Don't Let Me Go (6 page)

“Oh, my,” Mrs. Hinman said. “I can’t imagine why you would do a thing like that.”

“I just didn’t want to see them put this poor little girl in the system.”

Then Mrs. Hinman looked at Grace, who was just standing there, near Rayleen’s legs, and said, “Maybe we should talk about this some other time.”

But Rayleen said, “No. I don’t see it that way. I think people do too much of that. Keeping things from kids because it might upset them. This is her life we’re talking about. I think she has a right to hear. Anyway. I can take her to school before I have to be at work in the morning, but I need somebody to pick her up.”

“Why don’t you ask Mr. Lafferty?”

Rayleen snorted. Really. Snorted. Grace thought it sounded funny, but it was clear that this was not a funny situation in any other way besides the snort, so she was careful not to laugh.

“That nasty man? I don’t want a guy like that anywhere near Grace. He’s mean and he’s rude and he’s bigoted, and I don’t like him one bit.”

Mrs. Hinman leaned in and whispered, “He wouldn’t be bigoted against
her
.”

“That’s not the point. The point is, she shouldn’t have to be around somebody like that.” Then, to Grace, Rayleen said, “I’m not so sure about Mr. Lafferty. Do you know him?”

“I think so. He’s the one who doesn’t like Felipe, right?”

“That sounds about right. See, I’m not sure he’s the right person.”

“Why don’t you ask Felipe? Or Billy?” Grace asked cheerfully.

“Billy? Who’s Billy?”

“You know. Billy. Our other neighbor. On the first floor.”

“Across the hall from me? You know him?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Well, nobody knows him. I’ve never even seen him. I’ve lived here for six years, and I’ve never once seen him. I’ve never seen him go out, and I’ve never seen anybody go in. I heard he even has his groceries delivered. How do you know him?”

“I just do. We just talk.”

“Felipe might be a good idea,” Rayleen said. “Yeah. Maybe we should ask Felipe.”

“But who will look after her until you come home?” Mrs. Hinman asked.

Rayleen’s face went soft, like she was sad and scared all at the same time, like she was about to have to beg for something very important.

“I was hoping
you
would.”

“Oh, well. I don’t know about
that
.”

And Grace, sensing the importance of the moment, jumped in and said, “
Please
, Mrs. Hinman,
please
? I’ll be really good, and I’ll even try to be quiet, and it’s only for a little while anyway, until my mom gets better.”

“I’m sure you would be very good, honey,” Mrs. Hinman said, “but I’m afraid that’s not the point. I’m just not the right person to watch you. I’m too old, and I haven’t got enough energy.”

Just before Rayleen got up from the couch, Mrs. Hinman took her by one sleeve, pulled her closer and whispered something in her ear. But Grace could hear it just fine. Why did people always do that? Did they think she was deaf? Grace had very good ears, but nobody seemed to know that about her.

What Mrs. Hinman said was this: “It’s not your problem. And you’re only going to make it worse. And you’re just postponing the inevitable, anyway.”

Rayleen yanked her arm away, pulling her sleeve out of Mrs. Hinman’s fingers. She never answered. She took Grace’s hand, and left without saying anything more.

Just at the door Grace said, “Now can we order the pizza?”

But it turned out that first they had to talk to Felipe.

There’s always one more thing you have to do, Grace thought, downhearted now, before they let you order the pizza.

• • •

The minute he opened up the door, Rayleen said, “Felipe. Are you OK?”

And Felipe said, “Sure. Why?”

“You look terrible. Are you sure you’re OK?”

“You look sad,” Grace added in that big voice of hers.

And then, suddenly, just when Grace said that, it looked as though Felipe was trying to hold back from crying. Grace was pretty sure of what she saw, but at the same time figured she might be wrong, because he was a big grown-up man, and big grown-up men didn’t cry. Well, probably didn’t. Actually, Grace wasn’t sure. She just knew she’d never seen such a thing. Big grown-up ladies did, every now and then, but not so much men; at least, not so far as she knew. But it seemed to be happening that way now, so it was worth thinking some more about it.

Felipe swiped at his eyes with one hand, then squeezed them shut, hard, like they were hurting him, and rubbed them.

“Damn allergies,” he said. “Drives me crazy. Come in, come in. Gotta talk fast, though, because I’m just getting ready for work.”

