Ever So Madly (6 page)

Chapter Thirteen

Madden

“Shit.” The city around me had turned black, boasting even less life than it had a few hours ago. The cool air soothed my nerves as I walked toward where I hoped she would be.

It was after the last bell when I walked out of the abandoned building, and my head was spinning with information and the familiar faces I’d seen. Most of which some parts of me had known, without fully putting it together, and others, while well proven, seemed impossible. I couldn’t wrap my head around the atrocity hidden in plain sight. In a hierarchy which had stood for centuries, how could it go unnoticed for this long? I had a lot to think about, too much. I wasn’t the right person for this, not by a long stretch. I’d come out with more questions than answers, and I hated feeling like I was behind the curve. I had to put it out of my mind until the next meeting if I was going to focus on Jocelynn at all.

The square where we’d agreed to meet was around one more corner. She wouldn’t still be there. I was so late. The night was bitter cold, and it was wrong of me to leave her waiting. I took a step into the expansive square, scanning it for any sign of life, but there was none. It would be impossible to find her again since we were in different levels and different course studies. They didn’t put off-worlders in the kinds of strategy classes she would be in with her higher ranking bloodline.

She wasn’t there.

I crossed the empty space, skirting the fountain at a distance toward the direction of my building. There had to be a way to find out who she was and “accidentally” on purpose run in to her. I was determined not to let her slip through my fingers. I knew I would never meet anyone like her again.

A flicker of red caught my eye as I neared the mouth of the street leading away from the square. Would one of the Red Stars have followed me? I stopped in place and turned. But it was all wrong. Instead of a hint of red on the jacket this figure wore a full red cloak. It brought a distant image to my mind, but I couldn’t place the significance of it. I watched as they approached, sliding my cold hands into my pocket where I kept the weapon I’d been given.

When the person was a few feet from me she used both hands to lower the hood. There wasn’t enough light to make out her features, but I knew it was Jocelynn. I closed the distance between us and hesitated. She reached out for my arm and stepped into my body.

“I was about to leave.”

“I’m so sorry. I was held up.” I slid my arms around her waist feeling how the cold had seeped into her clothes.

She leaned into my warmth. “Any glancing eye can see us from a window. Let’s get off the street.”

“Where do you want to go? There’s got to be a tea shop still open.” I looked around, having a good grasp of my bearings in the city now.

“They will close soon. Your room?”

I stifled my surprise. “Sure…” Heat stirred in my gut.

She looked up at me, blue eyes gleaming. “Lead the way.”

Chapter Fourteen

Jocelynn

“Where were you last night?”

The words pulled me from the illusion of his arms. I clung to the warmth of his memory, as the hangings around my bed were thrown open, spilling bright light into my dark cavern.

“Fuck,” I groaned. “What are you doing up so early.”

“It’s after first bell.”

I bolted up. “What?” I rolled out of bed nearly taking Jacob out.

“Yeah.” Jacob brought a mug to his lips. “I was up before you were with that horrid female you helped the Baron push on me while you lay abed.”

I stared at him for a moment before ducking behind the screen to change. I threw on my guard uniform and stepped back out.

“She is sweet, just not the correct gender.” I tucked my sword under my arm and glanced at the mirror. I had no time to apply makeup before the conference. I would have to leave it until they did me up for the opening ceremony. I hooked the formal sword to my belt and pushed my hair up into a tie.

“Where did you go last night?”

I looked back at him, scrabbling. “I was at dinner while you ditched out.”

“See there is the flaw in your plan. Dear Aubrey told me how you had an early morning, so how shocked would I be to find you here, still abed, after the first bell?” He gripped his bicep with his opposite hand.

We never lied to each other. “I went out.” I gave up on my hair and stood before him.

“With the scab?”

“Jacob!”

“What do you want me to call him?” He set his cup down and pushed both hands into his hair.

“Call him by his name.”

“That was a test. This is becoming a thing, isn’t it?” His eyes searched mine.

I looked at my feet. “It’s not a thing. It’s me enjoying something that is just mine. It’s nothing more.” It was a thing. I was scared to admit it out loud, but I could think of nothing else. I wanted Jacob to leave so I could check to see if he’d messaged me this morning.

