Crazy About the Baumgartners (4 page)

It
wasn’t such a bad gig, really. At least until I found someone I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with. Until I wanted to start my own family, if I ever did.
There was a part of me that longed for it, that one special someone. I had it,
briefly, with Ronnie. I’d glimpsed what it could be like, when I looked at the
Baumgartners. I just wasn’t so sure it was something I was ever going to find.
My luck, so far, hadn’t been so great in that department.

I
heard the Baumgartners come upstairs and get ready for bed. I’d left my door
open a crack, just out of habit. I could hear them talking through the wall,
but it was just voices, no real intelligible words. It reminded me of how I
used to listen to my parents talking at night, the comforting sound of their
voices lulling me to sleep. It had been a long time since I’d had a family, a
real family. My parents had been gone for almost ten years. A car accident. My
father had been drunk, driving them home from a party, and had killed not only
himself and my mother, but another woman, and had paralyzed her six year old
daughter. And of course, left her motherless too.

I’d
spent the last two years of high school with my aunt, a very fundamentally
religious woman who had introduced me to plenty of families with kids who
needed caring for. That’s where’d I got all my babysitting experience, which
translated into great references for my resume once I started applying for
nanny jobs.

Which
had led me, step by step, right here. Somehow, this job being a full time nanny
for the Baumgartners seemed meant to be. I felt more comfortable here in the
Baumgartners’ guest bed than I’d felt in a long time. I listened to the ticking
of the big grandfather clock down in the foyer, the ambient hum of the house, a
place I spent so much time but had never called home before.

“Well,
I know, but… shhh, I’ll be back in a minute.” The door next to mine opened,
Mrs. B’s voice and a slant of light spilling out onto the opposite wall. I saw
her shadow pass, heading down the hall. Then I heard the bathroom door close. I
listened to the sound of laughter and Jon Stewart monologing on the television
in their room.

“Gretchen?”
Mrs. B whispered from my doorway. “Are you sleeping?”

I
kept my eyes closed, held still. Pretended to be sleeping.

“Hey,
babe, can you grab me a glass of water?” Doc called.

I
listened as Mrs. B went to the bathroom. I heard the sink running.

“So
when are Dani and her boys coming?” Doc asked as Mrs. B returned with his glass
of water.

“August.”
Mrs. B snorted. “Dani and
her boys
?”

“Well,
what do you want me to call them?” Doc asked. “Her husbands?”

“That
would be more accurate.”

“She
really sleeps with both of them?”

“Doc,
she slept with both of us.”

I
perked up, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling. Who was this Dani with two
husbands who had slept with the Baumgartners?

“I
remember,” Doc replied, sounding sly. “Think she’ll do it again?”

“I
don’t know.”

“Well
not sleeping with her husbands,” Doc insisted. “And neither are you.”

“But
you’re fine with another woman?” Mrs. B laughed.

“And
so are you,” he reminded her. I heard her giggle. “You miss it.”

“You
know me too well.” Mrs. B’s voice turned to honey.

“We
need to find another woman for you,” Doc murmured. His voice was softer now and
I hear Mrs. B’s low moan.

“That’s
like searching for a unicorn.” Mrs. B laughed. “Isn’t that what they say?”

“We
found Dani,” he said. “And we found Ronnie.”

“And
look what happened.” Mrs. B sounded sad. “Ronnie wouldn’t even return my
calls.”

So
they had tried to contact her. Ronnie never said. I had wondered, but she
didn’t talk to me about the Baumgartners, not anymore.

“But
Dani stayed in contact,” Doc countered.

“Yeah,
and she went a whole other direction.”

Doc
snorted. “I’ll say.”

“So
we have no real proof a woman exists who would be happy to be just our lover.”

“I’m
sure she exists,” Doc replied.

“Like
unicorns? Or dragons? Or narwals?”

“Carrie,
narwals are real.”

“Really?”

Doc
laughed. “Yes, really.”

“Besides,
we just got approved as a foster family,” Mrs. B reminded him. “Can you imagine
what they’d say if they knew we had a female lover?”

“Who
says we have to tell them?”

“Doc,
the kids…”

“We’re
discreet. We’ve kept it from them so far.”

