Ascending Darkness (Shattering the Darkness) (3 page)

But having him with me, wouldn’t make it better. It would just be taking more risks in case they haven’t seen the photos.

Wouldn’t it?

My hand convulses in Nikko’s grip and my eyes pleading with him, “Nikko, you have to tell him. Tell him to get protection. Just let him know he’s not safe and he needs someone watching out for him,” I plead to try to assuage my rising panic.

“I have, baby girl. But he thinks it’s ridiculous. He has security at his building and his apartment, he says he’s not going to have someone following him around.” His voice is that of a frustrated parent dealing with
a teenager that just does whatever they want; confirmed by the act of him rolling his eyes.

“You’ve t… talked to… him?” I choke out
, clearly avoiding Nikko’s eyes, looking at his chin instead. He lifts my head with his fingers on my chin to force me to look at him.

“He misses you, baby girl
,” Nikko says softly.

I want to cry. I can feel the ball build in my chest and start to go up my throat, making the backs of my eyes sting and my nose burn. I want to see him, but there is something fundamental keeping me away. I’m not even sure what it is at this point. My head is so cloudy, I can’t remember why keeping him away was a good idea.

Nikko managed to make me see sense; Breccan is not safe… and maybe he would be with me.

No.

I can’t.

I jump off the couch and run to the gym. I start punching the heavy bag without any tape or gloves on. I need to get rid of this lump and burning stuck in my body. Something has to give. I begin hitting the bag repeatedly and I feel the burn start to dissipate. I feel Nikko standing off to the side watching me. But I just keep punching
the bag with everything I have left in me until I’m completely exhausted.

I swing around with a roundhouse kick to the bag and
stumble back a few steps and fall down on to the mat in the center of the room, completely breathless and drenched in sweat.

Without looking at Nikko, or anything, I tell him, “I’ll be
at work tomorrow.”

Nikko walks toward me but I get up and go upstairs and spend the next thirty minutes in the shower and an hour after that in my room.

When I eventually come back downstairs, Nikko has gone.

*****

“I was listening to that.” I tell him, unnecessarily.

“Now you’re gonna listen to me
,” he responds and there is definite anger in his voice.

“We’ve said it already, Nikko. I’m back to work, I’m eating and working out. I’m getting on with my life.”

“Harper-” He begins.

“No
,” I lift up my hand to cut him off as I turn my whole body towards him. “I’m back to me. Don’t try to make me feel bad about that.”

“You are not fuckin’ back to being you. You’re empty!
You’re running on vapors!” he throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “You’re going through the fuckin’ motions, not moving forward. You’re stuck with him. And you should be. You should be with him moving forward, but you need to get it through your head to go to him. I’m sick of this shit.”

“I don’t see him making any effort
,” I retort. “Haven’t heard one word from him. He’s not that broke up over it and I’ll be dammed if I go crawling back, begging for forgiveness.”

Nikko lets out a heavy sigh. “Baby girl.” He stares at me a moment before going on, voice soft
, “He needs to know that you want him enough to fight. He’s been fighting for you this whole time and you’ve given him nothing. You need to go see him, take him back and let him in. Give him something.”

I walk towards him taking off my wraps as I go, and throw them on the shelf
, discarding them, when I’m finished. “Not gonna happen,” I answer him.

“Just think about everything. About him
,” Nikko comes closer and looks down into my eyes, with nothing but kindness and concern in his. “I know how you feel about him. I could see it every time he was near you.”

“Nikko, all I’ve done is think about him. I need to stop dwelling
on it and move on.” I answer quietly.

“Not yet, baby girl. Not yet. Give it more thought. Think of the good times. Was there even any bad
times? Trust your gut. You’ve got a good one and I know you’ve been ignoring it.”

Unfortunately, he’s right. Everything in me screams for me to track Breccan down and beg him to take me back. Instead of answering
, I just walk out and go upstairs to shower.

One week later…

It’s Saturday morning and I’ve agreed to go out to lunch with Brynn and Avery today. I haven’t seen them since the
Taste of Paradise
, even though they have called relentlessly.

I have to pretend all day
, every day, at work that I’m fine, so my employees don’t constantly look at me with sad eyes (which they do anyway) and whenever I’m around Nikko and Kara; I just don’t have it in me to pretend with my best friends.

I just need some time to hurt and wallow in peace. I know I should just get up and move on, but a part of me truly doesn’t want to let Breccan go. I know Nikko says I could have him back if I just went to him, but can I
really do that?

Nothing has happened to give me any indication that my past has caught up with my present. Maybe the deranged fuckers don’t have access to papers and internet. Or maybe they don’t bother reading that shit, or they just really don’t care where I am or what I’m doing and I’ve totally overreacted.

I’m so confused about what I should do. I want Breccan and the pain of missing him is only getting worse. It’s a physical ache that constantly assaults me and I’m confused about what to do with it. The days continue to blur by, merging into an endless pit of nothing and I’m not sure what I’ve done with myself for the day once it’s done; I’m just mindlessly floating through my life without any ambition anymore; I’m simply going through the motions.

I get back from my morning run with Bane and hop in the shower. When I’m done I get out and throw on some cotton shorts and a tank, pull my hair up in a messy knot on top of my head and clean my apartment, again. I’ve slowed down the workouts this week, because all it does is give me time to think. And I’m pretty
sure I’m getting underweight since I really haven’t been eating that much.

