Always and Forever (7 page)

On Thursday evening I end up stuck next to
my father
on the sofa. We’re watching some boring documentary and I have no idea what
it’s about. I’ve now got to the stage where I’m practically counting down the
hours until tomorrow night. I’ve mentally prepared myself for the worst. I’ve
convinced myself that he won’t turn up and I’ll be left waiting for him like
some sad, pathetic, naive little idiot who should have known better.

Even if that does happen I’m at least going to know the
truth. I might have got him all wrong. My imagination might have implored me to
recreate the reality of Friday night. I envision Jake to be this spectacular
and extraordinary human being when the truth is he might not be either of those
things. All of it could have been conjured up in my head and I have to prepare
myself for that eventuality.

Either way, I’m going tomorrow
night. I need to know the truth. Even if the truth will hurt me beyond belief,
I have to know.

Once I’m in bed I open my
curtains and gaze out at the blustery weather outside. All of the leaves are
falling from the trees, a clear sign that winter is quickly approaching.

Over the last few days I’ve taken some strange sort of
comfort from the fact that Jake is out there somewhere close by. To know that
I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow is the most incredible and remarkable feeling
I’ve ever experienced. Thoughts of him have refused to leave my mind all week
and I’m determined to cherish every single moment of anticipation in case I
never get to have this again. If I’m to be disappointed tomorrow night then I
need to savour the moment that I have right now and remember it forever.

It’s so late and I still can’t get to sleep. I eventually
decide to try and calm my nerves by listening to some music, hoping it will
help me to drift off. I scroll through my iPod and decide on ‘Far Far’ By Yael
Naim. I’ve always been able to relate to the lyrics because like the song, I’ve
always been praying for something to happen in my life. I can’t help but wonder
if it already has or maybe it’s about to.

I finally manage to fall asleep only to dream about a
beautiful pair of brown eyes that I am desperate to see again.

I wake up this morning and it only takes me a matter of
seconds before I realise what day it is. It’s Friday, it’s finally here and I’m
going to see Jake again tonight. I can hardly believe it. I don’t know whether
to do a dance for joy or throw up. I’m terrified and as much as I try to ignore
my fear it’s becoming more and more difficult to let go of all of the ‘what
ifs’ and apprehension.

 All week I’ve been waiting for this day to come and
now that its here my stomach is in knots. I’m not expected to work in the
bookstore today so I’m stuck at home with mum and the overwhelming
preoccupation with my negative thoughts. I can’t help but participate in yet
another internal battle with myself as I contradict myself over and over again.
In the end I force myself to go upstairs and lie down, suffering to the point
of exhaustion and insanity.

I’m restless and I can’t
settle my mind on anything other than him. I don’t think I’ve realised until
now how lonely I’ve been. It wasn’t until I spoke with Jake last week that I
realised what I’ve been missing out on all this time. I’m intrigued and
hopelessly drawn to this boy to the point of obsession.

My father arrives home from the bookstore at his normal
time. I predict that he’ll watch TV for a while before making his way upstairs
to take a shower. He’ll then eat the food that my mum slaved over all day
before heading out to God knows where. His actions are so foreseeable; it would
be funny if it weren’t so tedious.

 In the past I’ve come so close to asking him where
does he go but every time I’ve changed my mind, choosing to be thankful and
appreciate the fact that we get one evening alone without him a week.

I wait a few minutes after he’s left before I decide to
break it to mum that I still intend on going out tonight.

“Mum, I’m going to get going now.” I walk into the kitchen
to find her at the sink washing up.

“Have a nice time.” She replies reservedly. Her back
stiffens and I can see how tense she is.

I bite down on my bottom lip, reconsidering what I’m about
to do for the thousandth time this week.

“Will you be ok?” I ask doubtfully.

“I remember being your age, Bethany. I used to want the
same things that you do now. I wanted to socialise and meet new people. I
suppose a part of me still does.” She sighs despairingly and I have to turn
away from her so that my tears won’t fall. She’s my mum and I realise that I
actually know nothing about her life. Who she was before she met my father or
what kind of woman she was before she had me. All of it is unknown to me.

