Captured Innocence (CSA Case Files) (31 page)

“Connor,” Lauren returned the same sentiment.  She bit the inside of her lip to prevent herself from saying something that she couldn’t take back.  It worked and she continued on.  “I apologize for being here.  I don’t mean to interrupt your workday.  I’m not sure what Jax was thinking when he had Jessie call and leave me a message that Mr. Crest wanted to speak with me.”

“No one ever knows what Jax is thinking,” Connor replied, not taking a step back like she thought he would.  “But in this case, I’m glad he was able to get you here.  I flew back from Jersey this morning and was just stopping in here for a brief moment before coming to see you.  We need to talk.”

Lauren’s heart rate sped up,
along with anger that flowed through her bloodstream.  “Those two phone calls that you made since I was almost killed were quite enough, don’t you think?  There’s not much left to say, as far as I’m concerned.”

“Ah,
Red,” Connor said, a small smile forming over his perfectly formed lips.  Lauren swore she’d awakened several times over the last four weeks having those lips on hers.  “I love when you get all agitated.  Your green eyes just sparkle.”

“These green eyes are about to take in a beach view, so if you’ll excuse me,” Lauren said, trying to pass Connor.

He stepped in her way, placing his fingers lightly on her arm.  “Are you heading to Florida?  For a visit?”

“Does it matter?” Lauren shot back, not ready to give an inch.  He still hadn’t even remotely hinted as to why he felt the need to speak with her after all this time.  Whatever it was, she could guarantee it wasn’t the words she needed to hear.  “My flight is first thing in the morning and I have a lot of packing that I need to do.”

“You aren’t going to make this easy, are you?” Connor murmured. 

Lauren caught his eyes moving to where Jessie must still be standing.  His eyes widened slightly, but enough to cause her to look over her shoulder.  Taryn, along with two other men she hadn’t met, stood near Jessie’s desk with smiles on their faces.  Lauren felt her cheeks flush, never having liked being the center of attention.  She turned back around to see Connor have his hands on his hips and his blue eyes shooting daggers at the people behind her.

“We can go,” Lauren whispered, changing her mind and quickly motioned with her hands that they should leave.

“No, please,” one of the men said behind her.  “This is a moment in history we don’t want to miss.”

“Fucking sharks,” Connor murmured, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the door.  “Jessie, I’m still on leave.  I’ll be in touch in a few days.  As you can see, I have personal matters to attend to.”

Chapter Thirty-Four

Lauren didn’t say much to Connor on the drive to his house.  He was starting to think that
this wasn’t such a good idea. He probably should have waited to talk to her until tonight, when he’d gathered up enough courage. She stared out the Jeep’s window and he caught himself from saying something multiple times.  One, he wasn’t sure where to start; and two, he didn’t want to bare his soul inside a black vehicle.  His soul was already tainted enough.

Pulling alongside the curb, Connor shut off the engine and told himself
to be grateful that Lauren had even agreed to come home with him.  He’d kept the couple phone calls he’d made to her to a minimum, basically just making sure that she was okay after her ordeal.  It was his way of keeping his distance, although there wasn’t a second of the day that had passed that she wasn’t within his thoughts.

“Thank you for coming home with me,” Connor said, pulling the keys from the ignition.  He rubbed his chin, the leather catching on his five o’clock shadow
reminding him that he hadn’t shaved. He hadn’t expected to run into Lauren at the office.  He’d been going to head home afterward to get cleaned up before heading to her apartment.  “There are some things that I need to tell you.”

“
Connor, I’ll be honest,” Lauren said, finally turning her emerald eyes his way.  They were filled with the pain that he’d not wanted to see, for Connor knew that he was the one responsible.  But he was also the one that could make it right if she gave him that chance.  “I don’t think I can stay here anymore.  You might view what we had as casual and be able to walk away without a second thought, but it was so much more to me than that.”

“What do you mean,
here
?”

“I’m going to use this visit to my sister to look at places to live.”

“Please, let’s not discuss this in the Jeep,” Connor said, gritting his teeth to prevent himself from reaching out to her.  “Not here.  Not outside in the cold, which is where I feel I’ve been most of my life.  Walk inside my home with me and give me five minutes.  If you want to leave afterward, I’ll take you back to your apartment.”

Lauren nodded, albeit tentatively.  Connor didn’t waste time as he opened the door and made his way around her side. 
He wasn’t about to have her change her mind.  Opening the passenger’s side, he held out his hand and pleasure ran through him that she took it and climbed down from the runner.

