Elrod McBugle on the Loose (8 page)

Chapter Twelve Quiz

1. STUPID or SMART? Pulling a fire alarm when there is no fire.

2. STUPID or SMART? Sticking a fork into a toaster.

3. STUPID or SMART? Sitting on a circular saw.

(As a public service announcement, I should mention that the answer to all three questions is STUPID. Do not try any of these. And while you're at it, don't swim less than an hour after you eat, don't cross your eyes because they might get stuck that way, and never, ever try and swallow your face. Got it?)

HEALTH CLASS WAS taught by Mrs. Goggins, a cheerful, short, and plump woman who really liked duckies and bunnies. Every article of clothing she wore contained either ducky pictures, bunny pictures, or both. Since she was the only teacher who used the classroom she had free reign to decorate as she pleased, and it was a ducky and bunny paradise. I can't even imagine what her house looked like. My guess is that you could take the most evil people in the world, such as Hitler (if he weren't dead), lock them in Mrs. Goggin's living room, and twenty minutes later they'd be reduced to trembling, foaming-at-the-mouth blobs, capable only of babbling the words "ducky" and "bunny."
    "Today we're going to learn responsibility," said Mrs. Goggins one fine day, picking a cardboard box off the floor and setting it on her desk. "Starting today and going until Friday, each of you is going to be given a stuffed animal from this box. It will be your responsibility to take care of it as if it were your own child. You will take it with you everywhere you go. Through this exercise you'll hopefully gain a bit of perspective on what it's like to be a parent."
    Susan Underall raised her hand. "My brother did this last year, and he said they used eggs."
    Mrs. Goggins nodded. "Yes, that's the way we used to do it. Eggs worked better because they're very fragile and you can't just set them anywhere you feel like. But none of you were here last year to witness the infamous Yolk War of February 17. The principal decided that from then on eggs were forbidden."
    I was glad I hadn't been here last year. Everyone would've blamed the Yolk War on me.
    "So, I'm going to pass the box around and each of you select your child for the week. And while we're waiting, be thinking about what you want to name it."
    Mrs. Goggins explained more about the assignment while everyone picked their stuffed animal. Surprisingly enough, I didn't notice a single bunny or ducky. I guess she didn't trust us with them.
    By the time the box got to me, there were only two left. Both were teddy bears. Both were very
girl
-looking teddy bears, one with a bright pink dress, the other with a bright yellow one. I picked the one with the bright yellow dress. Oh, this was going to make me look ever so cool.
    I decided to name her "Sludge."
    No, I didn't have any real reason. I just liked the way "Sludge" sounded.
    "Now, I want this assignment to be fun," Mrs. Goggins told us, "but I also want it made very clear that this is a serious project. You
are
being graded on it, and some of your classmates have been selected as spies. If you are not taking sufficient care of your child and they see you, they will report it to me and you will lose points."
    Boy, I hate squealers.
    I took good care of Sludge throughout the day. I made sure she was comfortable and got plenty of invisible food to eat and that no other bears got a chance to look up her dress. I let her run laps with me during gym class (physical fitness is just as important for a bear as for a boy), and didn't let anyone throw worms on her during science class, and believe me, lots of people tried.
    Scoopy, being a traitor, would not walk home with me because I was carrying a stuffed bear in a yellow dress. Fine with me. As long as I had Sludge, I didn't need anyone else.
    
Grrrrrrrrr...
    One block from my house, I glanced over my shoulder to see a very large, very mean-looking dog standing about ten feet away. It had teeth, which are always scary on a dog. It gave me a look that seemed to say "
Grrrrrrrrr
."
    I knew that running away would be bad. If you stand in place and don't show any fear, a dog will usually leave you alone. So I stood in place and tried not to show any fear.
    But I guess Sludge did show some fear, because the dog ran toward me and snatched her right out of my hand!
    "No!" I screamed. "Give her back! Give me back Sludge!"
    The dog violently shook its head back and forth. Bits of stuffing flew into the air. The dog was killing Sludge and there was nothing I could do!
    Well, that's not true. I could have rushed at the dog and tried to pull Sludge out of its powerful jaws. But I wasn't going to risk getting myself bit...after all, Sludge
was
just a stupid stuffed bear.
    When the dog was finally done, all I had left was a big pile of stuffing and some scraps of a yellow dress.
    Farewell, Sludge.
    I gathered up the remains and carried them home. I couldn't sew them back together, because the dog had eaten Sludge's head. I was going to get an F on the assignment. I might even go to jail for bear neglect. This was going on my permanent record, I just knew it.
    I went upstairs to my room, spread bits of Sludge out on my desk, and tried to figure out what to do. There was no way to get an A on the assignment, but maybe I could get myself a D. I had to make up something that wasn't quite as bad as Sludge being shredded by a hungry dog.

