Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) (5 page)

This girl… Ciara’s words spark something inside of me. Something unfamiliar and at the same time, something wanted. I know she’s persistent and when she sets her mind on something, she won’t leave it alone until she gets her way. So I go with her to the dance floor and do like she says, let her worry about my situation for a little while.

I chance a look at my friends, and they are all staring with a surprised look on their faces. Yeah, this is not like me at all. I’m finding out that it feels good to act differently than I used to.

“Quit looking at them.” I hear Ciara whisper in my ear. “Look at me.” I do as she asks.

“What do you want now, Nibblet.” I call her Nibblet from time to time when I act like she is irritating me. She reminds me of a corn nibblet, with all her blond hair and petite size. But in that small package, she packs a huge personality, full of kindness and goodness.

“Ugh! I told you I hate that nickname!” She tries to be mad, but I see a smile across her face. She really likes it when I use that term of endearment with her.

“If you hate it so much, why are you smiling?”

“Because it’s actually nice to hear it again, coming from your lips. It’s been a while.”

“Yes, it has… You are right about something, Ciara. I want to move on. I have been thinking a lot about the type of person I was, and one thing I know is that I want to do better with my life. I don’t know how, and I need your help with that.”

“Yes, I can help you, Traxx. But first, you have to heal. You can’t do anything or help anyone when your life is out of control. And I can help you heal, but I need to know that you mean it when you say you are ready to change.”

I take a deep breath and think about it for a minute. I don’t want to revert back to being a senseless manwhore anymore. I want to do something good, but I don’t know what and I also don’t know how to move on from the incident with Marcy. I have returned to work, and even if I keep as busy as possible, images play in my head at unexpected times throughout the day and especially at night. Yes, I want to change. I don’t want to help create any more situations like the one with Marcy.

“Yes, Ciara, I’m ready and I need your help, because I really don’t know how to move forward with my life.”

“Well, there is no magic formula or a practical plan. And it won’t be easy, either. We are just going to have to take it one day at a time. For now, though, we just need to concentrate on being part of the living, and enjoy this dance.” She lowers her head on my chest and I place my lips on top of her head and inhale her scent. I don’t recognize it but she smells so good and sweet – like a promise should. I smile lightly and hold her tighter. Nibblet is going to be my beacon back to life and reality. You’d better believe that I’m going to hold on tight and not let go.

Getting Traxx to stop drinking and to live in the moment – even for the length of a few songs – it’s like a mini victory. When I was in college we studied a lot on Suicide Loss Survivors, but that applies to people who have lost a spouse, family member, friend, colleague, neighbor, client or co-worker… Traxx’s situation is different; he was a Suicide Witness Survivor, which means he was witness to the self-inflicted violence and death of a person. There are different ramifications for behavior between those two, so I have been reading up on that so I can be of help to him. The fact that he has not wanted to go see a specialist is bad. The fact that I’m in graduate school for a Psychology major is a plus. I’m not claiming to be an expert, because I’m certainly not one, but I may be the only person that can steer Traxx in the right direction, without him even realizing it.

“What are you doing?” My friend and roommate Keagan comes into the room and interrupts my thoughts. Brianna used to be my roommate, but she moved in with Colton a few months back. Notso and Traxx had to move out of Colton’s place then, and ended up living together in the house Traxx had bought.

“I’m researching about Suicide Witness. My textbooks don’t delve in the subject as much, so I talked to some of my professors and they lent me some books.”

“Hmm… Do you think it’s going to work? You helping Traxx, I mean?”

“It has to. I don’t know what else to do.” Keagan gives me a sad look.

“Have you eaten?” She asks.

“Not yet. I had coffee and toast earlier, but I’m hungry. Got anything in mind?

“I spoke to Notso a little while ago, and we are going to get a bite, pizza I think. Wanna come with?

My mouth waters before I can even answer. “That sounds really good, actually.” Let me change out of these yoga pants. Give me ten?”

“Sure, take all the time you need. We aren’t in a hurry. Besides, Notso was going to try to talk Traxx into going. Traxx is a little out of sorts lately.”

“Why? Something happened?”

