Read Dear Coca-Cola Online

Authors: Terry Ravenscroft

Dear Coca-Cola (9 page)

ADS
3.32Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
READ BOOK DOWNLOAD BOOK

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

 

****

 

Heinz

 

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

 

We were sorry to learn that you are unhappy with our original response to your complaint about a lack of "Fat Controllers" in a tin of Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends Pasta Shapes.

 

We note that you were unhappy with our reimbursement. However it is our policy to ensure that all our consumers are refunded for any product which they feel does not meet their expectations. Our vouchers were intended to reflect this and we are sorry you chose not to accept them.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Brian Hooker

Consumer Contact Manager

 

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

23rd April

Your ref 0335827A

 

Brian Hooker

H J Heinz Co Ltd

Hayes

Middlesex

 

Dear Brian Hooker

 

The reason I found your original response inadequate was not because I was unhappy about you reimbursement - I am not a man who seeks nor needs charity - but because you at Heinz don't seem to know the difference between a tank and a tank engine. I really expected more from one of our leading food manufacturers.

 

I have now realised why you came up with the slogan 'Heinz 57 Varieties.' It is quite obviously some legal ploy - 'varieties' being a suitably vague enough expression to cater for the eccentricities of your can filling machinery, and 57 of them to cover you in the event of your mistaking a tank engine for any of 56 other large locomotives.

 

Yours faithfully

 

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

 

NO REPLY!

 

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

8th April

Interpet Ltd

Dorking

Surrey

 

Dear Interpet

 

As a fishpond owner I am never without a supply of your product 3 Seasons Floating Food Hoops. The other day my wife accidentally served a portion of them to my middle son Henry, in mistake for Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops, which are very similar in appearance. Far from complaining about it, Henry wolfed down the lot, and with even more gusto than usual, then enquired as to what the 'super new breakfast cereal' was and could he have it regularly.

 

I must say that I don't share my son's opinion of the taste of your Floating Food Hoops - I tried a spoonful, and to me they taste like rabbit hutches - but then what appeals to the palate of a child has never ceased to amaze me since the advent of the fish finger and the Big Mac. However, the way I see it is that if he wants to eat fish food that's his kettle of fish - or rather his bowl of 3 Seasons Floating Food Hoops - so good luck to him. Before I give him my blessing however I thought it would be prudent to check with you to ensure that there isn't anything in your product which might be harmful to human children.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Yours faithfully

 

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

28th April

Interpet Ltd

Dorking

Surrey

 

Dear Interpet

 

I would refer you to a letter that I sent to you on 8th April. I really expected an answer before now. Indeed, if my Japanese Koi fish had to wait as long for their 3 Seasons Floating Food Hoops as I have had to wait for an answer from you they would have become 'floaters' long ago. So please, as my boy Henry is back on the Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops again and consequently is making my life a misery with his pestering.

 

Yours faithfully

 

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

 

****

 

INTERPET

6th May

JEP/cc

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

 

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your recent correspondence and we would offer our sincere apologies for the delay in responding to you. Unfortunately, our research scientist has been absent from the office and we needed to clarify the situation with him.

 

Although the product is harmless, we cannot advise or recommend it for human consumption. We would therefore suggest that Henry continues with Kellogg's

Honey Nut Loops.

 

Once again, please accept our apologies for the delay.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Julie Parker

Customer Services Administrator

 

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

8th May

Julie Parker

Interpet Ltd

Dorking

Surrey

 

Dear Julie Parker

 

Thank you for your letter of 6th May.

 

Since writing to you there has been a development. Apparently Henry has been eating your Floating Food Hoops behind my back ever since I first wrote to you on 8th April! It appears that the young shaver has been taking a handful out of the container into which I dole the daily ration for feeding to my Koi, then mixing it in with his Honey Nut Loops. (I only found out when I became suspicious because the fish always seemed to be hungry). When I showed him your letter he begged me to disregard it, and pleaded with me to be allowed to continue eating Floating Food Hoops, pointing out that he hasn't suffered any ill effects, so why not? In fact he has never looked fitter, and he swears that his swimming has improved, although whether that is due to eating fish food or just that he is a growing lad is debatable.

 

Bearing the above in mind I am loathe to stop him eating Floating Fish Hoops, and to this end I would be interested to know why you can't recommend them for human consumption if, as you say, they are harmless?

 

Yours faithfully

 

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

 

****

 

INTERPET

 

 

20th May

JEP/cc

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

 

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

 

Thank you for your further letter dated 8 May regarding our Floating Food Hoops.

