Candi (7 page)

She trembled as my tongue to
uched her clit. She was wet and grinding on my mouth. I slid a finger inside her as I licked her clit and she started to cum. She moaned so loud that I thought my parents might hear her.              

I never thought that I would like being with a girl. But it was dif
ferent. She knew what felt good and what I wanted. I had no clue really what I was doing but she seemed to like it. It felt nice, kind, and gentle the way I thought sex would feel. Jess curled up next to me and we talked for hours. She’s been through a lot of shit in her life.

She
confided in me. “I was raped by my uncle when I was ten years old. Ten years old for Christ’s sake. Who does that to a little child?” She shrugged. “After that, I didn’t really care. I started having sex with guys when I was twelve. I just did it because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. It made guys happy and I wanted people to be happy.”

She smiled. “
Then I met Dylan. He was the first guy who actually cared about me. He talks to me and wants me to be happy.” Then she winked at me. “He really likes the sex too.”

Jess is really sweet. She
’s been through so much in her life. I’m glad that we’re friends.

Sept 17

It’s Friday and I talked Jess and Dylan into going to a movie tonight. My mom is so happy that I am hanging out again that she gave me a bunch of cash. She said to buy Dylan and Jess a pizza.

We smoked all the weed that Dylan had, and then went and saw a scary movie. It was awesome. We scrunched down in the seats and put our feet up and screamed like k
ids. It was a blast. Jess laughed so hard she almost peed her pants. I laughed so hard that I snorted. It felt great to laugh again. I felt like I was a kid again. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Just young and free with no worries.

After the movie
we scored some pillz from some guy that Dylan knew. We still had enough cash to get a pizza to take back to Dylan’s house. We cracked a couple of beers and scarfed down the pizza. We had the munchies in a bad way.

We made a plan to camp out at Dylan
’s. His mom was out of town on business and Bob went fishing for the weekend. I told mom I was staying at Jess’s house. Jess said that her mom didn’t care so she didn’t even call her.

We each took a couple of the
pillz and popped in a movie. Another scary one. We all curled up on the couch under a blanket and snuggled in. The movie was really good. The pillz were messing with our heads and everything looked like it was in 3D, but it wasn’t. I tried to go to the bathroom and everything kept moving on me. I tried to open the door handle and I had to reach for it three times before my hand found it. I think I peed on the floor a bit, but oops… I was having fun! I felt so weird. I put my hands up in front of my face and could make strange designs. Like my hands were in slow motion. It was soooo strange.

By the time I got back to the couch Jess and Dylan were passed out. They looked so cute all snuggled in together. I thought about scaring them, but that wouldn
’t be nice… so I just snuggled in with them. I tried to watch the rest of the movie but I eventually passed out.

The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing some dude standing in front of me. I tried to focus but I was still pretty wasted. I heard him say, “
I’ll take this one”. I looked over and Dylan was being held down by two guys who were punching him in the gut. Jess was still passed out. I tried to wake her up, but she just laid there. One guy said that he would take her cause she’s easy. The guy in front of me said, “I want this one. I want a fight.” Then he grabbed my hair and drug me down onto the floor.

I looked over and saw Bob standing there. He started kicking Dylan while he was on the ground. I told them to stop, but they all laughed. I pushed the guy who was holding me and said, “
STOP, you’re hurting him!” The guy grabbed me and shoved me on the ground and said, “That’s nothing compared to what I’m gonna do to you!” He smiled at me and started unzipping his pants.

He pulled out his dick and shoved my mouth onto it. It was so gross. Old and saggy. He shoved it in my mouth and down my throat until it got big and hard. It was really big. It gagged me it was so big. He didn
’t care, he just kept shoving it in my mouth until I puked. He didn’t even care. He just laughed at me and shoved it in again. I was eating my own vomit. I felt like I was in one of those horror movies we just watched. Like it wasn’t really happening to me. My mind just zoned out like I wasn’t there. He finally finished and I just laid there.

I looked over at Jess and she was on the floor next to me. Some guy was on top of her fucking her and she was still passed out. He had ripped all her clothes off and was fucking her hard. He looked over and saw me
watching and he smiled at me and said, “You’re next!”

I tried to get up and run. He grabbed me and sucker punched my face. I could taste blood in my mouth as he ripped off what was left of my shirt. He smiled and joked to Bob, “
This one might be too much of a struggle”. Then he pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed me to a chair.

He stretched out my body with my arms way above my head. I started to thrash around. There was no way I was letting this guy fuck me. I started yelling NO! and they all laugh
ed at me and mocked me. Then I yelled for Dylan to help us. I looked around trying to find Dylan. He was on the other side of the room. One guy was holding him down while another guy was fucking him in the ass. He kept his head down and never looked at me. I could hear him say, “I’m sorry.”

It was then that two of them descended on me. One started shoving his dick in my mouth and one started fucking me hard. I was so mad that I tried to bite it off, but it was shoved so far down my throat and I couldn
’t bite down on it. As hard as I tried I couldn’t. He had it shoved so far down my throat that I couldn’t breathe. I was choking. I remember gasping for air. I felt like I was dying. That was the last thing I remember. I must have blacked out.

I woke up to a g
uy pissing in my face and laughing. He uncuffed my hands and told me thanks. Then he shoved money in my mouth and he left. Jess was still passed out. Dylan was trying to wake her up. He looked over at me with tears streaming down his face and said, “What do we do?”

I got up to help him. We took her to the shower and all three sat under the cold water beating down on us. Dylan cradled her like a baby and cried, “
Please Jess come back to me. I love you so much.”

