Autum's Lost (A letting go series) (3 page)

And with that, they all head down the stairs and close my loft door.

At eight in the morning, I trudge downstairs to take a shower.
My mom calls me from the guest room and I walk down the hallway to see her. “Hey, mom,” I say as I lean against the door frame.

“Sweetie, come in and shut the door.”

I shut the door and sit down in the overstuffed chair by the window. “Addy, how long?” She looks at me with a very serious expression, and I turn away to look out at the yard.

“Do you want to know how long it’s been going on, or how many times, because those are two different
questions.”

My mom’s face falls and then she sets her jaw.

“Twelve years, mom, five different times.”

“Oh, my God!”
Is all she can say, her face fills with shock and horror and she begins to weep.

“Mom, I have to go to my daughter’s funeral today, and I could care less about Curt. As a matter of fact, I gave up on him ten years ago, so for me, he is history.”
I take a look out the window again and tear up. “The worst part of this whole jacked-up situation is he was a great dad. Autum loved him to the end of the earth, so that part of me has to be present for the next few hours.” I look over at her, and tears are staining her nightgown. I move over to her, wrap my arms around her neck, and my tears start again. “You and dad are the best parents a girl can have, and Auty loved you both so, so much. Please keep that in mind, before you spear Curt’s balls with your knitting needles.”

We both start laughing so hard the tears are just flowing freely, part laughter, and part sadness. There is a knock at the door and my
brother Joseph enters. Joseph is two years younger than me but at 40 years old he looks 30 if that. He lives in Minnesota with his fiancée Jane and works for the Minnesota Division of Forestry. His brown hair is still wet from the shower and his blue eyes look like all of ours, tired with black rings. “Hey, is everything all right in here?” he asks, his eyes lined with concern.

“Yes, I just need coffee and some sleep.”

Joseph says softly, “Coffee is ready downstairs and I booked you a room at the posh hotel tonight for you and Jess.”

I hug him and kiss his cheek, “Thanks,
bro, I will need the hot tub later for sure.”

I start to walk down the hallway and I hear Curt ask, “Addy?”

I stop and look into our bedroom. I turn and face him with a blank expression, “Yes?”

“Can we talk for a few minutes?” he asks.
His eyes look black and sunken, and his face has several days of stubble on it.

“Yeah,” I reply.

“I am sorry for what I said last night, and I am sorry for what I have done to our marriage. I am asking you to not give up on us. This house is so completely empty without Auty and when you leave, it will be a tomb.” His eyes are searching mine for something that I refuse to give him.

“Curt, you were a wonderful
dad to Autum. She adored you in every way and you never failed her, and for that I am grateful. But as far as ‘
us
’ goes, it’s over, I have nothing left to give and if you are being 100% honest with yourself, you don’t either.” And with that I walked away.

I want to say the funeral was beautiful, and the words people spoke were awe-inspiring. But the truth is, I heard nothing. I saw the coffin and the pink satin that lined the outside of it, because I refused to have an open casket. The beautiful girl we had was in a picture standing on an easel. The sixteen dozen red and pink spray roses that adorn the top of the coffin smelled divine, or so I was told. I saw dozens of arrangements and plants placed at the church’s alter but still never took in their beauty. Clarissa sat at my side while Michael held her as she wept. Kirk sat behind me with his mother and father while quiet sobs escaped him. Curt sat beside me and he finally cried. He had bottled up the tears ever since the night at the hospital, and the grief wracked his body. He was sitting next to his mother, and like a child, he laid is head on her shoulder while she held him. I could not stop crying. I felt like my life was over.

When the service was over and people started streaming out of the church, I sat and stared at the picture in front
of me. My beautiful Autum, sixteen years old, perfect in every way. How had this happened? I look at the floor and see a pair of black polished shoes, just below the legs of a pin- striped Armani suit, in front of me. I look up and it’s Michael, with his soft brown curly hair styled so perfectly. I look around and see everyone else has left the church.

“How long have I been sitting here?” I ask him.

He sits down next to me, crosses his legs, and says “Well, most likely fifteen minutes or so.”

I look at Autum’s picture and say “She was perfect in every way. The night she was killed, I gave her crap about my car. A car, Michael - how fucking selfish is that?”

He looks at me sternly and says “Don’t.” I look at the ground and I see the tears are now falling onto my pants. “Addy, look at me,” he says. I look up at him and he takes my chin in his hand and says, “You are the most unselfish person I know. You gave her everything a mother could. She was respectful, had a kind heart and adored you and Curt.” I breathe in a shaky breath.

“I know Curt is a bastard, Addy. I know he has hurt you, but
you
are the one who made her heart the way it was.”

I nod and say “She loved her dad Michael, and for all his shiftiness, he was a great father to her. Our marriage is over, but I walk away knowing our daughter was loved by both of us.”

Michael nods his head and smiles a tight smile before he says, “Never forget who you really are, Addy, because I can still see that beautiful girl in there.” I hug him tightly and he leaves to go downstairs to the reception. I stand and walk towards the stairs, and see Curt coming up at the same time. I try my best to ignore him as I walk down the stairs, but Curt, being Curt, can’t stand to be ignored.

“So that’s how this is going to be? You ignore me any chance you get, not looking at me, no acknowledgement at all?”
He states accusingly. I take a deep breath, before I respond, I see Michael talking at the bottom of the stairs. He turns around to look at Curt, and then takes one step back so his body is in the doorway at the bottom of the stairs. I look one second more at Michael’s back before I hear behind me,

“HELLOOOO!” I turn and see Curt’s hands on his hips, head is cocked to the side, “Are you done eye fucking Michael?” he sneers.