It
was true, Henry and Janie had no idea their parents had slept with their former
babysitter. And whoever this Dani was, I was sure they had no idea their
parents had more than a friendship with her. Of course, they were young. Relatively
innocent still. Things would change over time. Then Mrs. B spoke and it was
like she had been reading my thoughts.

“Yes,
but Janie and Henry are getting older. They’re understanding more and more. And
kids always know more than you think they do.”

Doc
didn’t speak for a few minutes. I sat up in bed, listening, leaning in,
wondering what was happening. Had they gone to sleep? Then Doc spoke.

“There’s
really nothing wrong with it, you know.”

Mrs.
B hesitated, and then said, “I know.”

“Do
you?”

“Yes.
I mean, I know that in my heart.” She sighed. “But the rest of the world
doesn’t seem to share our views. And we live in the real world.”

“You
can’t change who you are,” Doc said softly. “I’d be an awfully selfish man if I
insisted you deny your love for women too.”

“What
if I wanted to love two men?” Mrs. B asked. “Like Dani?”

“Then
I guess we’d have to talk about that,” he replied readily enough. “I mean it,
Carrie. You can’t change who you are. You love who you love. Like I told
Gretchen tonight.”

“That
poor girl.” Mrs. B sighed again. “I feel awful for her. Ronnie just left?”

“She
said she found someone else, but she’s really just running away,” Doc told her.
“Like she ran away from us. But she’s like you, Carrie. She’ll realize it, some
day.”

“I’m
glad I have you,” Mrs. B was smiling. I could hear it in her voice. “I’m a very
lucky woman.”

“Yes,
you are.”

“Oh
shut up.” She laughed.

“Make
me.”

“Come
here and I will.”

“Mmm
I like the sound of that.”

Then
there weren’t any words for a while. At first I wished they’d shut the door
after all, but I couldn’t help listening. I heard her moans and his groans and
the wet sound of them kissing each other and the more I listened, the more
turned on I was. I was ashamed of my response, just like I had been when I was
listening to Ronnie and Vince, but I couldn’t help it. My pussy ached as I
listened to him licking hers.

“Oh
God, Doc…” Mrs. B moaned. “Did I ever tell you how good you are at that?”

“A
few times.” I could hear his grin. “But I never get tired of hearing it.”

“Ohhhh
God, yes. Lick it, baby.”

Oh
fuck. My pussy throbbed. I was sopping wet, listening to the sounds of them
having sex. I cupped my hand over my mound, through my panties, rubbing my
swollen vulva. Listening to them was so wrong. And it made me so hot.

“Here.
Lick my fingers,” Doc offered.

I
bit my lip to keep from moaning out loud, sliding my fingers under the elastic
leg of my panties and slipping my fingers through my wet slit.

“Don’t
you miss that taste?” Doc asked.

She
moaned. “Yes. God yes.”

I
lifted my fingers to my lips, rubbing my juices over them like gloss, tasting
myself. God, I loved the taste of pussy. And for some reason, it thrilled me to
know that Mrs. B did too. Ronnie said she’d learned to love the taste of a
woman from being with Mrs. B. She’d been a gentle instructor, leading her
easily down the path to corruption.

I’d
learned to keep those thoughts to myself, given how many people around me
disapproved of my feelings. If my aunt or my previous employer knew what I was
doing or even just thinking, half the time, I would have been out a lot sooner
than I was.

“You
know how much I love watching you lick a woman until she comes,” Doc growled.

Oh
my God, I was so wet. I whimpered, sliding my hand between my legs. I was
thinking about all the toys I had at home, but tonight all I had were my
fingers. I thought about Ronnie’s tongue on my clit as I rubbed my fingers
around and around. I thought about Doc’s face, buried between Mrs. B’s wide open
tanned thighs. I thought about burying my own face there, too, fighting him for
her wetness.

“I
love it when you make her all wet for me,” Doc said. “When you suck her pretty
little nipples and make them hard.”

Mine
were hard. Little pink points under my t-shirt. I rubbed them through it with
my other hand, doing circles with my palm. Ronnie knew how much I loved that.
She used to leave my bra on, teasing me for hours, teasing me through it, with
her tongue, sometimes just with a fingernail, driving me crazy.

“You
want her tongue here, baby? Right on your hard little clit?”

“Oh
fuck yes.” Mrs. B moaned loudly. “Right there, baby. Right. Fucking. There.”

