Read Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) Online

Authors: Yara Greathouse

Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) (7 page)

BOOK: Dismantled (Girls on Top #2)
4.51Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads
Ciara

I’m just getting home from work. Being an Assistant to the most popular psychologist in the state is not always fun. It’s busy as hell most of the time. My family was against it. They feel I should finish my graduate course work and then join a practice. Some days I think I should have listened to their advice, but on the other hand, I really enjoy being completely independent and I appreciate that I can do whatever I want.

I enter my apartment complex’s parking lot and right away I notice Traxx’s truck sitting in the same spot he left it days ago. It pisses me off immediately. Since his panic attack I haven’t seen or heard from him at all. He’s been in his room probably feeling sorry for himself. It’s time for him to get rid of his demons and it’s time for me to shake things up a bit.

I practically run towards the building and up the steps, high heels still on. Opening the door to my apartment, I go straight to my room to change into some workout clothes.  Keagan is not here yet, so I go on to the guys’ place by myself and knock on their door. I wait patiently but there is no answer. I pull out my cell phone from the arm band holder, and I text him.

Ciara:              I’m knocking on your door. Get your ass up and come open it.

Traxx:              Go away.

Ciara:              I have a spare key. I was trying to be respectful, but obviously you need a good ass whooping. I’m coming in. Be ready (meaning make sure you’ve got some clothes on!)

Just as I’m looking for the spare, I hear some shuffling and the lock clicks open. I look at this
thing
that has opened the door… Traxx resembles the Big Foot guy from the beef jerky commercials; my face gets all twisty - I can’t help it - and he realizes that my facial expression is a bit distasteful.

“Oh, wow! You smell terrible! When was the last time you showered?”

“Mmm… I can’t remember.” He says with a sleepy voice.

“What have you been doing these past few days?” I cross the threshold and come inside his place. There’s crap everywhere, when I turn around to look at him he’s got his arms full of clothes and a couple of empty beer bottles in his hand.

“I took some stuff and I have been sleeping it off, pretty much.” He shrugs his shoulders like it’s no big deal.

“Sooo, you drugged yourself in order to slip into oblivion for who knows how long? And you think that’s ok? We will talk about this later… right now you need a shower – you have some skunky smell going on…” I grab the clothes and the bottles from his hands and arms and start pushing him towards his room…

“Oh, Dear God! It’s worse over here… Smells like something rotten died in this room… Get in the shower, I’m going to air it out.” I start to crack open the windows.

“Can you put these in the dirty laundry, please?” He starts to pull down his flannel pants and stands in front of me almost naked if not for his undies. I already know he’s shameless!  But then I hear myself inhale a huge gasp of air as I take notice of his muscled body…and the rippled abdominal ‘V.’ Lord, help me! The asshole notices my reaction and he chuckles. Chuckles! My bad mood immediately evaporates because I can’t even think of the last time I heard him laugh. I turn around so I’d stop staring, and get busy pulling the bed sheets off. One last peek at his natural tanned back, and I smile. He chuckled. There is hope for him yet.

I move from the bedroom to the living room, which looks a lot more presentable without stuff scattered everywhere. I also start the laundry and spray some room deodorizer to mask some of the funky smell that’s still hovering around the place. I hear Traxx come out of his bathroom and a few minutes later walk into the living room. I hand him a bottle of cold water.

“Thanks. The place looks so much better.” He says to me. He is wearing gym shorts, a muscle shirt and running shoes.

I smile at him. “How did you know what to wear?”

“I saw what you were wearing. I figured you were coming to either make me run or go to the gym.” He’s still showing me the ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude, but I press on.

“Which one do you prefer?”

“Let’s go to the gym. I’m not ready to start running. Maybe we can warm up with some exercises and then take a run.”

I look at him incredulously. “Well, I must say that I’m surprised that you are so complacent. I’m so not used to this side of you, Traxx.”

“Let’s just say I know how you girls can be. Too headstrong when you get your mind set on something. I don’t have the energy to deal with that right now.” I see a hint of a crooked smile start to show on his handsome face.

“You’ve got that right, ‘cause I wasn’t going to put up with your bullshit today.” I raise my eyebrows at him. “Now, start moving.” I start pushing him gently towards the door.

“Hey! You are manhandling me!” He says in a girly voice with a sarcastic tone.

“Don’t make me show you manhandle, I may be shorter than you but I can still take you!”

“Hmm… That sounds good! Promise?”