I started crying too. I thought that Jess mig
ht actually die. How could this be happening? I have never been so scared in my entire life.

Finally
, Jess started to wake up. She was still really out of it but she was awake. She didn’t know what had happened. Dylan looked at me and shook his head like we shouldn’t tell her.

We helped Jess out of the shower and got her a towel. I got one for me and Dylan too. When I handed the towel to Dylan he said thanks and asked me to hold Jess up for a minute. He wrapped a towel around him and when he did I could s
ee a lot of blood on his butt. That guy must have ripped him open. I asked him if he was okay and he said that he was fine. That we needed to focus on Jess. We helped her to the bed and she plopped down. She was in and out of it, but she was okay.

Dylan s
aid that they wouldn’t be back tonight, but just to be sure he locked his door. Dylan laid on one side of Jess and I laid on the other. She was really out of it. I tried to talk to Dylan but he said that he didn’t want to talk about it and to just let it go.

I woke up before Dylan and Jess. I found my clothes and tried to put them on. My shirt was ripped to shreds. I grabbed one of Dylan
’s shirts and walked home.

No one was up yet at my house, so I took a shower and went back to bed. I was sore, and sick,
and confused. I didn’t really know what all had happened but I knew that it was bad. I don’t know what to do. How can I tell my mom about this?

I feel like I am a piece of garbage. I feel sick, on the inside. I feel like I want to punch someone hard in th
e face. I want them to feel the same pain that I feel. Why did they do that to us? We were just having fun. We never hurt anyone. Why did they have to hurt us?

Chapter 5

~Pain is good~

Sept 18

It
’s Saturday. I just woke up and it’s almost 2pm. Mom said that my brother Jake is coming home tonight. I’m so excited to see him. I haven’t seen him in a couple of months. He is such a cool brother. Maybe he can get us some beer or something. I can’t wait to see him.

Jess just called me and
was joking about how sore she was. She actually said that Dylan must have rode her really hard last night. I didn’t say anything about it. Maybe it was better that she didn’t know what happened.

She asked me what was wrong and I told her I didn
’t feel good. I told her that Jake was coming home and I was gonna hang here tonight with the fam. She said she’d call me tomorrow and told me thanks for being such a good friend to her and Dylan.

I didn
’t have the heart to tell her anything. I couldn’t tell her about what happened last night. What happened to Dylan. What happened to us. I just felt sick. I was mad at Dylan but I couldn’t be mad at him really. It wasn’t his fault and he got it too. I just wanted to be mad at someone. I feel so dirty and gross and evil. I feel like I am rotten on the inside and the shell on the outside hasn’t started to rot yet, so no one can see it.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like hell. I hav
e huge circles under my eyes. I’m losing weight; must be from the pillz. I just want to sleep all the time. I always feel sooooo tired.

I took another shower to try to feel clean. It didn
’t work but while I was in there I cut myself shaving. It was an accident at first but then it felt really good. I have no way to release this anger inside me, so I cut myself. I cut my leg. It felt really good. I could feel the pain. I could see the pain on the outside and it felt like it was being released from inside my body.

Pain reminds us that we
’re human right? Sometimes I don’t want to be human. It really hurts.

Sept 19

Jake is here… my big bro. He looks awesome. He’s almost done with college and out on his own. I can’t wait to be where he is. I want out of here so bad. Out of this school, this town and this damn house. Free…

Jake and I wen
t to the store to get shit for dinner. He said that I looked different. I broke down and told him that I had sex. He is so cool to talk to. He’s such a good big brother and told me to be safe about it. He even bought me a pack of condoms at the store.

I h
adn’t used one yet and I was fine so I really didn’t see the big deal but I told him that I would use them. We talked about Ben and he said that if Ben was stupid enough to let me go then it was his loss and I should look for a new guy. But I really like Ben. He is sweet and so damn cute. I just want to be with him. Jake just doesn’t get it. He’s old school.

I tried to tell Jake that this is just a phase that Ben
was going through. And that I really believed that he would come back to me… eventually.

Hone
stly, I don’t know what I believe anymore. I try to tell myself all these things. But honestly, Ben will probably NEVER come back to me… and why should he. I’m used and abused. I’m nothing but trash now. Why would anyone want me? I don’t even want myself…

We had a nice dinner. The family
was all back together again. They chatted about college and politics and current events. I could care less. I just sat there and picked at my food. Mom thinks I’m getting sick. Maybe I am getting sick. I feel crappy. I’m going to bed.

Later…

Sept 20

I cut myself again before school today. I got up and everything just overwhelmed me. All the shit from the past few weeks and I couldn
’t handle it. It felt so good to bleed. To see it, to feel the pain. It was almost like a drug to me. It gave me this rush and I liked it. I made me feel better. It was the only thing that made me feel better, except for Jess’s happy pillz. Maybe she would have one for me this morning so that I could get through the boring ass day at school… blah, blah blah… that’s all I hear them say. Blah, blah, blah… PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!

Sept 22

Jess’s supply of pillz has dried up. We have no money to get more and I really really need some pillz. I just can’t handle these thoughts anymore. I can’t sleep at night without a pill. I wake up and feel their hands all over me and taste them in my mouth. I can’t handle it. I cut myself every day now. It’s all I have to release the pain I feel inside. I don’t know what else to do.

It
’s like all the pain and pressure builds up inside of me and when I cut it releases. I can breathe again. I can relax. But then it just builds up again, waiting to be let out. If I don’t let it out, I think I might explode or something.