Broken (9 page)

“Shit,” I mutter to myself, noticing that a rogue droplet of spunk has dripped onto his sofa. Spitting onto my clean hand, I attempt to rub it off but only end up making it worse, so I hide the stain under a cushion instead and hope he doesn’t notice until after I’ve left.

“All yours if you want to get cleaned up,” James says as he re-enters the room. His voice is clipped and I can’t prevent my lips twisting into a frown.

“Thanks,” I say, my tone thick with awkwardness.

The twathole version of James Holden is back; the arrogant wanker side that makes me want to hate him. But I can’t, dammit. Again, I’m more annoyed at myself than I am at him. I was foolish to believe I’d made some kind of connection with him.

Picking my clothes up off the floor, I walk to the bathroom naked, silently cursing myself along the way.
Jesus
. His bathroom is big enough to be an apartment in its own right. A large oval bathtub with chrome feet, easily spacious enough for three people, sits proudly in the centre of the room. There’s a freestanding shower cubicle, mirrored cabinets, and one of those fancy toilets built into the wall.

I need a shower but I’m exhausted, confused, and I just want to go home, so I freshen up at the sink instead. I dress quickly after washing my hands and splashing my face, then, when I see my reflection in the mirror, I huff in frustration. I’m starting to get sick of my whining arse.
Talk to him, or don’t, but for fuck’s sake stop droning on about it.

When I step back into the main living space I spot James outside, smoking a cigarette on his balcony, looking out over River Irwell. For a few seconds, I watch him from afar, trying to decide if I should say goodbye or just leave straight away. I
want
to leave, but of course that isn’t what happens. Given that my body seems intent on disobeying my mind lately, I’m beginning to wonder if I should start telling myself I actually
like
him. Maybe
then
I’ll be able to walk away.

I step up behind him, my hands tucked into my pockets. “I should get going,” I say.

He doesn’t even have the decency to turn around. “Sure.”

“Will you be okay on your own?” I don’t know why I ask. I refuse to believe it’s because I care. “Your brother should be here any minute.”

“I’m a big boy. I’ll be just fine.”

I nod, even though he can’t see me as he puffs a plume of smoke into the black sky. “Okay. Guess I’ll see you at work then.”

“Yeah.”

I turn to leave, my heart heavy with rejection. I’m barely off the balcony when I hear him speak.

“Theodore.”

I spin around to the sound of his voice. He’s still standing with his back to me, but I stare at him anyway. “Yeah?”

“Thank you.” There was more sincerity in those two words than any he’s ever spoken before. His voice is raw, honest, filled with sadness.

What’s hurting you, James?
“No problem.” And then I leave, my thoughts and emotions in turmoil once again.

I don’t know what I feel for James Holden, or
why
I feel anything at all. But I
do
, and seemingly, I’m powerless to stop it, so maybe I should stop trying.

When I get home, Tess is waiting for me. I toss my keys onto the kitchen counter and sigh. “You waited up?” I haven’t checked the time in a while but I know morning can’t be far away.

“Of course I did. I’ve rang you, like, thirty times. Where’ve you been? Is he okay?”

Tess and Ed were with me in the village when I spotted James acting strangely. Ed thought it was hilarious, seeing our usually formal and uptight boss dancing on a podium, and Tess was altogether uninterested. She thought I should leave him to it. But I couldn’t. Something was wrong, though even now I can’t explain
what
.

I’ve gotten to know the firm, self-assured bastard everyone else sees, but I’ve also seen glimpses of the man behind the mask he wears; the man who likes to sing, poke fun at me, talk about random nonsense. The man who wears a smile so dazzling it lights up his entire face. That wasn’t the man on the podium. That was a whole new side of him I hadn’t seen before. He was more than drunk. He was almost…
high
.

It surprised me to see him acting that way but I wasn’t necessarily concerned. That only kicked in when I followed him outside. I went after him because, like always, I didn’t have a choice. I’ve been drawn to James since the first time I saw him, for reasons completely unbeknown to me. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand it and I’m getting tired of trying.

When he climbed up onto the wall it felt like my heart had leapt into my throat, choking me. It’s not a
huge
drop to the Rochdale canal, but in his reckless state he could’ve banged his head, been unable to swim or not known how to get out…all kinds of scenarios sped through my mind. People turned, some staring, some laughing. I didn’t know he’d completely lost his mind, all I knew is that he wasn’t listening to me and I needed to get him down. So, I grabbed him and pulled, bringing us both crashing to the ground.

Unlike James, I was sober and had enough rational thought to save myself with my hands during the fall. He, however, went limp, lifeless, letting his head take the brunt of the impact. He didn’t fall from a great height but, still, he’s lucky to have come through it with only a couple of stitches.

“He’s fine,” I say, shrugging out of my shirt. I’m dirty, but exhausted, and plan to strip to my boxers and crawl straight into bed. “Few stitches, that’s all.”

“What a moron. He must’ve taken some seriously dodgy shit,” Tess says, shaking her head.

“He said he didn’t.”

Clearly sceptical, she raises an eyebrow. “And you believe him?”

I can only shrug. I wasn’t with him when he spoke to the doctor and, naturally, they didn’t tell me anything because I’m not a relative. I’m not even a friend, really. I don’t know what I am to him. I like to think I’m more than an employee, but who the fuck knows.

“So you’ve been at the hospital all this time?”

I consider lying but realise there’s no point. Not to Tess. She knows me too well. “He was discharged a few hours ago. I went back to his place. Wanted to make sure he got home okay.”

Her eyes narrow and, slowly, she tilts her head, studying my expression. “You’ve shagged him again, haven’t you?”