“I’d say… Traxx got a phone call from my cousin - his brother Wyatt, the one who lives in Texas, remember him? It seems that my uncle Logan is worried about Traxx and asked Wyatt to transfer from the Dallas office to the one here in Pristina.”

“Permanently?”

“Not sure, but how can you pass up to keep your job and move to a beach town on daddy’s dime?”

“Yeah, I can see that… Why do you think he’s not happy about Wyatt’s visit?”

Keagan thinks about it for a minute before answering. “I think he may feel like his dad wants to check up on him and meddle in his life. I know my uncle can be very overbearing at times.”

Keagan’s and Traxx’s dads are brothers. So I know Keagan has the inside scoop to what’s going on. “Now that I think about it, the last time Wyatt came to visit, they had a bit of a competition going on.”

Keagan laughs heartily. “A little? Those two idiots have been competing against each other since they were kids. Having different mothers didn’t help a bit. Maybe Wyatt can bring a little distraction for Traxx.”

“Do you know when is he going to get here?”

“Not for a few weeks. He’s trying to tie up some loose ends with some clients in Texas first.”

Okay, I’m glad I have a few weeks with Traxx before he has to deal with his brother. There’s a knock on the door.

“I’ll get it! Ciara, you go ahead and get ready.”

“Mm’kay”

As I’m putting on some jeans and pull on my ankle boots, I can’t stop thinking that maybe Wyatt will be a welcomed distraction. It will remind Traxx of some good memories they have shared. I put on an off-shoulder blouse on top of my tank top, and quickly brush my hair. I apply some neutral eye shadow, put on mascara and finish up with a nude lip gloss. Ready in less than… well, I guess I was closer to fifteen, but I did clean up really well.

“Okay, I’m ready…” As I walk down the hall into the living room, I stop cold and think my eyes are betraying me when I see Traxx looking straight at me.

“Traxx… what a nice surprise!” He looks at me with a puzzled look on his face.

“Yeah, I was hungry. Hope you don’t mind.”

“Oh, sorry – that’s not what I meant… You shaved, and… got a haircut, you look nice.”

He rubs his jaw with his palm. Smiling, he replies, “Yeah, it was way overdue. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and recognize the person looking back at me.”

Although Traxx usually had some stubble, he had quit taking care of his appearance for several weeks and had let his beard grow, which would have been cool if he at least would have groomed it, but it made him look disheveled and lost. I guess it was a reflection of the way he felt inside. This is a good thing. I smile at him and nod.

“Good, then. As I was saying, I’m ready if everyone else is.”

Notso is the first to get up. “Let’s go! I’m starving!”

I laugh. “Does that mean we are headed for an ‘all you can eat” pizza buffet?”

“Nah, that was during my broke days. I make good money now and I don’t mind spending it on my dear friends at a “classy” pizza place.” He winks at me.

“Wow! What a big spender!” I laugh at his antics. “I like it when others pick up the tab, I’m going to eat so much that you won’t even recognize me!”

“What does that even mean? That instead of a bowl of salad and one slice you are going to eat TWO whole fucking slices? Pleazzze, girl, just don’t.”

Everybody’s snickering at this point. “I don’t know, Notso. I may feel hungry enough to forget the salad and eat a whole pizza! What you got to say to that?

“Dang, Ciara, you got me! I’ll believe it when I see it.”

As we get to his truck, I don’t really need help getting up in it, but I let Traxx help me up and Notso is assisting Keagan. The truck has a lift and I like to see guys show their Southern manners. “Do you care to place a wager, Mr. Winslow?” I look at Notso expectantly. We are best friends and he knows that I’m a competitive bitch when I need be.

“Do you think I’m stupid? I know you well, and you get some kinda’ crazy when it comes to bets.”

“Party Pooper!” I yell at him crossing my arms in front of me. Traxx looks at me smiling, then at Notso, and frowns.

“Notso, what the hell?! Look at her tiny size, for goodness sake. You actually think she can eat a whole pie? You chicken shit!

Keagan and I are smiling from the back seat. I may not be able to move after, but I will eat a whole pizza if it’s going to make me some money. Not that I need the money, but it’s a matter of principle. Notso knows me well enough he recognizes he will lose his money. I’m sitting right behind him on the driver side of the truck and I can see his sky blue eyes looking at my sapphire blue ones… He’s getting ready to fall for it… three, two, one…

“I’m betting low because I feel I’m just throwing my money away. If you eat a whole pizza, that will get you a crisp $50 – if you leave even a small bite of crust, I win. Deal?

