Back To You (7 page)

“Huh.  Doesn’t seem like that has changed much.”

“Nope.  I have her in my biology class this year.  She is super smart, always asking questions and challenging the teacher.  Mrs. Fender loves it.”

“She is like that in English.  It is like she has no fear when it comes to asking questions or challenging something the te
acher says.  And she is nice to everyone, even that jerk Kyle that sits behind her.  He isn’t nice to very many people, but he talks to her.”

“I wish I had the guts to ask her out.  But I am happy if she wants to be friends.  She is really cool to talk to.”

“HA!  I did ask her out last year and she turned me down!  I felt like such an idiot.  Like why would SHE want to go out with ME.”

“Don’t underestimate her.  Try again sometime.”

“Nah.  Don’t think that will happen.  I don’t deal well with rejection,” Jack laughed.

“Uh huh.  And yet you can’t stop staring at her when you get the chance.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Dude, you are worse than me!”  Randy teased.  “C’mon, it’s almost time to go back to class.  Catch you later.”

“See ya,” said Jack as he dumped his lunch in the trash.

Back in class, they got an assignment that was due at the end of the week.  Creative writing using satire.  Jack wasn’t very excited about the assignment.  Music he could do.  Creative wri
ting?  Well, he would just have to wing it.

By the end of the week, they all had to get up in front of the class and read their creative writing assignments.  Jack was very nervous when presenting his.  The teacher gave him a nod of appro
val when he was done.  He welcomed the feeling of his seat when he was done.  Right after lunch that day, it was Suzy’s turn to go.  She did a complete comedic rewrite of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’.  The whole class was laughing by the time she was done.  A sort of change came over her when she got up to speak.  It was like she put on a mask that showed no fear and barged ahead, completely comfortable being up there.  Her writing was funny.  Jack found himself laughing out loud at some of the lines she had written.  But when she sat back down at her desk, Jack saw Kyle tap her shoulder and whisper something to her.  She blushed all of the way up to her hair.  “Thanks” was all she seemed to be able to say.  He felt his stomach tighten.  He was distracted for the rest of the class.

*****

I was glad to get that over with!  The inspiration came from sitting with Mom one night and goofing off with ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.  It just kept getting funnier and funnier, so I wrote it down.  Thankfully it fit into my assignment!  Teacher liked it and the class laughed at all the right parts.  Even Kyle told me he thought it was funny as hell and he wanted me to be in his group for the next writing assignment.  It was nice to hear the compliment.  Once or twice I even heard Jack’s laugh come from the back of the room.  It was distracting, but I held it together.  I loved getting in front of class for things like that.  I might not be great at a lot of things, but I thought I was pretty good at speaking to groups.

I don’t know how it happened, but the holidays came so fast!  Before I knew it, Christmas had come and
gone.  Kim had moved down from Little Rock so it felt good to have family around.  Brent was no longer in the picture, thank God.  It was just sort of quiet.  I spent many late nights sitting in the living room with nothing on but the tree lights and soft Christmas music playing.  That was my time to think.  Daydream was more like it.  Whatever it was, listening to Christmas music and watching the lights blink gave me a sort of peace that nothing else really could give.  I longed to share the holidays with someone.  Buying presents, holding hands, even sitting and looking at the tree lights together in a peaceful silence was something I often dreamed about.  Someday.

A couple of days before New Year’s Eve, Reneigh and I were talking about what we were doing to end the year.  Of course Monopoly’s was having a big party, and of course we planned to be there.  She and I decided to make a plan to let the Ponchy guys know how we felt.  I was nervous.  After she and I got off the phone, my phone rang.  It was Carlos!  He said he was coming back to town and wanted to know if I was going to be at Monopoly’s for New Year’s Eve.  He really wanted to see me
and promised to be there.  I thought his voice sounded a little funny, but I didn’t really care at the time.

You could say I was surprised.
  The down side was that it certainly could put a bit of a crimp in my plans to express my undying love to Pete.  But still, I felt the flutter in my stomach as I thought about Carlos’ smile and his kiss...

I took extra care to get ready New Year’s Eve.  My mom was planning on being out late so I was staying at Reneigh’s that night.  I was feeling
a little nervous.  I just couldn’t believe Carlos wanted to see me!  He was older, more mature, in college no less!  Granted I was almost sixteen and everyone said I looked like I was eighteen, but he knew the truth.  For the first time, I might be lucky enough to get a kiss at midnight!

