Broken (7 page)

             
He allows me to come down by kissing me and caressing my thighs. His hands are between my legs again and I’m hoping he won’t touch me again there because I feel so sensitive. Instead, I feel a finger slip inside of me using the slickness to move back and forth. It feels fine. I’m almost hopeful that sex feels somewhat the same way. Then, he slips a second finger into me. Again, it feels okay. I wouldn’t say I like it but it’s not a terrible feeling.

             
While moving his fingers inside me, he kisses my breasts sort of grunting as he works. That’s the part that is turning me on…his reaction to what he is doing to me. He abruptly removes his fingers from inside of me and gazes at me with glazed affection. “Lena, I need to get in you. If you aren’t sure, now is the time to tell me.”

             
This is it. Everything that I have been holding onto for so long is about to be given away. But, I know I’ve made the right decision. Levi is worth it. “I’m yours.”

             
He reaches above me and grabs a condom from the nightstand. I close my eyes with anticipation. First, I hear the tear of the wrapper. Then, I hear Levi fumbling to get the condom on quickly. He’s settled in between my legs. I don’t know whether to raise them or keep them where they are. So, I decide to just leave them be. Gently, Levi pushes them apart and I feel his penis nudge at my opening. The nudges continue until a small portion is in me. It’s uncomfortable but not painful.

             
More of Levi slips into me. The discomfort becomes more dominant. Although he’s only a quarter of the way in, I begin to feel a burning stretch. My eyes begin to tear. “Are you okay?”

             
I lie because I know he will stop if I say no. “Yeah.”

             
Levi pushes more and I can feel that he hit a barrier. From the look on his face, I know that he feels it too. “Lena, I’m going to have to push through this. Just breathe.” I give him the go ahead and wait to be broken.

             
Levi pushes and a searing pain shoots from below up to my stomach. I feel a wetness leak from me. Levi is fully in me now but doesn’t move. “I’m going to move now, Lena. I have to move.” I nod my head in agreement.

             
I know he has to move and I know in order for this to get better I have to struggle through this. He begins to thrust at a frequent pace. The feeling is not as painful as it was in the beginning. Levi is breathing heavy above me and I see him bite down on his lip. I like watching him react to what we are doing so I focus on that. Moving faster and faster, Levi gives two hard thrusts while groaning in to my neck, then stills.

             
Collapsing on top of me, Levi delivers sweet kisses all over my face and neck. I feel him pull himself from me. “Be honest. Are you really okay?”

             
Honestly, I feel strange. Of course, I’m sore. But, emotionally, I’m drained. I expected as much. I want to lie and tell Levi it was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. On the other hand, it wouldn’t be fair for me to do that. Truthfully, I have no regrets and Levi was the perfect person to take my virginity away, but it hurt like hell. “It hurt a little. I’m perfectly fine.”

             
“It gets better. I promise. I’m sorry I hurt you.” He looks a little sad.

             
I wrap my arms around him, bringing him as close as I can to me. “This whole experience has been perfect. I knew what to expect tonight. I’m really glad it was you and no one else.”

             
Smiling at my admission, he kisses my forehead. “I’m glad it was me too. Thank you for giving yourself to me.”

             
I’m not sure what to say, but, thankfully, Levi begins to clean up. He removes the condom and journeys to the bathroom. While he’s in there, I look around to see the damage. There’s a little blood on me and on the blanket beneath me. While he’s cleansing himself, I take the opportunity to do the same. Kaite made sure I brought wipes with me to clean up. I use the wipes and put Levi’s t-shirt on. I gather the blanket and fold it placing it with our bags.

             
Levi comes out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. I can’t help but think he’s the guy who took my virginity. I feel a little off and I want to hide it from him. From behind, he wraps his arms around me. “We have the room for the night. Will you stay with me?”

             
“Of course.” I’m a little nervous that he expects more from me. I’m fine with trying it again but I don’t know if I can take much more than what we have done already.

             
He plucks a grape from the table where he spread the food out and pops it in his mouth. “You hungry?”

             
I didn’t eat too much before I came here with Levi because of my nerves. The hunger is starting to catch up with me. Fruit, wine, and cheese won’t cut it. “Starving.”

             
As if he read my mind, he suggests ordering room service. Levi wants me to order anything that I want off of the menu. Again, I’m treated like a princess, and I love it. After we eat, we cozy up in bed and hold each other for what seems like and eternity.

             
My back is lying against Levi’s chest and he is caressing my arms. I almost doze off when I hear him. “I think I love you, Lena.”

             
My body is fully awake now. Thank god my back is to him because I don’t want him to see the tear that has slipped from my eye. It’s like a dream come true to hear the guy you have been crushing on, for what seems like a lifetime, say he loves you. I whisper back, “I think I do too.”