“Ha! Yeah, deal! Sucker!” We laugh like we are kids, carefree and teasing one another as we drive towards the restaurant.

I’m sitting here at the table feeling a lot of pride in my Nibblet, as she is polishing off the last slice of the cheese pizza that Notso ordered for her. It’s the first time I feel…
free
since the incident. I have been living in my own condemned hell, sort of a way of punishing myself for what happened. It’s my way of assuming some kind of responsibility for what Marcy did. It doesn’t mean that I no longer feel guilty, because God knows I do. Guilt consumes me. If I was able to get to her just few seconds sooner… Well, but today… today it’s the first time I get a glimpse of what my life could be once I learn to forgive myself and heal.

Ciara winks at me as we start chanting: “Go! Go! Go!” as she is chewing the last bite. The last swallow, then a sip of her Diet Coke and she leaps off her chair with her hands up,

“I did it! Pay up, Notso! Woohoo!”

On an impulse, I get off my chair and go to her lifting her in a big bear hug. “You did it, Nibblet!”

“Uh! Don’t squeeze me too hard, I don’t wanna blow!” She looks at me playfully, “You are going to have to roll me out of here. I’m so full I can hardly breathe and I don’t think I can walk, either!”

Her laugh has always been something that makes me feel all warm and gooey on the inside, not that I have ever told her that. Our relationship has been somewhat strained in the past, probably because of the mixed feelings I have for her. Since then I have learned that life is short, and although I had mine on pause, I’m ready to put it to something good. Ciara is right, though. I need to work on myself and get better before I can concentrate on others.

Notso gets his wallet, pulls some money out of it and hands it to Ciara. “I knew I should not bet against you, Ciara. You have a very determined, competitive streak. Jesus! I’m still trying to figure out where in the hell you put all that pizza?”

“Unfortunately, I can’t tell you where I put it, but I can tell you where it’s going to go unless I go for a walk and try to exercise some of it off.”

Keagan chimes in, “Yeah, it’s probably going to go straight to your ass or boobies. Hell, every time I gain one ounce that’s where it all goes.”

“I fail to understand why that’s a bad thing?” Notso tells Keagan with a flirty smile on his face as I give him a dirty look. She’s my cousin for fuck’s sake!

“Okay, y’all head on to the truck while I settle the bill. Traxx, you may need to carry Ciara.” He says as we see her struggling to stand up.

“I’m okay, I can walk. I just lost my balance for a second. Here you see? It’s all good.” She turns around and starts to walk to the door. Keagan and I follow her. As we reach the truck, Ciara lets out a huge burp, surprising me and a couple of strangers walking by the truck at the same time.

“Girl, we aren’t at the hunting land. I’m not used to you letting it rip in the middle of civilization.” Keagan’s laughing at Ciara’s antics.

“Keagan, I can barely breathe – I need to make room for all that food! It’s hard enough to fake it in front of Notso, but I’m not going to fake it in front of you.” Ciara is rubbing her stomach.

“Okay, you and I are going for a walk as soon as we get to the apartment.” I tell her raising my eyebrow so she knows I mean business.

“Okay.” She says breathily and nods while rubbing her tummy one more time, and I find myself wanting to get there as soon as possible.

The ride to the apartment is quick and as we get there I’m amazed that I actually managed not to think about Marcy for the last couple of hours. And it never fails, the moment that I start to think about her, I feel guilty.

We get out of the truck, and I noticed Ciara starts to walk towards the apartment, I grab her hand and pull her the opposite way. “Oh, hell no! I know you are pizza-drunk right now, but I’m not about to let you lie down and sleep these calories away. Plus, if you go to bed, it means I would have to go home and be bored. So we are going to go on a walk, like we talked about.”

“Really, Traxx, you pick this moment to be a ‘follow-through’ kind of guy, seriously? I’m too full to do anything, plus I have my cute boots on and they are not made for walking.”

