Back to Reality (31 page)

             
“Hey Isabella! What’s going on?”

             
“Emily needs us. I think she wants our help with something. She wants all of us to meet in the bridal area and she sent me to find you specifically.”

             
“Oh of course! Tell her I’ll be right there!”

             
I turned back around to face Ty, but he was gone.

Chapter 32
 

              “Who was that?” Isabella asked as we walked back to the wedding reception.

“My boyfriend,” I muttered.
Or ex-boyfriend. I don’t even know anymore,
I thought as we walked into the crowded reception area. 

“Nice,” she whistled. I gave her a smile and nodded.

The music was pumping through the speakers and all the guests were on the dance floor. Walking around the crowd, we headed to the backstage area where Emily and the other bridesmaids were touching up their makeup.  As soon as we walked through the door, Emily started yelling, causing everyone else to yell with her.

“I’m married!” she screamed excitedly, jumping up and down.
Isabella and I quickly joined in.  Someone cracked open a bottle of champagne and we raised our glasses. After having our private, girls-only moment, Emily opened a duffle bag.

“Thank you so much for being a part of my bridal party. You are all so important to me. As my closest friends, I just wanted to give you something to show you how much you are appreciated.” Pulling out boxes, she handed each of us a box.  “You can open them now.”

I took my time opening my beautifully wrapped gift. Everyone else tore into theirs, pulling out silk scarves.  I pulled out my silk scarf and rubbed the smooth fabric against my cheek. When I went to return the scarf to the box, I noticed something extra in there. Pulling it out, I saw a metal picture frame with two pictures.  Pulling it out, I was confronted with a picture of toddler Emily with her arms around toddler me. We couldn’t have been more than one years old.
Someone must’ve posed us with our arms around each other,
I thought as I smiled at the picture. The other picture of us was from Emily’s photo shoot that took place Friday that I was pulled into. Again, we were posed with our arms around each other. Looking at the picture, fresh tears prickled my eyes. 

When I looked up, Emily was smiling at me. I held the frame to my chest and
a rogue tear instantly fell.

“Okay ladies, I need a moment alone with Sahara and then it’ll be time for the
tosses!”

All of the bridesmaids, filed out of the room. Once the door closed, I broke down and cried. “Thank you for this.” I held up the frame before clutching it to my chest again. “Thank you.”

“Don’t cry! You’re going to make me cry again!” Emily said as her eyes started watering. Once her first tear fell, she cursed. “Dammit Sahara!” she yelled, shaking her fist in the air.

We laughed and hugged. Once we got ourselves together, Emily asked, “Has Ty made it yet?”

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“Well we need to get out there. The alcohol has been flowing and he looks too good. Some of these chicks might get
handsy!” Emily joked.

I tried to smile, but it didn’t reach my eyes.
“I know the plan was for me to stay in the hotel with Ty, but since you’re going to be at Anthony’s, would you mind if I stayed at your place tonight?”

“What happened?” Emily’s smile fell instantly.

“I’m not going to bore you with the details during your wedding, but I swear, I will tell you every detail before our flights take off tomorrow,” I promised, walking to the closed door.

“Okay well at least give me a hint. You know I hate being left in suspense,” Emily pleaded, following behind me.

With my hand on the doorknob, I turned around and looked at her. “He said he saw something when Emanuel and I were singing.”

Emily pulled a face and looked away. Her cheeks turned pink.

“What?” I asked slowly, suspiciously.

“Everyone saw that. I mean, wow. Even Anthony and I kept glancing at you two while you were singing. It was beautiful. I love the song, that’s why I picked it. But the way you two were singing it. I don’t know…”

I gave her a look and she winked, “Or maybe it was just the song choice.”

After we left the backstage bridal area, I searched for Ty but I couldn’t find him. 
Emanuel had been doing an awesome job avoiding me. Even with us both being part of the bridal party, I couldn’t find him. With only thirty minutes before midnight, Emily and Anthony cut the five-tier lemon cake and did their bouquet and garter tosses.  After the major reception moments, I found myself off to the side watching everything unfold.  Jillian kept things moving and before I knew it, it was only a few minutes before midnight.  The DJ made an announcement for everyone to grab a glass of champagne and get on the dance floor as he played ‘New Year’s Eve.’

With glasses in hand, we counted down and screamed “Happy New Year
.” From my seat in a corner, I watched everyone ring in the New Year happily. I rested my head against the wall and sipped my champagne as my legs dangled from the bar stool I was sitting on.

“Happy New Year dear!” Grandma Mills exclaimed, startling me.

“Happy New Year, Grandma Mills,” I coughed, the champagne choking me.

“You okay?
My God, you are over here choking!” Completely oblivious that her sneaking up on me was the cause of my choking, Grandma Mills sat down on the bar stool next to me.

             
“Yes, I’m fine.” I coughed again. “It went down the wrong pipe.”

             
“Why are you over here by yourself? The party is over there!”

             
“I was over there Grandma. I just came over here a few minutes ago. What are you doing over here? I thought you told me an hour ago you were going to leave.”

             
“I was. But then I got a second wind. When you’re my age, when you get a second wind, you ride it out!”

             
I laughed in response. “I hear that!”

             
“I’m about to leave now though because just as quickly as that wind came, it left.”

             
“Well it was good seeing you. I’ve missed you. I think about you a lot,” I said, reaching over to squeeze her wrinkled hand. She placed her other hand over top of our clasped ones and patted.

             
“I think about you too. I love you. You are one of my grandchildren. Always have been, always will be. Don’t go disappearing again. It’s not good for someone my age to have to miss someone as much as I missed you.”

             
“I know. I won’t. I promise.”