I’ve discovered cleaning takes a lot of my concentration so I’ve done it every night this week.

The whole apartment top to bottom.

Every day.

It’s the only thing that allows me escape and really exhausts me, so I’ve grasped onto it thinking I’ll take anything I can get at this point.

Before long my apartment buzzer goes off. I straighten from vacuuming the couch cushions and look at the clock in my living room, discovering several hours have passed and it’s almost noon.

I head to the intercom and flip open the screen to see Brynn and Avery standing there. I buzz them up, open the door a crack and start to pick up my cleaning supplies to put them away. I’m standing in the kitchen, bending over and putting away the supplies under the sink when they enter the apartment.

I speak from under the counter, “I’ve just got to run up and change. I’m sorry
, I lost track of time.” I straighten and turn to face both of them, who are standing in the kitchen looking at me with wide eyes. “What?” I ask, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

“Uh… girl? Have you fucking looked at yourself lately?” Avery asks
shock evident on his face, while Brynn appears to be at a loss for words.

“Not really. Why?”

“You’ve lost, like, a
ton
of weight.” Avery comes closer. “Are you even eating?” he demands.

“Yes, of course.” I answer taking offense.

“Doesn’t look like it.” He puts his hand on his hip, full of attitude and ready for a face off.

“I’ve just been working out a lot more
,” I explain.

“Well, go get dressed then. I’ll hold you down for lunch while Brynn shoves some lard down your throat.”

“Ha-ha.” I answer with mock hilarity, and my best sarcastic look, then stomp up the stairs to change into a pair of faded blue jeans and a white t-shirt with a logo on the back from a local body shop that I have no idea how I acquired.

I head back down the stairs and grab my purse.

“So where are we going?” I ask.

“Somewhere with greasy food. You need fat
,” Brynn says matter factly.

Apparently
she’s found her voice
.

“Fine
,” I reply like a teenager full of attitude.

We head out the front door, I lock up and follow them to
the elevator. We all get in and I feel awkward. I haven’t seen them in so long and I’m not really sure what to say. Do they feel the same as Nikko? That I made a huge mistake. I don’t want to talk about Breccan and I’m pretty sure that
that
is what they want to talk about. I take a deep breath and decide I may as well start.

I clear my throat,
“So how have you guys been?”

“You’d know if you actually took our calls, or let us visit, or come out with us, or…
” Avery puts his hand on his hip and drops his voice, making it full of attitude and rolls his eyes, “I don’t know… maybe had anything to do with us
at all
these last two weeks.”

“Yeah, sorry
,” I mumble and bite my lip, feeling horrible for ignoring them.

“
Knock it off Avery,” Brynn says with finality in her voice, cutting off the retort Avery was sure to make. “We’ll talk about it over lunch.”

Avery spins around and crosses his arms over his chest
, pouting. I stay silent in the corner, knowing I have to take it and just get it over with so that we can all move forward.

We get into Brynn’s Range Rover and go to a café, named
Tren
, on the other side of town that serves amazing sandwiches. We sit, order and that is the end of my reprieve before they dig into me.

“Why?” Is all Brynn says. I look at her and notice she appears, quite simply, pissed.

“Why what?” I take a sip of my water and look her right in the eyes.

“You know what. Why the fuck did you end it with Breccan and then avoid us?”
she asks, elbows on the table and leaning forward towards me.

“You know why I ended it
,” I answer and look away from her, out the window.

“Yeah, because you’re scared
,” she states snottily and leans back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. “Has anything happened since the photo came out? Anything to make you think that was the right decision?”

“I’m not fucking scared. It was for the best. And no, nothing has happened.” I feel my anger start to rise and the attitude in my
voice clear. I am completely on the defensive and lying through my teeth. Of course I’m scared.

Fucking terrified.

Avery sits next to us with wide eyes; his head darting back and forth between us as the tension thickens. I slowly close my eyes and take a deep breath to relax. The last thing I need is to get in a fight with my best friends.

“I don’t know, Brynn
,” I shake my head and look at the table. “I don’t know what I’ve done, if I can fix it or even if I want to. I’m so confused right now.” I lift my head and notice her face has softened and her arms have relaxed some. “I can’t imagine he wants me to even try. I haven’t heard a peep from him.”

My eyes shift behind her to look at a couple in a corner booth, sitting side by side, having lunch. They are a young couple, maybe late teens or early twenties. The boy has his arm around her and her head is resting on his shoulder. It’s clear they care a lot about each other as they speak quietly to
one other with small smiles on their faces, looking into each other’s eyes. The boy reaches up with his free arm and runs his finger gently across the girl’s lips and I notice her cheeks darken in color. A pang shoots through my chest at the idea of having had that and losing it.

“Nikko won’t let him
,” I hear Brynn say and my head snaps back to look at her.

Her face is blank but I can almost see a hint of sadness in her eyes.

What is that about
?

“What?”
my voice raises and squeaks. I cough lightly to clear it and when I speak again my voice is still high, but not squeaky at least. “What do you mean?”

Brynn starts to speak, but pauses while the waitress sets down our food. Once we’re alone again she continues, “Nikko won’t let Breccan contact you until he feels you’re ready.” Brynn reaches for the ketchup and squeezes some onto her plate like she didn’t just rock my world.

Why would Nikko do that? And why does that upset me? I want Breccan to move on.