Read An American Love Story Online
Authors: C. S. Moore
An American Love Story (2 page)
"I don't understand how I let it happen. I'm mad at myself too."
"I'm mad at him," he grumbled.
"I know." I sighed. "I really am doing better, you know. The broken heart is still shattered, but all of the reasons why I left him⦠those things are repairing themselves." I looked up at the cuckoo clock that had hung above the mantle for as long as I could remember. It was later than the sunlight let on. "Shoot, I need to take a shower!"
"What time are your sisters getting here?" he asked with a smile.
"They're picking me up for dinner in an hour; are there towels in the guest bath?"
"Your mom got it all ready for you," he said standing up and pulling me into another hug. "It's good to have you back, baby sister."
I hugged him back tightly "It's good to be back," I whispered. That wasn't true. Every corner of this house had so many memories of him.
Grabbing my bag off of the entry bench, I made my way to the bathroom. I stepped inside and flicked on the light.
Brown and tan tiles crossed each other in a diamond pattern, meeting up to sand colored walls. The bathroom of the house was so bland when my parents bought it that I wanted to remodel it for them. My ex helped me customize the small room, and it was so much warmer now. I ran my fingers down the walls we had textured with our handprints; it was a quirky texture that you wouldn't expect. When I found a print larger than my own, I rested my hand there.
Maybe I shouldn't have come home.
My little sister swerved her jeep, missing a traffic cone at the last second.
"Mandy, just let me type it into navigation," my older sister, Kristy, shouted. "Whose idea was it for you to drive, seriously?"
"I got it! That cone came out of nowhere." Mandy huffed.
"Where are you taking me anyway? We didn't have to leave town, you know," I said.
Mandy turned to me, taking her blue eyes completely off of the road. "There are only two places to eat in town, and they both have taxidermied animals hanging on the walls⦠need I say more?"
"Good point â eyes on the road," I shouted as she merged abruptly before our lane ended. I turned to Kristy in the back seat â her eyes were as huge as mine. "Okay, I think I'll drive on the way back."
"You two are so uptight! I'm not a bad driver; I'm just a non-traditional driver." She grinned.
"I like tradition, you know staying in your lane and all that," Kristy said.
"Okay, you still haven't told me where we're going," I observed.
Kristy leaned forward. "We're doing sushi downtown. We didn't want to just take you to a boring café. You know, since you're a big city gal now. Have either of you had sushi yet?"
I laughed. "The closest I've come was an undercooked shrimp in my seafood fettuccine."
"You know I hate seafood," Mandy added.
"Then why are we going to Sushi?" I asked, completely perplexed.
"For you-shi." Mandy turned her blinker on to take the next exit.
I glanced out the window. It was just after twilight, and without the sun's tyrannous presence, the rebellious sky had dyed itself a deep purple. The birds seemed to enjoy it, as they now dominated the sky, lazily drifting east and then west. Looking at the birds engaged in their peaceful nightly routine made me envious of them. They drifted in the purple haze as though nothing in the world had changed. They could just go on gliding through life, like so many of my friends. Life was exactly the same as before the breakup to them. It was the opposite for me; I was a chopped down tree, just trying to remember how to be myself again.
It was easier to settle into a realm of comfort with the familiar sounds of my sisters squabbling about directions. Like anyone's childhood, fighting siblings made up some of the funniest memories of my youth.
"We're here," Mandy turned to me, a smug smile tipping her lips. She must have been right.
We unloaded and I looked around. I didn't see a sushi place.
"Here is an overstatement. The place is still a block away!" Kristy said.
"I won't get parking down there. Might as well scoop up this spot." Mandy slipped coins into the meter.
"Tessa's wearing stilettos; she'll be crippled by the time-"
"Don't worry about it," I interrupted Kristy. "I'm the manager of a shoe store. Believe me, I've gotten used to being in high heels all day long," I said trying to defuse the situation.
"She's just saying that⦠you know how self-sacrificing she is. If you would have taken Fifth, like I said, weâ" Kristy sighed and looked at me. "I just want tonight to be perfect. What if we don't get to see you again for another nine months?" Her eyes glistened. She always was the perfectionist.