             
Grandma Mills hopped off of the barstool and stood in front of me. “I came over here to tell you goodbye and to also tell you that you and Manny need to start a singing group. I heard you up there singing. I heard both of you.”

             
Gazing at her fondly, I got off of my bar stool too. 
No, we will not be starting a singing group, Grandma Mills. He won’t even talk to me and we barely got through the one song we had to sing together,
I thought with amusement. “I don’t think so,” I laughed dryly.

             
“No dear. I heard you,” Grandma Mills repeated seriously, widening her eyes.

             
“I know,” I nodded, wrapping my arms around her and giving her a warm hug.

             
“You don’t get it, but you will,” Grandma Mills leaned back and winked before walking away.

             
As soon as she walked away, I sent a text to Ty.

Sahara Lee: Where are you? Can we please talk?

Sahara Lee: Ty please talk to me. The reception is ending soon. Meet me at Emily’s. Please come talk to me.

The reception ended at 1am. We threw confetti at Emily and Anthony as they ran to their limo. Once they pulled off, Jillian turned into a drill sergeant. Everyone was out of the building by 1:15am as the cleaning crew made their way inside.  I took a taxi to
Emily’s and I was showered and in bed by 2am. 

             
As I stretched out in bed, I let the melody of ‘Like A Star’ fill the room.  The weight of the day was heavy on me.  Focusing on Emily and the excitement of her day, I tried not to allow myself to fully feel the impact of my interactions with both Emanuel and Ty.
I’m glad I was able to give them both their letters. Regardless of what happens, they needed to know the truth,
I convinced myself silently.  My heart clenched.
Being completely honest will probably result in me ending up alone. But I had to do it. I don’t want to be miserable. And they deserve better than me. Emanuel said I was selfish. Ty said I was playing games.
As I reflected over their descriptions of me, my eyes burned with unshed tears.
I don’t even understand how they could love me. I’ve done horrible things. I pushed them away. I hurt them.

Biting my tongue, I prevented the tears from falling.
I have to be strong. I have to mentally prepare myself for what’s going to happen.  Like Emily said, I need to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. I want them to forgive me, so I had to be honest with them about everything. I had to let it all out. And hopefully, they will read the letters and not throw them away. And once they read them, everything changes. From that point forward, I’m completely exposed,
I thought, nervously fidgeting with the comforter. The darkness of the room and the impending darkness I felt in my future collided and a hot, salty tear trickled down my face.

Giving them those letters will likely result in me losing them both. And if I lose them, I can’t imagine finding anyone else who I would love to the degree that I loved them. But that’s my own fault. If I would’ve made different choices to begin with, things would be different now. I have to stay strong,
I thought drifting to sleep.
Once they read those letters, I won’t have either of them. Just like in my dream. I’ll end up alone.

I woke up to the sound of the alarm going off. R
ubbing my eyes, I sat up in bed stiffly.
I can’t believe I slept through the night,
I thought as I stretched and rolled out of bed. 
I don’t even think I dreamed.
 
After such an emotional day, such an emotional weekend, I expected to have a nightmare. Or a panic attack. Or both.

Grabbing my phone, I instantly
saw I had no missed calls or text messages.  I tried calling Ty two more times and each time, it went straight to voicemail. Sighing, I squeezed my eyes shut.
I don’t even know what room he’s in at the Renaissance,
I thought in defeat as the idea to call his room entered my mind.

After a long hot shower, my body felt rejuvenated.
“Crap!” I muttered to myself as I realized I had taken a lot longer in the shower than I had anticipated.  Checking the temperature on my phone, I pulled out a pair of Derek Lam abstract print black and white jeans. Pairing it with my knee-high flat black boots and a black Donna Karen oversized black poncho. I smiled slightly at my appearance in the mirror.

Calling a taxi, I finished t
hrowing everything else in my luggage. I rolled my bags to the door and while I waited, I walked around the house to ensure I wasn’t forgetting anything. When I heard the horn blow, I locked the house.  As the driver put my luggage in the trunk, I sent Emily a text message.

Sahara Lee: I will see you at the airport. I have to do something I should’ve done a long time ago. See you soon, Mrs. Diaz!!!!

              Taking one of my earbuds out of my ear, I struggled to take a deep breath.  Pulling through the gate, I felt the familiar unease of a developing panic attack.  The entire drive over, I closed my eyes and listened to music. I didn’t focus on it so I didn’t have trouble breathing until I felt us turn from the smooth drive of pavement to the rough terrain of gravel.  When the driver slowed to a stop, I didn’t immediately move.

             
“Ma’am? Are you alright?” he asked, quietly. He was an old man with wiry white hair and deep set wrinkles.

             
Taking two deep breaths, I opened my eyes. “Yes. Thank you. I don’t know how long I’ll be, but you can just keep the meter running,” I said before I opened the door.

             
“Take  your time, young lady. I know how it is.” He gave me a nod and tapped the top of his newsboy cap.

             
I got out of the car with a towel tucked under my arm and stood for a few minutes.  When I was sure the surging in my stomach wasn’t because I was going to vomit, I started walking. Even though I had never been there, I knew exactly where to go.
Every year, three times a year, I have flowers delivered so I should know exactly where to go,
I thought as I navigated past the main entrance signage. After a ten minute walk, I found myself at my destination. Laying the towel down on the grass of Thomas Grove Cemetery, I sat down and said, “Hi Dad.”

I sat in silence for a long time before I was able to speak again.  I took in the scenery. The freshly manicured lawn with striking green grass was evenly dotted with grey headstones.  Flowers of all different colors adorned different headstones. 
A person walked toward the exit in the distance.  And then my eyes reconnected with the headstone that was right in front of me: Officer Malcolm Lee.