“Ugh! You are impossible today!” I look like I’m aggravated but in reality, I’m super happy that he is finally in a good mood.

We reach the car and after he gets in he pushes the seat all the way back. I forgot he’s got some long legs. “Do you have enough leg room?” I ask him.

“Yeah, it’ll do.” He suddenly gets serious. “Thanks.” He says to me in almost a whisper. I nod back at him. There’s no need to say anything else. I know why he’s thankful. Which means that what I’m doing is right, for now, at least.

 

Traxx

Seeing her in front of my door was like smelling sunshine in the early morning. Even though the sun is setting and night is approaching - even after everything that has been going on in my life - she still has that effect on me. As we walk to her car I realize that when I see her smile, it’s like the best high anyone can wish for. My heart rate accelerates, my stomach drops and nothing in the world seems to matter anymore. It all takes a backstage to her.

She’s anything and everything I will ever need. I recognize that now, but it’s too late for me to act on it. I’m all messed up and have done so many wrongs it will take a lifetime to right them all. The sad thing is that she has no idea of the way I feel towards her and I would never tell her. She deserves better. But if she wants to throw some ‘scraps’ of attention my way, I’m going to take them. I will
gladly
take them. These good memories will help me get my shit together later, during the times that I feel the pit of darkness calling for me.

She catches me looking at her. “Where is your head right now, Traxx?”

“Right here.”

“You look like you were anywhere but here.”

“Nah. Just thinking.”

“Okay. That’s a danger zone all on its own.” She laughs gently. “Why don’t you find me a song – did you bring your phone?”

I pull my phone out of my pocket and grab the plug she’s handing me. As I’m looking through my playlist I find a song that she is definitely not expecting. As soon as the clapping starts, she looks at me open mouthed and surprised.

“Oh, no! You didn’t!”

“Yes, I did!”

“I expected some hard rock, but this… you gonna have to sing with me now! I love ‘Uptown Funk’.”

“Oh, hells no! I’m not going to be one of those people…” And just as I say that, Ciara starts singing along to the upbeat music, and she is so happy it is contagious, so I start to play-dance like a maniac and she is singing – off key, as usual – but we definitely don’t care. By the end of the song, we are both singing and car dancing with the rhythm of the music until we pull up to the gym’s parking lot.

 

Ciara

“That was fun! Now, come on, champ. It’s time to get serious and pump some adrenaline through your body.”

“Do we have to?” He asks me with a sad face.

“What are you, five? Come on! The last one inside the gym will have to cook dinner tonight!” As soon as he realizes what I’ve said, he scrambles to get out of the car. Since I was already out, I slam the car door, turn around and book it towards the door of the gym, hearing him pounding the street behind me, but I’m in good shape and I give it all I’ve got, not daring to look back, finally reaching the door a mere few seconds before him.

“Dammit! Those little legs can move!” He says with a hint of a smile and it makes me giggle.

“This body has nothing but power!” I fan my hands from head to my knees and then point at him, “Don’t you forget it! And now you need to start thinking about what you will be cooking
us
for dinner.” He rolls his eyes at me as we enter the building.

We work our way around the machines, doing set reps and alternating between working our upper body and then the lower body. It’s a light workout, definitely not serious. Traxx’s mood has definitely improved, and that makes me happy. From time to time I notice Traxx giving others a dirty look, and I wonder what’s going on in his head. About forty five minutes later, we are sweaty and suffering from the ‘feel good’ kind of tired.

“Wanna jump on the treadmills for a little while? Or the ellipticals?” I ask him.

“I think my ass has been kicked around enough for one day – no elliptical. Let’s go to the treadmills.”

Since it’s a little late, the gym doesn’t seem as full as it was when we first got here, and we are lucky to find two treadmills side by side. The moment I step onto the treadmill’s belt, I notice one of my shoelaces is undone, and I get on my knee to tie it. Traxx gets on the treadmill next to mine and starts pushing the buttons to get it going. As I’m finishing with my shoelaces, I see a pair of very large feet stand in front of me. I follow the hairy legs, strong tattooed arms, huge torso, until I reach the face of perfection.

“Hi, Ciara. Remember me?”

“Blaze!” I stand up to give him a hug. Traxx looks back with a questioning look on his face. I choose to ignore him for a moment as I would like to see his reaction if I show some interest in a guy.

“How have you been?”

“Super busy. After college I started my own business creating custom computers and network systems for other companies.”