As it turned out, luck was NOT on my side that night.  I would venture to say that luck was across town and hiding from me.  I would definitely chalk that one up to one of the worst New Year’s in my life.  Hands down.

When I got there, I looked around, hoping that Carlos was there.  Nope.  I wandered around looking for other friends to hang out with.  I had become friends with one of the owners, who was also the DJ.  The booth was up a flight of stairs and looked down on the entire place.  I always went up to say hi to Justin and he would always ask me what I wanted played next.  He was cool.  That fateful night I spent a lot of time hanging out with Justin.

Carlos never showed up, but Joel did.  A couple of times J
oel came up to me and smiled his cocky smile, usually saying something sarcastic or stupid.  I had no idea what Reneigh saw in him.  Yes, he was good looking.  But he wasn’t so good looking that it overcame his sarcastic attitude.  I thought he was just a jerk.  It seemed like he was laughing at me that night, bringing up that Carlos was supposed to come, but made other plans at the last minute.    And to make matters worse, Pete showed up for about thirty minutes and then disappeared with a girl the rest of the night.  It was New Year’s Eve and I was alone, again.  I felt so defeated.  And lonely.  And unlovable.  And angry and sad and a million other emotions that just weren’t very much fun on a party night like that.  They passed around those little popper things and some plastic cups of non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice.  Woo hoo.  I couldn’t wait to go home.  As for Reneigh, well, Joel wasn’t showing much interest in her that night.  It seemed he had more fun harassing me, so she found someone else to dance with.  Yep.  Life kinda sucked that night.

After that major personal tragedy, I couldn’t wait to get back to school.  I was determined not to let that night ruin
my year.  Supposedly whomever you kiss on New Year’s is who you will spend the year with.  I kissed no one, but I really, really hoped that didn’t mean that the next year would be spent longing after guys who didn’t like me back.  I was getting very tired of that.

C
hapter 5

January went by with very little to get excited about.  But February began with an event that altered the course of many lives.  A boy I knew, but didn’t know well, decided to kill himself.  I will never forget that day.

It was a typical nasty, rainy, dreary day.  The kind of day when
I would loved to stay in bed with a good book.  I heard the news sometime after lunch.  Scott shot himself.  The whole school was in shock.  I felt all sorts of emotions.  I knew him, but didn’t hang out with him.  He seemed nice, but a little on the strange side.  He just didn’t hang out with the same people I did.  But he knew Randy really well.

I just couldn’t believe that anything in life was so bad that you couldn’t live another day.  I never could understand that mental
ity.  Life sucked sometimes, but I still got up every day, hoping that it would be a good one.  I never thought that the world would be better without me.  It was hard to think that someone had absolutely no hope at all, no happiness, no dreams for the future.

The halls were pretty quiet that day.  Everyone kep
t their voices low, stared at their feet, hugged their friends.  I saw a lot of tears that day too.  Not just girls, but plenty of guys too.  When I got to Mrs. Fender’s class, Randy was very subdued.  I could tell he had cried a little himself.  I just put my hand on Randy’s shoulder as I went to my desk.  He looked up at me, and I knew his heart was breaking.  I think we were all thinking the same thing.

Scott’s best friend Kevin was in our class.  He was a mess
sitting with his trench coat on, going between sobs and anger.  Kevin was the last person Scott spoke to before he shot himself.  I think Kevin was tossed with guilt that he didn’t even know that Scott was thinking about suicide.  They talked on the phone the night before.  Scott didn’t say a thing.  Acted pretty much the same as he always did, Kevin told the class.  And five minutes after they got off the phone, Scott shot himself in the head.  No cry for help, no obvious signs of depression, no note.  He just did it.  He had his reasons, I suppose.  But it was extremely frustrating to think that maybe if I had said something more, if I had been nicer to him, if, if, if... Was there anything anyone could have done to change things?  And the answer was no.  He didn’t want help.  He didn’t ask for help.  He simply wanted to die.

*****

The news hit him like a million bricks.  “WHAT?  How?  When?”

“He killed himself Jack.” 
Grace, a girl he had dated a couple of times, cried harder.

Jack couldn’t help it.  He pulled her in for a hug, tears pooling in his eyes as well.  “No.  It can’t be.  I just saw him ye
sterday. What happened?”

Grace told him the story.  Jack’s head was spinning.  His emotions were overflowing. 
How dare he do this?
  He thought. 
Didn’t he know people cared about him?  Why didn’t he ask for help?  Damn him!

