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Authors: Zach Braff

All New People (7 page)

BOOK: All New People
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Myron
      Yes.

Charlie
      I guess that's why you're so smart, huh?

Myron
      I prefer clever.

Charlie
      You've always got some obnoxious quip just . . . ready to go, huh?

Myron
      You know those people who just enjoy fucking with people?

Charlie
      I do.

Myron
      I'm one of those people.

Charlie
      I can tell.

Myron
      Why did you make up that story about being a fighter pilot?

Charlie
      What are you talking about?

Myron
      Why are
you
exerting so much energy lying to us about who you are and what you've done?

Charlie
      Why are you so positive I'm lying?

Myron
      You said you flew the F-22 Raptor . . .

Charlie
      Yes.

Myron
      In Iraq and Afghanistan?

Charlie
      Yes.

Myron
The Military Channel
just did a story about how they aren't using the F-22 Raptor in the Middle East. The technology is so advanced and top-secret, that the chance of one being downed behind enemy lines isn't worth the risk. So even though it's the most advanced war machine man has ever made, and cost 100 million dollars each to produce, it isn't fighting in either of our two wars. There's a few hundred of them sitting on a tarmac somewhere just waiting for China to ask for their loans back.

Silence
.

You just phoned in a bad lie . . . (
Beat
.) Why?

Charlie
      What does it matter?

Myron
      I'm just curious.

Charlie
      Isn't it obvious? I wanted to seem a bit more than I am . . .

Myron
      Yes, but why? Why would a suicidal man care so much about what people thought of him? Why do you care? You're gonna be dead. It's like a drowning man wanting the lifeguards to know he's a good swimmer.

The sound of laughter as
Emma
and
Kim
cross from one side of the upstairs bridge to the other.
Kim
picks up a small statue of a man.

Kim
      This little man should come with us!

She carries it out.
Myron
waits until they are gone.

Myron
      Did you leave a note?

Charlie
      No.

Myron
      Why not? Don't the people that love you deserve an explanation? Although I'll bet it's the rare occasion where someone reads a suicide note and says, ‘Fuck. You know, I was skeptical when I started this thing, but I have to say he made the right call on this one. His life was pretty fucked.'

Charlie
      It's a long story. Not sure it would fit in a note.

Myron
      I mean I can understand that you're depressed maybe, but not why you wanna off yourself. And why hanging? If I ever killed myself it would be in a much more civil manner: the car in the garage thing. Throw on a little
Cat Stevens
and fall right to sleep. Hanging is so . . . violent.

Charlie
      Good to know. Next time I'll make sure to do it in a way that's less upsetting to you.

Myron
      Gimme a little something. Gimme a piece of the truth and I'll leave you alone.

Charlie
is silent for a beat.

Charlie
      You know this Irish . . . like
Riverdance
music?

Charlie
puts the record on for a few seconds. Then turns it off.

Myron
      Yeah.

Charlie
      I fucking hate that music.

Myron
smiles.

Charlie
      And I was dating this girl. And she just loved it. She would dance around the house to it in her underwear doing all these made-up little ‘jigs'. It was so funny cause she knew I hated it, but she could always make me laugh with her funny little made-up dance moves. (
Beat.
) She was so beautiful and sweet and put up with me being . . . a little less than fun. But she wanted to do stuff and travel and you know . . . see the world like young, pretty girls do . . . and should. And I . . . couldn't do that. So . . . she hung in there as long as she could, but . . . eventually, she had enough. And the last time I saw her we were standing in my driveway and she handed me that record of Irish folk music.

He smiles.

Myron
      And you're not a fighter pilot.

Charlie
      No. I'm not. That just sounded exciting.

Myron
      What are you then? Lemme guess: a motivational speaker.

Charlie
      I'm an air traffic controller. I
was
an air traffic controller.

The scrim panels slide in. The pre-shot video is projected on the scrim. We see a close-up of the radar screen. The camera reveals
Charlie
looking off distracted. We hear the sound effects of an air traffic controller office.

As real-life
Charlie
speaks, he crosses in front of the scrim. The imagery in the film is projected on top of him and the scrim.
Myron
is picked out the whole time with a light special behind (or beside) the scrim.

Charlie
(
actor
)      Normally I handled the busiest section of the approach into Newark, JFK and Laguardia. I mean this is like the craziest airspace in the entire country. But my supervisor knew it had been a particularly rough week for me, so he'd put me on a sector further south in the middle
of the state that was less busy. And one day, as I'm staring off into space, I got distracted by these two ants on my console.

We see a close-up of the two ants.

Charlie
      They were fighting over a tiny crumb from the
Pop-Tart
I had eaten for breakfast. It was the strangest thing. It was like I went into a trance. All I could see were these two little insects, fighting over something that was so important to them; so crucial to their survival. But they couldn't see it from my perspective. But
I
could see with such clarity that that
Pop-Tart
crumb meant absolutely nothing. And then I thought well, if there is a God, that's probably how he feels when he looks down at me. He's probably cracking himself up watching me wrestle myself over nothing. And so for the first time in my life, I felt this odd connection to God. And so I thought I should pray. So I closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed for him to help me see how I was being just as ridiculous as those two stupid ants.