“Really? That’s awesome! I’m just finishing my graduate coursework and I’m working assisting Dr. Ramos, here in town until I finish.” He has come a long way from the hacker he used to be when we were in school. Even though he does not look like it, the guy has a genius IQ.

He gives me a once over, “You are looking just as pretty as I remember, tell me again why we stopped hanging out?”

I would have thought that Traxx’s neck was going to break by the way he moved it so fast in order to look at us. “Because we didn’t have any more classes together.”

“That should not have happened.”

“Blaze, don’t be silly. You were dating that girl, with the jeweled necklace tattooed on her neck, remember? Besides, we are better as friends anyway and you know it.”

He seems to think about it for a few seconds, “Oh, yeah… That was a few chicks ago.”

“I’m afraid to ask how many is a few, Mr. Casanova.” I smile at him.

“Well, it doesn’t mean that we can’t hang out sometime, as friends, of course.”

“Of course.” My eyes drift to Traxx, who’s stopping his treadmill and coming over to stand by my side.

“Hey Ciara, what’s up?” He nods towards Blaze.

“Hey, Traxx, meet my friend Blaze Debrecht. Blaze, this is my friend, Traxx Maxwell.” They shake hands and give each other a thorough check. Men, ugh! When I look at Traxx, he’s frowning.

“Are you ready to go, Ciara?” He sounds aggravated. I look at him curious to know what happened to change his mood.

Blaze looks at me and smiles. “Well, I was just going to get started on my daily routine workout.” He ‘bounces’ his pecs while looking at me. “Call me sometime, Ciara. I don’t have a business card on me, but you can google my company – Debrecht Systems – or find me through LinkedIn or Facebook.”

“Has your number changed since college, Blaze?”

“Nah, it’s still the same.”

“Then I think I still have it stored in my phone.” I smile at him.

“Good deal, then. Hope to hear from you soon.” Blaze winks at me then looks at Traxx and extends his arm out towards him. “Hey man, nice to meet you.”

Traxx nods his way while shaking Blaze’s hand, then looks at me. “Ready?”

“I guess so. I thought we were going to do the treadmill for a bit.”

“I don’t feel like it anymore.”

“Okay, let’s go.” We walk quietly towards the car. If he thinks he’s going to flip flop his moods without talking to me about it, he has another thing coming.

 

Traxx

We get in the car and I’m struggling to keep my irritation contained. The little exchange inside the gym was just a quick realization that there are other guys,
normal
guys who are going after Ciara. And here I am, trying to exorcise my very own demons, holding a place at the very end of that line. Why do I even think that I can compete? That I can pull my shit together in order to have a chance with her? For years I’ve wanted her to be mine, but I was always too chicken shit to give into this thing between us, to try and have a normal relationship, preferring to keep her as my close friend without stepping over the invisible line. And now, now it’s all fucked up. I’ve got to fix myself before I can pursue her like she deserves.

I don’t have to look her way to know that she is looking at me. Studying everything I say and everything I do. It’s unnerving. I love it when she does it, but still. No wonder I’m all fucked up – I’m a walking contradiction. The irritation comes back tenfold and I finally lose it.

“What?” I practically growl at her, but it doesn’t faze her, I can tell because her facial expression stays the same.

“Grouchy much? Obviously, something has crawled up your butt. If I didn’t know any better, I would put my money on Blaze talking to me being the cause of your current aggravation. Am I close?”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Then I lie. “Nope. Not even close.”

She turns her whole body towards me, and I wish she was already driving so she couldn’t put all her attention on me and read me like a book while I’m stuck inside this box on wheels with her. “Talk to me, Traxx. I care about you and it kills me that you hold everything in.”

“Please, let’s just go.”

Her mouth opens as if she is ready to say something, and I guess she thinks better of it because she closes her mouth and turns around to face the steering wheel. Putting the car in gear, she starts to pull out of the parking place when she hits the brakes and puts the gear back in park. “You need to learn to communicate what’s bothering you, you know? All the stuff that’s inside your head can make you or break you. If you don’t let them out, those things are only going to feel heavier and more difficult to handle. When you finally decide to let the barriers go, you will feel better. I promise.” She raises her hand and grabs my chin, forcing me to look at her. “Sometimes sharing your pain helps the hurt and the guilt become more bearable.
You
need to feel that way.
I need you
to feel that way.”