But Rayleen didn’t go in, and so Grace didn’t, either. Grace thought maybe it was because of what Felipe had said about needing to go to work, or maybe because he was sad, but she wasn’t sure. So she just did the safe thing, which of course was simply to do what the grown-up in charge seemed to be doing.

“We came to ask you a favor,” Grace called out, rather cheerfully.

“We did,” Rayleen said. “So, you don’t work construction in the day any more?”

“No. No, I got a better job. In a restaurant. Actually doesn’t pay as well, but it’s steady. I needed something steady. What’s the favor?”

“I was hoping you’d pick Grace up at school for a few days.”

“Oh. Sure. I could do that.” Then his face changed, as if he had only just thought of something troublesome. “Oh. No. No. I take it back. I couldn’t. I’m sorry. Wish I could. I’d help if I could. But it’s that guy across the hall. He’d make trouble for me. I know he would. Few days ago, I got down on one knee and asked Grace why she wasn’t in school — that’s all I did — and he practically had me on a prison bus to the state pen over it.”

“Shit. Damn it. That guy is such an asshole,” Rayleen said. Then she looked down at Grace suddenly, as if only just remembering that Grace was standing right there. “Oh. Sorry, Grace.”

“I’ve heard those words before, you know,” Grace said.

After all, it’s not like she was a baby.

“Well, I’m sorry you heard them from me. Listen. Felipe. What if I could smooth things out with Lafferty?”

“Um…”

“Just let me try, OK? If you were really sure he wouldn’t interfere, then you’d do it?”

“Sure, I don’t mind getting her from school for a few days. But then who’s gonna take care of her until you get home? I mean, what do I do with her then, just leave her in her own apartment? Because I gotta get ready for work pretty soon after that.”

Rayleen’s forehead furrowed, even more than it had been furrowed all along, or, at least, all along since that phone call.

“We’re working on that,” she said. “The only thing I know right now is that she can’t be alone. Which includes being in her apartment with just her mom. She’s got to be with somebody all the time.”

“Billy!” Grace chimed in. “Let’s ask Billy!”

“Who’s Billy?” Felipe asked.

“Our other neighbor!”

Then Rayleen took over and said, “Grace claims she knows the guy who lives across from me downstairs.”

“You’re kidding. Nobody knows that guy. I didn’t even know it was a guy. I’ve lived here three years, and I’ve never seen nobody come or go from there. I thought maybe it was just an empty apartment.”

“It’s not,” Grace said. “Billy lives there.”

“How do you know him?”

“I just do. We just talk. I know all kinds of things about him. He used to be a dancer. And a singer and an actor, but now he’s not. And his name is Billy Shine, but his mother didn’t give him that name. She gave him the first name — I think Ronald or Douglas — and his last name was Fleinsteen, but he changed it because Fleinsteen wasn’t a dancer’s name. I have no idea how he knows what is and what isn’t — a dancer’s name, I mean — but he says you can just know stuff like that. He’s very nice.”

Felipe looked at Rayleen, and Rayleen looked at Felipe, and Grace looked at both of them. She could tell they were trying to decide whether to believe her or not, though she had no idea what was so hard to believe about knowing Billy.

“I think Grace has a very active imagination,” Rayleen said.

“I do!” Grace said. “I definitely do. I know so, because everybody tells me so. Everybody says that.”

“Anyway,” Rayleen said, this time to Felipe. “We just haven’t worked all the bugs out of that after school thing. But Lafferty…you just let me take care of Lafferty, OK?”

“Yeah. Sure. Let me know how that goes. But…sorry, but…I should prob’ly get ready for work.”

“Oh. Right. Of course. I’m sorry. We’ll leave you alone to get ready, now.”

“Bye, Felipe!” Grace shouted.

“Bye, Felipe,” Rayleen added, more downbeat.

Then he closed the door.

When they’d started walking down the hall together, Grace said, “I don’t think Felipe has allergies. I mean, maybe he does. I’m not saying he doesn’t, because how would I know? I’m saying I’m pretty sure he was sad, and I think he was crying, and I think maybe he just said allergies so we wouldn’t know.”

“Maybe,” Rayleen said, but she sounded like she was thinking about something else entirely.