Yes,
right there. Oh there.
I licked my lips, wishing it was my tongue on Mrs. B’s
clit. What did she taste like? Was she smooth, still? Ronnie told me that she
waxed everything down there. I shaved. Ronnie liked me soft and bare.

“You
want her to lick your asshole? Like this?”

Oh.
My. God.

“Oh
Doc!”

My
ass clenched at his words and a low cry escaped my lips. I couldn’t help it. My
fingers circled my clit faster, the skin around my nipples growing tighter,
pursing.

“I
want her to lick it,” Doc growled. “I want her to make it nice and wet so I can
fuck it.”

I
quivered in my bed, straining to hear them, wishing I could see. Oh my God, I
wanted to watch them. I wanted to see him part her thighs with those big hands
of his and spread her cheeks so his tongue could probe her asshole. Oh I missed
anal. Ronnie had tried it with the Baumgartners, she’d told me, but she wasn’t
that interested in it with me.

“You
want me to fuck your ass, baby?”

Mrs.
B just moaned with pleasure. She was lost, going, gone. I could tell she was
close to climax. I was too. I circled my clit faster, faster. Was he going to
fuck her ass? Did they do that a lot? The thought sent hot sparks between my
legs.

“Oh
Doc! Ohhh! Put your finger in my ass!” Mrs. B pleaded. “Yeahhhh! Finger my ass
while you lick me! Make me come like that!”

There
were no more words from Doc. He was clearly too busy for any more dirty talk.
There was only the exquisite sound of her orgasm, the rising moans and final
near-scream and then the soft pant of her breath in the aftermath. I stopped
rubbing my clit—I had to, or I was going to come, and I didn’t want to
yet. Not quite yet.

“Fuck,
baby, you come so good.” Doc sighed happily. I actually heard him smacking his
lips, still tasting her. My mouth was watering. “Mmmmm you’re delicious.”

“You
make me come so hard like that,” she gasped.

“Now
I’m gonna make you come with my cock buried in your cunt.”

I
trembled at his words. Oh what I wouldn’t give…

My
fingers slipped low, sliding into my wetness, shoving in deep. Yes, oh yes. I
wanted a cock too. I wanted to be fucked. Like Doc was about to fuck his wife.

“Remember
how much I loved watching you lick her while I fucked you?” Doc asked, giving a
low grunt. Mrs. B cried out and I imagined it, that first moment of entry. She
would be wet, very wet, from his mouth. He would slide right in. Was he on top?
Was he behind her? I imagined him taking her from behind, imagined her rounded
ass in the air, taking the heat of his cock.

And
I imagined her mouth between my legs. Licking my clit. Showing her with my
fingers.
Right here, right here.
Oh god, her tongue, the sweet press of
her tongue, the movement of her body while Doc fucked her from behind. And
looking up to meet his eyes, watching the pleasure on his face.

“Ohh
God, fuck me, Doc!” she moaned.

“Are
you picturing it?” he urged. “Her wet cunt spread open for you? Lick it for me,
baby. Make her come. Make her come all over your face!”

I
was picturing it. I was picturing it and coming. My whole body tensed,
shuddering, and then I heard Doc groan, long and loud, crying out with his own
release. We were both coming together. My pussy spasmed around my fingers, my
clit throbbing under my hand, and I heard her moaning too, crying out.

“Oh
fuck, I love your cock in me! Doc, I’m coming! Oh I’m coming for you!”

I
couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I laid and stared up at
the ceiling, panting hard, not quite believing what I’d just done. Had I really
just masturbated while listening to my employers having sex?

I
closed my eyes when I heard Mrs. B get up. She went to the bathroom and I
turned to my side, yanking the covers up my chin, hiding. She stopped at my
door, still cracked, and pulled it closed. I took a deep breath, my thighs
still trembling from my orgasm, my belly tight. Had she heard me? Did she
suspect?

I
told myself I wouldn’t do it again, even if I wanted to. I couldn’t afford to
lose this job. I’d have to try to be a lot more professional from now on.

“Just
one more S’more?” Janie begged, her mouth already rimmed with chocolate. 

“One
more.” I held up one finger, wagging it at her, but she was already loading her
stick with another marshmallow.

“You’re
gonna get fat.” Henry stuck out his tongue at his sister when she gave him the
finger.

