Between the Lives (10 page)

I
changed into the nightshirt my
parents had packed, grateful I didn’t have to get back into a hospital gown, and lay in bed.
Eventually a nurse walked through the hall calling ‘lights out’. Soon after the main
lights switched off and the small fluorescent bulb in the ceiling flickered on. I almost laughed.
Could I seriously not be trusted to have complete darkness?

I sobered when I realised that, on this occasion, they were actually right.

As soon as the noises of the clinic settled down and I was confident I’d be able to hear
approaching footsteps, I slid out of bed. I figured it was about 8 p.m. Too early to do anything
with the Digoxin yet, but judging from the handover last night, Ethan would arrive soon and I
didn’t know how much of an opportunity I would get to organise things once he did. I had to
have everything ready to go.

First, I opened my bottle of water, fumbling with my
infuriating cast, and
gulped down half its contents. Then I pulled off my butterfly necklace and tried to keep my hands
steady as I unscrewed it and carefully emptied the powder into the bottle, swirling it to dissolve
all of the tiny granules.

It wasn’t perfect. The drug was not designed to dissolve and even after I replaced the lid
and gave it a good shake there was still a layer of tiny white grains that settled to the bottom.
But it would have to do. I got under the covers and tucked the bottle out of sight.

When I picked up the marker my hands were trembling again.

What was I thinking? Was I really going to do this?

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair as the enormity of what was about to happen
washed over me. This was crazy. But like it or not, it was my only shot. The best thing I could do
for myself now was ensure I was as ready as possible. I gripped the marker and wrote one word on the
strip of white cast that covered the heel of my palm.

I was putting the marker back on the nightstand when I heard footsteps. I deliberated drinking
some of the mixture, but if my calculations were right, it was still too early. I’d have to
find a chance later on. I rearranged my blankets, making sure the bottle was still well hidden, and
prayed room searches were over for the night.

I could tell the minute Ethan walked in that something about him was different. Calmer. He was in
jeans and a loose
black shirt, his dark hair still a mess, but there was a
change in the way he held himself. The tension in his shoulders and the lines around his eyes were
gone.

‘Do you mind if I come in?’ he asked, in a way that suggested it was actually a
question rather than a token gesture.

‘Does it matter?’

‘I’d prefer we started on the right foot tonight,’ he said and seemed to mean
it. But I was stuck in attitude mode and couldn’t muster a reply. He clearly took my silence
for agreement because after a moment he walked into the room and sat down on the armchair.

‘How are your wounds? Your wrist? Are you in any pain?’

I swallowed, unsure why his husky tone affected me. ‘No,’ I managed.

‘Would you like me to re-dress them for you?’ ‘I get a choice this time?’
I blurted.

He gave a small smile. ‘Yes.’

‘No, then.’

He nodded and ran a hand through his wayward hair.

The silence stretched and I found it hard to look in his direction. I didn’t want those
eyes staring into me, trying to search out my secrets. I kept thinking about the moment I’d
Shifted back into my drugged body. How just before the drugs had claimed my consciousness I’d
felt something,
someone,
squeezing my hand. Had I imagined it?

‘Thanks,’ I said, my voice breaking on the word.

He seemed taken aback. ‘For what?’

‘For taking away the restraints last night.’

‘Oh. How did that go for you? Midnight, I mean,’ he said, inching towards me on his
chair.

I couldn’t help it, I laughed. I hated being played. ‘I know they told you, Ethan. I
heard you all in here this morning.’

He shrugged. ‘I wondered if you were awake.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Whatever. Look, you clearly don’t like me and I don’t
particularly have generous thoughts towards you.’

He grinned at that, which only irritated me more.

‘Let’s just bottom line it and save ourselves all the drama. There’s nothing
you can do or say that’s going to “fix” me,’ I added the finger quote marks
for emphasis, ‘and I have nothing to say to you that you’re going to be able to get your
head around. So why don’t you just fill in your charts, say whatever it is you need to say to
not get in trouble, and go back to your coffee lounge or wherever it is that you would rather
be.’