 

We are delighted that Henry enjoys the product so much! However, we can only reiterate what we stated in our previous letter. There are obviously very differing regulations laid down in the production, packaging and handling of food for human consumption as against food for animal or fish consumption. As far as we are concerned, there is nothing in the product which would be harmful if consumed by a human but we cannot recommend it since it was not produced for this purpose nor has it passed the stringent tests to pronounce it fit for human consumption.

 

We are sorry that we cannot be more helpful.

 

Yours sincerely

Julie Parker

Customer Services Administrator

 

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

23rd May

Julie Parker

Interpet Ltd

Dorking

Surrey

 

Dear Julie Parker

 

Thank you for your letter of 20th May.

 

Henry continues to enjoy Floating Food Hoops mixed in with his Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops. My wife swears that he is developing scales on his lower left leg but it's just a particularly bad case of Athlete's Foot if you ask me.

 

Thank you for all your help.

 

Yours faithfully

 

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

 

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

9th April

Kellogg's Ltd

Talbot Road

Manchester

M16 0PU

 

Dear Kellogg's

 

I attach a letter I recently sent to Interpet, which I would like you to read before continuing.

 

It occurred to me that if my son Henry preferred Floating Food Hoops to your Honey Nut Loops then my collection of Japanese Koi fish might prefer Honey Nut Loops to Floating Food Hoops. I decided to find out, for if this proved to be the case I could save myself quite a bit of money, Floating Food Hoops being five times as expensive as Honey Nut Loops. Sadly the experiment was not a success. Not only did most of the Koi shun the Honey Nut Loops completely, but the only one that ate them died the following day.

 

The exercise wasn't a complete disaster, however, as my wife and I had the Koi grilled for supper with some oven chips, and very nice it was too, but as it had cost me over £200 not so long ago it isn't a meal I want to eat too often.

 

Why the fish died is something of a mystery. I have looked at the list of ingredients on the Honey Nut Loops packet and they aren't a great deal different to the ingredients in Floating Food Hoops. Where they do differ is that you use niacin and folic acid. Could it be either of these two substances which caused the demise of my Koi?

 

Yours faithfully

 

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

 

NO REPLY!

 

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

12th April

Cadbury Ltd

Bournville

Birmingham

 

Dear Cadbury

 

Might I congratulate you on the position you have taken with regard to product placement, since taking on the mantle of Coronation Street's sponsor. It would have been all too easy for you to put pressure on the programme's producers to include in each episode gratuitous close-ups of your products, but I can honestly say I have yet to see so much as a Chocolate Button on my favourite soap! Given the more liberal attitude to sex taken by the producers of Coronation Street nowadays, it would have been all too easy to feature shots of Deirdre nibbling a Milk Flake or Liz sucking a Walnut Whip, but no, your restraint has been admirable. I take my hat off to you.

 

Yours faithfully

 

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

 

****

 

Cadbury

 

Our ref; L17/CD/SF

22nd April

 

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

 

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

 

Thank you for your letter dated 12th April concerning the Cadbury sponsorship of Coronation Street.

 

I thank you for your kind words concerning our sponsorship, as you correctly state it would be quite improper of us to influence the programme in any way, be it having our products included, or trying to influence the story lines of the show.

 

I note however that you say it would be easy to feature shots of a Flake or a Walnut Whip, but I can assure you that as we do not produce Walnut Whip that is one product we would certainly be trying not to get featured!

 

Once again thank you for taking the trouble to write to us.

 

Yours Sincerely

 

Carol Dunseith

Consumer Services Manager

 

****

 

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

 

24th April

Your ref L17/CD/SF

 

Carol Dunseith

Cadbury Ltd

PO Box 12

Bournville

 

Dear Carol Dunseith

 

It's Sod's Law, isn't it! No sooner do I congratulate you on your restraint than you go and blot your copybook. I refer of course to last Monday's episode of Coronation Street when Emily was to be seen looking longingly at a Mars Bar in the Corner Shop. Let's hope that this was just a temporary lapse!

Other books

Framed and Hung by Alexis Fleming
Harraga by Boualem Sansal
Seen Reading by Julie Wilson
Falcon Song: A love story by Cross, Kristin
Curtains by Scott Nicholson
The Winds of Change by Martha Grimes
Red Devon by Menos, Hilary
Where the Devil Can't Go by Lipska, Anya