"I'm sorry I waited so long to come back homeâ"
"Don't apologize, we want you to be wherever you're happiest," Mandy said, glaring at Kristy.
"I'm happy here. I've missed you all so much. It's just thatâ¦" I trailed off, unsure of how to explain it.
"You're miserable here too," Kristy guessed.
That was true.
I didn't want to lie to her, but I didn't want to tell her that visiting home was a miserable form of torture either.
"Let's get going. We might beat the dinner rush if we hurry," Mandy said, saving me from answering.
****
The restaurant was packed, and I could see why â it was fabulous. The décor was stainless steel mixed with bamboo accents giving the place a very modern feel. Potted orchids sat on the tables bringing splashes of color that balanced perfectly with the rest of the dining room. We took a seat at one of the smaller tables in a corner that was a little less occupied.
A waiter in a crisply pressed collared shirt handed us menus and smiled politely. "The special tonight is the rainbow rollâ"
"Sounds weird; what's that?" Mandy asked.
"It's like a California roll with yellowtail, tuna, salmon, white fish, snapper, eel, and of course avocado," the waiter said.
"Eel?" Mandy asked. "Did I hear that right?"
"Eel is really good, not nearly as
weird
as you'd think," Kristy said.
"Really, you think you'll get me to eat eel?" Mandy asked, picking up her menu.
The waiter cleared his throat. "I'll give you ladies a moment," he said with a smile.
"So have you found it?" I asked Mandy.
"Found what?" she asked, still hidden behind the menu.
"Found the one American dish on the menu, like you do every time we eat somewhere exotic?"
Kristy laughed. "So trueâ¦"
Mandy lowered the menu just enough for me to see her sticking her tongue out. When she did things like that it was so easy for me to picture her still in pigtails. It was strange for me to think of her as a grown woman. She would always be my little sister, even if she was married off already.
"I'm just practical; I know I love burgers. I'll try some of the stuff you order, hate it, and then I'll have a lovely burger to fill me up instead of an empty belly," she reasoned. "Oh here we go⦠Teriyaki burger!"
I smiled; the one thing my little sister wasn't, was practical. Self-perception was such an odd thing; so many people looked at themselves and saw something completely different than what everyone else saw. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a woman that was just beginning to understand that she was beautiful, someone strong enough to turn her entire world upside down, and someone weak enough to still have an aching heart. I thought I was more honest than most when analyzing myself. But maybe that was a joke; maybe I looked much worse to someone on the outside. I hoped not.
"So what will you ladies have?" The waiter asked, bringing me out of my faraway thoughts. He looked at me, pen at his pad ready to scribble something down.
I hadn't even glanced at the menu. "Kristy, you order for me. I don't know what's good."
She beamed â the mother hen in her loved things like this. "We'll take two specials, an order of spicy tuna⦠also let's have one mango roll and one spider roll. Oh, and can we get extra ginger and wasabi on the side?"
"Of course, and for you miss?" he asked turning to Mandy.
"I'll have the teriyaki burger and fries," she said.
The waiter's eyebrows shot up in surprise.
I guessed it wasn't often that people ordered anything but sushi here. We handed the menus to the waiter, and he left to fill our order.
"That is a fine male specimen right there!" Kristy said when he was out of hearing distance.
"Really?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"Are you serious? I'm a married woman, and I about ran off into the sunset with him," Mandy said, throwing her long hair over her shoulder to catch one more look at our waiter.
"I guess I didn't notice," I said.
Mandy narrowed her eyes at me. "Have you noticed anyone since Phil?"
"No," I said honestly.
"Have you gone on any dates?" Kristy asked.
I sighed; I didn't understand why this was important. "Yes, I go on a date with a different guy every week."
"A different guyâ¦" Mandy trailed off.
Kristy cleared her throat awkwardly. "You haven't, you knowâ¦"
"Yeah right, I didn't even invite any of them into my apartment, let aloneâ"
"Come on, Kristy, if she can keep her V-card intact through a six year relationship with some guy she actually loved, you think she'd do that?" Mandy asked.
"Well, they say blondes have more fun." She grinned.
These must be the jokes my Dad had warned me about. "Not that much fun, but blondes do get more dates. I even got asked out when I was stuck in rush hour traffic."