They walked silently up the walk
, snow still evident, and he found himself wondering what she thought of the old Victorian house.  Three cement steps led up to the wraparound porch, and whereas his door was on the right, Jax’s was on the left.  It had three stories, although he and Jax used the third level for storage.  Finding the correct key with ease, Connor opened the screen door and unlocked the deadbolt.  He stepped back, making way for her to enter.

“Thank you,” Lauren murmured, stepping over the threshold. 

She turned and waited for him to close the door, but Connor could see she didn’t know quite what to do with herself.  He pulled his gloves off and placed them, along with his keys, on the side table.  Lauren slowly let her purse slide from her winter coat and set it alongside his items.  He would have liked nothing better than to be the one to pull her zipper down and not stop there, but Connor refrained and took a step back.

“Would you like some coffee?” Connor asked, hanging his coat on the rack situated on the opposite side of the door. 
The last thing he wanted to do was such a mundane task, but if it would make Lauren feel at ease, then that is what he would do.  “I don’t have much else available right now.”

“No, thank you.”

Lauren had unzipped her feather-down ski jacket, but had not removed it.  Connor clenched his fists and moved into the living room.  The dark hardwood floors complemented the white walls.  The couch, loveseat, and matching chair were situated in front of his flat-screen, but he chose to stand.  So did Lauren, who had now walked to the shelves on the far wall where he kept his personal photos.

“Your father?” Lauren asked, pointing to a photo that was taken on the day Connor went to boot camp.  His father was grinning like a crazy fool.  “He’s a very handsome man.”

“You’d like him,” Connor said, putting his hands in the front of his jeans pockets.  “He had a lot to say this past week.”

Lauren didn’t speak as she continued to look at the other pictures.
For someone who was so easy to read, he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. There were photos of him and Jax in faraway places, a few from when he’d served, and a couple from the past year when he would attend get-togethers at Crest’s house.  He waited, hoping that curiosity would win out and that she would turn around and ask him what his father had to say.  She didn’t.

“
He surprised me the other day,” Connor said, shifting back on the heels of his black boots, “when he introduced me to the woman in his life.”

“You sound surprised,” Lauren said, finally turning toward him.  Her hair was down around her face with the loose curls touching her cheeks.  Her green eyes held the questions he’d hoped she’d be interested in.  “Certainly he’s dated women on and off through the years.
  You said you were young when your mother left.”

“I
was.”  Connor was astounded at this sudden urge to tell her everything.  “I was six years old.  I remember the day like it was yesterday.”

“I’m sorry,” Lauren murmured, slipping her hands inside her coat pocket and taking a step toward him.  She was standing on the other side of the couch. 

“I was eating cereal in the kitchen and Dad came in.  He sat right beside me and didn’t mince words.  Just said that she had left.  It was the first time that I’d ever seen my father cry.”

Understanding and recognition for what he was telling her registered in
Lauren’s eyes.  Connor didn’t assume that a sob story would garner her forgiveness of how he’d handled things between them.  He knew he had his work cut out for him and would make sure that every day for the rest of her life Lauren was well aware of how he felt about her.  He was amazed at how easily the words were coming to him now.

“When I was twelve, I went in search of her.  See, she’d been raised by a single mother in
Hamilton Square and although she’d passed away from a drug overdose, I figured people in that area would remember the name.”

“
You mean she cut all ties with you?  You were six,” Lauren said, almost in protest.  “And how did you know —”

“Even at twelve, I was good at slipping in and out of places without people asking too many questions,” Connor said with a small smile.  If Lauren only knew half of what he’d done in his teenage years.  “I had gone to the bus station and memorized the routes.  I knew which ones would get me there and those that would see me back home.”

“Did you find her?  Was your mother back in that neighborhood?”

Connor shook his head, remembering the devastating conversation he’d had with an elderly woman who’d been sitting on her stoop.  “Apparently, this old lady who used to live next to
my mother’s family had heard rumors that Pamela Foust Ortega had run off to New York City to marry an older wealthy man.  There was no need for me to continue.  It was obvious she’d made her choice.”

“What about her side of the family?  Surely —”

“Her family abandoned her when she decided to take up with an immigrant.”  Connor started to slowly walk around the furniture, needing to be closer to her.  “Why should my mother have been any different?  To this day, I still don’t understand how she could have done that to a six year old boy or a man as good as my father.”

