Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) (7 page)

"Because, Eric, every time I look at you I can think of nothing but you. Nothing but your lips and the way they would taste on mine, your touch against my skin and the love I know you have for me."
 

Eric stops in his tracks, staring me down with his eyes scared but yet that warmth, the love he has for me, shines back at me. "How?" he breathes.

"Because everything I see when I look at you, I feel it too. I know you see it in my eyes, I know it is the reason you can't let go of me. I know it's there but goddammit, Eric, it is buried so far down inside of me that I cannot unlock it. I cannot find the key. No matter how many times I try. No matter how many times I kiss you, no matter how many fucking times I tell myself it is all in my head, it's not. I can't get past it, I can't unlock it. I can't let it go."
 

I watch his eyes turn from warmth to confusion, my cryptic words making it hard for him to understand where it is that I am coming from. Words that I can't…

"Maybe if you explain it to him, you'll have your answers. Tell him what hides inside you and let him decide for himself."
 

Dr. V's words ring in my head once again.
Can I do this? Can I bring myself to explain to him exactly why I cannot love him? Why we can't be together?
 

I drop my eyes from his, fighting the war inside of me isn't something I need him to see. I need to…

Suddenly, his hands are on my cheeks, his fingers in my hair, tilting my head up to look at him. "Try, Calvin," he whispers.
 

"I wish I could…I wish it could be different. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but it is and it has to be," I say through clenched teeth as I fight the rising bile in my stomach, fight my muscles from locking down and holding me prisoner within my own skin, but it's too late. Eric's lips land hard and fast against mine. For the briefest of moments the world washes away and I am alone. I am free, freer than anything I have ever felt before.
 

The feeling vanishes in the blink of an eye when my body locks down, bile rises beyond the point of managing it…beyond what I can handle. I cough and sputter while Eric pulls back, though he doesn't release me. My body shakes and convulses and he releases me in disgust. "What the fuck, Calvin?" As it should be.
 

I turn and dart into the bathroom to retch, instinct takes over when I see him approaching me. "Don't. Just stay there." He doesn't stop, he comes closer. "Don't fucking touch me." The urge to flee takes over. I flush the toilet and dart from the bathroom and our hotel room.
 

Fuck! FUCK! Fuck!

"Whoa, dude, you alright?" I look at Casey.
 

"No, let me into your room."
 

"No, not until you tell me what's wrong?"
 

"I'm drunk, I need to go to bed."
 

"Bullshit," Casey calls me out. "You've barely drank anything tonight. Try again."
 

"Fuck off, now move." I push on him, but he's a brick shithouse and doesn't move.
 

The gravity of what's happened, again, washes over me and my stomach rolls. "Seriously, I'm going to fucking hurl all over your shitkickers if you don't fucking let me in your room."
 

"So hurl."
 

"This is none of your fucking business." I punch the wall next to his door. My hand throbs briefly, but the pain is a welcome relief. It's enough to pull the tears out of my eyes and back into my skull where they fucking belong.
 

"Did he hurt you?" Casey's voice turns serious and I look at him.
 

"Ugh! No. Why would you ask me that?"
 

He shrugs. "It's my job."
 

"Fuck off, it is not. Since when do you care about fights?"
 

"Because, he's your best fucking friend, Calvin, that's why I care."
 

Sadness washes over me. "Not anymore."
 

Casey and I argued for a couple more minutes before Talon came out in the hall. Casey finally let me get into his room and I slammed the door in his face, I'll apologize tomorrow.
 

I text Dr. V.
 

It happened again, only this time, I was stone cold sober…

CASEY came in some time after I fell asleep, thank god, because I wasn't in the mood for his inquisition; which I know is coming.
 

I tried to sneak out before anyone else got up this morning but failed miserably. Addison, Talon, Kyle, Beck and Mills are all in the hallway when I come out of Casey's room.
 

"Why were you in there?" Talon asks me and all I can do is stare daggers at him, hoping like hell he won't press the subject.
 

"What's the plan for today?" I ask, changing the subject.
 

"Not much, just some shopping. We have to leave this afternoon to drive down to Miami. Did you need to go somewhere?" Mills asks.
 

"Anywhere but here," I say stoically.
 

"Mouse?" Addison says and I look at her. "Can we talk?"
 

I roll my eyes. "There isn't anything to talk about."
 

"I beg to differ. Just you and me?"
 

I sigh, "Fine."
 

She turns to the guys. "Go ahead, we'll stay here."
 

I watch as Talon and Kyle both nod their acceptance and kiss Addison before departing with Beck and Mills. "Come on, let's go to my room." She walks past me toward one of the doors at the far end of the hall. Once there, without a word, she slides the key into the door and opens it, gesturing me inside.
 

‘This isn't necessary. I don't have anything that needs…"
 

"I'm aware. But Mouse, you've got to talk to someone."
 