             
He flips me over so I am now on top of him, “I mean it. I can be me around you. It’s like it’s you and me against everyone. I don’t want to let this go.”

             
I’m face to face with him. “No one said you have to. We are going to different schools but our feelings won’t change. At least, mine won’t. You were my first. My one. My only. No one can take that from us.” I tilt my head in to him and kiss him with everything that I have. He groans in to my mouth and I know we are going to make love again. I will suffer through any pain for this boy.

***

             
Levi dropped me off in the early morning. It’s going to be a busy day and I need to get some sleep so I can decorate for prom later in the afternoon. My mom is nowhere to be found so I take my nap in peace. When I wake up, she is sitting on the edge of my bed. At first, she startles me but I realize she wants to talk.

             
I rub the sleep from my eyes. “What’s up, mom?”

             
Her eyes are gloomy but she fakes a smile. “Just want to see how you are feeling. I was a bit concerned when I found you sleeping. Are you feeling ill?”

             
Her sudden concern with my well-being is freaking me out. “I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

             
The fake smile reappears. “You spent the night with Levi, I suppose?”

             
No sense is lying to her, so I don’t. “Yes.”

             
She shakes her head with thought behind her eyes. “Lena, you have always been a smart, talented, young lady. I never, ever had to worry about you. You’re eighteen years old, so your decisions are yours to make. I’m here if you need to talk about anything. I want you to know that. Our relationship hasn’t been always been easy, I know. But, I’m still your mom. I love you.”

             
I can see it’s the truth. It’s almost like her motherly instincts are kicking in and she can tell that I’m not a virgin anymore. Part of me wants to deny her the right to know what is happening in my life. The other part of me wants to tell her everything. I settle on giving her a tidbit of information because I see that she needs to know that I’m okay. “Mom, I’m okay. Whatever happened between Levi and me was consensual. It was fine. I’m fine. Okay?”

             
Her eyes are filled with water but she doesn’t spill it. Instead, she wraps her arms around me like she did when I was little, rocking me back and forth. To my surprise, I don’t mind it. It’s comforting. “My lovely Lena. When did you grow up so quickly?” Still in her arms, I shrug. “I have something for you. I know that you took out loans for school. But, I have been saving this for you for a few years now. You can use it to help pay down the loans or any expense you have for school.”

             
She places a check in my hand for fifty thousand dollars. I’m not stupid. I know where this money came from. She has been doing it for me the entire time. I choke up, mostly out of anger at myself. My mother has been sacrificing herself all of these years to help me reach my goals. It’s all been for me. “Mom.” I allow the tears to fall.

             
My mother is doing everything she can to fight the tears that have spilled over her eyes and down her cheeks. “Lena, you deserve to live your dreams. You were my dream. I’m sorry the dream didn’t end the way I envisioned it. You deserve a mom and a dad living in a normal, family atmosphere. It’s my biggest regret not being able to give that to you.”

             
I give my mom a real hug and latch on to her like child. “I get it now. I’m so sorry you had to do this for me.”

             
“Don’t you dare think for one second I didn’t know what I was doing, Lena. I’ve made peace with my actions. It was worth every penny. My little girl is going to be a photographer. That’s all that matters now,” she scolds me.

             
“Thank you, mommy.” I cry.

***

I’m on such a high from the past 24 hours that setting up for prom doesn’t even bother me. My mom and I have hashed out our differences and I have become a woman. Levi’s woman. Life is beautiful.

             
Before heading home and crashing, I help Kaite get ready for the prom. Seeing her dressed in her gown and her date coming to pick her up makes me feel slightly jealous. I wish Levi and I could have gone to the prom together. I have a feeling I would have enjoyed myself with him. But, he’s with his parents tonight and I definitely could use some sleep.

             
When I get home, my mom cooks dinner and we have a normal, family night. It’s a great feeling. By nine o’clock I’m beat and just want to be in the comfort of my own bed. Once I lie down, I check my texts.

             
‘Can’t stop thinking of you. Luv, Levi’

             
‘Same here. Luv you too.’

             
‘Gotta get back to this dinner party. Talk to you tomorrow. Luv you.’

             
‘K. Getting some much needed sleep. Have fun at your dinner party
.
’

             
I shut my phone off in hopes of sleeping a solid twelve hours. Good thing I do because I sleep until one in the afternoon. When I try to turn my phone back on, it doesn’t turn on. I have forgotten to charge it the last two days. I put it on the charger and head out to the kitchen.

             
My mom is in the kitchen cooking up yet another feast. I can’t say I don’t like it. She’s an amazing cook and I enjoy having my mother back again. After we eat, she suggests that we go clothes shopping for school and get everything I need before I go away. It is a great idea and I can’t wait to spend time with her.

