Chasing Butterflies (21 page)

“It was a knife,” I say to distract myself from thinking about Gabriel in that way. I reach up and pull two cups from the cupboard and add some coffee. “Straight through his heart.”

He steps back and leans against the counter. “You stabbed him?”

I lift the kettle with shaking hands and pour some water into the mugs. Adding milk, I slowly stir it until it’s all mixed in. “Do you want sugar?”

“No thanks.” He leans around me and picks up his cup. I still can’t bring myself to look at him, so I carry on staring at the cupboards in front of me as I drink mine.

“You remember me telling you that they fought and then they went downstairs?”

“Yes,” he whispers. I hear him take a sip of his drink, and then I shut my eyes tight.

“They were still fighting when I got down there. I got hit in the face quite hard, and I remember feeling the blood trickle down my eye until I couldn’t see out of it. I remember feeling shocked at how the blood felt. I didn’t expect it to be so warm.” I shiver as I drag the memory back from deep where I’ve buried it. But blocking it out is exactly what my therapist said was to blame for my craziness. “There was more shouting and fighting. Things were breaking all around me. At one point I staggered back and knocked some things off the counter where they were waiting to be washed.”

I can see Gabriel’s shadow when I open my eyes. He still hasn’t moved, but I can see his arm moving as he drinks his coffee. I hope he’s sobering up. “I’m following,” he says as if to to urge me on.

“I was frantic.” A tear drops down my cheek. “I was screaming at them to stop. I was crying and shouting with all my might, but they weren’t stopping. I could tell that this fight was a bad one. They’d never fought like this before. Usually it was just a smack or a slap. This was more like wrestling.”

I quickly wipe my face with the back of my hand and sip some more coffee. Pushing my hair back, I finally turn around and my eyes find Gabriel’s. He looks tired and sad.

“Granny was suddenly on the floor,” I whisper. “Grandpa had his hands around her throat and her eyes were wide and scared. She was making a funny noise, scratching at him and poking him in his eyes, but he wasn’t budging. He held on tight and kept swearing at her, and I knew I had to do something. Granny reached out to me, but I knew I wasn’t strong enough to help her. Then I saw the knife that had fallen on the floor in front of me.”

Gabriel tips his mug back and finishes the rest of his coffee before putting it back onto the counter. He steps forward and cups my face in his big, warm hands, and I feel myself relax into him.

“I picked the knife up,” I say, trying not to look at him, “and I gave it to her. I put it in her hand, knowing she was going to use it to hurt him. I was six, but I knew what I was doing. I knew as soon as her fingers wrapped around the handle that she would stab him.”

His thumbs brush the tears from my cheeks, and then I feel his hands urging my face upward.

“I stood there,” I whisper through a sob as my blurry eyes find his face. “I just stood there and watched as she stuck the blade right into his heart, and I remember feeling relieved…even glad.” I sniff and try to pull away from him, but he doesn’t let me go. “See? I was evil even then.”

Gabriel

Yara is crying and shaking so violently that she staggers on her feet. I pull her close to me and stumble back, not having the most stable of footing. As I crash into the cupboards, the force of our combined weight makes my knees buckle and I slide toward the floor, pulling her down with me.

She curls into a little ball and cries while I hold her. Even after all this time, I know exactly how to hold her. She might have the body of a woman now and a face like a model, but deep down she’s still the same Yara. It still feels so right when I hold her like this that I can’t stop myself from wishing I could do it forever.

I clear my throat and place my hand on the back of her head. “It wasn’t you, you know.”

“I know,” she sniffs. “But if I hadn’t given Granny the knife, he’d still be alive.”

“No,” I say sternly. “You once told me that thinking about what might have happened is pointless and a waste of energy.”

“I did, huh?”

“Yes, and they were the wisest words anyone has ever said to me. I still think about you saying that even now. If it’s done, it’s done. There might have been several different outcomes that night. Joanna might have managed to grab the knife herself. Your grandfather might have found the knife and stabbed her, and then you’d have been stuck with him. Things happen. And once they happen, they’re done. You can’t undo them. You can only live with them and move on.”

“I know, but—”

“No buts,” I say interrupting her. “You gave her the knife, but it was her choice to stab him. Also, you were a
child
, Yara. She was the adult, and she knew what would happen once she pushed it into his chest. There’s a reason she went for his heart, and it wasn’t just to temporarily stop him from choking her.”

I feel her shaking in my arms again, so I pull her even closer and rest my chin on her head. I can feel a headache starting to form because I’m sobering up. Glancing at the clock, I realise I’ve been awake for more than twenty-four hours.