“I don’t really like it when people see me cry, either, except maybe my mom, because I’ve been crying in front of her since I was a baby. But, like, at school, I hate that worse than anything. If I started to cry over something at school, and some of the other kids saw me, I’d do what Felipe did and lie about it. I know I would. I’m gonna have to remember that, actually. Allergies. That’s a good one.”

And Rayleen said, “I have to think where you can be while I talk to that Lafferty guy.”

“Jake,” Grace said. “I think his name is Jake, and also, why can’t I come?”

“Because it might get ugly.”

“So? I’ve seen things get ugly before, you know.”

Grace knew Rayleen wasn’t paying very good attention, but instead was all caught up in something she was thinking in her head, the way grown-ups almost always are. Usually they’re not listening at all, especially not to kids.

“And I have to think who’ll take care of you after school,” she said.

So Grace said, “Let’s ask Billy,” because, no matter how many times she said that, she couldn’t seem to get it to stick in Rayleen’s head.

“I’m not so sure about that,” Rayleen said.

“But he’s really nice. And we know he’ll be home. Because he’s always home.”

“Well, that’s a hard point to argue.”

“I know why Mrs. Hinman and Felipe don’t want to look after me,” Grace said. “I know what they told us, but I also know the real reason why not. It’s because they don’t like me.”

They were all the way downstairs when Grace said it, walking down the hall towards Rayleen’s apartment, because that seemed to be where they were going to stay for a while, at least until Rayleen figured out if Grace got to go along on this Mr. Lafferty thing. But when Grace said what she said, Rayleen stopped.

She was still holding Grace’s hand, except Grace wasn’t sure why, because it’s not like they were crossing the street or something. There’s not too much trouble you can get into walking down a hall, at least, not that she knew of. Grace thought it was because Rayleen was upset and figured Grace must be upset, too, only Grace wasn’t very upset. Or maybe Rayleen just wanted somebody to hold her hand, and Grace was the only one around to do it.

Anyway, whatever the reason, Rayleen stopped, and she looked down, shocked, like Grace had just said something terrible. Like she’d said a bad word or something, but Grace went over everything she’d said, really fast in her head, and there were no bad words in it.

“Why would you say a thing like that, Grace?”

“Because it’s the truth.”

“Why wouldn’t they like you?”

“Well, I’m not really sure, but I know some people don’t. I think maybe they don’t like me because they think I’m too loud, because people tell me all the time that I’m too loud, and they say it like it’s a thing they don’t like. And maybe, I think, sometimes people like kids because they don’t have to spend too much time with them, and can just say a few things to the kid and then send them right back to their mom. So I think maybe people don’t like me as much now that my mom isn’t such an easy person to send me back to.”

She kept looking at Rayleen’s face while she was saying all this, and Rayleen’s face still had that terrible look, like Grace was breaking her heart, but she didn’t really know why, because it was just the truth.

“I’m sure everybody likes you.”

And Grace said, “No, not everybody.” But Rayleen looked so miserable that Grace decided to change the subject, because she didn’t like making people miserable, at least, not if she could help it. So she said, “Do
you
like me?” And then, as soon as she’d said it, she realized it wasn’t really as far from the subject as she thought it ought to be.

“Of course I do.”

“What do you like about me?”

But, you know what? Rayleen couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, I don’t really know you very well. Yet. Later I’ll get to know you better, and then I’m sure I’ll be able to tell you lots of things I like about you. Tons. I’m sure.”

“So you really
don’t
like me. Yet. You just don’t exactly
not
like me.”

“No, I do. I definitely do. I just need more time knowing you before I can give you all the reasons why.”

“I like
you
. And I know why, too. It’s because you’re letting me order pizza.” Grace thought it might be wise to bring up the pizza, just to make extra-sure it hadn’t been forgotten. “And because, out of all the people who saw me sitting on the stairs, you’re the only one who decided to help me.”

Grace waited. But Rayleen didn’t say anything. She didn’t even start walking again. They were still just standing there, in the middle of the hall, holding hands. It was almost as though some big wind came along and stole all Rayleen’s words or something.

So, since somebody had to say something, Grace said, “Let’s go talk to Billy.”

And Rayleen got unstuck then, and she said, “OK. Yeah. Let’s do that. I’d like to meet this friend of yours.”

“And then pizza,” Grace said.