Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (17 page)

M
agdalena invited
us to the park today, and to say Grace was excited was an understatement. I think her favorite seasons are going to be Spring and Summer since she can go outside more often than not. It’s where she’d rather be. Instead of having them drive here as usual, I was going to them in Charlottesville. I couldn’t understand why they just couldn’t move out here since they were here more often than not, but it wasn’t my place to ask. The whole car ride Grace talked to her bear in the backseat instead of taking a nap like I hoped she would. Car rides usually put her asleep, but not this time. I made the mistake of telling her who we were going to see and the excitement kept her awake. She loved getting to see the three of them. Hopefully, she wasn’t a bear later since she didn’t get her nap.

We pulled up at the park and I shut off the engine. I walked around to the passenger side of the truck and opened Grace’s door to get her out of her car seat.

“Daddy, we go swide?” Grace asked as she lifted her arms for me to pick her up.

“In just a minute. I need to grab our stuff and then we’re going to walk over, not run, to where Magdalena, Andrew, and Liam are. Once we put the stuff down and say hello, then you can go slide. Deal?”

“Deal.”

I put her down and grabbed the chips and dip tray and her bag. She reached her tiny hand up and I held onto it as we walked to the side of the park where I’d spotted Magdalena when I first pulled in.

When we got closer, Grace dropped my hand and ran over to Magdalena, almost tackling her as she said hello. She asked Magdalena if she could go slide and seconds later Grace was running toward the slide.

I sat down on the blanket beside Magdalena and put down the items.

“Ever such the diva,” Magdalena said.

“Don’t you know it. You’ll never guess what happened.” I finally wanted to talk about Delaney, with someone, anyone. Except for my family. They wouldn’t understand.

“And what’s that?” she asked as she popped a grape into her mouth.

“I met someone and she’s amazing,” I admitted, seeing if she’d catch on and figure out who it could be.

“It’s about damn time. You know that even though we dreamed everything, I was still holding you to that promise, right?”

“Yeah you mention all the damn time. How was I going to forget?” I replied with a laugh as I rolled my eyes.

“You know they’ll end up sticking like that one day if you don’t watch it,” she joked.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aren’t you going to ask me any questions about her?”

“I don’t need to. I’ve already met her,” Magdalena said as she turned toward me and winked.

“You think you’ve met her?”

“I know I have. You left me all alone in your house just to see what she was doing there. It’s that someone isn’t it?”

“Hmmm… Maybe,” I said as I dipped my chip into the French Onion dip and took a bite.

“Maybe my ass,” she said as she punched me on the shoulder.

“I just don’t know how to feel about her. It’s complicated. I should just walk away. But I can’t. I made a promise.”

“That’s very vague. Care to elaborate?” she asked. I got a soda out of the cooler that she’d brought and opened it, taking a long swallow before I began.

“She was Trenton’s girlfriend. I promised him I’d take care of her, but when I’m around her, it feels right. Like she should be there. And that’s even crazier because up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t even met her. Since she’s been back, she comes over a few nights a week and we talk. And she’s great with Grace. I just feel guilty because I like her and she was his,” I admitted, taking a sip of soda, trying to figure out how I felt about everything I’d just put out into the universe, most of which I hadn’t even admitted to myself yet.

“You need to put the fact that she was Trenton’s out of your head. Yes, she was his and yes she loved him, but that’s not all she is. She’s Delaney and she seemed like a good person from what I saw of her. Just give it time. Take her out one night and see what happens. You’ll never know until you try and you should try,” she encouraged.

“But he just died two months ago. She hasn’t had enough time to grieve and she doesn’t need my baggage along with all of that. Being her friend is all I can do and that sucks.”

“Let her decide how long is long enough to grieve. Help her through the grief and grow your friendship from there, seeing where it leads. Leave the possibility open. Don’t automatically shut it just because you feel guilty. That’s not what your friend would want. Trenton wanted you to take care of her for a reason.”

“I’m pretty sure he didn’t want me to move in on his girl or that he knew he’d die so soon after he made me make that promise. I will try to take your advice, but I’m making no promises,” I said, hoping like hell she would let me leave it at that.

