Read Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! Online
Authors: John Pfeiffer
Tags: #HEALTH & FITNESS / Pregnancy & Childbirth, #HUMOR / Topic / Marriage & Family, #FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / Fatherhood
Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (3 page)
Trial and error has proven the best way to go here. You can each tell one friend, as friends can share in your excitement, and you’ll have someone new to discuss this grand news with. Yes, this is more for her benefit, as most guys will exchange fist bumps and then get back to sports or the stock market.
It’s about time to release the hounds. Tweet, Facebook, e-mail, go for it all, as long as you both agree to it. If you want to, have a baby shower . . . more on that later. But back to some of the more creative methods to alert friends and family of your BMP’s condition:
- Feeling nostalgic? Plaster “Baby on Board” stickers all over your house and car.
- Give your parents and/or in-laws a “World’s #1 Grandparent” T-shirt, and watch them smile.
- Even the dimmest family members will get it when you ply them with copies of the ultrasound photo; e-mail them the website link or wrap up a printout in a gift box.
There is also the matter of the family hierarchy, something you’ll need to consider to prevent hurt feelings on the part of friends or family. Let’s say that during a chance meeting at the mall you blurt out the good news to a friend you happen to run into. This seems harmless, because it came from the excitement you’ve been feeling. Right? Unfortunately, this is incorrect. Let’s say this was a lesser friend, who tells one of your BMP’s best friends over the phone two weeks later. Guess who the bad guy is? This example can be directly applied to all family. If you happen to be eating dinner with an aunt who’s in town for work, and you informed her before your own sister . . . there’s going to be drama. Hurt feelings and flaring tempers ensue. Relatives in Atlanta call in to
The Bert Show
to tell much of the Southeast how inconsiderate you are. Perhaps this is why most people seem to favor a simple, drama-free strategy such as telling future grandparents first, and sending out a mass e-mail of the ultrasound to everyone else. It might seem less personal than spreading the news to friends and family one by one, but it’s simple and effective. You’re off the hook.
Men are men. This simple and absurd statement can be exhaustively analyzed until your head spins, and I plan to do just that. Men, you and I are simply men: the stereotypical man. Some of the expectations that come with being the stereotypical man? He is indestructible, is weakened only by kryptonite, can fly, and is a poor communicator.
We tend to keep things, such as problems or concerns we’re having, to ourselves. Our role upon entering manhood initiation was to carry all burdens that were given to us and never discuss our feelings. Ever. So, because communication is such an important part of any adult relationship, especially including ones involving a baby, we need some solid help from the women in our lives.
Staying informed is one thing women as a whole execute better than we do. They organize and analyze. They have so much information available to and targeted at them, it would be hard for any female with an Internet connection not to be a well-informed pregnant lady. But I was thinking of what old dads (like me) would tell a newly minted pregnant mother (your BMP) about how to help the newest daddy on the block (you) during this time of adjustment for everyone. See if you can get her to read this section. Try leaving the book open on her pillow or telling her you want to swap pregnancy books with her. While you’re fake-reading her book, watch her read this one and see her reaction. If this section gets you into trouble, you can always claim you haven’t read this far and disagree with everything I’ve written.
Better yet, use this as an excuse to discuss some of these things that might not be easily covered over the course of normal day-to-day conversation. (It’s quite possible I’m pulling some sort of triple-reverse-psychology trick on you, and I’m going to tell you things for your own good.)
Here are some things you may have trouble saying to your BMP; I’m going to say them for you:
The whole baby thing is taking place inside the mother, and physically, she’s undergoing the most changes. But with everything so focused on Mommy, Dad sometimes can feel like the sperm donation was the key part for him to play. Doctor’s visits, admiring the baby bump — of course that’s where most of the focus will be. But many of these items do not directly involve your man, and they’re not natural activities that he’s going to dive right into. It can all add up to a dad who isn’t feeling connected to the baby right up through the whole birth process.
So BMPs, encourage Dad-to-be to make himself heard, and whether it feels natural or not, to get in there and participate. Ask him to vote for yellow over green for the nursery, and get him to read this and other pregnancy books, go to birthing class, and do whatever it takes to keep him from being swept off the map. It’s an adjustment for him, but with so much of the focus being placed on the baby, and rightfully so, new dads are sometimes lost in the shuffle and disengage from the process like Maverick in
Top Gun
.
There, I said it. And I’m not taking it back. Dealing with a pregnant woman can be like dealing with an unhappy person with multiple-personality disorder. It seems like there are many personalities in there and we can’t switch gears fast enough to keep up. To hang tough, your guy needs to know that the woman he loves is in there somewhere. How can you show that? The easiest answer is to do something that the two of you used to do together. But don’t be afraid to break away from the herd. You two are beginning a totally new type of relationship, so you may want to dream up a new activity accordingly. Go have dinner and declare the conversation to be baby-free. Although most people look at children as the glue to a family, it’s actually a strong relationship between the parents that matters most. Keep up the required maintenance on your relationship, and make sure all the parts of the relationship are running smoothly. (Yes, I just compared your relationship to cars.) Point your man to websites dedicated to pregnant women, where he’ll discover useful information (as well as how the idea that pregnant women are allowed to say or ask just about anything from us gets perpetuated).
Ladies, if you’ve done your homework, you know the risk of depression that women can face around pregnancy and parenthood. Men are at risk as well. A new study shows that up to 15 percent of men suffer from postpartum depression. And that’s only the number of wimps who are actually willing to admit it. Between the emotional and financial stress and friends and family focusing on the glowing mom or the arriving baby, Dad is out of the spotlight. He is treated like an old dog; just throw him a few bones of attention and he’ll lie down contentedly for a nap. But when he gets the “just a sperm donor” treatment, it’s a tough adjustment.