“Stop being a wimp, Ciara. Those boots are low heels and I’ve seen you dance the night away with some shoes that are three times higher than the ones you have on right now.” She pouts at me and looks at Keagan and Notso while they are walking away. Keagan turns towards us and winks, “It’s true Ciara, go walking. You’ll feel better after a while.”

“Fine. Let’s go.” She tells me in a very grumpy but cute way.

I smile to myself and pull on the little firecracker’s hand. “Have I ever told you that you’re funny when you’re irritated?”

“That’s a juxtaposition. How can anyone be funny and irritated at the same time?”

“I don’t know. You just are.”

“Whatever. How have you been doing lately?” She looks at me expectantly. I can see where this is going. The apartment complex is rather large and there is lots of time to talk while we walk. She said she would help me, so I guess I better be straight with her.

“It’s rough, especially now that I’m trying not to drink so much. I’m starting back at the gym tomorrow. You should come with me.”

“With my crazy schedule between work and school, I have to fit in exercise here and there. I don’t want to promise that I will go with you and then not be able to follow up.”

“I understand. It’s cool.” We are walking into the playground and she sits on one of the swings. I automatically walk around and start to push her.

“Traxx, how are you sleeping?”

“Not very good, Ciara. I still have nightmares almost every night.”

“Do you have trouble falling sleep?”

“Not really. I just wake up screaming, re-living the moment, you know?” I push harder and she is swinging higher and higher. She swings her legs like little kids do. “When will the guilt stop? I feel guilty all the time. Will I ever get over it?”

“I’m not sure you will ever get over it, but I can assure you we will find a way to get you through it. It’s normal to feel guilty about feeling good. You have to remember that it was her choice to end her life, not yours. It’s not your fault.”

“I don’t know, Ciara. If I had not treated her like I did…”

“You don’t know that. We have no way of knowing if it would have been different for her. If it hadn’t been you, it may have been someone else. I’m not going to be all cliché and tell you to stop feeling the way you are. You have to work your way out of there on your own, one step out of time. I will help you.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, Traxx, I promise you that. Now come around the swing and catch me – will ya’?”

There she goes with that sweet smile. How can anyone say no to that? I walk around to the front and she throws herself off of the swing, right into my arms.

We are laughing hard, looking at each other, becoming aware that we are both almost out of breath. I can smell her crisp, clean perfume. I can smell her minty breath. I look at her eyes and she looks back at mine. When I lick my bottom lip, she’s intently looking at it with want and I notice her smile is gone and I see her swallow - hard. The wind is blowing her long blond hair all over the place. Suddenly, it becomes obvious that our playful embrace its more than that. I am painfully aware that my body’s crushing hers and for a few seconds I become lost in her warmth. It feels good. Really good.

Ciara realizes what is happening and taps my shoulders to bring me back into reality. I slowly and carefully release her until her feet are steady on the ground. I keep one hand on her waist, and with the other hand I take some of her fly-away hair and tuck it behind her ear. And because I love to torture myself, instead of putting my hand inside my pocket, I lightly brush my knuckles on her cheek and jawline. I see her intake a deep breath and notice her pulse is going really fast. She is looking down, but as I finish touching her, she looks up at me – what is that I see? I swear I saw a flicker of
something
. It’s probably just pity and I’m reading into it way too much. I’m probably the biggest ass she’s ever known. Why would she care about me?

“Why?” I ask her and nobody in particular at the same time.

Ciara takes a step away from me. “Why what?”

“Why do you care so much?” I’m not sure I need to be asking her this. I don’t even know why I’m doing it.

“Why wouldn’t I? You are our friend and at the moment I’m the most qualified to help you out of all of us.”

“You are the most qualified? So… I’m only a case study to you? A subject for your graduate course work?”

“No Traxx, that’s not what I meant.”

I turn around and start to head back. I can’t stay here. “It really doesn’t matter, I should have known better.” I can’t help but sound angry, because I am. What would I think that she actually cares for me in any other way?

“What? No, wait…”

“Never mind, Ciara. I get it.” My mind is telling me to stay, let her explain things, maybe I got it all wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. But my pride, my pride was knocked down a few notches and it’s telling me not to bother, to keep walking. So that’s what I chose to do.