Back to Reality (29 page)

“Why are you following me?”
Emanuel asked with his back still turned to me.

“
Because…” My words trailed off because I didn’t know what to say.  I wasn’t ready to see him. I didn’t expect to see him. But when I did, I couldn’t let him go without saying something.

“Because what?” Emanuel turned to face me. There was about ten feet between us, but it felt like at least ten miles.

“Because I’m sorry, Emanuel. I’m sorry I just cut you off. Please believe me, I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant—”

“To hurt me? Please say to hurt me so I can call you on your bullshit.”

If my skin wasn’t iced over and frozen, heat might have reddened my face. “This isn’t bullshit. This is me apologizing for all the hurtful things I’ve done. I wrote—”

Cutting me off, Emanuel snapped, “
No, I’m done. I’m done!” The anger in his voice caused me to jump.

“I’m sorry,” I
whispered.  My tears didn’t make it past my cheeks before the biting cold air dried them on my face. “I’m so sorry. I’m so…” My voice broke off as the sob rippled through my body. I felt weak and I was shaking from my core. The cold of winter and the sadness that I felt over the hurt I caused Emanuel seized my body. “You—you have a baby on the way,” I stammered through the sobs. “And you were engaged. And the accident. There was always something. There will—always…I figured it wasn’t—it wasn’t meant to be. But I never wanted to hurt you. I thought it would be better—”

Emanuel growled loudly before marching over to me and grabbing my arm.  Crying, I allowed him to pull me through the front door of Serenity.  When he abruptly stopped, he grabbed me by the shoulders
and jostled me. “You are going to catch a fucking cold out there,” he muttered, rubbing my arms up and down with his hands.

As I thawed out, my crying started to
subside.  Peeking at him through my lashes, I couldn’t help the fresh wave of emotions that took over. I opened my mouth to say something, but Emanuel spoke first.

“
You’re not crying those tears for me. You’re crying them for you. You walked away and cut my out of your life. You didn’t answer my calls. You just…” He shook his head. “Those tears are for you. You’re selfish and you did this to yourself. And I’m done, Sahara. Done. I’m walking away this time.”

And before I had time to react, he walked out.

Chapter 30     

            
 
The party bus was relatively quiet on the ride back to Thomasville.  Everyone slept except for Emily, Monique and I.  Monique and Emily recapped the events of the night. With my oversized, black sunglasses covering my eyes, I sat with my head pressed against the window. Listening to music, I reflected over my life.

             
“Hey, you okay?” Emily asked, pulling my earbud out of my left ear.

             
When we met to walk down to breakfast, I didn’t mention seeing Emanuel. I didn’t want to make her worry about how her wedding was going to go.
Not to mention that I can’t assure her things will be okay after the way Emanuel and I left things last night,
I thought, my eyes burning with unshed tears.
How did I get myself into this mess?

             
“Tired,” I stated softly. After I watched Emanuel walk away, I went up to my room and wrote in my journal until I saw the sun peeking through the clouds.

             
The trip back to Thomasville seemed to go by a lot faster than the trip to Serenity. By the time we arrived at Emily’s house, everyone was up and chatting about their experience. We gathered in Emily’s front yard and talked for 45 minutes before saying goodbye.  As soon as everyone left, I was freshly showered and in a pair of grey yoga pants and a white T-shirt in no time.  Climbing into the bed, I pulled my phone off of the charger and called Ty.

             
“Hey,” Ty answered, distracted.

             
“Hey, how are you?” I fluffed my pillows before turning onto my side.

             
“Busy,” he sighed. “How are you baby girl?”

             
“Uh oh, that doesn’t sound good. What’s wrong?”

             
“I can’t leave.”

             
“What?” I sat up straight in bed.

             
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to disappoint you, and I tried to hold off on making the decision but I won’t be able to make it until Tuesday.”

             
Letting my head fall into my hands, I took a deep breath. “Why?”

             
“Things are busy right now. We have a private event that booked us for tomorrow. I can’t leave right now. I want to be there for you, with you. But I can’t leave.” He paused before he said, “I’m sorry baby girl. I’ll make it up to you.”

             
Finding my voice in a sea of disappointment, I said, “Okay.”

             
“I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

             
“Bye,” I whispered to the disconnected line. Ty had already hung up.