I sigh, knowing having all this bottled up inside her for all these years was definitely the reason she found herself needing help. And how could Joanna treat her the way she did when she wasn’t even at fault? “Your Granny shouldn’t have buried him in the garden. She should have called the police, and she certainly shouldn’t have blamed you for it afterwards. That was wrong, and that definitely wasn’t anything to do with you. She punished you for that your whole life and that’s so unfair. Cruel, really.”

“I think killing him made her mad,” she whispers.

“I think it did too.”

“And I think because she was mad, it made me mad too.”

“Yes,” I whisper, “it probably did.”

I let her cry some more without saying anything else. I know it was hard for her to relive that, but I still don’t understand why she left me. And I have a horrible feeling in my stomach that I won’t ever find out. Yara still has secrets. I don’t even know what she’s been doing for the last five years, but seeing where she works and how she lives makes me think I don’t want to know either.

When her tears finally subside and she stops shaking, I stand up, pulling her up with me and leading her into her living room. She stops me when I’m next to her sofa and blinks up at me. “Thank you,” she says.

I nod and then sit down, rubbing my tired eyes. “Didn’t you ever talk about this with someone when you were at the institute?”

“No,” she says, sitting on the other end of the sofa. “I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because then they’d know what I’d done, and I didn’t want to go to prison.”

“You didn’t do anything, Yara.”

“I have now though,” she breathes, “by not telling them about it.” Folding her hands in her lap, she twirls the diamond around her finger and looks out of the huge windows at the sky that’s starting to turn pink. “I could have told them years ago, but I didn’t. It’s withholding information, and I’m sure it’s a crime.”

“Is this why you’ve never come home?”

“No,” she says sadly. “I lived in that house for years knowing he was there.”

“Then why?”

“Because of you,” she whispers. “I can’t go home because of you.” I suck in a quick breath, feeling like I’ve been punched. “I’m surprised you’re still there,” she tells me
.

I stayed so I’d be there when you came home.
“I had to stay,” I say. “I couldn’t leave my mum all alone. Plus, I’ve got my own business and I get a lot of work around our area.”

“Your own business?” she asks, sounding interested. I look at her eyes as they dance over my face.

“Yeah. I’ve got my own landscaping business and I mix it up with my carpentry, so I end up crafting weird summer houses and tree houses and stuff like that. I only started it up a short while ago, but it’s doing well. I’m completely booked out for the first half of next year.”

“Wow.” She smiles, and I can tell she’s genuinely pleased for me. “That’s really great. How’s your mum doing?” she asks, sounding nervous.

“Okay,” I tell her. “She wasn’t always okay, but she’s getting there.”

She nods and I see her chin wobble, but then she turns her head away from me. I can tell she’s done telling me her story. Whatever reason she has for leaving me, she’s not going to confess to it. I can’t hang around here forever, waiting for her to decide she’s ready. “I’d better go,” I say when I notice the time. “I have to get back to the hotel and pack my things.”

“I’ll call you a taxi and walk down with you,” she says.

When Yara stands up and looks at me, I can tell she’s sad, but I don’t know why. She’s clearly moved on with her life.

She takes a deep breath and starts to walk past me, but I can’t just let this be how we say goodbye. I grab her arm, forcing her to spin around, and then I crush my lips to hers.

And it’s like I just got an electric shock to my heart.

“Oh god,” she groans when I push her lips open with my tongue. I want her so badly that I can’t stop my hands from wandering all over her body. When our tongues touch, it’s like someone has flipped a switch in us.

Yara’s hands are in my hair, and then they’re cupping my face and dancing down my back. I feel her tugging at my t-shirt, but I push her hands away and guide her back until we collide with the window behind her. She wraps her arms around my neck and lifts herself up into my arms, curling her legs around my back. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles in between kisses.

She tears her mouth away and starts to kiss all down my neck. I wrap my hand around her wrist, feeling the thump of her pulse on my palm. I slam her hands back against the glass above her head and dip my head, pressing my lips against the hollow of her neck. She tips her head back and groans.

I pin myself against her as I press the bulge in my trousers into her. I want her to know what she still does to me. I want her to know how fucking bad I still want her. Then I feel the diamond bite against my hand and I rear back, forcing her legs from around my waist so she drops back down in front of me.

“What?” she asks, panting. “What is it?”

“You’re better at that,” I tell her.

I see hurt flick across her face, but then her eyes narrow in confusion. “What just happened?”

“This,” I say, pulling her hand up and shoving it in front of her face. “
He
happened, Yara. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I shouldn’t have followed you back here. I have to go. I’m glad you’re doing better.” I know that sounded pretty lame, but I’m not exactly going to tell her that I’m over the fucking moon that’s she’s banging the shit out of someone every night and he must be thrilled with it because he’s asked her to marry him. No, I’m not going to say that.

