By My Side (16 page)

             
A scream of agony from the TV signaling the end of the movie made me jump like crazy. My breathing was shallow. Andy didn't laugh at me this time; he just stood up and shut off the television. Gabe and I stood up, too. I fidgeted with my hair.

              “Thanks, Andy. See you tomorrow?” I wasn't sure if he wanted to see me. I knew he saw the strange moment with Gabe and it hurt him. It hurt me, too.

             
“Eleven at McCullough's Lake?” he answered back, a sad look on his smooth face.

             
“Deal.” I smiled back painfully. I left the bedroom, Gabe following. Andy slammed the door behind us. He was mad, and I felt bad not loving him back. He's a perfect boy, but I was too messed up to want him as a boyfriend.

             
“Lily,” Gabe called to me in a murmur that stopped me in my track. My breathing was fast, like after a run.

             
“No, Gabe. Please, don’t say anything.” My voice was broken. I won't cry in front of him. I just needed a minute to go away and in my car I could do whatever I wanted.

              I headed downstairs and found Granny waiting for me at the door. She must have seen something on my face because she opened her arms. I ran into her embrace and let the tears fall from my eyes, quietly.

              “Is it the boys, or something else?” she asked me softly after she kissed my forehead.

             
“Everything.”

             
“Do you want to talk about it?”

             
She wasn't pushing me and it made me want to tell her, but I couldn't. She was an adult, and she would tell a social worker. Maybe it would be the right thing to do, but I couldn't picture myself in a foreign house with people I didn't even know. I had just one more year.
Just one year
, I reminded myself.

             
“I can't.”

              “Of course you can. You know I'm here for you.”

             
“I know, but all I can tell you is that your grandchildren are really complicated people.” She laughed a little, but worry lines were accentuating her wrinkles.

             
“It's love. Andy loves you very much, but with a teenager heart; while Gabe loves you crazily with an adult heart. I saw you and Gabe, and passion was everywhere between you two.” I stepped back and sighed. It was true, but Gabe didn't love me. He was just attracted to me for a twisted reason.

             
“No. Gabe was lost and was only physically attracted to me. Never mind, since it's over now.” I wanted to leave and be alone. I needed some time after these two hours so close to him.

             
“It's not over. You two seem to have a lot on your mind. For Gabe, I know, but not for you, and it's what was blocking your relationship. You would be great together, Lily. You were both happy.” Yeah, we were. It's in the past.

              “I need to go home, but thanks, Granny.”

             
“Just one more thing before you leave,” she said, opening the door for me. “You're both stubborn, and you both never say sorry, so how did you become friends again?”

             
“We're not.”

             
I left the house, but I was sure I heard some steps upstairs. Gabe listened and heard me cry. Yeah, I was pathetic, and yeah I cried partly because of him. He's hurting me so much. Not like my mother, because she's got the crown, but much more than Andy when he didn't want to talk to me. It said too much about how I felt about him that it scared me to death.
Let's go home and clean the house
. Granny's right, I've got too many things on my mind.

Chapter Nine

            
 
Every day now there were bottles, empty of course, on the coffee table. Some alcohol had been spilled on it. It was disgusting, but I was the only one able to clean it up. In the kitchen, some ice cubes melted on the floor. I nearly slipped and fell. Fortunately, the fridge—my buddy—held me up. Yeah, now I personified every piece of furniture in the house. They're more polite than Ms. Adamson. Since she wanted her maiden name back, I called her Ms. Adamson.

             
I was still able to turn everything into a big joke, so I was quite fine, hopefully. I knew my tough personality would come in handy one day. I cleaned the house quickly and went to my studio. I was tired, but I wanted to draw something before going to bed. Since the fight with Gabe a week ago, I drew nothing about him. Nothing at all. I drew a vodka bottle, the movie theatre empty, my bedroom with spider webs everywhere, but never something directly about Gabe.

              I sighed, taking my pencil and a blank page. I closed my eyes a minute and frowned at the gloomy vision, a human heart with just one bloody tear. I sketched it quickly, not sure about anatomy details, but not paying much attention. In less than an hour, I was looking at my latest creation. Creepy, but very accurate, I couldn't lie to myself in the attic. It's my freedom area. I scribbled the date and placed it in the cupboard. Now I was ready to sleep, or try to. That’s just what I did, I tried and I failed.