Shockingly enough, she did. We joined Andrew and the kids and had an amazing rest of the day. Not one word was spoken about Delaney, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t on my mind and our situation didn’t plague me as I watched the kids play and Andrew and Magdalena sneak kisses when they thought I wasn’t looking. The more I thought about it, the more Magdalena’s words made sense. I’d be her friend and see where that lead. There was no harm in leaving things open for more possibilities. If it led to more, then so be it. If not, I’d at least have one more amazing person in my life.

T
hroughout the week
, Delaney and I texted back and forth. She was busy at the hospital where she’d gotten the job a few weeks ago and hadn’t been able to stop by like she usually did. I finally grew the nerve to ask her to go to dinner and she said yes, only I didn’t know if she got the underlying meaning behind the question. I constantly thought about what Magdalena had suggested in the park. About how we could just see where it went. Only I didn’t know how to handle the feelings that still welled through my mind daily.

Guilt.

Conflict.

Rage.

Since she hadn’t stopped by this week, I found myself out in the garage after putting Grace to sleep nightly, needing to find some type of release to stop the rampant thoughts from continuing. Guilt ate away at me for the thoughts I had about Delaney. About seeing her as more than a friend. Which lead to the conflict about how often I should be spending time with her and what that time meant. The guilt and conflict didn’t outweigh the rage that lingered in the recesses of my mind. All-consuming anger that I felt for what my daughter lost. Only when she was around did the rage dissipate. Somehow her presence made it all disappear. Made all thoughts vanish and I could see clearly. Feel more clearly than I had since seeing Mackenzie at the courthouse.

Only the guilt and the conflict were greater than the rage today because today was the day that Delaney and I were meeting for dinner. I tried, but with no success, to ease the feelings looming inside of me.

Grace went to my parents’ house early this morning, and after I did some laundry and straightened the house I had nothing else to occupy my mind. So I just thought about how much this was a bad idea. About how getting closer to her would be a bad idea. But the thought of not being around her made me feel worse. Made me feel like I’d failed all of us for some reason. None of it made sense.

I showered and threw on a plaid button up, my jeans, and cowboy boots and was ready to go in a half hour. I grabbed my wallet, threw on my baseball cap, and picked up my keys before I walked out the door, locking it before I shut it behind me.

I rolled the windows down and played music louder than I intended on the drive over to the inn, in an attempt to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Instead, I focused on each country song coming out of the speakers.

Twenty minutes later I pulled up at the inn. Just as I was getting out of the truck, she walked out of her room, turning to lock the door. When she turned back around, I took her in. The sun dress was loose on her slender frame and her hair was pulled into a sloppy looking ponytail. From this distance, she didn’t look to be wearing makeup and I loved the natural look on her. She didn’t need to coat her face with all of that junk. No woman did in my opinion. I love the natural beauty of a woman. Not the fake appearance they felt they needed due to society’s opinion of what a woman should look like.

She walked over to the passenger side of the truck and hopped in before I could even clear my thoughts and acknowledge her. I turned around and got back into the truck, sticking the key in the ignition but not starting it.

Turning toward her, I said, “You look beautiful tonight.” Hoping like hell I didn’t sound like an idiot for complimenting on her appearance. Something I’d yet to do with her because I felt it wasn’t appropriate.

A shocked expression passed her features and a low gasp escaped her lips, but she recovered quickly and smiled, saying thank you so low I barely heard her.

“You ready to have some fun tonight?” I asked as I started the engine and backed out of the parking space.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” she replied, looking out of the window. I didn’t miss the frown that formed on her lips as she turned her head. I’d let her have the drive to mull over her feelings. But if we got to the restaurant and she still wasn’t feeling it, I’d ask her about it. She didn’t seem to want to talk about it and I didn’t know if my response to what she was apparently feeling would be something that she’d want to hear.

I decided before I’d asked her out that we’d drive into the city and get dinner. There’s only so many times I could eat at Vito’s in a month even though I loved their food.