I open my mouth to protest, but what’s the fucking point? “Yeah.” I sigh, dropping my head and staring at my foot as it draws invisible circles on the floor.

“Bloody hell, Theo,” she grumbles. “Even if he wasn’t your boss, you don’t need to be getting involved with some kind of crack-head.”

“He’s not a crack-head. Christ, Tess.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot you were his best friend.”

“Don’t be like that.”

“What do you expect? You don’t know anything about him, you’ve been walking around like someone killed your puppy since you met him, and yet you can’t seem to stop yourself dropping your kecks every time he looks at you!”

“It’s only happened twice,” I counter, as if that makes it all better.

“Yeah, and look what happened after the first time. You’ve been a whiney bitch ever since.”

I want to argue but I can’t, because she’s right. “I didn’t know him then.”

“You
still
don’t.”

“I do. Kind of. He’s not a bad guy. Pretentious and arrogant, yes, but he’s…I don’t know,
more
.”

“More?”

“He thanked me.”

Tess scrunches her nose. “For having sex with him?”

“No! For…” I realise I don’t actually know. “For helping him out, I guess.”

“I’m sorry,” Tess says, her tone softer as she rubs my arm. “I’m being a twat. Just…be careful, okay? I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Right now, the only thing I’m feeling is tired.” I start walking towards the bedroom. “You coming?”

“Only if I can sleep on the left. You’ve got a loose spring on the right. I swear, it nearly took out one of my ovaries last week.”

Dramatic, much?
“Whatever. I could sleep on a washing line right now.”

No more than five seconds later, I’m in bed. Another five seconds, and I’ve fallen into a coma.

**********

When I reach the office on Monday morning I walk over to Ed who’s chatting to Stacey, and Katie from design.

“Told you he was a weirdo,” Katie says.

Ed greets me with a nod before getting back to the conversation. “He was making a right tit of himself. Bet he doesn’t show today. Probably too embarrassed.”

“And, he was going to
jump
?” Stacey cuts in.

They’re gossiping like high-schoolers and I feel utterly disgusted by it. Tugging on Ed’s arm, I ask if I can have a word. Nodding, he follows me to my workstation.

“Mate, what the hell are you doing?” I ask, my tone baffled.

“How’d you mean?”

“Telling people about Saturday. This isn’t Jeremy fucking Kyle. He doesn’t need it publicising for your entertainment.”

“Oh, come on. You have to admit it was funny seeing that he’s not as smart and cocky as he makes out.”

Funny?
“No, actually, I fail to see anything
funny
about it. He could’ve really hurt himself.”
Or worse.

“Chill out, Theo. He was pissed, that’s all. Just a regular nobhead who’d had too much to drink like the rest of us. He treats people like crap all the damn time. Thinks he’s better than us. Won’t kill him to get a taste of his own medicine for once.”

I wave his stupid reasoning off with my hand. “Well, keep me out of it,” I say. “I’ve no desire to get my kicks at the expense of someone else.”

“Jesus, didn’t realise you were his best bud.”

“I’m not.”

A sardonic grin tugs on one side of Ed’s mouth and he glares at me, staring straight into my eyes. “You’ve fucked him haven’t you?”

“No!” I deny it because the way he’s smiling at me, amused, makes me feel embarrassed. Maybe even a little ashamed.

“It’s written all over your face. Makes sense now, why you’re sticking up for him.”

“That’s not why. Maybe I just don’t get off on laughing at other people’s misfortunes.”

“Well trust me, just because he’s fucked you doesn’t mean he deserves your loyalty,” he says, ignoring me. It pisses me off. “He won’t return the favour.”

“Oh yeah?” My tone is sarcastic. “And you say that from experience?”

I’ve suspected Ed is one of James’ many conquests for a while but he’s never confirmed it.

He simply shrugs, and I decide it’s the closest to a
yes
I’m going to get. “He’ll have forgotten about you already. He uses people. Only cares about himself.”

I disagree but don’t argue. I’m sick of discussing it. “By the way,” I say. “Tess said you owe her a tenner.”

“It was
five!
”

“Yeah, you’ll soon learn not to borrow from Tess. She charges interest.”

“Interest would be twenty pence,” he grumbles. “That’s extortion! I’m skint enough as it is.”

Smirking, I shrug my shoulders.

“I’ll nip to the hole in the wall at lunch.”

I’m relieved when he walks away. He’s annoyed me but I’m forced to wonder if I really would feel the same if his gossip centred around anyone else, or if it’s because of my skewed, possibly imaginary, connection to James.

It’s an unusually warm day for April and so I wriggle out of my suit jacket and drape it over the back of my chair. When I look back up, Stacey is by my side.

“If you’ve come to gossip I’m not interested,” I snap.

Her eyes widen in response to my harsh tone. “Actually, I just came to say it’s time for the weekly briefing in Mike’s office.”

“Oh,” I mutter, feeling like a dick.

“But…I know we haven’t known each other that long, but if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here.”

Huh?
My eyebrows draw together in confusion.

She must notice. “I don’t know what happened on Saturday, but from the look on your face, I think there’s more to it than Ed’s version of events.”

“Not really,” I say, because it’s true. James
was
drunk, and he most certainly made an arse out of himself. There may well be more to it, I suspect as much, but I don’t know for sure and probably never will. “Guess I just don’t find it as amusing as he does.”

“For the record, nor do I. I might’ve listened, but it won’t go any further. Not from
my
mouth, anyway.”

Offering a weak smile, I stand from my chair. I appreciate her words, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The last thing I need is people wondering why it bothers me so much. It’s stressful enough trying to figure that out for myself.