Breathe With Me (The Breathe Series Book 3) (19 page)

Breathe…

For years, I relied on Evan to be my reminder of those words. It became a system that only he and I understood. At first it was gradual, the outbursts and scares. It started with him barely touching me, helping me onto the dock when I was thirteen, but when his touch grazed my hips to push me up, I couldn’t hold on; the storm swept me away and I woke up to his face chanting the same words over and over again.

“Breathe, Piper…Breathe…Come on…Breathe with me. Take a breath.”

“Breathe with me…I breathe; you breathe…that’s it.”

Just like it has for years, those words echo in my mind; not in my voice but in his. It’s always been his voice that I have heard when the memories begin to pull me under. I pushed him away and have done my best to hate him for the past several years, but when he said he has always been here, he has no idea how true that is. He has always been here. I have never let him go. I’ve worked diligently to shove him from my heart and at moments, even the fact that I still needed him in a way, in any way after his deceit, I hated it.

My eyes squeeze shut tighter, the lids fusing together, but still not stopping the unending flow of tears. They soak my face with moisture, droplets collecting at my chin and jawline until two or three drips become too much and they plummet to my chest.

Dropping my head back to the headrest, it bounces subtly with a hushed thump. The spinning slows and I can finally hear the sound of my own heartbeat slowing; my breathing coming in deep exhales and inhales rather than short gasping spurts. Planting my entire hand along the back of the page, I look down, refusing to read any more. I’m not strong enough yet; I don’t know if I’ll ever be.

Should I rip it up; wad it up and throw it away?
I tighten my grip with my thumbs bent and pressing it forcefully against the edge of my palm. My eyes focus again, and although my mind is screaming,
don’t read it
, I stare hurtfully at the first sentence.

I’m begging you to read it all when you feel you can…

An overpowering breath moves over my lips and I stop myself, holding my hands steady and easing my grip. Gently folding one end over the next, I shove the paper back in the envelope and hold it tightly. As I fold the flap over, I struggle to release just a little bit of my animosity, fear of what the rest says and hurt over Mom’s part in this. So I pack it all away with the letter. I let all the emotion drain from me on a serene breath, like a reckless energy flowing from the dark parts of my heart, through my veins and out of my fingertips. Running my palm across the smooth flat surface, I press it closed so that the contents will never find me again.

After shoving it into my glove compartment, I sit there lost, not sure what to do. I’ve always felt when I am around people when my past secrets emerge, that it is written all over my face. I know it’s not, but I also know the shame and pain is laced in every word I say and if anyone looks at me for long, I’ll burst into tears, believing that they can see it.

My hands slide around the cool, curved steering wheel, clutching it for strength as Evan’s face fills my mind; standing in the doorway of his camper the night it happened. He made the difference.

Breathe, just breathe with me…you can do it. I breathe, you breathe.

His deep voice gives me reassurance as I picture him lying beside me the first night we ever even thought about taking our relationship to the next level. Resting on his side, he smoothed his hand over my cheek and calmed all my hesitation and fears in being touched. He made something I had come to see as dirty and indecent suddenly become beautiful and passionate. No one else has ever evoked that in me. With my eyes closed and my entire body melted against the seat, I allow his face and words to bring me back to reality. They lull me into contentment, yet with one desperate plea; I wish he was here. It’s not the first time this feeling has come over me. It overwhelms me nearly every time this happens, but I force it down; shove it so deep, then let the hatred over his deception completely drown me until that single emotion is only a memory.

My eyes bolt open and I stare across the lot to his camper, knowing this time he is just steps away. I watch, my insides leaping with a need that I’m not going to shut out this time. All day, our conversation has weighed on my mind, giving me a sense of excitement that I could someday have my friend back; that I could find it in me to forgive and forget, an act that has never been easy for me.

A warmth slowly and softly swells in my chest, making the edge of my lips tug.

I want to see him; I need him.

“I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS
SHIT,
” I mumble more to myself.

“What?” Jake snickers not too far away as I spread a sheet out on one of the spare fold out cots from the storage shed.

I shake my head, straightening the edges out and flattening the top so that it lays perfectly flat against the mattress. Shuffling sounds behind me and I look back. Jake plops down onto the hideaway bed stationed in the middle of the living room floor.

I laugh.
Of course he’s chipper, he didn’t have to take the bed right against the wall to Judd and Alyssa’s bedroom. I might as well resign myself to getting absolutely no sleep tonight.

“They don’t get that loud, do they?” he asks in a disturbed tone.

Huffing out another chuckle, I raise my brows and look at him in a manner that says, ‘Are you serious?!’

“Ahh…yeah. They aren’t quiet, that’s for sure.”

“We are not that loud, Evan.” Judd leans against the doorframe to the back bedroom with his arms across his chest and a smirk on his face.

I scowl at him, not even feeling it in the slightest, but I prefer him to think I’m dreading the noise so maybe he’ll show sympathy for my poor scarred-for-life ears. He knows I’d never begrudge him the happiness of an all-night booty call or a long life of playing under the sheets.

My mouth falls open as I shove my laughter down. “Yeah…you are. I guarantee the cabins across the lake have heard you sometime today.”