 I breathe a great sigh of relief as I step out of the
house. I feel a rush of exhilaration and I savour the sweet, forbidden taste of
freedom.

It takes me ten minutes to make it to our meeting place.
I’m just about to round the final corner when I stop. It’s as though I’m frozen
and I can’t force myself to take another step. I can’t bear to be disappointed
and there’s a huge chance that Jake won’t even be here. I’m such an idiot,
actually believing that someone like him would want to meet up with a nobody
like me again. He could have anybody he wants, why the hell would he be
interested in me? The idea is ludicrous.

I’m so close to turning back. I hesitate, debating whether
I should go on or not. I decide to count to ten and by the time I reach the end
of my countdown I’ll have made my mind up. When I reach ten I’m still stood
there like a terrified child who’s reluctant to receive their punishment. This
is really pathetic. I will myself to be brave and just find out the truth. If
he isn’t there then I’ll just turn around and go back home.

I take a deep breath and force my feet to walk onwards. I
round the final corner and blink several times; I can hardly believe the sight
before me. He’s there. He’s actually here and waiting for me. He’s pacing back
and forth and he looks agitated or possibly worried. He’s not facing me and
he’s still unaware of my presence. I decide to enjoy my private observation of
him before he realises that I’m here.

God, he’s even more perfect than I imagined him to be. He’s
really tall, muscular, toned and just… breathtakingly, impressively gorgeous. I
still can’t believe that he’s really waiting here for me. I consider pinching
myself to see if I’m actually dreaming because none of this can be real, things
like this don’t happen to me, they just don’t.

I hesitate before making my way over to him, wondering if
he’ll be disappointed when he sees me again. He might have thought me to be
prettier than what I actually am. What if he takes one look at me and walks
away?

My mind is racing with all of these horrible possibilities
when Jake suddenly turns around, bringing us face to face with one another.

“Bethany, I can’t believe you actually came.”

He looks pleasantly surprised and I notice his evident
relief at my arrival. It seems like I wasn’t the only one who was doubtful
about the possibility of the other turning up.

“I told you I’d be here, I promised.” I bow my head,
feeling embarrassed. The gaze that he gives me is so penetrating, it’s as
though he can see right into my soul and it unnerves me that someone I hardly
know has such a powerful influence on me.

When I next glance up at him I notice his remarkable eyes
are travelling all over my body in appreciation. Thank God he seems to like
what he sees. I just wish that I could have made more of an effort for seeing
him tonight. My entire wardrobe consists of jeans, plenty of T-shirts and a
couple of jackets. I own nothing that would normally attract the attention of
someone like Jake.

“You always keep your promises?” He asks, his eyes
sparkling with amusement.

“Of course.”

“Good. So right now I want you to make me a promise that
you’ll meet me again next week. I won’t take no for an answer.”

“Let’s just see how tonight goes before I arrange to see
you again.” I reply indifferently. There’s still a part of me that believes I
should at least try to play hard to get.

“Deal.” He grins at me mischievously, providing me with the
feeling that he likes a challenge.

We stand there awkwardly for a moment. My mind coming up
empty, all week I’ve been desperate to talk with him and now I can’t think of a
single thing to say to him.

“Want to go for a drink or something? There’s a Starbucks
that opens late and it’s not too far from here.” He suggests optimistically.

“Erm, maybe another time.” I’d love to go for coffee with
Jake but I can’t risk my father seeing me. He could be in town and if we’re in
a public place together there’s a greater chance of me being found out.

“Ok, no problem.” He looks disappointed and the expression
on his face makes me want to explain everything to him. He thinks I just
rejected him when I actually turned down his invitation so that I can hope for
the possibility of being able to see him again.

“We could just have a quick walk?” I know it’s a rubbish
proposition but I can’t think of anything better.

“Are you sure? It’s cold tonight, are you warm enough?” He
asks, with genuine concern in his voice.

“I’m fine.” I try to conceal my smile, loving the fact that
he seems worried about me.

“Well, at least take this again. You looked so damn good in
it last time.”

He removes his hoodie, offering it to me like he did
before. He has a long sleeved T-shirt on so I know he won’t be too cold without
it.