             
“Em?” I called as I put on my slippers and walked out of the guest bedroom. Peeking into her bedroom, Emily looked as if she were sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, I slowly backed away from her door.

             
“Come in,” Emily creaked from under a mountain of pillows.

             
“You need your rest…” I stood at the door waiting for her direction. I wanted to stay and talk, but if she needed her rest, I would wait until later.

             
“Come here.” She moved a few pillows over so that I could get in bed beside her.  I climbed in her huge bed beside her and propped myself up on her discarded pillows. She rolled over to face me. “What’s wrong?”

             
“I keep making the same mistakes over and over again,” I admitted dejectedly.

             
Propping her head up with her hand, Emily’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

             
“I just keep hurting people. Even when I try to do the right thing, I make a bigger mess of it.” I cover my face with my hands and press my palms into my eyes. “I’m miserable and I make everyone around me miserable.”

             
“You’ve been beating yourself up for ten years and you’ve only been in therapy for four months. You’re making progress, but it’s not going to happen overnight.”

I couldn’t help the tears that welled up in my eyes as I said, “I know I’m not going to
change completely in a few short months, but sometimes I feel different you know? Sometimes I feel like I’m making progress. Sometimes I imagine myself differently.  Sometimes I don’t think I’m a complete fuck up. Sometimes I have hope.” I wiped my face silently and looked at her. “But then reality sets in...”

Emily sat all the way up and crossed her legs un
derneath her.  Grabbing my hand, she said, “You can’t change the past, but you can change the future. So give yourself a clean slate. Stop making the same mistakes over and over again. Figure out what you want and be true to yourself. Be true to others and move forward. Keep moving forward.”

I squeezed her hand back and nodded. 
She’s right. I need a clean slate. And I can’t do anything until I’m honest with myself and those around me. About everything,
I thought as I hurled myself forward to embrace my best friend in a bear hug. “Thank you Em.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”
Releasing me, she looked in my eyes. “No matter what, I’m here for you.”

“You’re the best
Em,” I said as I climbed off of her bed. “Get some rest.”

Returning to the guest bedroom, I pulled my journal out of my bag and started to write.  Continuing where I left off, I added to my tirade I began on the plane.  Spilling everything I had onto the pages, I continued my confession. I wrote and cried until my h
and cramped.  Exhausting myself, I slipped into a fitful sleep.

“Sahara wake up!” Emily shook my shoulders roughly and I jerked awake with a start. My heart was pounding and my skin was slick with sweat. 
Gasping for air, I sat up immediately and went through my breathing exercises.
Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
, I thought as I focused on catching my breath.  I wiped the tears from my eyes and waited until my heart beat slowed to a normal, steady pace.

When I could breathe normally, I looked at Emily’s worried face. 
Not again,
I thought as I looked away, embarrassed. Gathering sheets of crumbled paper and tucking them into my journal, I made space on the bed.  Emily sat down carefully and watched me uneasily. “What happened?” she asked, the concern layering her voice.

“Bad dream,” I said thickly, my tongue felt heavy.

“Talk to me. What happened? What was the dream about?” Emily’s voice spiked.

“It’s okay.
It’s really early. Go back to sleep. I hope I didn’t wake you,” I replied, brushing off her questions. 

She looked at me silently and a look crossed her eyes.  Even in the
dim light of the early morning sun, I knew what I saw in her eyes was hurt.  Although my head told me to spare Emily the details of my dream so to not cause her additional worry on the day of her wedding rehearsal, I knew in my heart that in the long run, not confiding in her would do more damage than good to our relationship. 
Honesty. Here’s to clean slates,
I thought as she turned her head in preparation to walk out of the room.

“
It started out like it always does. I’m driving in some dark colored, nondescript car. I’m on a back, country road. The same isolated road it always is. And it’s dark. Really dark.  Not a star in the sky and not another car on the road. Everything was the same. It was the exact same dream except…” I wiped my eyes and then my entire face. Taking a deep breath, I choked out the last part of the sentence. “Except I was alone. They weren’t there. There was no one there.” I broke down and cried into my hands.

Sitting beside me and rubbing my back, Emily tried to console me. Folding into myself, I let my head drop into her lap. She stroked my hair, saying nothing. When I finally calmed down, she asked, “What do you think it means?”