“Don’t
let your parents catch you doing that, Janie,” I warned, glancing toward the
house at the sound of laughter. The Baumgartners and their guests were in the
house. “And Henry, your sister isn’t fat.”

“I
didn’t say she was fat,” Henry licked marshmallow off his fingers. “I said she
was going to
get
fat. Especially if she keeps eating S’mores like that.”

“I’m
not fat and I eat S’mores,” I said.

“Gretchen,
can I please go get my iPod?” Henry asked for the three millionth time.

I
rolled my eyes. “Henry, I told you, we can’t interrupt.”

“It
will only take me a second.”

“No.”

“It’s
in my room. I’ll run in and out, real quick.”

“Henry,
I said no.” I started packing up the marshmallows, chocolate and graham
crackers, putting them into their respective packages.

“Fine.”
He grabbed another marshmallow before I could close the bag. “But what if we
have to use the bathroom?”

“I
told you.” I put the food into the basket and closed it up. ”If you have to go,
I’ll take you in the back and you can use the one in the basement.”

“It’s
creepy down there.” Janie shivered, pulling the hood on her hoodie up.

I
rolled my eyes again. Was she kidding? The Baumgartners had a huge finished
basement with a giant TV, a fireplace, a pool table, several old stand up video
games and a full bathroom, including a shower.

“That’s
not creepy,” I countered. “You should have seen the basement in my grandma’s
house when I was little. It had dirt floors. And just one light bulb that hung
down from the ceiling in the middle of the basement.”

“That
is
creepy!” Janie gaped at me. Henry’s eyes were wide.

“And
the only bathroom in the whole house was
in the basement,”
I added.

“No
way!” Janie gasped.

“Will
you tell us ghost stories later?” Henry asked, always flirting with his
love-hate relationship with all things scary.

“Maybe.”
There was no way, of course. They’d be up all night long. And if I had to sleep
out in the yard, I intended to actually sleep. I had my own tent with an air
mattress in it.

“Can’t
I
please
go get my iPod?” Henry begged. He batted his eyelashes at me
when I glared at him, giving me a big, fake grin. “
Pleeeeeease?
”

I
relented, a little.

“I’ll
tell you what—I’ll go get it when everyone’s asleep.” I glanced up at the
house again. They were sitting in the family room with the French doors open,
but the screen door closed, letting the night air in. Their voices and
occasional bursts laughter floated down to us, but I couldn’t make out what
they were saying.

“Oh
come on!” Henry made a face. “That’s going to be, like, forever.”

“They’re
not as young as they think they are.” I winked at him. “I bet it’s all over by
midnight.”

“Besides,
Henry, we’ve got the DVD player,” Janie reminded him. “And I’ve got the whole
set of Lord of the Rings.”

“Oh
all right,” he grumbled. “Are you done eating? Can we watch yet?”

“Gretchen,
do you want to watch?” Janie asked, digging the portable DVD player out of her
bag and starting to crawl into the tent.

“Sure,
let me just put out the fire.” It was one of those fire pits you could buy at
Costco or Sam’s Club. Doc had set it up for us and had loaded it with wood
around dusk, lighting it for us. We’d roasted hotdogs while the adults inside
ate steak. Not that I cared. Hot dogs and S’mores were fine by me and the kids
definitely preferred them.

I
walked up the hill toward the house, carrying the empty pitcher that had
contained lemonade when the night began. Now I used the faucet out back to fill
it with water. I heard Mrs. B laughing, a bright, infectious sound. I hesitated
at the back of the house, listening. I could hear them talking, the two women.

I’d
met Danielle and her “husbands” the day before, when they had taken the
Baumgartners out to dinner—although they only introduced Mason, the big
guy with the sandy crew cut, as her actual husband. The other one, Nico, a dark
haired, dark eyed Italian with an accent to die for, was introduced as their
friend. But I knew the truth. I would have known it, even if I hadn’t overheard
Mrs. B and Doc talking about their relationship. I could tell, the way they
talked to each other, the familiar way they touched each other. I suppose I
might have dismissed it as just a European over-friendliness if I hadn’t known.
But I did know. They were all lovers.