I bite the inside of my cheeks, breathe in slowly through my nose and
then release it the same way before I respond loudly with, “Yes, and it was glorious!”

Curt turns ten shades of red and takes two menacing steps towards me to get in my face.
I just stand there looking at him.

“So, this is how this ends? Nineteen
years together, and this is what I get? Do you think I deserve this Addison?”

Slowly and quietly I say, “Do you really, want me to respond to the last question? Because I can, in five words.” I don’t blink or move at the last sentence but Curt looks like he was just punched in the gut. “That’s what I thought, and to answer your first question Curt, yes, this is how it ends.”

Curt steps away from me and is looking at the ground when we hear someone coming up the stairs, I turn around and see Michael.

“Are you guys ok? There is an office upstairs that you can use if you wish.”

“Thanks, Michael, but that’s not needed. Seems Addy here has made her mind up.” Curt looks up and stares at me like I’m trash before he turns, sulks up the stairs, and slams the door on his way out.

I shake my head still looking at the door “We are a hot mess aren’t we?”

Michael chuckles next to me bends down to my ear “Well HE is a mess. You, well, you are just HOT.” My sharp intake of breath makes him smile ear to ear so his dimples are deep within his cheeks, he then walks back down the stairs and disappears in the crowd of people. I just stand there and stare, with my mouth open, and my eyes burning a hole into the bottom of the stairs.

Two weeks later
.

“Yes, Jess, I’m sure I don’t need a body guard to go to the insurance office.”

“Are you sure? I am in my car now; it will take me 10 minutes to get there.”

“I’m positive; besides, my Dad and uncle are meeting me there.”

“Did Curt sign the divorce papers yet? Rat bastard better have.”

“No, not yet, he is going to be at the insurance office when I get there. Hopefully he doesn’t make a total debacle of everything.”

“So, you are going to the funeral home today, have you talked with Michael since the funeral?”

“No, I haven’t talk
ed to Michael.”

“Why not? He thinks you’re hot, which I totally agree with. Just ask him out.” I hear her trying to hold back her laughter

I roll my eyes “No, not happening, and I can hear you laughing asshat!”

“Hey, there is nothing wrong with a hot British man wanting you, besides, you already eye fucked him, might as well take him out to dinner.” With that she is laughing so hard she is crying.

“You are disgusting you know that,” as I smirk into the phone, while my friend tries to rein in her laughter.

“HA! Tell me something I don’t know!” she exclaims.

“Good-bye Jess” I say sweetly, before I hang up on her still laughing voice on the phone.

I pull into the insurance parking lot and my Dad and uncle are there waiting for me. I see Curt’s car there as well but he is not in it.

“Addybell,” my father says and gives me a big hug.

“Hey Dad, thanks for coming, this shouldn’t take too long.”

“Sweetie, we have nothing planned this morning, so no worries about that.”

My Uncle Jon smiles at me and gives me a hug as well.
“Addy, your Dad and I are going to get the Harley’s out this afternoon; I hear it’s going to be seventy five degrees today. Getting them broke in after being in the garage all winter is going to be a blast. Do you want to come along sweetie?”

“No thanks, I have to go over to the funeral home and settle up with Michael.”

My dad gives me a thoughtful look and then says, “You know sweetie, Michael is a very nice man.”

“Dad,
Jess already started this with me today, and I have no interest in starting anything with Michael.”

“Ok, Addybell, just remember, love is a wonderful thing, and you have a lot of love left to give, to the right person that is.” He winks and puts his arm around my shoulder and we start into the building.

Oren Wilson is our Prairie View insurance man. We have been with him forever. My Dad, uncle and him went to college together. Oren has a million dollar smile, and a trophy wife to match it. I turn to go into his office and Curt is already sitting in one of the chairs. He makes no attempt to look at me, which means he is pouting like a two year old.

“Addy,” Oren says flashing that million dollar smile.

“Hi Oren,” I say and smile back. We all take a seat and Oren hands Curt and I a paper to sign that will release the insurance check.

Oren then says, “I was talking to Curt before you walked in, and I was telling him that I can split the check up three ways for you if you so wish.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, the total was fifty thousand dollars for the policy, we can cut Prairie View Funeral Home a check, and then the rest would be split in half.” Oren says cautiously, looking back and forth between Curt and
I.

“Seems like the fairest thing to do. Does that work for you Curt?” I look over at him and he is staring out the window with no expression on his face.

“Sure, I’m all about being fair.” He says with a bit of venom in his voice. I give a tight smile to Oren and hand him the bill for the funeral.

Oren stands and says, “Addy, Curt, I will be right back with your checks. Arwin and Jon, can I talk to you guys for
a couple seconds while Rachael gets the checks printed?” Oren walks around his desk and my dad and uncle follow him out of his office. I sit and wait for the comments that I know will be flying out of Curt’s mouth in, Five…..Four….Three...Two

“So, in the divorce papers, you want the hou
se, and everything in the house?” He looks over at me still void of any expression.

I nod my head once and then say, “Yes, that is correct.”

“I will agree to that, but we will share all of Autum’s stuff, you can’t have everything of hers. She loved me too Addy, so I am entitled to that.”

“Yes, I agree, she was the one thing we had together we loved equally. She would want it that way.”

“She wouldn’t want this divorce, and you know that.” Curt snidely says.

“Well, she isn’t here anymore,” I swallow hard. “And frankly, I need to be my number one priority for once, not some pathetic wife that comes in second place to a flavor of the moth.”