Ethan watched me, unperturbed. He paused as if contemplating everything I’d just said. I
braced for the comeback.

But he just stood up and said, ‘Okay, then,’ before heading straight out the door,
closing it behind him.

What?

I had so not been expecting that.

Suddenly I was alone again. I couldn’t understand why I felt so terrible. I did
not
care what Ethan thought of me, or about spending time with him. I definitely
didn’t need to have him know the truth about my life, lives, whatever. And yet … I
couldn’t stop watching the door, waiting to see if he would come back.

Every so often I heard him walking up and down the hall, opening and closing doors. Room checks.
After it had been quiet for a while, I gave up expecting a return visit. At what I thought must be
close to 11 p.m., I decided to drink the first half of my concoction.

I almost spat out the first mouthful. It was offensively bitter – the flavour inundating my
taste buds and making me gag. Somehow, I managed to keep that mouthful and subsequent ones down,
wishing the whole time I had something to chase it with to take the edge off.

After drinking half the mixture I waited a while to make sure it would stay down, then finished
off the rest and slipped the empty bottle under my pillow. Just as I righted myself in bed again,
Ethan reappeared.

‘Not tired?’ he asked, walking towards me.

‘Waiting,’ I said without thinking.

‘For what?’

I shrugged. ‘A better life.’

He threw me an odd look.

‘So what’s your deal anyway? I never see you in a uniform. Are
you really a nurse, or are you a student?’

He must have seen it as an invitation because he repositioned himself in the chair.
‘I’m a qualified nurse and med … I was a med student. Now I work nights
here.’

‘To pay the bills,’ I said, repeating what I’d heard him tell Mitch. He
didn’t miss it and smiled. I bit down on the return smile that threatened my lips.

I guessed he must have had some big bills to pay if he’d dropped out of med school.

‘Something like that.’ He shrugged. ‘Anyway, I like it. I’m a night
person. How about you?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Smooth.’

He laughed and the sound filled the room. An easy, liquid sound that moved its way right through
me. When he finished, he looked at me closely, tilting his head.

‘You said last night that you would tell me, if I truly wanted to know.’ He leaned
forward, elbows on his knees.

‘That was then. Things have changed.’

‘Ah.’

‘What does that mean?’ I replied sharply.

‘It sounds like you’ve given up on the world.’

I sat up a little, noticing that the lighting in the room seemed different. I crossed my arms.
‘Not on the world – on people. And I
get
that that makes me sound
insane, but you have no idea what my lives have been like.’

‘So tell me,’ he said, not missing a beat.

‘Why?’ I answered softly. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore.’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘Do you prefer your other life?’

I looked at him, trying to figure out his angle.

‘I guess things are pretty good there,’ he went on.

‘No. Actually things are hard there too.’

‘Do you have a sister there as well? What’s your sister’s name here?’

I narrowed my eyes. ‘Maddie,’ I said, unable to hold off the pang of guilt. She was
hands down the best thing about this life. ‘And no, I have two brothers. Ryan and
Lucas.’

He watched me, no doubt looking for tell-tale crazy signs.

I huffed. Something about this guy got under my skin. ‘Whatever,’ I said, knowing I
was on reckless ground. ‘All right, Ethan, get out your pen.’

He didn’t, but I kept talking anyway. I don’t know why, but once I opened my mouth I
couldn’t seem to stop. I told him how the Shift worked. What it was like to have to live every
day twice, but have no two days ever the same. To go through every year of school twice, get my
period for twice as long each month, know that in some ways I was almost as old as my parents. It
all just came out. When the verbal onslaught finished, and he’d had a few moments to get over
his shock, he leaned closer to me.

‘So no one can ever know for sure? They can’t see you
“Shift”, as you call it?’

I sighed. That was all that mattered – proof beyond all reasonable doubt. ‘You were
with me at midnight last night. What do you think?’

His eyes widened. ‘How do you know I was with you at midnight? You were sedated.’