Let’s not forget that post-birth depression is not only for women. Finally, something we can share! Unfortunately, after Junior comes home, both Mom and Dad can feel overloaded, unsure, and exhausted. Despite what the pharmaceutical industry says, no magic pill can make it pass (if you disagree, ignore my advice and go see a doctor). But talking it out (I know, we men hate to do this) and trying to stay as rested and healthy as possible are good first lines of defense.
A note to women: he’s not used to sharing you. He’s used to getting most of your love and attention, and whenever possible, a little extra something-something from you. On a personal level, he wants to know he’s still your special guy. He is losing your attention pre-birth, and he’s sure to lose it post-birth. So be creative, and spend some time just with him. Give him a week where he’s the only one who gets to touch the baby bump. Be flexible and take him to Vegas. Okay, maybe that’s going too far. But you need to work together to keep each other happy.
He’s worried because he knows that the new family member not only takes away some of your time and attention but also affects your sex life.
Please take note: sex is very important to most men. Can this be stressed enough? Don’t get me wrong; your man will enjoy having a baby and will be excited. It’s just that part of his relationship with you has this most enjoyable special form of interaction. So please don’t forget about it, because he didn’t.
All of those things that pregnant women need to do before their guilt overwhelms them — like eat healthier and exercise? Make him go along with you. Everything is easier with a friend, and if you and your man are creating a child together, you at least qualify as friends, and will remain so. Oh, and you’re giving me a T, as in T-E-A-M, because you’re in this together and need to help each other out. You will need each other to play different roles through this new challenge. Some days you’ll need to motivate each other, some days you’ll need to complain to each other, and some days you’ll just need to play straight up “boss and secretary” with each other. But whatever each day brings, you’ll always need each other.
I can’t believe I’m saying this after all those times when I didn’t feel like talking about something. But it has to be done. Since guys don’t call each other up and chit-chat about how being a father makes them
feel
or about their
fears
(just so you know, we have none), it’s up to you, a VIP BMP, to pull this stuff out of your man and make him discuss it. Because hey, he’s got worries too, or at least he will when he stops and realizes what having a baby means to your lives. So unless you have the rare man who begins a conversation with, “Hey, honey, I have some concerns about what having a baby together will mean to our relationship and our lives together,” he may need you to get the ball rolling.
This may be an understatement. Most men certainly don’t think about our plan, and then think again about our plan, and then plan to further plan. Unlike the baby, some of his thoughts and last-second plans are poorly conceived. You, the BMP, may have read three articles and changed your opinion on an issue twice before you ask him. He usually thinks for about two to three seconds, and gives you his best guess. So please work with him on these conversations and try to avoid ambushing him with questions like, “What will we do if our new daughter has trouble making friends with other children?” Ummm, he doesn’t know. And he hasn’t thought about it, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. If this rule seems to work in the child arena, test it out in other parts of the relationship as well.
Dads are committed to being good parents, but in today’s world it can be difficult to reconcile his mental image of himself as a strong, virile man while he’s pushing a stroller decorated with bunnies, carrying a pink diaper bag, and holding the door open for other fathers on his way into baby yoga class. It can make him feel slightly less than manly, and all of these activities can also make him late for his facial and body waxing. So while he needs to work on being more sensitive to the myriad changes you’re experiencing, his big lumbering male ego will need a tune-up as well.
Please, please let us know that while the frequency may be greatly reduced, there will still be post-pregnancy time for you to feed him buffalo wings while dressing suggestively and painting his toenails while he watches football. (Wait, maybe I’m all alone on toenail painting.) But you can work something out to ensure that you do fun and special things together after Junior becomes part of the family. Leave your man a note with your perfume on it, with only a date, and no explanation. Send a calendar reminder to his e-mail or electronic calendar that says, “Human Resources Training: Sexual Harassment,” and then show him how to break all the policies in the employee handbook. This might just start a playful back and forth that will keep the relationship fun for everyone.
Ok. Thanks for taking the time to hear us out. Off you go, and let Dad back in the saddle. . . . Is that you? Glad you’re back. Now let’s get to it.
Here’s the good news: it’s time for some bondage. Don’t worry, your BMP will be thrilled you’re so into it, and it’s been proven to be good for your unborn child. Here’s the bad news: we aren’t talking about doing strange things in the bedroom with fuzzy purple handcuffs; we’re talking about bonding with your BMP and your unborn child. For guys, bonding with an unborn child can be difficult, especially in the first few months, when you can’t see any visible signs that the child exists.
Bonding with your woman should be easy enough. You’ve already explored one form of bonding to get here. But now it’s time to bond in more creative, yet less orgasmic ways.
Talk about what these life changes are going to mean for both of you. Discuss plans for your child after her birth. Make it clear to your BMP that you still expect a hot meal and foot rub upon your arrival home from work. These are the important things that will ease the changes that are sure to happen.
Building a relationship with your unseen child can feel a little strange. Suggested methods include massaging your BMP’s belly and talking to your creation. Diagram football plays on your BMP’s belly while giving a full explanation. Listen to music for a few minutes each day with your child. Doctors recommend classical, but who knows? If you like Barry Manilow, who’s to say your child won’t start kicking to “Mandy”?
If it feels slightly unnatural to stare into your BMP’s navel and tell the fuzz lingering in there how your day went, don’t worry. It’s all part of the birthing process. Just come up with something you can accept that will begin forming that bond between you and your child. (Do I have any suggestions? I thought you’d never ask!)
Here are a few more concrete activities that will help you build that bond:
