Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (16 page)

After the medical staff gives you the thumbs-up, they generally flop the baby onto Mommy and clear out. If the grandparents are present, sober, and not ex-cons, let them hold the baby. You most likely will need their free caregiving services in the future. Often all the attention goes to Baby, while Mom, who just went through the equivalent of passing an eight-pound watermelon, sits all alone. If you plan on sticking with her, or if you just want to keep the child-support payments slightly lower after your divorce, hold her hand and give her some love. Your child doesn’t even know who you are right now, so she won’t hold it against you.

As for the kind of love you haven’t had for a few weeks and yearn to give your BMP, sorry, Charlie, it’s not going to happen for a while yet. Unless you’re strictly a north-side daddy, you just witnessed another human emerge from the same zip code you used to use for your sexual pleasure. Not to kill your dream, but things on that side of town are going to need a few weeks to get back to normal after your love child passed through. Your gratification is once more on hold and is quite possibly, um, in your own hands.

You’ve made it through the birth, God willing, with a healthy baby who will be happy until you ruin his life. We can worry about that last part later. Now that the main event is over, it’s time to navigate the all-important post-birthing process. Please listen carefully. First and foremost, let the baby go to the nursery as much as possible. Erase the guilt by reminding yourself that you will need every second of sleep you can muster to be at the highest alertness level in the care of your bundle of joy. The hospital staff is professional and equipped to handle anything that comes up, and you probably are not. So let Junior hang out with you and your BMP for a few hours at a time, but then send Junior to the nursery. This may be your last chance to sleep for more than four continuous hours for the next few years, so enjoy it.

Next, you’ll be receiving a visit from La Leche League. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It’s unconfirmed that these people are the modern offshoot of the Nazi party.
Do not
by any means leave your partner alone for this experience. These people are only slightly less dedicated to breastfeeding than suicide bombers are to their cause. They will use
any
means necessary to achieve their goal, which is to get the mother of your child to breastfeed. They will use guilt as their primary weapon. As their fanatical website is happy to inform you, breastfeeding leaves no carbon footprint. Take their information for what it’s worth, and if they get too aggressive, leave a carbon footprint on their ass as you kick them out of your room. You and your child’s mother, but mostly your child’s mother, will make a decision in the breast-versus-bottle-controversy.

In a post-delivery world, you’ll want to get the wonderful news out. All of those donors — otherwise known as friends and relatives — who contributed by purchasing carefully selected gifts will want to be in the know as soon as possible. News spreading will usually come in two separate waves.

The first wave is close friends and family, who will want to be informed of the miraculous miracle of life as soon as you know about it. If you want to spare yourself many finger-numbing dials, and further spare yourself the repetitive Q&A, I strongly recommend you hire a service to leave a message in an impersonal, robotic voice: “(BEEP). This is not a telemarketing call, an unwanted solicitation, or a collection agency. James Earl Pfeiffer was born October 18 at 7:43
A.M.
and weighed in at. . . .” If, for some odd reason, you find this approach too impersonal, I guess you could do what everyone else is doing and start a Facebook page for everything birth related. Although it’s not as bizarre as the telemarketing-like recording (although still fun), you do get to play God by carefully considering whether you want to accept Aunt Judy’s “friend request” because, frankly, her gift sucked. Plus, you get to post information and pictures without really having to speak or interact with anyone. Who doesn’t love the digital age?

The second wave comes when you inform people outside your close friends and family. This includes third cousins and Uncle Bernard. Of course, you will also need to notify your bosses and coworkers. Someone such as your boss’s assistant can handle the internal dissemination of the news of a successful birth. One simple call or e-mail, and everyone gets the word. This is good because it proves to your boss once and for all that you weren’t faking this pregnancy thing for a little extra vacation time, and everyone from the lowly interns to upper management will know about the new addition to your family.

Back to those pesky friends and family. They just won’t give up, will they? You will be required by social contract to create a birth announcement, created from an unflattering picture of your recently arrived child, whose face bears a bewildered look after being ripped from his or her home.

Stick with me here: this is for your own good. Fatherhood is a huge change for men. After losing our virginity and winning our first legal wager for more than $5, it’s probably the most transformational moment for us. Most guys never know what hit them. There they are, going along with their life, and then bam. The Fatherhood Smack-Down. Well, if you’ve made it this far, you deserve full disclosure.

Becoming a father is both the most rewarding and the most challenging job you could ever sign up for. The pay is lousy, and the hours are roughly equivalent to all day, every day, for the foreseeable future. Fatherhood is one of the experiences in life that you cannot possibly prepare for. It’s also one of those unique life experiences where there is no one right answer. There’s no manual to outline what to do in certain situations. You have to make it up as you go along.