“Why do you insist on lying to me?”

I wouldn’t look at him as I scoured the room for my cloak. I couldn’t find where I had tossed it. “Because you’re disapproving.”

He sighed. “I don’t want to see you hurt, and attachment can only lead to that. You know what your fate will be as well as I know mine.”

I still avoided his eyes. “I know, and I don’t want to think about it.”

“Why?” I could feel his eyes on me.

“Because with him I don’t feel like I have to put on a face. I am cherishing it until he decides I’m not worth the effort.” I saw my cloak behind him. I reached for it, but he wouldn’t move.

He cupped my face and tilted my gaze up to meet his. “Enjoy it. Escape reality for a while if it’s what you need. You’ve put on a better face your whole life than I have, but know this won’t go past your coronation. It will come out.” He paused, and I could see how sad he was for me. “Treasure his admiration in your limited number of days.”

I nodded, dropping my head to his shoulder. “We should like this status. It’s an honor to be given this place in life by the universe. But yet we are ungrateful like scabs.”

He wrapped his arms tightly around me. “At least scabs don’t have pressure to put their penis in a vagina they have no interest in for the good of the Akillie name.”

I shuddered. “Don’t ever speak in those terms to me again.”

“Want to hear me say cock and pussy?”

I pulled away from him, winkling my nose. “Jacob.”

When Jacob finally left I checked my messages, finding one from Madden.

M: Is it later yet, do you want to meet me?

I laughed. He must have sent it as soon as he’d woken up.

J: You know I have a full day.

Before I could even turn my screen off he replied.

M: Lunch?

J: Tonight. I have other engagements for the day.

M: Can I keep you all night this time?

It was a loaded question.

J: Maybe.

I wanted this. Even with the reservations from Jacob I had to chase it.

J: If you come to my suite.

A low burning heat formed in my gut, and I knew it was going to be hard to think of anything else until then.

****

After hours of strategy meetings, which I was scolded by the Baron for being late to, I was shoved into a room with three maids to fuss over me. I sat and closed my eyes while my hair was washed and dried. I tried to visualize myself back in his arms. I hadn’t slept so well in years. I, for the most part, had given up on sleeping more than an hour or two. My lips curled into a smile, and I hardly noticed when they started painting my nails and shining my skin. Not a single blemish could show on the giant vid screens while I was part of the opening ceremonies.

My dress was brought in. It was a work of art. Commissioned months ago, it was handmade and hand embroidered. First I was bound by two women into the dress’s corset. The black lace peeked out over the top of the dress, which cut low on my chest, creating a layer of lace covering most of my breasts. The overall illusion was stunning, and I felt it made me look like a different person, which at this moment I was thankful for.

If Madden showed up at the ceremony, there was a good chance he wouldn’t recognize me like this. When I was dressed, I looked in the mirror. The only part of me left was my eyes. I put on a smile before heading out to the carriage. The Baron was already sitting in the coach when I climbed in. He nodded at me, and we took off around the park toward the capital building. The Worlds’ Fair was the kick off to the large science conference among all the prominent worlds under the Akillie’s rule. New graduates from the institute were drafted into their chosen fields, and additionally, research was proposed, planned, and funded at the institute. I would sit in with the Baron on the important meetings, on top of my classes and course work. I was exhausted thinking about it.

I wanted to be anywhere else. I might have even taken a role as a salver across the seven dunes over being pinned into a dress that felt three sizes too small and painted like an expensive doll, which was really all I was. I was to look pretty, say my lines, and wave to the crowds who came to see the House of Akillie. I tried to draw in a breath to calm my nerves, but even that was impossible with the binding around my chest. Hadn’t this shit gone out of style five centuries ago? But silly fashion always sprang back into popularity. Nothing was ever new.

I paced the room we waited in, my nerves worse than normal. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to the public speaking.

“Jocelynn,” Jacob called to me through the din. Had our positions been reversed he would be standing up here. But four and a half minutes had given him a free pass.

My eyes scanned the faces for one closely resembling my own.

“Jacob,” I hissed, beckoning him over. Dressed in a light gray suit with a double-breasted jacket and four bottom trousers, all complemented by the purple button down and tie that matched my dress, he looked striking, even more so than I did.