I thought of the hand that had held onto mine, that had seemed to anchor me somehow. ‘I
… I don’t know. I just … I thought I felt someone holding my hand when I Shifted
back. My mind was awake for a few seconds before the drugs caught up with me. It’s hard to
explain. I still don’t even …’

He bit his lower lip. Once again, I found myself mesmerised by the action, staring at the
fullness of his mouth, the way his teeth let his lip slowly slide back into place.

‘So what did you do yesterday in your other world?’ he asked.

‘I went to lunch and a movie. I chatted to the French waiter – he liked talking with
someone who could speak French – then Dex drove me home. I had dinner with Mom and talked to
my friends on the phone. That’s pretty much it. Frankly it was just nice not being tied down
and knocked out.’

He let the dig slide. ‘You can speak French?’

‘Yeah. I learned in my other life. I speak it fluently there.’

He nodded slowly. ‘But not here.’

My eyebrows pulled together in frustration. ‘Of course I can speak it
here, but I don’t because I’ve never
learned
it in this life. It
would be kind of weird if I just started rambling in French one day.’

‘Right,’ he said, disbelief painted on his face.

I’d had just about enough. ‘My memory comes with me, Ethan.’ And for the first
time in my Roxbury life, I began to speak in another language. ‘
Si vous voulez
que je parle le français pour vous le prouver à vous, je peux parler toute la
journée. Et pendant que j’y suis, je n’ai aucune idée pourquoi je ne peux pas
cesser de regarder vos lèvres
!’ My comeback was delivered in perfect French. You
can’t fake that accent.

Ethan looked stunned. ‘What … What did you say?’

I shrugged. ‘Just that if you need me to speak in French to prove it to you, I can speak it
all day long.’ I didn’t add I might have also said I found it odd that I couldn’t
stop staring at his lips.

He did the head-tilt thing again, as if trying to work me out. I was suddenly self-conscious,
wondering if he knew I hadn’t translated everything.

As he paced around the room, I realised the waiter in
Le Bon Gout
had been
right. Once you learned a language, you really could take it anywhere.

‘So,’ he said, between paces, ‘if you can do that, can you get lottery numbers
from one world and bring them back in time to win in the other? Or … change a disaster,
prevent a
car crash or something?’ His tone was still dubious, as though
he was only humouring me, but I was sure I’d heard a hint of something more, a new interest
brewing.

I shook my head, noticing how much my vision was now playing tricks on me. I held out my hand
discreetly and saw the tremble. The Digoxin was working its way into my system.

‘Sabine?’ Ethan prompted.

‘Oh, no. It’s not like that. No get-rich-quick perks or superhero opportunities.
There are crossovers, but each world is different. The only things you can fully rely on to remain
consistent are language, math, materials, chemicals – stuff like that.’

‘Weather?’ he suggested.

‘Seasons, but not the daily forecast.’

‘Places, buildings?’

‘Are often similar, but slightly altered. Which makes sense to me, since I guess the people
who live or work in them would be different.’

Ethan looked at me strangely. ‘You’re slurring, Sabine.’

I tensed, but he was right. I was starting to lose my grip on things and I was feeling
increasingly nauseated. I closed my eyes and swallowed, willing my stomach to keep the medication
down. When I opened them, the light in the room had a yellowish tinge. I glanced up; there was a
halo surrounding the small ceiling light.

‘Sabine?’ Ethan pushed.

‘Must be tired,’ I said, carefully enunciating each word.

‘Should I go?’

‘Ah … maybe not.’

He nodded, looking both concerned and relieved.

I noticed each and every time his teeth went down on his lower lip and internally chastised
myself for wondering what those lips would feel like on my own.

‘Have you always hated it?’ he asked.

‘It’s never been easy. At first, when I was a kid, I didn’t realise it
didn’t happen to everyone. Then, when I started to understand, I just got … scared. I
thought I’d done something wrong and didn’t want to tell anyone. Eventually I learned
there was no way to control it, so I started to live with it. I learned to be the person I was
expected to be in each world and forget the one I was in the other.’

‘Sounds hard.’

I nodded. ‘I got used to it. Didn’t think there was any other way. Until
now.’