Are you ready for all of this? I know I had no idea what I was getting into. Maybe that was a good thing. During the pregnancy is a good time to start getting involved in your unborn child’s life. A new member of your family is coming soon. Parenting is no simple matter. Whether you notice that the third-most-popular article on a pregnancy and parenting website is “Drinking Alcohol While Nursing” or you missed Tyra’s special on “Soccer Moms Who Smoke Pot,” you’ll quickly get the idea that you’re not the only one who feels overwhelmed.

What have you done in preparation for this? Done any reading? Taken any classes? Do you have a plan? If you don’t stick your nose in there and get involved, it will be easy for your BMP to run the show as you fade into the background. So take a few minutes to think about it. How are you going to make sure you and Junior bond? Planning to take your child on a special one-on-one scheduled activity is a great start. Mom gets a break and you stay involved. Seek out another father, or even
your
father, and see if you can learn anything.

What you’re really getting to work on is worrying less about yourself and more about what your family needs. These needs may be somewhat mutually exclusive. You need to get that fancy sports car you’ve dreamed about. The family needs to get a larger car to transport everyone. You and your BMP need some alone time to rekindle the bow-chica-wow-wow. The baby needs to be fed every couple of hours, and rocked and held in the middle of the night. It’s an extremely tough row to hoe, but it needs to be done.

The books she’s reading are about her, the baby, and then her again. Who’s thinking about you? I hope it’s your BMP, although she has a lot of changes going on as well. One simple recommendation is to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Know what you need to take care of yourself, to keep yourself engaged in your life as a father and husband, and to have balance with your work and social life (just kidding — your social life is over). Having a child can be very stressful to your relationship. The child-centric families of today have helped develop the dissatisfied spouses of tomorrow.

As your beloved surfs the web, she’ll come across many women who’ve written advice articles for their sisters. It’s a mixed bag of advice at best. But there’s a definite subsection of these articles, blogs, and opinions that are about as unbiased as Fox News. They often promote women for women, with a not-so-subtle undercurrent of men being the lesser of the two parents. Some go as far as to characterize men as clueless in general. (So I guess I should cancel “Stogies and Poker” as the baby-shower theme?) You’re often placed at the lowest spot in the pecking order by the “experts” and “advice givers” out there. Does a man put his family first? He must. But one of the best ways to be a strong father and partner is to make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well as your family. It’s walking a tightrope and requires some retraining (6
A.M.
run, anyone?), but it
can
be done if you put in the effort.

Having children seems to have a way of shining a harsh light on any problems you and your BMP might be having. If you argue about money, things will only get tighter. If you argue about frequency of sexual interest, the two of you are only going to be more exhausted and less interested. And if you can never seem to have enough time in a day to get everything done, the time will only get more precious. This stress can lead to problems if it’s not managed correctly. And there’s a uniquely male problem: we need to find out exactly who this new person, “Dad,” is — this person we’ve become.

For new dads, the hardest part is finding the correct role to play. Breadwinner? Mr. Mom? Clueless father? It won’t be easy, but you have to find your role and define for yourself how you’re going to take part in your child’s life. You’re going from being defined as someone’s son to being someone’s father. Don’t think it’s as easy as pouring your coffee into a World’s Greatest Dad cup and you’re ready to go.

Let’s face the facts, men. We find ourselves in difficult times. Men are torn between worlds. Our traditional role has been pretty solidified for many years. The majority of the time we’re still expected to earn an equal or greater share of the money to support our growing family. That’s how men take care of their family. But at the same time, our involvement in parenting has grown. This is a good thing. We have greater enjoyment of our families as well as deeper relationships with our children. But there are very few men for whom the lesser financial role is an option. In many people’s minds, stay-at-home dad translates to unemployed dad. A father with a lower-earning job can be seen as a lesser man in some way. Not only does society at large promote this viewpoint, but we ourselves place this stigma on each other. So let’s take a minute to redefine what it means to be Dad. Next time you meet a man whose primary role may be caregiver, remember that it’s okay. Because if we’re to be judged, as a father and a man, by the number of zeros on our paycheck, I have demands. I want immediate reinstatement of fedoras, the Rat Pack, lunch martinis, and weekly poker night, complete with cigars and gin and tonics. I personally prefer Thursdays.

• Read up on all the birth options. Learn about all the different delivery methods there are.
  
• Daddy, you have a big decision to make: are you going to cut the cord?
  
• After the birth, there are a few things you can do to make everything a little easier. First and foremost, let the trained professionals care for your child in the nursery so you and Mom can get some well-deserved sleep.
  
• Once you return home, you will want to get right on those birth announcements.
  
• As we have discussed, your life is about to undergo many changes. Coming home with a new baby is the sure sign those changes are starting.
  
• To be an effective parent, sometimes you have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
  
• Just as you need to take care of yourself, you should strive to keep a strong relationship with your BMP. It’s your love that brought this child into the world, and it’s your love that will make sure the child is raised correctly.