He wore a coy grin, and I could see through the bodies milling about that he had another hand clasped in his own. I scowled at him, and he shrugged, not apologetically but remorsefully. He knew as much as I did the burden I carried being firstborn. I didn’t hold it against him. I held it against my mother. He darted away without a backward glance towing a man behind him. Jacob’s companion wasn’t a noble either. He looked like he was from one of the hard labor worlds. I shook my head and laughed. It was his favorite time of the year. All the delegates brought crews with them, giving my brother a wide variety to work his charm on.

Too soon I stood on stage to the right of the Baron. He gave the welcoming speech, going on for far too long about the prosperity of the House of Akillie. He boasted of their wealth, and how new tech meant bright futures for all their worlds.

“And your pockets,” I said under my breath. It was all a show. A show of Akillie’s wealth. How many planets were entrusted by the Emperor to his care, and that he was the most prosperous Barony in the known universes. There were six other Houses which the Emperor entrusted the running of the known galaxy to. The two wealthiest were my house, Akillie, and Jok, who of course was our biggest rival.

The Emperor ruled over all, and for very little work took an exorbitant amount in taxes as well as tech and men for his personal guard. The scheme was brilliant in my mind. He got Akillie and Jok to hate each other by dividing the best planets between them and then shifted the more valuable ones back and forth depending on what he was given each year.

The Jok’s higher math capabilities had made such a thing possible, along with countless other things we Akillies and our science founded society had no hopes of mastering without outside assistance. We worked our asses off for tech to be handed over to him, and he had the best of both houses. I was the only one who seemed to notice, and I never brought it up to the Baron. Such talk would be treasonous. I did my part and smiled as I would replace him when he was surely killed off by one of the other Barons. As many people stood around us as allies, there were many who hated us.

My eyes landed on Madden. He was standing there, in the crowd, staring at me. The hurt showed in his posture. How long had he been there while my mind wandered? No one but the dignitaries came to these things. He was a student, and while he had full access there was no requirement to be here.

He knew who I was. There was no easing him into it. No turning back now.

Chapter Fifteen

Madden

Jocelynn wasn’t a noble. She was the noble, the heir. Arguably there wasn’t anyone set to inherit more status except the Emperor’s son. I stared, mouth agape. This was who I’d had in my bed the night before. My legs wouldn’t move from the spot. They were rooted in place as I watched her give the opening speech. It didn’t look like her, not entirely. It was her, but the face paint and stiff posture made it clear she wore a mask, giving her an almost detached appearance.

Now I knew the reason she hadn’t told me her full name and why she was reluctant to give me her scan. My stomach fell to mingle among my intestines, feeling like I had been sucker punched. I wasn’t sure if I should feel betrayed, lied to, or relieved she wasn’t the daughter of the ender. The thought had crossed my mind. I knew there had to be a reason she would only see me on her terms. I puffed out my cheeks as I blew out a breath, refocusing on her.

She spoke eloquently. It was a side of her I hadn’t seen before, poised and stunning. I fixed my gaze on her while she spoke, my eyes never leaving hers. Sadness settled over me as realization struck.

We couldn’t ever be together.

She was having fun, flirting and messing around with a scab, but the Baron would never let us be more, even if Jocelynn really wanted it. I repeated those words to myself over and over. I was nothing more than a rebellious streak for her. I had to grind it into my head, or there was no way I could do what I needed to.

Her eyes met mine, and I saw the hint of worry on her face as her voice pitched, before she replaced her mask. She knew I knew. I set my mouth in a line, holding my feelings back. I put on my own mask and turned away from her. Her words faltered as I walked out of the crowded hall.

I was swimming against the current as I bumped and jostled my way through the sea of people. Maybe I was imagining it, but I thought I could hear a difference in her voice as I got further away. She was hurrying through the last. It was slight, but in the few days we had spent together I could already read her mood, which she hated.

I found a place in the back, out of her direct line of sight. I took a seat, listening to her musical tone and resting my head back against the wall. She finished her speech, and I realized I hadn’t really absorbed a word of it. Her father welcomed us and started his own drone, going on about duty and privilege and honor. I closed my eyes, the heat in the room getting to me. Honor to bring in all the tech and research developed over the last year and share it because we were all his minions. She was, too, or at least his blood.