“I don’t know what to say, Connor.”  Lauren looked back at the photos.  “I’m truly sorry that you and your father had to go through that.  I can’t imagine…”

“My first serious girlfriend couldn’t handle me going into the Marines.  I didn’t know it at the time.  We’d been together all through our high school years and she never said a word to me.  After boot camp, I received a letter from her stating that she’d met another boy in college and that he was going to major in accounting.  She wanted that kind of life and not one where she had to worry if her boyfriend was going to be coming home in a body bag.”

Connor leaned up against the back of the couch.  He wanted…needed…to tell her everything.  It wasn’t for her sympathy, but it was for Lauren to grasp an understanding of his slanted views of what relationships were like.  He just hoped like hell that she would give him
a chance to prove his theory wrong.

“In my mid-twenties, I met a woman in Twenty-Nine Palms.  I had a month’s leave before Jax and myself headed out for a combat tour
with Third LAR.  We spent almost every day together and I was even thinking of taking her home to meet my father.”  Connor looked past her to see his dad’s smiling face.  “I found out that she was sleeping with a Master Sergeant who was up for promotion.”

“I’m seeing a pattern here and I’ve got to say,
” Lauren said, her green eyes starting to fire up again, “that I’m not liking the comparison you’re about to make.”

“A few months before I met you, I’d been seeing one of the submissives at the club.  Her name was Ashley.  I think I was going through a mid-life crisis, because suddenly I had this urge to just say fuck it.  I’m in my mid-thirties.  I want a son.  I want a daughter.  I want to love unconditionally the way my father does
me.”  Connor shrugged, knowing that he still wanted those things.  “She ran off with another guy who was filthy rich and could offer her the materialistic life she’d wanted.  Looking back, I see she did me a favor.”

Connor felt the tightness in his chest and heard the blood rushing through his ears.  This was it.  He needed Lauren to really understand what he was about to convey.  He had no doubt that her hands were fisted within those pockets of hers.  Her chin was angled, already having taken offense at the fact that he’d labeled her like those other women…like his mother.

“And then there was you.  This fiery redhead that offered me what I needed at the time.”  Connor fought the urge to straighten and close the distance between them.  This time, it was she who needed to come to him.  “A casual relationship with D/s qualities in the bedroom and a chance for me to leave you with something more than what we started with.  I would be able to walk away with no regrets.”

“And have you?” Lauren asked.  Her tone held no fear, but her green eyes radiated it.  Hope started to loosen the rigidity that had settled in his chest.  “No regrets, that is?”

Connor slowly shook his head.  “Not even close, Red. And I’m not even sure where to begin to make it up to you.  Or if you’ll even let me.”

“I’m not a person to play these types of games, Connor,” Lauren said, not moving toward or away from him.  His previous hope started to dissipate.  “Regrets or no regrets, you chose t
o end things between us.  What guarantee do I have that you won’t change your mind a month from now?”

“And what’s to say you won’t choose to leave me a month from now?” Connor replied, comparing her fear with his.
  They both needed to take a chance, but how could he prove it to her?  “I know that I’ve given you reason to distrust me.  I —”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Lauren said.
  She pulled her hands out of her pockets and he saw that they were still in tiny fists.  “For me to lay my fears into the palms of your hands shows how much faith and trust I have in you…in us.  I don’t know what all of this is about…you bringing me to your house and telling me that you’ve suddenly had a revelation that maybe I won’t leave you like they did.  Like your mother did.”

Lauren backed up a step and then looked toward the door.  Connor felt a
cold sweat break out over his body at the thought of her walking away.  The hell of it was, it wouldn’t be for the reasons he’d previously feared.  It would be because he’d fucked things up. 

“Lauren…”

* * * *

“What is it that you’re asking me, Connor?” Lauren asked.  She knew there was a slight desperation showing in her voice, but she couldn’t prevent that.  He brought her here and shared his past, but for what reason?  “Are you saying you want me back?  Are you saying you want to pick up where we left off?   You haven’t stood in front of me and said that you believe I’m different.  You haven’t said…”

Lauren shook her head as he straighten
ed from the back of the couch.  She didn’t want him touching her right now.  Those nights that she dealt with her nightmares alone, the ones where she was by herself in a dark place calling out his name in sheer terror only to have him not answer came rushing back.  She had no doubt resuming what they had would leave her lonelier than what she was now.  

“
You haven’t given me a reason to stay,” Lauren whispered honestly.  “I’m sorry, but I can’t fight your demons for you, Connor.”

Lauren released a shaky breath and forced her tears back, not wanting them to fall before she
was able to leave.  She’d had to tear those words from her lips, not wanting to say them but knowing it was for the best.  He’d given her a taste of what they could have and she wouldn’t settle for anything less.