“It means that I’m going to end up alone,” I sniffled, pushing myself off of her lap and wiping my face dry with the bottom of my T-shirt. I looked at her and shook my head slightly. “And it makes sense. Every man that’s ever meant anything to me, I’ve done nothing but hurt them. I’ve lied to them. I’ve hidden things from them. I’ve abandoned them. When they’ve needed me, I made sure they wouldn’t be able to find me. I knew it would hurt them, but I thought it would hurt less for me to leave than for the universe to do whatever it was going to do to them. I mean seriously, look at everything that happened to them because of me? Being with me only brought them heartache and pain.”

“
Okay…” Emily said slowly. “How much of that could’ve been avoided?”

Swiping at my eyes again, I furrow
ed my brows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Giving me a patient nod, Emily clarified, “
How much of that heartache and pain you caused could’ve been avoided?”

“I
don’t…” I started to respond and then trailed off. 
I don’t know,
I realized.
I really don’t know.

“No, I want
you to really think about it.”

After a moment of silence, I said,
“I don’t know. I think some of the more specific things could’ve been avoided; but overall, I think I still would’ve hurt them.”

“Anyone could say that! Everyone has a past. Everyone has had their heart broken. Everyone has broken a heart. That’s life.
You are so busy overcompensating for things you don’t even know will happen, you’re sabotaging yourself!” Emily threw her hands up in frustration.

The truth of her statement stunned me into silence.
Self-sabotage,
I thought as I let the word roll around on my tongue. I took a deep breath. And then another.
What is wrong with me that I keep doing this to myself?

“I’m sorry I woke you up
Em,” I apologized. “And I promise I’ll get myself together and I’ll be fine for the dinner tonight. Is there anything you need me to do?”

“All I need you to do is let go and give yourself permission to live your life.”
She stood up, still looking at me. “And to let me borrow that clutch you had last night.”

I smiled at the unexpected request.
I love that girl,
I thought as I sunk back down under the sheets.
She always knows just what to say.
“Of course. Are you wearing it tonight?”

“Hmmm… I should probably finalize what I’m wearing tonight huh?” Emily walked to the door, backwards. Still holding eye contact, she tilted her head to the side. “Will you be okay tonight…and tomorrow?”

“I’m celebrating my best friend’s wedding day. I’m going to be fine!”
It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that it becomes a problem,
I acknowledged silently.

“I’m going to try to catch a few more hours of sleep. Wake me up if I’m not up by 9am!”

“Okay, you officially have two and a half hours of beauty sleep before your wake up call.”

“Thanks Sahara,” she said before she closed the door. Cracking it back open, she added, “I love you.”

“I love you too Emily. Thanks for everything.”

As soon as Emily closed the door, I pulled the pages from my journal and started writing again.
Writing two letters at a time, I went back and forth between pages.
I’m sorry I hurt you... I feel responsible for you being hurt in that accident and I’m sorry… You don’t understand how much you’ve changed my life… You’re an amazing man… You are perfect for me... From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry… If I could rewrite history, I would make different choices… What I’m trying to do is mend the damage that I have done by giving you my truth… I slept with him not long after we fell apart… I’m not proud of it, but you needed to know… I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me… I can promise you that I won’t ever recklessly misplace your love and affection again…  It was wrong, selfish and cowardly… I should’ve told you this from the beginning… Words will never suffice but I needed to confess… Because you are perfect for me…  Because you are the love of my life… You are it for me… You brought me back to life… You make me happy… You make life worthwhile… I wanted this to work… I needed this to work… Please meet me… Please respond…
I noticed how eerily similar the letters were as I glanced back and forth before diving into writing again.

It was such a cathartic experience to just pour my entire soul, my entire lot of pain into my words without holding back.  Even when I found myself getting teary, I wrote through the tears.  When I found myself getting emotional, I wrote through the pain.  I wrote my truth and it hurt.
The truth hurts,
I thought as I ripped the pages out of the journal.  When I looked at the time, I decided to write one more letter. It was short, but just as heartbreaking. When I was done, I swung my legs off of the bed and slipped on my slippers to go wake Emily up.

After a day full of shopping, packing, and loud
ly singing, the early morning nightmare was no longer at the forefront of my mind. Instead, it creepily sat at the edge of my consciousness, teetering. It hung in the balance without any threat of tipping until we walked into The Smoke Room on Monday evening and I saw Emanuel again.