Plus, there was an amazing Mexican food restaurant that I’d been craving all week.

Forty-five minutes later we arrived at the restaurant, and neither of us had spoken another word since leaving the inn. She hadn’t even noticed that we were stopped. She just continued to stare out of the window.

In an attempt not to scare her, I cleared my throat, with no such luck. I reached up my hand and lightly tapped her shoulder, finally gaining her attention, but causing her to jump slightly.

“I’m sorry. I was lost in thought. Are we here?” she asked as she looked around to gauge her surroundings.

“We are. I hope you like Mexican food. You ready to eat?”

“I love it. I sure am. Let’s go,” she replied, opening the door to the truck and hopping down. I loved how she didn’t care that my truck was higher than normal because of the lift kit and that she did bat an eye when she got into it.

I took the keys out of the ignition and got out of the truck, pushing the button on the key fob to lock the doors as we walked to the door of the restaurant.

She got to the door first even though I’d picked up my pace, opening it. She stopped and swayed slightly just as I walked up behind her.

“You alright?” I asked, holding the door with my left hand and grabbing her hip to steady her with my right.

“Yeah. I just got a little dizzy that’s all.” She turned her head and looked up at me. I looked into her eyes and noticed the tiredness looming in their depths. A smile formed on her lips for a brief moment, then she looked away and walked into the restaurant.

There was Latin music playing softly in the background. There were sombreros and other Latin memorabilia hanging on the walls. Each booth and table had red vases with illuminating lights, and there were chandeliers hanging strategically from the ceiling that provided a low ambiance of light.

We were seated quickly since there weren’t many people filling up the seats inside.

The waitress came over and I ordered a beer, asking her if she wanted one in return.

“Water for me thanks,” she said with a smile to the waitress. The waitress nodded her head and turned to leave, promising to be right out with our drinks.

She picked up the menu, holding it in front of her face and it took everything out of me to not pull it down. Only that would be rude and my mamma didn’t raise me to be that way.

“How has your week been?” I asked as I looked over the menu just to have something to do. I always ordered the same thing when I came here.

Slowly, she brought down the menu and looked up at me.

“Exhausting. Between the hour and a half round trip and getting used to the hours and the time change, my body doesn’t know which way is up. I get back to the inn at around seven every night, and I just collapse from exhaustion. Yours?” she said, looking back down at the menu.

“Just busy at the shop. Trying to get renovation plans in place at the one I plan to open by the end of the year so that when I sign the lease I can start immediately. I’m growing impatient, but I knew this would be a lengthy process. And Grace keeps me on my toes. She’s growing more defiant and voicing her opinion more and more, which is extremely fun to watch,” I replied, the latter part of my response in a sarcastic tone.

“Sounds like you’re just as busy as I am. I need to start looking for a place, but I can’t keep my eyes open long enough at night to eat, let alone get any searching done. I’m at an impasse it seems.”

The waitress then returned with our drinks and the chips and sauce; one of the main reasons I love this place is their chips and white queso sauce. I nodded my thanks.

“Are y’all ready to order?” she asked, looking back and forth between the two of us.

I looked up at Delaney and she nodded her head, handing the menu over to the waitress. Surprisingly, we both ordered the burrito supreme dinner with rice and beans, and I smiled at how similar our tastes were.

The waitress turned and left after she collected my menu, leaving us to continue our conversation.

“I’m sorry you don’t have the time to look for a place. I can help if you’d like. I know the area very well and the people here, too. I’d just need to know what you’re looking for and the budget,” I offered.