I choose not to answer. How can I tell her that over two years ago I met the one person that has captured my heart, but she’s too good, too perfect and I don’t deserve her? How do I tell her that I have wanted to be able to love her for years now, but that our own best friends don’t think I’m capable of feeling real love and all they thought was that I was going to hurt her? And that I have had to witness her being wooed by other guys who actually get to hug her, kiss her, hold her at night? On top of that, all I have at night is an empty bed and nightmares of a person I made feel so miserable, she decided to end her life instead of putting me out of my very own misery. How can I tell her all this? I just can’t. I can’t. It will make her realize how worthless I really am. I’m just not ready for her to know all of this.

Her voice softens, “I know it’s hard, but we need to start somewhere.”

We drive in silence and I can sense her patience waning down. My insides feel like a blender in high gear, mixing and pureeing all the feelings going through me, leaving nothing but a dark mush that nobody wants or cares for. I try to portray a calm state. I remember the breathing exercises Ciara taught me the other day, so I crack the window open and start to let the air in through my nose and out through my mouth.

I think she is able to pick up on my anxiety, and I can feel her hesitate before she asks me a question.

“Is it helping?”

“Yes.”
No. I’m too fucked up. I need you instead.

Closing my eyes, I concentrate on the fresh air coming through the window, the smells of the street – barbeque, saltiness of the nearby sea, tacos – I can ‘visually’ feel the blender that’s inside my body and mind starts to go into a lower gear, until it finally slows down to a stop.

“Yes, it helped.”

She smiles. “Good.” And changes the subject, “What are you cooking us for dinner? I’m starved. Do I need to stop by the store?”

“No, we are good. I think I have an idea of what to make.” I smile back at her and I’m grateful the darkness was not able to claim my soul this time.

 

 

We get to the apartments and as we round the stairs to the 2
nd
floor, she turns to look at me.

“I’m going to stop by my place and take a quick shower first. Then I’ll come eat dinner with you, okay?”

“Sure. See you in a bit.” I continued to climb the stairs to the third floor. I open the door to my apartment to find it empty. I sigh loudly and place the keys on the silver dish resting on top of the entry room table. It’s the same silver bowl that catches all kinds of things. I find myself wishing that this bowl could catch all my mixed up thoughts and feelings, so that I could just drop all my worries in it until another day that I’m ready to deal with all of it.

I go to my room and take my clothes off, leaving them right where they fall on the floor. I don’t even have the energy to pick them up. I look at my bed languidly, wishing I could just lay there and give in to the blackness once again. In the blackness there are no noises or voices, it’s quiet and I feel a little bit of peace, at least until Marcy invades my space. I shake my head from side to side and make the image go away – for now.

I walk to the bathroom and start the water. I turn it to the hottest setting possible. I step in and let the heat and steam take care of all my worries. Perhaps it’s time to put more hours into work. Maybe if I keep busy I will be able to put all of this aside. Although, I still won’t know what to do with the guilt. The guilt can be overwhelming. At times, guilt also turns to anguish. I wonder if Marcy felt this way. I take my scrubbing sponge and I place a sizeable amount of shower gel on it and after rubbing it in, I start to clean my skin. I scrub, and scrub, and scrub until my skin is completely red and somewhat swollen, but I still feel dirty – filthy. I can’t clean up because the filth is on the inside. It resides within me. I wonder if I bleed, would my blood be filthy black instead of the traditional red? For the briefest moment I contemplate exploring the color of my blood and how would it look like when it oozes outside my skin, after it makes contact with the air. Maybe the blood can reflect how I feel inside and if I let it out, everything bad will go out with it.

I’m in front of the mirror with the towel wrapped around my waist and I realize I don’t even know when I got out of the shower. I have my pocket knife on my right hand and a small cut on the inside of my left arm. A smooth breeze comes through and gently touches my skin, causing goose bumps. I look at the mirror once again and then I hear her, she’s calling my name, enticing me.
“Everything’s better in the dark. No one can find you here.”
Marcy whispers in my ear on a daily basis.

Dropping the knife in the sink, I clean the cut and cover it with an extra-large Band-Aid that I find under the bathroom cabinets. I take a step away from the mirror and walk back into the bedroom to take out something to wear. As soon as I put on a t-shirt and pull up my shorts, I hear the doorbell. Thank goodness she’s here. My own little piece of sunshine. I know that while she’s here I won’t have to worry about Marcy, because Marcy only comes around when I’m alone.