             
We are out all day, shopping until we drop. I got everything I could possibly need for my upcoming school year. Although I will be sad leaving Levi and Kaite, shopping with my mom made me realize that I am stoked to begin my journey past high school.

             
When we return, it’s close to eleven o’clock at night. I slump down on my bed, forgetting to turn my phone on. I must completely pass out because I don’t wake up until the next morning. I get ready for school, putting a little extra effort in to my appearance for Levi. I run to my car so I’m not late. As I adjust my mirrors, I turn my phone on. Kaite has texted me at least six times. Each text states that she wants me to call her right away. I curse myself for not turning my phone on.

             
I scan my phone again looking for any texts I might have missed from Levi. There was just one saying ‘Remember. I love you, no matter what.’  I think to myself, how lucky I am to have such a sweet, loving guy. I can’t wait to see him at school.

             
First period through second period drag on. At least, during third period I have Technology with Kaite. As I head in to the Tech room, I feel Kaite pull my arm from behind. “I need to talk to you. Why didn’t you answer your texts?”

             
“Sorry. I was with my mom all day yesterday and my phone was charging. What’s up?” Kaite looks pale and almost like she is going to be sick. “Kaite, what’s wrong? Something go wrong with your prom date?”

             
Kaite’s face falls and she is avoiding my eyes. “Did you sleep with him? Did you go through with it?”

             
I really don’t want to have this conversation in the middle of class but she seems really concerned. “Yeah.”

             
Her hands fly to her face covering her eyes. “Oh no.”

             
I’m scared. An uneasy feeling takes over me. “Kaite, what’s wrong? Just tell me.”

             
“He was there, Lena. He was at prom. He was with Amanda.”

             
She must be crazy. Levi was at a dinner party with his parents. There is no way that he was at prom. “He couldn’t have been there. He had plans with his parents. Besides, why would he go knowing that you were going to be there?”

             
“I confronted him, Lena. He begged me not to tell you. He wasn’t expecting you or me to be there.”

             
Tears form behind my eyes. “No. No. This can’t be happening.” I get up from my seat and run out of the classroom. Kaite follows behind me. I hear her yell to the teacher that I’m about to be sick, which isn’t far from the truth.

             
“Lena. Lena…wait,” Kaite is calling after me. “Where the hell are you going?”

             
I know exactly where I’m going. Levi is in Study Hall. “He’s in the cafeteria…in Study Hall. I want him to tell me.”

             
“It’s a bad idea. All of his friends are in there, Lena. Brad is in there. Don’t do this. Wait.”

             
“I don’t fucking care. He said he loves me. If he does, then his friends won’t matter.” I actually believe what I’m saying.

             
I see him from the moment I enter the cafeteria. He’s at his usual table with his friends. The two I’m most concerned about are Brad and Amanda. Amanda is just as bitchy as Brad. I can hardly wait to hear what she has to say when she realizes I’m Levi’s girlfriend.

             
Levi’s eyes are like a deer in headlights. Kaite doesn’t tail far behind me. I’m glad. I’m going to need her. I stomp up to the table and focus on him. “Tell me! Tell me that you didn’t take her to prom.” I point at Amanda.

             
He doesn’t answer. Instead, Amanda does all of the talking for him. “Umm, yeah. He took me to the prom, Lena. What the fuck do you care?”

             
“Yeah, whore. Who the hell are you questioning who Levi takes to the prom?” Brad chimes in.

             
“They don’t know…do they?” I ask Levi. He still doesn’t say a word.

             
“Know what? That you are a whore? We all know that Lena. Get the fuck out of here.” Brad shoos me away.

             
I begin to cry…mostly, because Levi’s silence is killing me. He gives me the same fucking, pathetic look when he pities me for how I grew up or how the kids treat me at school. “Was it nothing for you? I gave you everything, Levi. Was it fucking nothing?” Still...nothing but silence.  I feel Kaite trying to drag me away.

             
“What did she give you Levi?” Brad is intrigued. Then, I see it on his face. He gets it. He knows that Levi and I were intimate. Brad starts to laugh in a condescending way, “Oh…this is sweet. Levi, you tapped that, didn’t you?”

             
Amanda is now in shock, as are the rest of his crew. Levi begins to look around at each person’s reaction. Most of them have a look of disgust on their faces. “Levi, this isn’t true. You didn’t sleep with her, did you?”

             
“Yes, Amanda. He slept with me. Why the fuck else am I standing here?” My tongue lashes out at her.

             
Brad is laughing hysterically. Levi’s other friends begin to chime in making the usual, vile comments. How much did I charge? Do I give head? Do I spit? Do I swallow? I see Levi start to panic. This is going to be a choice that will make or break his friendships that he has had since he was a young boy.