*****

Of course the teachers didn’t really have classes the rest of the day.  It would have been impossible to do much of anything but to discuss how everyone was feeling about the whole situation.  Whether you knew Scott or not, it was life changing.  My last memory of him was waving and saying “Hi!” in the hall just a couple of days before.  At least my last memory of him was of him smiling, but the last image in my mind would always be the boy who couldn’t take it anymore and put a gun in his mouth.  Counselors were brought in for those who took it the hardest.

The worst part about the way people reacted was that some people started threatening to kill themselves too.  Was it because Scott, the guy who blended in, who wasn’t popular, who was just a guy in the hall got so much attention?  Even a guy Reneigh was d
ating threatened it.  Did he really know how much his death would impact so many people?  Probably not.  He just wanted out. 

T
here were also the other people who had been contemplating killing themselves, but really just needed help to find hope again.  Since there wasn’t anyone who actually died by their own hands (attempted maybe, but not succeeded), I can only guess that somehow, some way, Scott showed them there was hope around the corner.

One of the bad parts of all of this sounds selfish on my part, but I was so torn! 
Scott’s wake was on my sixteenth birthday, and I had a party planned at my house on the same night.  Obviously I wanted to postpone it.  Who could think about having a fun party on the night everyone would go to say goodbye to a fellow student and friend?  But the overwhelming response to my postponing the party from my friends, was, “No, have the party.  We will need to have something to cheer us up.”

*****

Jack was one of the pallbearers at Scott’s funeral.  He never thought that the day after he turned sixteen years old, he would be carrying the casket holding a good friend.  People asked him if he was planning to go to Suzy’s party.

“I can’t,” he said.  “I need to be alone.”

Jack wanted to go, but not under these circumstances.  He couldn’t think about Suzy now.  He couldn’t think about anything because he was thinking about everything.  It was just too much.  Jack knew that he had his moments of being moody and even melancholy.  But never had he thought that killing himself was the answer.  And he couldn’t grasp that he knew someone so well and didn’t know him at all it seemed.  The whole thing was tragic.

*****

So I had the party.  Some people came before the wake but most people came after the wake was over.  I wouldn’t say it was the most fun I’d had at a party, but after people started talking about it and getting out the grief, they started telling funny stories.  We played music, we laughed and we all ended up having a good time.  There weren’t a ton of people there, but it was enough for us all to feel like we belonged together. 

“Sweet Sixteen, and still a VIRGIN” was what the cake said.  Yes my mom had a sense of humor.  That cake was one I will never forget!  My friends cracked up.  My mom cut out the word virgin and announced that she was going to wrap it and put it in the freezer.  And once I lost my virginity, I would have to eat my words.  With the guy.  Oh. My. God.  That woman was
insane!  It was, however, a much needed laugh and boosted the party spirit.  That night was also the night that Megan from biology class came over with her Bon Jovi collection.  “Slippery When Wet” was getting very popular.  Randy came over too.  We had the chance to talk more than ever.  It was a night I will never forget.  Saying goodbye to someone, creating new friendships and making friends out of old acquaintances.  And of course turning sixteen! 

I had to miss going to the wake because I was setting everything up for the party, but I went to Scott's grave at the cemetery
a couple of days later.  I told him that I was sorry that I couldn’t have done anything to help him.  I told him that I would never understand why, but I hoped that he found some sort of peace for his inner turmoil.  And I thanked him for the one selfish thing I had, he had changed my life forever, in so many ways.  I had hope, no matter how crappy life got.  I made new friends because some people needed a place to go after the wake.  And most of all, I took a good long look at the people in my life, embraced the ones I loved the most, and decided to waste less time worrying about the ones that don’t matter. 

“
Thank you Scott, for helping me see what was really important in life.  May you rest in peace.”

A couple of good things came out of Scott’s untimely death.  Randy and I became better friends.  We talked more often and saw each other at Monopoly’s almost every week.  Well, I had seen him here and there, usually spoke to him, but never hung out with him.  Now, I spent a little time every weekend dancing with him.  He came with friends most of the time, so I danced with them all.  I admit, it was fun having new people to hang out with.  It helped me forget the misery of wanting Pete to notice me when he just didn’t seem to rea
lize I was a possible and willing love interest, not just a friend.  One night he even came up to me and asked who I had been dancing with.  I introduced them all.  After that, Pete went over to Joel and they actually acted hurt.  Maybe it was my imagination, but I noticed that they both watched me a lot more.