“Coming!” I yell, loud and clear towards the hallway. I comb my hair with my fingers, once, twice and wipe my hands on my shorts as I walk towards the front door. Before I open it, I take a deep breath and push down all the crazy things that are swarming inside of me. “Perfect timing! I just got out of the shower, too. Please come in.” Ciara steps in, dressed in yoga pants, a tank top, and wet hair.
Fuck me
. She has no makeup and she’s simply beautiful.

“You clean up good, Traxx.” Her face has a happy smile while she’s looking at me.

“I could say the same about you. You not only clean up good, but you smell great, it reminds me of wildflowers… Remember couple of years back at my Uncle Logan’s land? When we ran across a tall field full of red flowers and we all got off the 4-wheelers and were trying to take pictures and selfies and you girls were freaking out because you thought a snake was going to bite you? Remember?”

“Yes! And then Colton screamed bloody murder and ran out of the field screaming ‘something bit me!’ and us girls started to scream like crazy and jump all over the place until we were able to climb on top of the vehicles – we were scared shitless!”

“Bahahaha! Yeah! And we have pictures to prove your valiant efforts that day!” I start to poke her on her side, tickling her, and she’s laughing and trying to walk away from me. All of a sudden, it hits me – like a cinder block encounters a glass window: abruptly, frantically and heavily. I have a tender feeling all over me, making me want to hold on to Ciara and keep her close to me. I want to feel her skin next to mine. I want my lips to find hers. I want, I want…
I want her.
I haven’t wanted anyone in weeks. Hell, it’s been months. Why now? Why her? The one person who deserves better than me. I’m nothing but fucked up. My mind and my life are in pieces. No one’s going to want to share the burden I carry, this affliction that I can’t shake because it’s rapidly becoming a part of me. Would she want me? No... NO! She deserves better. I have nothing to offer her. Nothing but broken and unmatched pieces of my so-called life.

The realization is like a gallon of cold ice water poured on top of my head. It makes me stop in my tracks immediately. Ciara frowns and looks at me. I don’t know what to do with this information. I can’t process it at this moment, so I file it away in my mind, to pull out later and try to make sense of it. I catch her looking at me, and I quickly turn around and head into the kitchen. I force the mask to come down and cover the real thoughts going through my mind.

“How about breakfast for dinner? I can make pancakes or breakfast tacos. Do you have a preference?”

“Mmm, let’s go with pancakes. And bacon. Please tell me you have bacon or sausage?”

“Yes! I have bacon… And I have sausage, but I’m not sure you want
this
very special kind of sausage right now.” Looking at her, I wiggle my eyebrows as I take the bacon out of the fridge, and pull out the box of pancake mix, milk, and eggs out of the fridge. Turning towards the cabinets, I find a flat griddle.

“Gross!” She says while she smiles. Is that a bit of red on her cheeks? Ha! I’m going to remember this tidbit for later. I don’t think I have ever seen Ciara Collins blush before.

“What happened to your arm?”

I don’t need to look to know she’s asking about my self-inflicted wound. “It’s nothing. Just a scratch.” Then I give her my most charming smile hoping she drops the subject.

She looks at me – through me – causing me to purse my lips into a very tight line. I think she gets it because she nods and changes the subject. Good, at least for now.

I proceed to cook for her and we engage in mindless conversation for the rest of the night. Before she leaves, she tries to convince me to go with her to a “surprise” outing next weekend, of course, I want none of it. All I want is to wallow in my sorrow, alone.

“I don’t like surprises,” I tell her for the fifth time, but it’s falling once again on deaf ears.

“You would like this one. I promise!”

“What and where is the surprise?”

“Well, if I tell you, it won’t be much of a surprise, will it?”

She’s absolutely excited over this, and since it’s impossible to continue to deny her, I amusingly agree. Even though I know what I really need to be doing is walking away, far away from her. Away from
this
, but I can’t, I just can’t. The world’s a much darker place when she’s not around. Then, I hear it. Deep inside the psyche of my mind, I can also feel it happening. A little piece of my dismantled life moves against its will and falls back in place – exactly where it belonged. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.

 

BOOK: Dismantled (Girls on Top #2)
4.51Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

Imperial Guard by Joseph O'Day
Mrs. Jeffries Defends Her Own by Emily Brightwell
Jinxed by Beth Ciotta
The Denver Cereal by Claudia Hall Christian
Candle Flame by Paul Doherty
Dirty Fire by Earl Merkel
A Bid For Love by Michelle Houston