Ok, that’s a little far-fetched, but if anyone has ever had to sleep through the sounds that I have since he’s met Alyssa, they’d surely be begging him to invest in a muzzle or some sort of serious noise filtering device for the entire neighborhood. It’s funny how reserved, well-mannered and polite they both seem, almost like a parent’s idea of a perfectly raised child, but get them behind closed doors and that calm, pardon-me persona is out the flipping window, drowned out by wild-ass bedroom mayhem; I’ve heard it, not by choice, but I know.

I stare at Judd, masking my amusement with a shocked expression.

“Evan, you think it’s awesome when two squirrels start humping in the yard. We are not that noisy. We keep it down. Maybe you’re just on the other side, pressing your ear to the wall.”

Jake spits out a snort and I cock my head back, scrunching my face up like I just took a bite of something sour.

“That’s gross dude. So you think I want to subject my ears to your kinky bedroom talk?”

Judd’s face flames and he looks quickly at Jake. I can’t suppress my laughter anymore, dipping my chin and chuckling at his embarrassment.

“I don’t care. I brought ear phones.” Jake looks innocently down at his bag as Judd stares at him like he just got his pants pulled down in public.

“We are not that loud,” he goes on, and now I just think he’s trying to convince himself.

I can see the wheels turning; I actually have him questioning how loud he is every night. No wonder he got another place. The awareness of it is probably majorly screwing with his bed play. He probably cups his hand over her mouth while they are doing it, pleading with her to quiet down.
Geez, this is killing me.
Suppose I should break it to him that he really isn’t breaking any sound barriers.

Nahhh.

“Damn, I should have brought my earbuds,” I mumble to myself. Judd swings his eyes to me and shakes his head. “What? I didn’t think my heater would break the second day I was out here and I sure didn’t think I’d be shacking up with you and Blondie on your romantic Christmas get-away in the woods.” I roll my eyes with a smirk.

“Yeah…” Judd suddenly looks like he’s discovered some new information to defend his later headboard-thumping-earsplitting-moans-squeaking-mattress-springs activities. “Let’s forget that we were supposed to have this cabin to ourselves, but hey, I couldn’t leave your whiney-ass out in the cold camper.”

I crook a grin. I will not deny at all that I’m a whiney-ass when it comes to winter temperatures; I get a chill and I will be the first to moan and groan. All these dudes that choose to spend all day in a tree stand waiting for Prancer to dance into their sights, they can have it. I’ll huddle up in my apartment or in this case, Judd’s cabin, next to the fire in my sweatshirt and jeans. In my book, that’s smart. Give me a sunny day at the ball park with sweat dripping down my back from the stifling temps as I listen to the roar of the crowd and the crack of the bat sending the ball into a mob of frenzied baseball fans and I’m there. I’d prefer less clothes, with the boys hanging loose beneath my shorts, rather than layering an army pile of rags on to keep me warm.

“Ok, I’ll give you that,” I sigh and resign myself to poking fun at them once I hear it later; I’m sure I will. “I’ll keep my wise cracks to myself.”

Judd shifts his head back, squinting his eyes skeptically. I look down and continue making my bed for the night.

“For now…” I add quietly.

He laughs as the bathroom door opens.

“For now what?” Alyssa says, and I know I better keep it to myself.

Sweet as she may look, she will dish it right back; that’s what I love about her. I don’t think Judd could have gotten any luckier when he found this one.

I move my head side-to side slowly to dramatically mock Judd’s response.

“He’s giving me shit about the noise again,” Judd laughs.

From the corner of my eyes, I catch him pulling her closer. “I would say get a room, but…” I look through the doorway they are standing in.

“On that note, I think I will listen to some music.” Jake grabs his ear phones out of his bag, plugging them into his iPod.

“Chicken-shit. A true friend would suffer through this torture with me, you know?”

Jake looks right at me, huffing out a chuckle as he slides the ear phones on. “Good luck sleeping.”

I crack up, staring him down and trying my best to relay my thoughts,
you, lucky bastard, preparing for your stay.

“Whatever,” Judd pipes up. “Good night.”

“Night guys,” Alyssa says sweetly with a smile as she ducks under Judd’s arm that firmly holds up the frame to the bedroom as if it may come unhinged.

I wave her off with a genuine smile back, Jake does the same. Looking back at Judd, who now has a sneaky grin, I drop my smile.

“What?”

“Nothing…” he draws out, still looking deep in thought. I have no idea what he’s thinking. “I was just going to say good night.” He smiles, looking from me then to Jake, who throws his hand up, then back to me. “Good luck sleeping.” A lame-ass smile spreads over his face as he ducks into the room and shuts the door behind him.

“What an asshole,” I chuckle under my breath then look at Jake. “Can you believe that?”

Jake slides the black headband Princess-Leia-bun looking earphones off one ear. “What?”

I shake my head dismissing it with a chuckle as I bounce into bed, quickly realizing I forgot one vital component to sleeping in this stiff vinyl cot that Grandpa calls a bed.

“Man, I forgot my pillow.”

Jake shifts in his bed and looks back towards my lame excuse for a room shoved into the corner of the living room. I could do without sleeping on a stiff ass cot, but I have to take what I can get; I’m not sleeping in a thirty-degree camper or under the same roof as my brother.
No thank you.

“I think they had a couple on their bed. I’m sure they’ll give one up.” Jake points back towards Judd and Alyssa’s room while still looking down at his phone, flipping his finger along the screen like he’s scrolling through a social media page or website.