Charlie
walks in front of the imagery, it's projected on his face and body. In unison with his projected self in the flashback, they say the following prayer . . .

Charlie/Flashback Charlie
      ‘God? I'm here. I need help. And I know I'm not starving, I'm not fighting in a war, I'm not sick, but I'm stuck in this pit. Can you help me? Can you pull me out? Can you save me with a sign?'

Pilot 1
(
on radio
)      New York Approach, Gulfstream 34AD, we're getting a TCAS warning, but we're in complete IMC, please advise about traffic at our two o'clock!

Pilot 2
(
on radio
)      New York Approach, this is Cirrus PD1, we've got the same warning at our seven! Is it an error? He's at our altitude; it looks like this guy's headed right for us!!

A supervisor comes over.

Supervisor
      Holy shit. 34AD, turn to heading 270! Cirrus climb at best rate now! Charlie, what the fuck are you doing??!!

The imagery of the two planes on the radar screen hit and then disappear. Screaming and mayhem on the radio echoes!!! Lights up behind scrim. The scrim panels slide out.

Myron
(
putting it all together
)      The six people. I remember it on the news.

Charlie
      Five died on impact. One of the planes actually had a parachute that deployed. The mother of the family lived through the night. (
Beat.
) The inquiry ruled it an accident. They suspended me for a hundred days. A hundred days! It works out to 16.6 days per life. I just don't think that's enough . . .

Myron
      So you sentenced yourself to death . . . (
Beat
.) Whatever happened to those ants?

Charlie
      They gave up and left that crumb behind. I actually kept it in my wallet. Wanna see?

Myron
      Sure . . .

Charlie
pulls a tiny piece of folded tin foil out of his wallet and unfolds it on the coffee table revealing a tiny crumb. He and
Myron
sit there staring at it.

Emma
and
Kim
reenter from upstairs.
Emma
has Christmas lights and a giant red exercise ball.
Kim
has a ukulele.

Emma
      Well we didn't find much in terms of decorations, but I found these Christmas lights and this exercise ball. Here, Charlie, this is from all of us.

She throws the big ball to
Charlie
.
He catches it.

Kim
      Charlie, I've got good news: I found this ukulele. I'm gonna play you a song.

She notices
Myron
staring at the crumb.

Kim
      What are you looking at?

Myron
      A
Pop-Tart
crumb.

Kim
      I love
Pop-Tarts
.

Emma
      Are you that hungry? Order a fucking pizza.

Myron
      Don't eat it, it's a memento of Charlie's.

Emma
      Myron help me string these up.

He doesn't move.

Emma
      Myron? Snap out of it. Help me string these around a little.

He helps her string the lights around the room.
Emma
dims the room lights, making it more cozy.

Kim
cuts a line of coke on the table next to the
Pop-Tart
crumb.

Kim
      I'm so excited I found this ukulele, cause now I can play you a song. I have to decide if I'm gonna play you one of mine, or one of somebody else's. I mean most of mine are sad little love songs. But you guys seem more like an indie-rock, Brooklyn kinda crowd . . .

She snorts a line of coke.

Kim
      Oh fuck!

Emma
      What?

Kim
      Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Emma
      What?

Kim
      Charlie I'm so sorry, but I think I may have just accidentally snorted your special
Pop-Tart
crumb.

Myron
      Are you fucking kidding me?!

Kim
      It was an accident, I was talking and snorting at the same time and I wasn't paying attention. Don't worry, I can vomit it up.

She sticks her fingers down her throat. And begins to gag.

Myron
      No.      
Emma
No!

They stop her.

Kim
      Relax! I do it all the time. You think this body's from going to the gym?

Myron
      What is wrong with you?

Kim
      I'm sorry, I got distracted.

Myron
      And anyway stay away from my coke; you're like a fucking
Dustbuster.

Kim
      I feel awful. It was important to him. If someone snorted my hamster ‘Chanel', I'd be so upset!

Myron
      You're a fucking idiot.

Emma
      Myron, relax. It's a crumb.

Myron
      You don't know the full context, Emma.

Emma
      Lemme go out on a limb here: the full context was the full
Pop-Tart
?

Charlie
laughs. They all stare at him.

Myron
      Why are you smiling?

Charlie
(
smiling
)      Emma's right.

Beat.

It was a crumb. It doesn't matter. It was just a crumb.

Kim
starts to tune the ukulele. Her tuning of the uke scores the next section of the play.
Myron
sits solemnly in the corner.
Emma
lights a joint and sits down next to
Charlie
.

Emma
      It's nice to see you smile, Charlie. My Dad could always make me smile like that with his jokes. I haven't been able to talk to him for a while. I miss him quite a bit.

BOOK: All New People
2.63Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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