Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (5 page)

Your BMP is going to gain weight. Another human is trapped in there, after all. So there’s some truth to the saying that she’s eating for two. But you, on the other hand, are not, so don’t act like it. Whether you’re eating for one or two, all bodies actually prefer a healthy diet to a steady stream of chicken wings.

You may be picturing her being all healthy while you continue to plow through a plate of cheese fries. I don’t recommend it. It would feel like watching your friends accidentally stumble into a free all-you-can-drink event sponsored by the Swedish Bikini All-Stars on the night when you’re the designated driver. So be considerate and behave around her. Moderation in your drinking, especially if it was something she enjoyed before pregnancy, is the prudent course. If the impregnation magic happened after a night of partying, don’t pull out the “It reminds me of our night together and our child’s conception” speech. She ain’t buying it, no matter how great your sales skills. Playing the game this way may even earn you a couple of guilt-free nights out, with your BMP’s blessing. The key word is
might
.

As for smokes, give them up. It’s for your own good — and your baby’s. Secondhand smoke will have your child sounding like a truck driver and rebuilding carburetors before his or her third birthday, not to mention all the other health conditions it can cause or worsen.

As your BMP gains weight with the growth of your seed, you may also gain weight. Don’t give us the research about “sympathy weight.” Do something good for yourself and eat healthfully with her.

If you watch enough movies, you’ll see a poor father-to-be sent out in the middle of the night because his pregnant wife craves something. You’ve seen it before, right? The clock shows 2
A.M.
and she shakes the poor boy awake. Invariably, she tells him that he needs to run to the store right now for some bizarre combination of foods. The guy, of course, simply cannot say no to her because she’s pregnant. Much humor ensues.

It’s true. Many report that their BMPs craved food from a certain restaurant. Some claim their partners wanted salty foods, while others say it was an ice cream sundae that was in such demand. The medical field hasn’t conclusively documented the reasons for these stereotypical cravings. Their theories remain just that. As any man who has been through the process will tell you, it’s probably best just to get her what she wants, when she wants it, if humanly possible.

Despite the hype, I’ve never been asked to run to the store at midnight for pickles and ice cream. Except for that one time in college . . . but nobody was pregnant.

It’s time for the two of you to reconnect. I understand that your secret weapon is the art of seductive massage. I further understand that taking this weapon of mass seduction away from you is like sending a gladiator into the ring without his sword. But alas, I need to de-sword you. Don’t try to play amateur masseur here. Incorrect massage can trigger contractions. Aromatherapy can also cause problems. Find a massage therapist who is specially trained in massaging pregnant women, and give your BMP a gift certificate.

Or better still, take the time to learn what massages you can safely give (ask her doctor). With all of the remodeling going on, she’s likely to be sore. By likely, I mean 100 percent of pregnant women report feeling this way. Besides, what better way for you two to relax together?

Having sex once she’s pregnant is overkill. Just kidding! It’s not as easy as it was, though. Between your feeling strange about the whole “sex while pregnant” situation and everything she’s got going on in there, it can get quite complicated when it comes to celebrating your love with your lover.

Her hormone count is higher than the number of Brett Favre comebacks (but not by much!), so be ready for anything, from multiple orgasms to weeping. As for where she falls on the sleep-all-the-time/sex-all-the-time scale, that can actually change during a commercial break, so be ready to miss the second half of
Grey’s Anatomy
for unexpected sex.

Depending on your luck, your BMP won’t look any different for three or four months, and during months four through six, if you blink really fast you can convince yourself she still doesn’t look any different. With your doctor’s assurance in hand that you can’t hurt the baby (please direct real questions about this issue to your doctor), you can let your manly instincts take over. Now it’s business as usual in the bedroom and without worries about getting her pregnant, because you’re already there!

But at some point, there’s no denying it: she’s pregnant and you can really tell. As for the prospect of having relations with a very pregnant woman, I say you go all in. Presumably you love this person, and as long as your doc gives you the thumbs-up, it’s all good. Don’t underestimate the fact that once the little angel has arrived, you’ll be exhausted for the next twelve months or more, and the energy you used to put into planning a sexy rendezvous will be gone. Instead of spending your free time on frivolous things like your hobbies and the laundry, your waking moments will be consumed with thoughts of a nap. Nap in the car, nap in the afternoon, spot-nap on the Burger King counter while waiting for order #123. Once that bundle of joy and tears arrives, you will take sleep wherever and whenever you can get it. By now you should be starting to get the point. Your sex life, among other things, will be drastically affected, and you two need to enjoy each other while your time and energy permits. So
why are you still reading?
Go get her!

Let’s face it. In today’s world of fifty-hour workweeks and long commutes, we all need some exercise. But it’s especially important for your BMP to get regular exercise during her pregnancy. What are the benefits? More energy, sounder sleep, increased muscle strength, and reduction of various pregnancy symptoms, as well as the benefit of bouncing back into shape faster post-pregnancy than if she doesn’t exercise.

If she’s already exercising regularly, she’ll probably be able to continue her routine. Of course, all exercise programs need to be cleared with her doctor first. If she isn’t already active, it’s unlikely that she’ll be encouraged to start an intensive exercise program, but mild exercise, like walking, can still benefit your BMP. Pregnant women may also benefit from yoga classes specifically targeted toward them. Don’t miss the opportunity to skip working out your already perfect pectorals to do a workout with her. She will appreciate the support, I promise! (Did I mention that you need to consult your real doctor first?)

