off the blo ws, surpri singly powerful for someone of Shw's size. 'I didn ' t even kno w it was

there until you showed me. Shit. Stop that.' Wade grabbed the bott le; Shw was quaking. She ran into the shower stall and hopped in fully clothed, and cranked the faucet at full blast.

Wade asked, 'What's all
this
abou t?' 'I'm rinsing that shit off me.'

'It was in a blister-pack. Nothing touched you.' Something clicked: 'Hey, I though t you were gett ing an abor tion.'

'Well, maybe I'm
not:

'OK then.' Wade swept items from the coun tertop into his mother's traveling case and said, 'Ready when you are. I'll be down in the car.'

Shw stayed in the shower five more minu tes, then came out only because the hot water had run out. The gun range was a half mile away and Shw, wet as a dog, was quiet for the ride. He dropp ed her off, and she said, 'I'm being a real hag today. Thanks for the ride.'

On a hot, sunny August afternoon , 1973, Wade said to Bryan, 'Bryan, don ' t touch the plastic. You'll only screw it up.'

'Wade, be nice to Bryan. He only wants to help.' Sarah turned to Bryan: 'Even still, Bryan, don ' t touch things, OK? Because you probably
will
muck them up.'

' Maybe I should just go.'

'Don' t go,' Sarah said, 'Just don ' t touch things, OK?'

The trio was out on the baking driveway with a trove of plastic dry-cleaning bags and bent coat hangers. Their mission was to build a hot air balloon by taping the bags into
a.
large, ligh tweigh t condom attached to a metal ring at the bott om. In the middl e of the ring was a wire X onto which was attached a Miracle Whip lid bearing white barbecue fire-starting bricks. Sarah was
a.
tiny fern among her tw o sequoia

bro thers — even with Bryan younger than her — but she was defini tely the one running the show. 'I'm thirsty,' said Bryan.

Wade looked at him. 'Bryan, I'm holding a Do-I-give-a-shit?-ometer in my hand and the needle's not moving. Shut up.'

'We'll get a pop later,' Sarah said. 'We're almost ready for li ft off.'

Wade was holding the wispy plastic balloon . Sarah used a Bic ligh ter to igni te the fuel. 'It 'll take a minu te for the hot air to fill the balloon ,' she said, then stood up and watched.

'It looks like a big dildo ,' said Wade, as the balloon began filling with air much hotter than that of the August afternoon .

'What's a dildo ?' Bryan asked.

Sarah looked at Wade. 'He's too young for that stuff, Wade.' 'What,
you
kno w what a dildo is?'

'Of course I do.'

'What is it then?'

'It 's a plastic replica of a man's dink used by women when they're by themselves.'

'What do you mean " used by"?' asked Wade.

'You kno w
exactly
what I mean by " used by", Wade. And
now
Bryan's probably going to use the word in fron t of Mom or Dad — and he'll most likely use it wrongl y — and
you'll
be the one who gets in shit.' 'No, Bryan's the one who always gets in shit.'

'I do
not,
Wade. Dad beats
you
up way more than he beats
me
up. And besides, I'm not a baby. I'm tw o years younger than Sarah.'

Sarah changed the topic sligh tly. 'Wade, does it hur t when Dad hits you? I've never actually been hit.'

Wade found it hard to imagine never having been hit. 'Hurt?
Huh.
I never though t of it that way. I

suppose so. But when Dad hits me, it 's not like he wants to hur t my outside. He wants to hur t me on the
inside.
He thinks he's King Shit, and he wants to let me kno w it.' The bag was almost full enough with warm gassiness to rise. 'Hey — it 's ready.' All eyes watched as the balloon hovered inches above the

driveway.

'Let 'er go,' said Sarah.

Wade let the balloon rise up into the air, silent, clean and jiggl y. There was just enough wind coming

from the west to blo w it towards the Capilano river and over toward North Vancouver. The trio ran to the top of the street, Sarah carrying the binoculars, to moni tor its progr ess.

'I bet it goes all the way into North Van,' Bryan said.

'Unlikely,' said Sarah, payload specialist in training . 'The fuel's only going to burn for abou t fifteen minu tes tops.'

'What if it lands in the forest?' Bryan asked.

'Well then,' said Wade, 'it lands in the forest.'

'But the forest is dried out. It could start, like, a forest fire.' 'Bryan, stop wrecking the fun.'

A car approached from behind — Janet in the station wagon. She pulled up beside them. 'Hey, gang — whatcha up to?'

'We made a balloon ,' said Sarah. 'We're watching its progr ess.' 'Aren' t you all clever.'

Sarah asked, 'Do you have any pop there, Mom?'

Top? I think I do.' She reached behind her and pulled three cans of ginger ale from a bag. 'Bryan,' Sarah said, 'you take them, okay?'

Janet drove off, her final words being, 'Barbecue hamburg ers tonigh t. Be good.'

Once she was out of hearing range, Sarah said, 'Uh-oh. I think I took the last of the barbecue ligh ter bricks for balloon fuel.'

'Don' t sweat it,' Wade said. Til say I took them.'

Bryan opened up the ginger ales and passed them around . The three sat as the balloon wafted away, taking turns with the binoculars. 'It 's sinking ,' said Sarah.

'No, it 's not,' Wade said. 'Let me see.' He took the binoculars. 'Oh — it
is
sinking .' 'Where?' asked Bryan.

'Down in Glenmore. Near the school.'

'Wade, let me see.' Sarah grabbed the binoculars and Wade yielded. 'Ooh. You're righ t.' She watched as the balloon descended onto a subdivision. 'Uh-oh . . .'

'What?'

'It 's going to touch down on the Beattys' house.' Wade grabbed the binoculars. 'Oh,
crap.''

The balloon landed on the shingl ed roo f of a ranch house, which quickly igni ted. Sarah said to call the fire department, but Wade said to wait, that a guy next door to the Beatty's was hosing off their roo f already, and that passersby had stopped to watch. Next they heard sirens; the fire seemed to have migrated across the roo f underneath the shingl es, popping out of the righ tmost side like a cat's tongue. Then,
whoosh,

the whole roo f was ablaze and the fire engines arrived and a major scene unfolded. 'We are in deepest shit,' said Wade.

'I told you it could start a fire,' Bryan said.

'Bryan, so
what,'
said Sarah, 'accidents happen.' She put down the binoculars, and they watched as a small tornado of smoke rose from the house down the hill . 'Do you think they'll figure out it was us?'

There was no need to answer this, as Mrs. Breznek from across the street walked onto the road in her apron, saw the fire and then turned around and began screaming at the three childr en. 'You li tt le

monsters! Who the hell do you think you are? I'm calling the police righ t now. You're all going to get a thorough licking on this one. Jail, too.'

'Blow it out your ass,' said Wade. Mrs. Breznek snor ted in disgust. 'Wade—' Sarah giggl ed.

'How can you giggl e?' Bryan asked.

Wade said, 'Shut up, loser. I'll take the blame.'

'Wade, don ' t do it. I'll take the blame. I'll say it 's a science project that went wrong. The tether line snapped. If you take the blame you'll be shipped to mili tary school.'

'I think the fire's out,' Bryan said. 'It 's just steam now.'

Indeed the fire was almost extingui shed. A minu te later a police cruiser showed up at the house; Janet came out, curiou s and worried. 'Off icers?'

'Can we speak to your childr en, Mrs. Drummond ?' The childr en? I—'

Sarah spoke up. 'I had an accident, Mom. My science experiment escaped.' 'Science experiment?'