Before she can say anything else, I spin around and walk out the door. I let it slam shut behind me and almost run down the five floors until I’m in the foyer.

Yara

Staring at the huge, Tiffany engagement ring that sparkles at me, I suddenly feel sick. And stupid. I can’t believe I let him see it.

I pull my clothes back into place and then take off after him. I can’t let Gabriel leave like this. Not when things finally felt like they were okay between us. Not when it finally felt like he could move on from me. From us.

I take the lift, thankful that it’s empty for a change, and jab the button for the ground floor. I look at myself in the mirror, noticing the blush that’s crept all over my chest, and then I see the ring twinkling at me so I shove my hand behind my back.

As soon as the door opens, I run through the foyer, completing ignoring the guy behind the desk. Standing on the pavement, I search for him until I spot him walking quickly in the opposite direction.

“Gabriel,” I call. I start to run after him, but then I see him putting his hand out as a taxi approaches him. “Stop!”

I run as fast as I can until I’m behind him. “Gabriel,” I breathe as he pulls the door open. “It’s not what you think,” I tell him, putting my hand on his arm.

His eyes move to the ring, and then he looks up at me. “It looks like an engagement ring to me.”

I nod. “Well, it is. It was,” I correct. “But it’s not anymore. Now it’s just something I wear to keep men from trying to pick me up when I’m at work.”

He frowns, looking completely confused. “So you’re not engaged to anyone?”

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I was, but that’s over. Finished.”

He flinches as if he still doesn’t like what I’ve said. “So what do you think is going to happen now?”

I blink, feeling shocked. I wasn’t expecting him to put me on the spot like that. “I thought that’s why you came here. Why you followed me.”

“I came for answers, Yara, which you still haven’t given me.”

“I have,” I protest.

“Why did you run on that particular morning?”

I rear back. “What?”

“Why didn’t you wait to say goodbye? Why did you get that guy to lie and take you away?” He leans down and holds two fingers up to the taxi driver.
Shit, two minutes isn’t enough
. “If you wanted to cool things off between us or go and get professional help, you could have just told me. I’d have let you go.”

I feel a lump in my throat and try to swallow to make it go away. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then tell me what it was like,” he demands. “You begged me to make love to you a few hours before you left.”

I can’t tell him. I won’t ever tell him.
“I know.”

“Did you know then that you were going to leave me?”

“No.”

“So, what? You woke up and just decided you were going to leave that day?”

“Yes,” I whisper, feeling the shame and guilt wash right through me.

“Why?” he breathes.

“I just did.” I look up, but when my eyes catch his, Gabriel turns his head and looks away from me.

“People don’t just do shit like that for no reason, Yara. They don’t just walk away from someone that they claim to love and disappear off the face of the earth for five years.” He looks down at the ground and shakes his head. “There must have been a reason.”

Oh god. This is it.
Tears spring at my eyes as I stare at him. He can’t even bring himself to look at me.

“Tell me,” he demands. Then he suddenly turns and grabs my elbow. “Tell me.”

“I can’t!” I shout as I struggle against his strength.

“So there
is
a reason? You just don’t want to tell me.”

“Yara? You okay?” I look up to find Heath inches away from Gabriel.

Gabriel releases me immediately as Heath sizes him up. “She’s fine,” Gabriel says.

Heath turns from him and looks at me. “Yara?”

I nod and try to smile at Heath. The last thing I want is for him to get caught in the middle of this.

“Is this the guy?” asks Gabriel, nodding toward Heath.

“No,” I say, shaking my head.

“What guy?” asks Heath.

“If you’re not the guy, then it’s none of your fucking business,” Gabriel says, giving me the death stare.

“I’m fine, Heath,” I say. “I’ll talk to you later. I promise.”

He hesitates, so I nod and smile at him again, hoping he’ll leave us alone.

“Okay,” Heath says. “If you’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” I tell him.

Gabriel and I watch as he walks away from us. Heath keeps looking back until he’s at our building and it makes me realise that Heath really is a nice guy. He cares for me and I need to make sure I explain myself to him later.

“Will you ever tell me?” Gabriel is more composed now, but he can’t mask the sadness. I wish he knew how sorry I was for making him feel like that.

“I can’t,” I tell him. “I’m sorry.”

He sighs, sounding defeated, and then pulls open the door to the taxi. “Goodbye, Yara.”

Tears threaten my eyes, but I blink them away. Crying won’t help. Crying won’t stop Gabriel from getting in that taxi and going back to Eleze. “Goodbye, Gabriel,” I whisper as my voice and heart completely break.