Tonight,
though, it was just Danielle—they called her Dani—who had shown up
for dinner with Doc and Mrs. B. The Baumgartners had been anticipating this
visit for a month and of course, I knew why. I’d heard them talking about Dani,
their former lover, and I knew they both hoped to rekindle things with
her—if just for the night. I wondered if Dani’s “husbands” knew about
their plan, but I wasn’t in any position to ask.

“Oh
my God, Dani, those two men!” Mrs. B exclaimed. “I mean, I knew Mason was a
good-looking guy. But Nico too? You are one lucky woman.”

Dani
gave a throaty laugh. “Tell me about it.”

“What’s
it like, having two men at your beck and call?”

“Well,
I don’t know if they’re at my beck and call…” Dani replied. “But having two
men? It’s pretty fantastic.”

“I
just bet it is.” Mrs. B sighed dreamily. “Don’t tell Doc I asked you. He doesn’t
lean that way, but if he thought I wanted it, I think he just might give it a
try. For me.”

I
moved a little closer, changing the angle of my view. I could see them now as
well as hear them, but I was pretty sure they couldn’t see my out in the darkness.

“Mason
didn’t lean that way either. At least, I didn’t know he did.” Dani chuckled.
“But Mason and Nico are… well, they spend plenty of time together.”

“Where
are they tonight?” Mrs. B asked.

“Oh,
Mason wanted to take Nico to a Detroit Tigers game. Nico is fascinated with
baseball. It’s a boys’ night out.”

“Sounds
like fun.” Mrs. B took a sip of her wine. “Doc should be back any time. I
thought I’d bought two bottles of wine. I’ve been so busy lately, sometimes I
think I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached.”

“You
all seem to be doing well,” Dani said. “Your children have gotten so big!
They’re beautiful. So well-behaved.”

“Thank
you. We’re good,” Mrs. B agreed. “We miss
you,
of course.”

There
was something in her tone they both seemed to understand. Something passed
between them with just a smile.

“What
about Gretchen?” Dani asked.

“Gretchen?”

“Yes,
your nanny. You aren’t…?” Dani shrugged. “I mean, the way she looks at you, I
thought…”

“Oh
my God, no,” Mrs. B exclaimed. “She’s so young. We tried a younger woman a
while ago. It didn’t work out so well. Gretchen is just the nanny.”

Just
the nanny. Like just the roommate.

I
swallowed hard, gripping the pitcher hard in my fist.

“Did
I tell you, we were approved as foster parents last month?” Mrs. B asked,
changing the subject. “We’re hoping to adopt a baby.”

“Really?”
Dani sounded genuinely surprised.

“Well
you know, I had a lot of trouble conceiving Janie.” Mrs. B’s voice broke. She cleared
her throat. “And after Henry was born, they had to take my uterus.”

“I
know,” Dani responded softly.

“Haven’t
you thought of having kids?” Mrs. B asked. “I mean… another…?”

“I’ve
thought about it, but… I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want any more
heartache.”

“There’s
no guarantee it will happen again.” Mrs. B touched her friend’s arm.

“And
no guarantee it won’t.” Dani sipped her wine. “Are you sure you want to go the
foster care route? Wouldn’t regular adoption be safer?”

“Safer?”
Mrs. B wrinkled her nose. “What do you mean?”

“Well,
foster children sometimes go back to their parents, don’t they?”

“It’s
true. We close lose a placement.” Mrs. B frowned. “It does happen. But adoption
is much, much more expensive. And fostering… even if I had to give a child
back, at least they had a home here with us for a little while.”

“I
just know it’s not for me.” Dani sighed. “I know the pain of losing a child. I
couldn’t… I just couldn’t. Not again.”

Their
conversation was interrupted by Doc returning with the wine.

“Hey
girls, are you up to no good?” He put the bottle down on the coffee table in
front of them. I could see him through the screen and took a step back, hoping
he really couldn’t see me.

“There
he is,” Mrs. B said warmly. “What did you bring us?”

“Are
you two trying to get me drunk?” Dani laughed.

“If
we did, would you let us take advantage of you?” Doc grinned.

“Probably,”
Dani replied coyly.

I
walked back down the hill with the water pitcher and poured it over the fire,
listening to it hiss as it went out. Janie and Henry were in the tent watching
Lord of the Rings, the screen zipped up against the onslaught of mosquitos. I
didn’t join them. Instead, I went into my own tent, curling up on my
comfortable air mattress and zipping my mosquito netting closed. I just wanted
a half an hour to myself. Between the Baumgartners’ guests and the
Baumgartners’ kids, I’d been in “entertainment” mode for two days.