I scrub my head with my hand and relent, stepping past her into the room. It's much bigger than ours. They usually get the bigger rooms anyway. Talon, at least, has always gotten the biggest rooms. Rooms that we used to party in, before this tour. To say that I'm a little jealous or maybe even a little hurt that things panned out the way they did is an understatement. I knew all along that eventually we'd all find our own person and the dynamic of the band would change, I just never expected it to be this soon. "How do you do it?" I say as we take a seat in the little sitting room off of the bedroom.
 

"Do what?" she asks innocently.
 

"Deal with both of them?"
 

She laughs, "Some days, I don't. Some days it's just easier to let them be them. Other days I feel like they can't get enough of me, no matter what I do." I watch as a warm smile spreads across her face as she talks about Talon and Kyle.
 

"How do they do it?"
 

She cocks her head at me. "You'll have to be more specific."
 

I let out a deep breath and start to fidget with my hands. "Is it the three of you, all the time, in bed?"
 

I can't look at her, my embarrassment at the question I've asked is enough for the both of us.
 

"No, it's not. Sometimes it's just me alone with Talon or Kyle, other times it's just the two of them though they won't admit that too much." I shiver thinking about Talon and Kyle together, my mind repels the idea.
 

"So," I swallow hard. "When the three of you are together, do they…" I let the question fall into silence and I see her move, getting comfortable, pulling her feet up under her as she leans into the arm of the chair she sat in.
 

"They do," she says so matter of fact that it causes my head to come up and look at her. My mind attempts to reject the idea, forcing my stomach to churn. She cocks her head at me. "I'm an open book, Calvin, ask me anything."
 

I swallow again. "I need alcohol for this conversation," I tell her as I rub my sweating palms across my thighs.
 

She nods with her head behind me. "Fridge is over there."
 

I look behind me and sure enough, there is a slightly larger than dorm sized fridge under the counter, but I don't get up. I turn back toward her, my mind going a million miles a minute with a million different questions. "That doesn't repulse you? Seeing them together like that?"
 

Her head cocks at me in return, questions and concern clear as day in her ice blue eyes. "No, it doesn't. In fact, it's a huge turn-on for me." Her voice is soft, nearly a whisper, almost as if she's trying to read deeper than necessary into me or my question. "Why do you think it would repulse me?"
 

"Because it's not natural," I grumble without a second thought.
 

She doesn't say anything for a few minutes and I start to grow uncomfortable and start fidgeting once again.
 

"Do you honestly believe that?" she finally asks and our eyes meet.
 

"I can't answer that question without unearthing things that I can't talk about."
 

She shrugs, "Okay then. I'll respond to that statement. Natural is in the eye of the beholder, Calvin. I have a hard time believing you to be the anti-gay type." My eyes leave her, a silent omission and confession that she's right, I'm not anti-gay, just anti-Calvin being gay. "I didn't think so. Talon and Kyle are not gay; at least I wouldn't consider them that by any stretch of the imagination. Neither one of them had ever considered a same-sex relationship until I came along. They both love me very much and they're both sexually attracted to me, but they're also attracted to each other. There is nothing wrong with that, at least not in my book. Whether it turned me on or not, I wouldn't have a problem with either one of them wanting to be with the other. But I refused to choose between the two of them, where they took their relationship was their choice." She starts to curl a strand of hair around her finger, the movement captures my attention and I look at her. "I never expected them to progress to having a relationship with each other. I just expected us to have wild three-way sex and," she shrugs, "I've gotten far more in the process."
 

I don't know how to respond to that information at first. The only thing I can think of is what if it didn't turn her on but I let that drop. This conversation has already fallen deeper into territory I would have been happy to know nothing about, I don't want to continue to press it.
 

"Can I ask you something?" Her voice is soft, reassuring.
 

I look at her, fear and concern roll around inside my mind. "Sure," I tell her after a beat.
 

"You said it's not natural. Why is it that you think that?"
 

"Because a relationship should be between a man and a woman." My voice is robotic and detached, the re-programmed version coming out.
 

Her eyes narrow at me. "That doesn't sound like something you believe."
 

I stand up in a frustrated huff. "Whether or not I believe it is irrelevant."
 

"I beg to differ with you." I see pity in her eyes and I want to revolt from it, but there is something there, hiding, that tells me she's the person I can trust with all my secrets, but I'm not ready to reveal them to her. "It sounds like a lie you've told yourself for years." She reads right into me and I can't stay standing anymore. My head is spinning with the idea that this woman is about to unravel everything I've ever thought I've known about myself. She's going to dig it out of me and there is nothing I can do about it.
 

"I haven't told myself anything," I whisper, "More like had it beaten into me. Burned into my brain."
 

I put my head in my hands.
 

"So that's why you and…"
 

Tears form in my eyes before I can stop them. "Have you ever wanted something so bad that you will let nothing stop you from getting it?"