Here’s a wild idea: if you aren’t exercising already, why don’t you do the same? It can only help people on the street be able to tell definitively which one of you is pregnant.

Forget your dog, maternity clothes are a man’s real best friend. What man doesn’t love special shopping trips where you purchase clothes you know for a fact will only be good for a few months? Adding to the fun is the fact that many maternity clothing stores are very proud of their clothes. You can tell by the amount they overcharge you.

The good news is that you now have evidence that she wasn’t just faking it for the last few months to turn you into her personal slave. Now the bad news: she’s going to need a whole new wardrobe. If you’re lucky, you can beg, borrow, or steal what salvageable “gently used” maternity clothes you can from friends and family to minimize the financial impact. Otherwise, you’re going to spend a mortgage payment on clothes. One more tip: if she asks your opinion when trying on clothes, go neutral.

A quick note, though: don’t get rid of these clothes if you plan to have more children, or if you plan to have unprotected sex without birth control. Nothing would be more of a double dose of fun than an unplanned pregnancy, plus a maternity clothes shopping spree after you’d just gotten rid of her last maternity wardrobe.

So now we know that caring for a pregnant woman is more complicated than we first thought. Thanks to the pregnancy hormones, her mood and her needs are a moving target. These are the times where you can score some major points by helping take care of her and easing the difficulties of pregnancy in any ways possible. In addition to caring for her physically, don’t forget to show her that you’re loving the curves. Compliments and gentle, doctor-approved massages are a great way to do this.

• She will need your help as she tackles changes caused by hormones, potentially including morning sickness.
  
• You may need to take on some extra cooking and cleaning duties — it’s more manly than it sounds!
  
• You’ll want to help her deal with her rapidly changing body. Hot tip: fat jokes are not the way to go.
  
• Pregnancy massage is best left to the experts, but there are some light, doctor-approved massage techniques you can master that she will greatly appreciate.
  
• As long as your doctor approves, pregnancy sex is all good.
  
• Exercise is good for the gander, and you too, goose. (Boring disclaimer: I mean doctor-approved exercise).
  
• It’s getting time to suck it up and buy her some maternity clothes. Wearing your old T-shirts is not an acceptable fashion statement.
  

Once you’ve impregnated your BMP, you’ll be given a fairly simple choice: attend the doctor’s appointments or never have sex with her again. But you’re not worried. You feel you’re doing your job by staring at the pretty nurses and reading magazines. Be prepared: you will pay for this inactivity at a later date. To stave off being voted out of the relationship, bring a list of questions with you for the doctor. By the way, you’re signed up for about sixteen of these things before the birth actually takes place!

Don’t expect the doctor to give you all the information you need without being asked. Some of these offices have a revolving door so the doctor can come in, bless the proceedings, and keep moving to the next patient without breaking stride. So talk fast.

Your BMP may already have a secret-lady-parts doctor (aka: gynecologist) whom she goes to. Many gynecologists are also obstetricians, so they can deliver babies for their patients. So unless you see a diploma from Bubba’s Online Med School, then you shouldn’t interfere with the relationship your partner has already established with her doctor.

Most pregnant women choose to have an obstetrician/ gynecologist (OB/GYN) oversee prenatal care and delivery. If she has one of these already in her life, you’re good to go. If you want to see an OB/GYN and don’t have a go-to doctor filling this role, then you’ll need to find a good one.

First and foremost, you’ll want to find out what doctors accept your insurance coverage or are part of your health-care network. Between the checkups beforehand and the actual birth, the total financial cost of pregnancy can get too steep for you to even consider paying out of pocket.

Next, you must know that not every doctor has privileges at every hospital. So, if you have a preferred hospital — either because of reputation or location) — choosing a doctor with privileges there would be your next selection criteria.

It’s also a good idea to ask questions about the doctor’s opinion toward different procedures such as C-sections and induction. Some doctors will have a higher percentage of C-section deliveries, which may show that the doctor executes this procedure as a first alternative, sometimes sooner than others might. The doctor’s opinions on the matter should mirror your own as closely as possible, because if the meconium hits the fan in the delivery room, you’ll most likely be following your doctor’s orders. There just won’t be time for a lot of discussion.

The selection process is also a good time to discuss any specific criteria your BMP might have. She may prefer a female doctor. Perhaps her friend had an especially good or bad experience at a certain hospital and she wants to take that into consideration. Other criteria may be the types of equipment the hospital has on hand, available reviews, and recommendations from friends, family, or coworkers.

What does a midwife do? Is this term a code word for “transition wife,” as when you no longer have a second wife but you know you’re on your way to a third? Actually, a midwife is a specialist trained to deliver in low-risk pregnancies. Some midwives — certified nurse-midwives — are trained and certified as nurses, and others — known as direct-entry midwives — learn through apprenticeships. Both types of midwives are frequently used in the case of a home birth. Sometimes they’re associated with a physician, and sometimes not. Some doctors have deservedly gotten the reputation as impersonal directors for the birthing process. It may not be what you want, and midwives can offer an alternative. They are more about forming a partnership with you and your BMP. Besides, they do know natural ways to relieve your BMP’s labor pain, so you may want to consider this option.