“That’s very kind of you. You always seem to be there when I need help the most, and I’m not sure that’s the best thing for me,” she said, taking a sip of her water and looking away from the table.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I’m used to being on my own. Until Trenton came along, I had no one and I was content with that. Hell, for most of our relationship he was overseas, again leaving me alone. But he swindled his way in against my better judgment. When he came home, there wasn’t a time we weren’t together. So much so that we moved into an apartment closer to his base when he came home. Luckily, I had an understanding landlord because we hadn’t been in our lease long. I found someone to take it over and didn’t have to pay the ridiculous amount to get out of the lease. But my point here is, when he died, I was left all alone again. He’d been in my life long enough that I started to depend on him, gotten used to him being there at every turn for the short time he was back. And now there’s you. Always there and willing to help me. Hell, you picked up a woman you barely knew, took her back to your house, and comforted her for days all because she was with your best friend. And when I came back you helped me through yet another nightmare. Now you’re offering to help me again. I can’t come to depend on yet another person for them to just leave me again. It was hard when my parents’ left, even harder when Trenton died. But with you. I know you’ll be my ruin if you up and leave when it becomes too much. I’m all over the place right now. Emotionally, physically, financially. It’s just too freaking much,” she rambled, and I let her. She needed to vent. Get it all out. Then, and only then would I try to put her fears to rest. Some of which were fears of my own.

“I just don’t know where to go from here. I moved out here on a whim because I needed to be close to his final resting place. But I don’t know where I’m at. You’re the only person I know here, aside from his parents and yours. And I feel like I’m burdening you with all of my problems, when you have problems of your own. And plans that I’m hindering because I’m always around,” she said, finally stopping her rant enough to catch her breath.

We both took sips from our drinks, me needing the beer to give me courage for what I was about to say, hoping that she wouldn’t run for the hills at my idea.

I reached across the table and grabbed her hand, resting it within my own and caressing the top with my thumb. Hoping to soothe her. Looking into her eyes, I took a deep breath and hoped like hell she’d listen to what I had to say and hear me.

“You’re not a burden. I wouldn’t have let you into mine and my daughter’s life if I felt that way. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I know that losing Trenton has been hard on you. I can still see the pain in your eyes as much as you have tried to mask it. Only you don’t have to do that. Not around me. Never around me. You need to remember that I lost him too. I know exactly what you’re going through. The amount of pain you’re feeling; I’m feeling it too. But we can help each other through it. Grow from the pain and move past it. Together. There’s nothing wrong with leaning on people. I told you I’d help you because I don’t mind doing it. He was more than my friend. He was another brother to me and you meant something to him, meaning I’ll be there for you as long as you allow me to. And it’s no burden at all. Now will you please stop worrying and just let me help you?” I never once let my gaze leave hers, my thumb never stopping the soft caress.

“I just don’t understand why. What’s in it for you to help me? I don’t take help very easily, especially from strangers.”

“Can you consider me a stranger, though? I’ve held you while you had a nightmare and you’ve stayed at mine and my parents’ places. We might not know each other very well, but we aren’t strangers. Not by a long shot. Speaking of your nightmares, have you had them as much?” I asked, hoping she’d say no. I don’t know if I could take not being able to help her through them.

“They haven’t gone away. If anything, they’ve gotten worse. Hence, part of the reason I’m so exhausted. I don’t wake up from them, but when I wake up in the morning, I could tell it had been a restless night from the way I feel and how the covers look. It’s hard, but I’ll get through it.” A look of sorrow crossed her features and I wished she would’ve just taken me up on my offer to stay at my place so I could help her through them. Stubborn ass woman.

Before I could speak my opinion on her comment, the waitress showed up with our food.

“Do y’all need anything else?” she asked with a smile after sitting the plates in front of each of us.

“Not at the moment. Thank you though,” Delaney replied as she unrolled her silverware.

The waitress turned and left, leaving us to finish our conversation and enjoy our meal.

Instead of continuing with the heaviness that this dinner started with, I asked her about work, something she seemed so passionate about. Just the mere mention of the topic, her eyes brightened and she sat up straighter.

We both talked about our passions and our dreams. I learned that she’d always wanted to be a nurse. When I asked her why not a doctor, she told me she just felt nursing was more intimate and that it was hard to find a nurse who showed enough compassion, at least in her experiences. And I admitted that even though being a mechanic wasn’t my number one dream, that it did, in fact, suit me and I loved the complexity of figuring out what was wrong with a vehicle and putting it back together again once it was fixed.

Time flew by as we went back and forth getting to know each other a little better. She went to excuse herself and slid out of the booth, only to fall back against the table once she stood.