I could jump for joy, I couldn’t refuse anything of his and
he probably knows it. I’m about to pull it on over my head when I decide to be
bold and remove my top layers of clothing so that I can feel his hoodie
touching my skin. I also want to see his reaction to what I’m about to do.

I ask him to hold his hoodie for a second and he looks at
me in confusion. I gaze back at him, composed and nonchalant, even thought
confidant is the last thing on this earth that I feel. I begin to unbutton my jacket
and slide it from my shoulders, my large T-shirt is next. Its absolutely
freezing but I really don’t care. All that’s left is my white camisole, I’m
wearing a pink bra underneath and I know that it’s clearly visible through the
thin fabric.

I hold back a smirk when I watch his mouth fall open in
shock. His eyes widen at the view before him and I’m so thankful its cold
outside, meaning my cheeks shouldn’t be bright red with all of the attention
he’s placing on me. I hold my hand out for him to give me back his hoodie but
he remains still, staring at me with desire and a hunger that I’ve never seen
in a man’s eyes before.

“Jake?” I prompt him, acting oblivious.

“S-sorry, here you go.” He shakes his head slightly, like
he’s trying to force himself to focus.

“Thanks.” I bite the inside of my cheeks, trying so hard
not to smile. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

The hoodie is so big for me but it’s definitely cosy. It
smells fresh and masculine, just like Jake. I’m so glad he offered it to me again.
Jake insists on carrying my jacket and T-shirt for me as we slowly start our
stroll.

I really want to observe him but because he’s walking next
to me he’s only in my peripheral vision. However, I do notice how smartly
dressed he is. His jeans look brand new and I don’t know much about fashion but
I recognise his Timberland boots and know how expensive they are.

“It looks really, really good on you.” He whispers huskily,
directly into my ear. I shiver as he playfully nudges against me.

“Maybe it’s the colour.” It’s bright blue and I’m certain
it looked far better on Jake than it does on me.

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s you.”

I
turn to see if he’s joking but he’s staring back at me with an intensity that
makes my knees tremble.

“Are you sure you aren’t cold?” I ask him, feeling guilty.

“Nah, I’m good.” He winks at me and I avert my gaze back to
the road ahead of us.

“You know, I really wish you had a phone. I’ve been going
crazy all week not being able to get in touch with you.” He glances down before
nervously locking those magnificent eyes of his onto mine, searching them for
my reaction to his honesty. I pause, unsure of what to say and decide to be
honest with him.

“My father is kind of old fashioned, you know? I’ve never
been allowed my own phone.”

He frowns but doesn’t laugh at the ridiculousness of the
situation, a twenty year old young woman without a mobile. It’s practically
unheard of.

“I guess he just wants to keep you safe and protect you, I
don’t blame him. I can actually understand that.”

I bite my tongue from revealing the truth. I’m not about to
unload all of my personal life on Jake. He doesn’t deserve that and its way too
soon.

“I suppose you’re right.” I lie.

“So, Bethany, what made you decide to come here tonight?”
 

“Oh, I didn’t have much planned; it was either you or
another episode of Friends.”

He bursts out laughing and throws another dazzling smile
right at me.

“But Friends has been finished for years.”

“I have the whole collection on DVD.”

“And here I am hoping that you came to see me, not because
you grew bored of Jennifer Aniston reruns.”

“Actually, it was a toss up between you and another guy.” I
boast.

His smile immediately disappears, replaced by a look of
annoyance and dare I say… jealousy.

“Another guy? Who?” He demands.

“Jake, I was joking.” I stop walking and turn to face him,
trying to conceal my triumph at the thought of making him jealous.

He glares back at me and I start to worry that I’ve taken it
too far. I bite down on my bottom lip, feeling uncomfortable. Jake’s eyes
instantly drop to my mouth and fixate on my nervous action. Once again, I
recognise the passion and hunger behind that look. Do I really have such a
powerful affect over him? How is that even possible? I decide to test my theory
and lick my lips, pressing them together and watch in fascination as Jake’s jaw
clenches and his eyes turn dark with desire.

“Sorry, I know I keep on staring. It’s just…”

“What?” I challenge him.

“I just can’t help but stare when you do that.” His voice
is low and raspy, stirring something inside of me that I just can’t explain.