I
stretched out and looked through the “moon roof” of my tent—really, it
was the Baumgartners’ tent—up at the stars. I thought of Ronnie and
wondered, if we were still “together,” if she would have taken advantage of
tonight to be with Vince. I wondered if Dani’s two men, her husband and her
lover, knew that she was going to spend the night in the Baumgartners’ bed.

Not
that any of it was my business. Ronnie’s life wasn’t a part of mine anymore.
I’d called her a few times, but she hadn’t returned my calls. And the
Baumgartners—well, they had their right to privacy. If they both wanted
to sleep with another woman, they were adults. Lots of people had open
marriages. It didn’t bother me. I wasn’t one to judge.

What
bothered me was how shocked Mrs. B had been when Dani hinted that the
Baumgartners might be sleeping with
me.
Why had she denied it so
vehemently? I mean, what she said was true—they weren’t sleeping with me.
They’d never even hinted at wanting to. Which was another thing that kind of
bothered me. I mean, not in a real way. It wasn’t a big deal. But they had
seduced Ronnie, hadn’t they?

What
was wrong with me?

I
guess that’s what I was really thinking about as I looked up at the stars, just
before I fell asleep. At least, that’s the last thing I remembered thinking
about before Henry crawled into my tent. I heard the mosquito net zipper and
grabbed the flashlight, shining it on him, relieved. I figured it was only one
of the kids, but a momentary fear of an ax-wielding serial killer had flitted
through my brain.

“What’s
up?” I asked, directing the light to the tent wall and out of his eyes.

“Janie
fell asleep.” He made a face. “She’s snoring and drooling all over her pillow.
It’s gross.”

“Oh
no, you’re not sleeping in here.” I shook my head. “Don’t even think about it.”

“No,
I just want my iPod,” he reminded me. “So I can put on my earphones and listen
to music.”

I
sighed, digging my phone out of my shorts pocket and checking the time. It was
almost one in the morning. Surely the Baumgartners’ guest had gone back to her
hotel room? She wouldn’t stay over until morning, of course. The Baumgartners
were too careful for that. They didn’t even have a guest room anymore, since
I’d moved in.

“Okay,”
I agreed. “You stay here. I’ll be right back. Do
not
come up to the
house for any reason, you understand me?”

“Got
it.” He gave me the Boy Scout salute again.

I
crawled out of the tent. The grass was damp on my bare feet as I made my way to
the house. The French doors were closed now, but they weren’t locked. I peeked
inside, listening, but didn’t hear anything.

If
my luck held out, I could get down the hall to Henry’s room and back out
without anyone knowing I’d ever been in the house. I went through the family
room, into the kitchen. There were dishes still on the sink, including several
wine glasses and two empty bottles of wine. I tiptoed past the stairs, down the
hall toward the kids’ bedrooms. Henry’s was on the left, past the bathroom. I
found his iPod and headphones next to his bed and grabbed it, putting it in my
pocket before heading back down the hall again.

I
was passing the stairs, heading toward the kitchen, when I heard them.

I
should have kept going. In fact, I told myself that very thing.
Keep going.
Henry’s waiting. Don’t do this.
But I did it anyway. I couldn’t seem to
help myself. I turned and climbed up the carpeted stairs, avoiding the creaky
fourth one. I’d lived there long enough now to know about the house’s little
quirks.

What
do you think you’re doing?

My
brain was going wild, telling me to turn back, that I was risking my job and my
future. I knew this was just plain crazy. But I peeked around the corner,
seeing the Baumgartners’ door part way open. And I could hear them, even from
here. I could hear their moans. The clear and unmistakable sound of sex.

“Oh
God, Dani, yes!” That was Mrs. B. “Lick it! Yes! Yes!”

I
needed to go. The kids were outside by themselves. I had more visions of an
ax-wielding serial killer fly through my brain. But now I had other visions
too—spurred by auditory cues. Doc groaning. Mrs. B moaning. Dani crying
out. I bit my lip, squeezing my legs together like I had to pee—trying to
hold back my own desire. Trying to fight against it.