Mandy's mouth fell open. "No way? How'd that happen?"
"Well the guy in the car next to mine had been making flirty eyes at me for twenty minutes of stop-and-don't-go traffic. Then he jumped out of his car and came to my window and asked me out; I couldn't even run away, it so wasn't fair. I had to say yes."
"That's so sweet! Was he cute?" Mandy asked.
I thought back to the date we had gone on. I remember watching the clock, wondering how much longer I'd have to be out with him. But I couldn't remember if he was cute or not. "I don't know."
"Why are you even dating then? It doesn't really seem like you're ready," Kristy said worry creasing her brow.
"Well, I started dating two weeks after the breakup. Mostly because I was worried if I didn't start, I never would, but also I did it to prove to myself that I was desirableâ"
"Of course you are!" Mandy interrupted.
"Well, other guys seem to think so, but there's no point in keeping it up. I just end up feeling bad when they try to give me a goodnight kiss or hug, and it makes my skin crawl. These guys were all nothing but nice. I'm just sick of dating. I think I'll take a break and focus on me and school for a few years."
"That's probably a good idea. Look at me, I'm perfectly happy without a man to take care of and worry about," Kristy said with a shrug.
Our waiter showed up balancing plates expertly.
I tried to see him as any other girl would. He had sandy hair and piercing blue eyes. His jaw was rounded in a cute baby face way; he wasn't too thin or too thick. All of his attributes added into a man any girl should think was cute, but he was just a guy to me, nothing special. Maybe I was broken.
Kristy picked up her chop sticks and grabbed a piece of what I guessed was the rainbow roll. She held it up in a toast. "To taking a break from men, those venomous creatures God forced us to coexist with."
I followed suit and raised my roll, though it was hard to hold onto with the sticks. "I'll toast to that."
Mandy lifted her hamburger and touched it to our rolls, making a clinking sound like champagne glasses knocking together. "Don't tell my husband I participated in that man-hating speech!"
"It's not that I hate men," I protested. "I just hate men that make me hate myself."
"Did Phil make you feel that way?" Kristy asked around a mouthful of rice.
I hadn't talked about it him in so long; this trip was turning into a trial by fire. I had spent all of this time scrubbing out his memory, and now I was expected to talk about it like it was no big thing. "Yes, he was the master of the backhanded compliment. He'd say something like, 'I think you're so beautiful⦠I don't understand why the other guys at school think you're nothing to look at.'"
"Ouch," Kristy whispered.
"Did you slap him? Tell me you slapped him," Mandy said loudly.
"No, my self-esteem was so low⦠I was just happy he thought I was beautiful."
"That sucks; we all knew he was a cold fish. He was never touchy feely with you and didn't smile much, but we never thought that he treated you like that," Mandy said, her blue eyes catching me in a sad stare. "Why did you stay with him for so long?"
I popped a piece of sushi in my mouth to buy me some time and was surprised to find it was delicious. That was a question I had asked myself for a long time. I stayed with him because he was smart, he was sexy, and because I couldn't believe a guy like him would want me for a girlfriend. But when I set that list next to the reasons why I left, I couldn't understand why I stuck around for so long. I left because he was selfish, uncaring, and loved to talk down to me.
I swallowed and answered. "God only knows."
"You know what they say, when one door closes another opens," Kristy assured me.
"Maybe the big guy had to keep you off the market until the door you were meant to go through was open. I mean we all knew you weren't going to end up with Philâ"
I interrupted Mandy. "You knew? I mean you didn't even know how he treated me, or how miserable he could make me, and you still thought we wouldn't end up together?" I couldn't believe it.
"Honey," Mandy said a smile on her lips. "You're so full of love and life â you're like one of those huge fireworks the city sets off, bright and full of colors. And he's a⦠well, a dud. I just can't wait for you to find the door that's standing open waiting for you."
My sisters dropped me back off at our parents' house; it was after ten, so I tried to be quiet. It brought back memories of my teenage years, trying to get back into the house without waking my parents. When I cracked the front door open, I saw my father was still awake. He was perched in his favorite chair reading an old western by the light of the table side lamp.