Over the next couple of months, Reneigh and I
didn’t hang out as often.  She got more involved with beauty pageants and had less time for me.  I personally thought pageants were materialistic, so I didn’t really want to be in them.  I tried a couple of times, but I just didn’t get into the whole idea of being skinny and beautiful, watching that you didn’t break your nails and fretting about mascara all the time.  Besides, she had a boyfriend and her whole life was revolving around him or her pageant stuff.  At least that’s the way I saw it.  We were still friends, but there was definitely a strangeness about it now.  We were no longer connected at the hips anymore.  It made me sad, but I was making new friends.

One night Jack was
at Monopoly’s, hanging out with Randy.  It was strange seeing him there.  There are some people you just have a hard time picturing anywhere other than school.  He was one of them.  I still got that little tingly feeling around him, and seeing him made me happy inside.  I was getting over the whole Pete thing and feeling a little bit better about myself.  I figured a couple of years wasted pining after a guy who didn’t want me was long enough.  Letting that go opened me up to more people to dance with.  Instead of being disappointed each week, I was actually having fun again.

Randy was a blast.
  Although we were two completely different people, we fit together well as friends.  His crush seemed to have dwindled down to being happy we were friends.  His other friends were Max, Josh, Ron and Jack. 

Jack.  He was fun to hang out with too.  He was so cute!  And he smelled heavenly.  All this time, I had noticed him, watched him, felt that crazy feeling in my stomach, but never took the time to really appreciate him.  Now that I was getting to know him better, I was getting a bit of a crush on him.  I had let my feelings for Pete put a halt to everything else I felt, that I hadn’t really noticed that I really did like Jack, a lot.  And he seemed to like me too.

*****

He didn’t know why he would let Randy convince him to go to Monopoly’s.  It wasn’t exactly his kind of scene.  But honestly, there wasn’t much else to do in Hammond, unless you drove around on the streets and parked in Kmart parking lot.  It was no wonder the kids who did that ended up drinking and smoking and finding ways to get into trouble.  That wasn’t Jack’s scene either.  But Randy swore up and down that Mono
poly’s played SOME rock and roll, not just dance music.  And, there were plenty of girls there who were single.  Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad, he thought to himself.

Since Scott died, Jack had been rethinking a lot of things about his life.  He liked the quiet part of him who was thoughtful and creative.  Most people didn’t see that side of him often.  But he also discovered that he liked being social.  Football, school events, and he was going to try out Monopoly’s.  What better
way to meet girls?  It certainly wasn’t driving around town with a bunch of drunken jocks.

Yes, the thought of meeting girls was
a little exciting.  Maybe he could find someone who would be around longer than a date or two.  And when Randy casually mentioned that Suzy was there pretty much every weekend, well, he decided it was time to go and see what all the fuss was about.

He wasn’t prepared for what he saw when he got there the first time.  It was dark with lots of colored lights
flashing, the walls were black with property signs painted on big pieces of plywood, the sunken dance floor was painted like the game board and the DJ booth was up a flight of stairs and looked like a jail with bars and everything.  It was packed with people laughing and dancing, but also with the hopeful wallflowers waiting to be asked to dance.  In the dark corners and under the “jail” people found places to make out.  Some people just hung out around the rail that surrounded the dance floor.  Everywhere people had sodas or water, making messes that left the floor slightly sticky.  Occasionally he caught a whiff of cigarette smoke, even though smoking wasn’t allowed in the building.  People came in and out of the building, probably to go to their car to smoke or sneak a drink of alcohol, or to make out a little more privately.   All of this was pretty much as he figured it would be.

And then he saw her.  He couldn’t help but stare.  He didn’t like making a fool of himself by dancing.  He also didn’t want to be obvious that he was staring.  But he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.  She was having so much fun.  It was like a breath of fresh air to watch her laugh and dance without any i
nhibitions.  At school she was smart, almost a little mysterious, and very intimidating.  But here?  She had a glow about her that pulled him in.

Randy was out dancing and tried to convince Jack to come out and join them, but he just wasn’t ready to take that step.  So he propped himself up on the railing near where Randy and the rest of the group danced.  He said hi to the people he knew.  He held a Coke in his hand and sipped while he watched people milling around.  And he lost sight of her.  He took a moment to look around to see if he could spot her, but she was n
owhere to be seen. 
Probably in the No Man’s Land called the bathroom
, he thought.  He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around.  She was standing right next to him.