"YOUR BEAR WAS
kidnapped
?"
    I nodded. "Here's the ransom note," I said, handing an envelope to Mrs. Goggins. Inside I'd placed a piece of Sludge's dress, and a note which read:
    
We have your bear. We will return it for $50. Remain calm and await further instruction.
    "I haven't got fifty dollars!" I said.
    "Okay," said Mrs. Goggins to the rest of the class. "If anybody stole Elrod's bear, I want it returned right now. This is not funny."
    Nobody admitted to the deed. I looked at them, person by person, as if trying to find guilt in their eyes.
    "What am I supposed to do?" I asked.
    "If you'd been taking better care of it, this never would have happened," said Mrs. Goggins. "You're just going to do a little detective work and get your bear back by the end of the week. Otherwise I have no choice but to give you an F on the assignment."
    "It's not my fault somebody stole it!" I protested.
    "If it were anybody else I might believe that was true," she said. "How about this? If you make a good solid effort to get your bear back, I'll take that into consideration when grading you. Is that fair?"
    "Yes, that's fair," I agreed. I should have known better than to think she would just give me a brand new bear.
    After school, I begged my mom to drive me around town, claiming that I'd forgotten I needed a present for Julie's birthday, and there was only one special bear she wanted. But after two hours of going from store to store I was unable to find anything even close to Sludge, and Mom refused to spend another two hours looking.
    The next day I put up signs all over school. I drew a pretty good rendition of Sludge, and in magic marker wrote "Have You Seen This Bear?" If I had everyone in school keeping an eye out for her, Mrs. Goggins had to be generous at grading time, right?
    After school, I begged my dad to drive me around town searching for another bear. He wasn't very happy about it, but at the very first store, Toys-4-U-N-Me, my heart leapt for joy!
    There was a bear exactly like Sludge!
    It cost me a month's worth of allowance, but it was worth it! It was even worth the strange look the cashier gave me for buying a stuffed bear in a yellow dress. I'd recovered my kidnapped bear, and everything was wonderful in the world!
    The next morning, I opened my locker and an envelope fell out. I gasped in horror when I saw what was inside.
    It was a photograph of the real Sludge's head, chewed-up and covered with dog spit.

Chapter Thirteen Quiz

(In honor of poor Sludge, there will be no quiz for this chapter. All I ask if that you keep warm thoughts about Sludge in your heart. She will be missed.)

SOMEBODY HAD MY bear's head!
    What if they showed it to Mrs. Goggins? I'd flunk the assignment! I'd be a bad bear daddy!
    There was nothing else in the envelope, no clues as to who had slipped it in my locker. Maybe it had been one of the spies! Now I couldn't pretend that the fake Sludge was the real Sludge, because the spy might tell Mrs. Goggins, and then I'd be in even more trouble than before!
    I was doomed!
    I thought about confessing, but then I decided against it. This mystery person wanted something. They would surely be in contact soon, and when I found out what they wanted, maybe we could strike a deal. If they were willing to keep their mouth shut about Sludge's condition, I might squeeze by with a D-minus.
    In the meantime, I needed to put up more signs.

"ANY CLUES ABOUT your bear?" asked Mrs. Goggins.
    I shook my head sadly. "No, but whoever took her from me is going to pay, I promise you that." I raised my voice, speaking to the rest of the class. "Do you hear me? Whoever has my precious Sludge is going to pay! They're going to pay dearly! They may even pay with their life!"
    "Okay, Elrod, stop being silly," said Mrs. Goggins.
    "I don't think first-degree kidnapping is all that silly," I said. "If it had been your bear, you might not be saying that."
    "It
was
my bear. You were only borrowing it."
    "That's right. I'm sorry."
    I looked around the class. Everyone else was taking good care of their stuffed animals. I was the only one whose responsibility assignment had turned into a web of deceit, blackmail, and tragedy. Which I thought made it a lot cooler than everyone else's...but everyone else was going to get a good grade.

WHEN I OPENED MY locker before lunch, another envelope dropped out. I grabbed it and tore it open, praying that it would contain good news.
    It did not contain good news.
    Written in dark red letters were the words
Tomorrow Your Bear Will Pay For Your Wicked Deeds.
    This was revenge! But for what? For the hiccup gum? For the squirrel scratches? For bumps and bruises suffered during the talent show riot? There were dozens of things somebody could be mad at me for! If they didn't tell me who they were, how was I supposed to make amends?
    Oh, life could be so unfair!