A fist hit my shoulder, and I jerked out of thoughts. My head snapped around, finding Jacob standing over me.

“Get up. She wants to see you.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he roughly grabbed my arm, cutting me off.

“I don’t care what excuse you have not to. She wants you, and I’m here to get you.” He dragged me toward one of the back exits.

I planted my feet using my larger size to stop our movement.

His lips pulled back in a snarl when he turned back around. “Don’t cause a scene. It wouldn’t be good for you or for her.” There was a sharp look to his eyes Jocelynn never had. His kind was all the same—killer instinct, and they weren’t afraid to use it to get what they wanted. It was best to keep a distance. When he pulled me again, I went. Jacob slid his arm through mine, keeping them locked together so all but a knowing observer would think we were strolling and chatting.

He led me through a set of doors, typing in codes as we went. We weaved through a maze of corridors until he set his hand on a scanner, causing a door to appear in the wall where there wasn’t one before. We slipped through the slim space in the door, and I looked back, feeling the rush of air pass my cheek as it slammed closed in the space we had occupied moments before.

“Madden.” Her voice drew me in.

Our eyes met, and her makeup was marred. She’d been crying. I was weak for another set of reasons. It ate at me to see her like that. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to take away her pain, even at the expense of mine.

“Jocelynn.”

She nodded and dropped her eyes, curling her shoulders in, looking defeated. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Her voice exuded more confidence than her body language.

“Are you sorry you were caught, or sorry you lied to me?” I couldn’t let my feelings enter my tone. I would lose it. If I was just a toy she was stringing along I had to run. There were cracks forming in my soul, and I couldn’t take it.

“I didn’t want to lie to you. I should have stayed away from you.” Her words hurt. “But I couldn’t. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I know you won’t forgive me, but I’m sorry.”

“What? Couldn’t resist a plaything? Well there are tons of men who would be that for you, knowing full well what you are. As your brother does himself. You didn’t have to do this. There was no reason to lead me on.”

“The last thing I wanted was to cause you pain or ruin things for you here. I was selfish for wanting it.” She lifted a hand to her eye, but dropped it before she touched her face. She took three or four shallow breaths, like she was trying to maintain her composure. I wanted her to show me some real emotion. Something more than the poised falsity she presented to the worlds.

“Wanting it?” The ache in my chest spread. She was full of mixed messages, and I wasn’t sure I could blame her. Look at who she was. Who she was raised to be. I was nothing to her.

“Yes.” There was hesitation in her answer. I wanted to shake her. I wanted her to speak openly. “For wanting you.”

“Feelings are pain. To not feel them is to be dead.” The chasm in my chest widened. There had been a spark between us, but now it felt as if it was a figment of my imagination. She was cold and closed off.

“That’s not what I meant.” She took a step toward me. “Don’t go.”

I had to look away to hold my ground. “I get it. You got it out of your system. You don’t have to keep this up. You don’t have to worry. I won’t do anything to embarrass you if that’s why you called me back here.” My walls were in place for good reason, and I had to reaffirm it to myself.

She stepped into me before I finished, taking my hands in hers. “Is that how you feel?”

Refusing to meet her eyes, I nodded.

She sank to her knees. “I feel more for you than I should. I couldn’t lose you. I think I’m falling for you.” Her ears went pink, and she brought her hand up to cover her mouth. “Am I right to believe you feel nothing then?” Her composure wavered for just a second, but I saw it.

“I feel nothing? You stand here, as the ice queen—Baroness, whatever the fuck you are, stringing me along, and now you’re telling me I feel nothing? You have a lot of nerve, J. I don’t care who you were, and I probably wouldn’t have even if you had told me, but you shouldn’t have strung me along.”

“I wasn’t.” Her words were barely audible, but they drew both her brother and my attention.

“Then what do you want, Jocelynn?” The anger I felt fled, and a spark of hope took its place.

She shook her head and turned away from me. “I can’t.”

“It’s not that you can’t. You won’t. I’m not stupid. You had your fun, so can I go?”