             
Levi looks at me dead in the eye. His stare is neither cold nor warm. “I must have forgotten to pay you. Sorry about that,” he takes out his wallet and fishes through the bills. He throws a fifty-dollar bill down on the table.

             
My eyes drift to the money on the table. I’m not sure I’m seeing everything correctly because my eyes are blurry with tears. But, I get the drift when I hear his friends begin to hoot and holler. Each laugh feels like someone stabbing me in the chest and twisting it through my skin. The pain is unbearable.

I run from the cafeteria, not stopping until I reach my car. Kaite’s pounding footsteps are behind me, trying to catch up. I jump in to the car, trying to catch my breath. Kaite slides in to the passenger seat.
“Lena, baby, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

My blurry eyes gaze in her direction. Each breath is a sharp ache. My voice is quivering. “Okay? It’s okay? Kaite, he took my virginity and just threw a fucking fifty-dollar bill down on the table! My heart is ripping open. I feel like someone has kicked me in the gut over and over again, Kaite! It’s not okay…it’s not.” An uncontrollable wave of anguish takes over my body as I sob. Eventually, I find myself in Kaite’s arms allowing her to comfort me.

For what seems like an eternity, I lie in her arms, sometimes sobbing, sometimes catching my breath. Finally, I get myself together. “I want to go home, Kaite. I just want to go home.”

“Kay, Lena. Let me drive.” We switch seats and she begins the journey to my house.

I pray my mom is not working today. I don’t think I could handle much more.

***

              Kaite gets me to my room and I collapse on my bed still unable to control my tears. It’s not long before I hear my mom bust through my door. I guess my cries were pretty loud because my mom is in panic mode. “Lena? What’s wrong?” When I can’t answer, she turns to Kaite, “Will someone tell me what’s going on? Please.”

             
Kaite looks to me for approval. I shake my head giving her permission to let my mom know what is going on. “Levi lied to Lena about going to the prom. When she confronted him, he pretended like he forgot to pay Lena for…umm…services rendered.”

             
My mom begins to cry. I can tell the cries are for me. She takes Kaite’s hand, “Thank you, Kaite, for taking care of our Lena. Do you mind giving us some time?”

             
“I just texted my boyfriend. He’s coming to pick me up so I can get my car. I’ll wait outside,” I feel her rub my back. “If you need anything, Lena, call me.”

             
“Thanks, Kaite,” I sniffle.

             
Once Kaite is out of my room, my mom lies beside me. She wraps her arms around me and holds me while I let it all out. I cry for losing my virginity to a jerk. I cry for my mom selling herself so I can have a better life. I cry for my dad leaving us. I cry for all of the times kids called me names. Hell, I just…fucking cry until I fall asleep in my mom’s arms.

              It must be hours later because my room is dark. My bedroom door is open and I can see the light from the kitchen illuminating the hallway. Mom’s in the kitchen again making something. It smells comforting. I pull myself from my bed and feel my stomach grumbling.

             
I sit down at the kitchen table. There’s a glass of milk waiting for me. I sip it in silence waiting for my mom to say something. Instead, she places a bowl in front of me with homemade Mac and Cheese. I wait for her to sit and begin to eat. For quite some time, we eat without saying a word. I kind of like it. But, I know I can’t avoid the conversation that will happen.

             
I swallow the spoonful of noodles and take a gulp of my milk. “I’m sorry I let you down, mom. I should have waited.”

             
My mom drops her spoon in her bowl. “You’re the one thing in my life that has never let me down, Lena. I should apologize to you for all of the ugliness you have seen that past years.”

             
“Mom, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m not a bit scarred from what you have done. I know why you did it. Don’t apologize to me.” I confess.

             
Although she shakes her head in agreement, I see her fighting the demons in her head. She drops the subject and goes back to Levi. “You couldn’t have known that he would do something like this, Lena. Men do really stupid things when they are backed into a corner. Now that you have this experience, use your pain, your tears, your anger to fuel the fight in you.”

             
“Are you saying that I should go back to that school and endure the constant intimidation by his friends? Because…I can’t. It was bad before. It will be worse now.” In my heart, I know that my mistreatment will get worse if I go back. Brad will make sure of it. And, now that Amanda knows I had sex with Levi, you can bet that she will join right in.

             
“No. You only have a week or two remaining. I can call the doctor and give you a doctor’s note to skip the rest of your school year. What I am trying to say is that Levi had all of the control because of how you felt about him. Don’t ever give that control to anyone ever again. Understand?” My mom gives the best advice ever. No man will ever hurt me again because I hold all of the control. I will use them before they can use me.

             
“I understand. Completely.” I wipe my mouth and begin to help my mother clean up the dishes.

             
“Mom?”

             
“Yes?”

             
“I love you. Thank you for everything.” I kiss her on the cheek.