THE NEXT DAY, I got to school early. If the mystery person wasn't going to reveal who they were, I was going to find out myself. To do so, I enlisted the aid of Colin, whose locker was across the hall from mine. In exchange for one of my better comic books (
The Adventures of Librarian Man #57
) he told me his locker combination and said I could hide in there. He originally wanted to shove me in there himself, but then decided he didn't want to get up that early.
    I got inside his locker, which smelled like gym socks that hadn't been washed since the invention of sweat. I kept it open just a tiny bit so I wouldn't get locked inside, and peeked through the slits.
    I watched and waited.
    I waited and watched.
    Several people walked by, but none of them stopped at my locker. The only really bad thing that happened was the janitor walked by and noticed that Colin's locker was ajar, so he pushed it shut.
    Well, I'd worry about that later. For now, I had to find out the identity of the mystery blackmailer.
    Then, ten minutes before the first bell rang, somebody walked by and slipped an envelope into my locker. I couldn't believe my eyes. Either of them.
    It was Mr. Clark!
    Yes, the assistant principal of Greenwater Junior High was threatening my teddy bear! How could this be? What had I ever done to him?
    And how was I going to get out of this locker?

COLIN WAS NICE enough to let me out of his locker by third period. I could have pounded on it and made a ruckus until somebody got the janitor to free me, but I figured the fewer people who knew about my hiding spot, the better.
    After I'd been released and spent a few minutes breathing fresh air, I went to the main office and told the secretary I needed to talk to Mr. Clark. She told me to go right in.
    "Oh, hello, Elrod," he said, leaning forward in his chair. "How are you doing today?"
    "You've got my teddy bear head," I told him.
    "Could you close the door, please?"
    I closed the door. Mr. Clark cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable, then gestured for me to have a seat. "Elrod, do you know what the word 'discretion' means?"
    "Probably something about you not wanting me to tell anyone you've got my teddy bear head."
    "Yes, something like that." Mr. Clark cleared his throat again. "Okay, Elrod, I'm going to be honest. I think you're a great kid. You're very creative and I think a lot of the things you do are hysterical. Anyway, when I came home from work on Monday my wife told me that Rupert had been a very bad doggie. He coughed up the head of a teddy bear he'd eaten."
    "Where did he cough it up?" I asked with disgust.
    "Right on our living room floor. We'd just had it shampooed. My wife was not happy."
    "Was the dog okay?"
    "Oh, sure, Rupert's eaten a lot worse things than a teddy bear head. One time he ate an entire hamster cage, even though there wasn't a hamster in it. I think he just wanted to get at the wheel. But that's not important. The next day I came in and saw the signs you'd put up, and when I spoke with Mrs. Goggins she said you claimed your teddy bear had been kidnapped, which I knew was not the case."
    I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
    "Basically, I was curious to see how you would handle the situation if you started receiving
real
kidnapper notes. I know it was unprofessional, but I couldn't help myself. I just didn't expect you to find out it was me. How did you find out, anyway?"
    "I hid in a locker. By the way, could you write me an excuse for missing first and second period?"
    "I think that can be arranged. And I think if we both use the discretion I mentioned earlier, we can work things out."

THE NEXT DAY in health class Mrs. Goggins talked about how well everyone seemed to be taking care of their stuffed animals. She didn't mention me specifically, but I'm sure it was merely an oversight.
    There was a knock at the door, and Mr. Clark entered. "Hello, Mrs. Goggins," he said. "I'm sorry to interrupt class, but I needed to return something to Elrod."
    He held up the fake Sludge I'd bought. "Your theories were absolutely correct, and you'll be happy to know that the students who stole your bear are being punished."
    "Students?" asked Mrs. Goggins. "More than one?"
    "Oh, yes, several." Mr. Clark walked to the front of the room and set Sludge II on my desk. "It was a very well-planned heist, if I do say so myself. Elrod didn't stand a chance of defending his bear from these kids, not with all the distractions they planned. But with some of the best detective work I think I've ever seen from somebody his age, Elrod figured out who the culprits were and reported them to me."
    "Who were they?"
    "We've decided not to reveal that, because some of our top students are among the guilty. It took some of the smartest kids in school to get that bear away from Elrod, but in the end Elrod outsmarted them. He will be a great parent some day, I promise you that."
    "Well...that's a very nice thing to hear," said Mrs. Goggins. "I'll definitely take that into consideration when I'm grading the assignment."
    Mr. Clark gave me a thumbs-up sign. "Good work, Elrod. Your bear will be safe from now on." Then he left.
    I got an A on the assignment.
    And Mrs. Goggins let me keep the bear.