             
It was two a.m., and I was still wide-awake. I left my bed and turned on my CD player, with the latest T
hirty Seconds to Mars' album still in it. I really loved this band, and I was planning to go and see them in New York when, and if, I studied there. Dreams, oh sweet dreams, I still had some.

             
My phone made a little beep sound, a text message. There was only one person that texted me at this hour. Like every time since our quarrel, I broke into two parts. I wanted to know what he wanted, but at the same time, I didn't want to. I was suffering and I wasn't sure if I could take more of this crap, but I was curious. I even would be able to do something shameful in front of thousands of people if it could satisfy my curiosity. So, opening the little text message on my cell phone was nothing. Of course, the move was nothing at all, but consequences could be. I took it into my right hand and pressed the little white envelop on the screen.

              I didn't want you to cry. -G-

             
It was like an apology. I was baffled. How could he be so cute and horrible at the same time? I knew he was depressed from Connor's death, but he’s always so complicated. Even when we were kids, I never understood him.

              It's okay. -L-

              I sent him the message before I could change my mind. I was already beginning to regret it. My phone beeped again on my knee. I placed it there when I returned to my bed, looking at the blue light of my CD player.

              No, it's not. I should go back to New York. -G-

             
I felt dizzy. It was hot in my bedroom, I was sweating, but now I felt icy cold. My fingertips were numb, and my heartbeat was drumming in my ears. Go back to New York? Was it the reason for these text messages? He wanted a true closure?

              Summer isn't over yet. -L-

              I was a loser. Was it my way to keep someone in my life? Because it's pretty pathetic. I couldn't let him go like this. Okay, we're not together anymore, nor friends either, but maybe everything wasn't over. I wanted to see him for the rest of summer. Even from far away. I needed to see him.

              It was a mistake to come back. -G-

             
A mistake? Not for me, he helped me by keeping me alive and sane despite everything with my family.

              No, it wasn't. Stay. -L-

              Okay, I said it. Well, I wrote it, but it's the same. I felt hot again. Everything seemed darker and quieter. Even the music seemed to be coming from far away. Except my heart, which was hammering in my chest, slamming into my ribs.

              Why? -G-

              Because. Not enough I supposed. If only I really knew why I needed him so badly, if only I was rational. I knew I could live without him in my life, but I didn't want to experience it, not at all.

              Just stay. -L-

              Why would he listen to me? Okay, I was the first person, after his parents, with whom he talked about Connor's overdose, but was it enough?

              My car will be fixed tomorrow morning. -G-

              Damn it! He's so ... unnerving. What did he want me to say? I already knew the answer.  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a minute. It's now or never.

              I need you, ass. -L-

              Cute, wasn’t it? I couldn't say—or write—something like that without my trademark. Needless to say, I wasn't breathing until I heard the little beep of my phone. I focused on the little envelop on the screen and opened the message.

              Okay. Good night. -G-

              Okay? Just okay? He's really a perfect ass, even when he didn't suspect it. I smashed my phone down on the night table and screamed into my pillow. He's so ... Gabe.

              I woke up before my mother. I’m always hungry when I wake up, but not this morning. I was only craving a giant mug of coffee. I poured my mug and returned to my bedroom to drink it. I didn't want to see my mother. The idea of seeing her pale face and bloodshot eyes gave me a headache.

             
On my little desk, next to my computer, was a number I glared at every day. I knew it by heart. It was the number of the local social worker. I searched it four days ago on the Internet, but never found the guts to call. I knew at some point I'd have to do it, but I didn't want everybody to know about my messed up life, to discuss it behind my back.

              I finished my mug and lay down on my bed, ready to start reading
Much Ado About Nothing
again. What could be better than a book when everything was falling apart around you? Nothing, in my opinion. I lost myself in Shakespeare's words and chuckled often.

             
When I was reading I forgot everything else, even myself. My mind was only focusing on the story, living every sentence, every word. So, I was surprised to find out I had read for two hours when I closed the book to go and drink something. I didn't know why, but I felt something was wrong. Very wrong. My little smile disappeared.