Everything Left Unsaid (2 page)

I don’t really know why I’m walking around the streets at midnight, looking for Tanya. I guess I feel like an arse, you know? Here’s my secret, though – I don’t want the one I’m with. I don’t want to be with Tanya, not really. I want Juliet. She’s beautiful, even when Gen’s convinced her to dye her hair some random colour or when she’s cranky on Monday mornings at the bus stop. She forgot her blazer one day and I lent her mine, and later I hid it from Mum when she wanted to wash it because it smelt like Juliet, like her shampoo and her perfume. Like something I wanted to bury my head in forever.

So what was I doing with Tanya? Because Juliet was with Mick, rhymes with you-know-what, because Tanya asked and she’s hot, and because Juliet has this thing about doing the opposite of what people expect her to do. Everyone either thinks we’ll end up a couple, or that we already are, but instead I have a one-way ticket to the friend zone. At least that’s what I thought, even after she broke up with Mick and my mates said she’d be on the rebound and then laughed. And I’d rather have her as a friend than nothing at all, and I thought that’s what we’d always be – until an hour ago.

When she leant into me against that wall tonight, I wasn’t shivering from the cold. It was because of her. Because I wanted to kiss her so badly, which is what I wish I was doing right now. But instead I’m trudging around the streets looking for Tanya, because I feel bad and I want to explain. Explain what, exactly? That I just like Juliet better than her? Oh yeah, that’ll work. Maybe I can throw in how I think Juliet’s prettier than her, too, just for kicks.

I give up after a while; it’s cold and I’m tired and Tanya has probably gone home anyway. I walk back to the party, back to my mates, and warmth – and Juliet. But the first person I see is Sam. He’s holding my phone.

‘Where did you disappear to?’ he asks. ‘I tried calling you and heard this ringing on the table.’ Sam tosses me my mobile.

‘I’ve been looking for Tanya,’ I mutter. ‘She saw me kissing Juliet and took off. I wanted to check she was okay.’

‘Two chicks in one night? Way to go! So are you and Juliet together now?’

‘Dunno, I didn’t get the chance to talk to her.’ I scan the crowd – it’s much smaller now. ‘Have you seen her?’

‘She left a while ago,’ Sam tells me. ‘Your phone was beeping though. Maybe she’s sent you a message?’

I look at my phone, getting excited when I see there are two new texts. But they’re both from Tanya, telling me I’m a
fucking arsehole
. I reply with a single word:
Sorry
. I’ve always said it’s a waste of phone credit to reply with just one word, but now, that’s all I’ve got.

I look up at Sam. ‘Hey, where are you crashing tonight?’

‘Here, I reckon. Too late to try and get home now, yeah?’ Sam’s right, and the lounge is taken, so I find a spot on the floor and fall asleep, using someone’s jacket as a pillow.

• • •

When I get home the next morning, I make my way to the kitchen, grab a bowl and pour a heap of Coco Pops. It’s warm in here and smells of coffee and burnt toast. Dad’s left the milk out on the bench again, next to his coffee maker. I run a finger along the side of the carton, just to check it’s still cold, before pouring it and finally sitting down to eat. While I’m busy shovelling them into my mouth, Mum comes in.

‘Afternoon, Tai.’ She makes herself a coffee and sits down at the table across from me. ‘Did you have a good time last night?’

‘Um. Yeah. Kind of.’

‘Kind of? What does “kind of” mean?’

‘I don’t know – it was okay, I guess.’

‘Tai?’ She’s giving me that Mum look, which is code for I’m Not Going Anywhere Until You Tell Me Everything. Sucker.

‘It was pretty good,’ I offer, then hastily cram some more cereal into my mouth. Can’t talk, Mum, I’m eating.

‘But . . .?’ She waits, staring at me.

‘Is this a comfortable silence for you?’ I ask.

‘Answer the question, kiddo.’

‘We kissed. Juliet and me. But she hasn’t sent me a text or anything since, and Tanya saw us, and now I feel bad.’

‘You do know how to make life difficult for yourself, don’t you, Tai?’

‘Thanks, Mum. That’s really helpful.’

My brothers start screaming from the lounge room, and then there’s a crash. Mum heaves an exasperated sigh and stands up. ‘It’ll work out, Tai. You’ll see.’

I leave the bowl in the sink and head up to my room, flipping my phone around in my hands. I start writing a text to Juliet.

Hey. Last night was really good.

I couldn’t sound like more of a loser if I tried.

Hey Juliet. Hope you had a good time last night
. Before I walked away from kissing you and went after Tanya.

Hey girl. Liked kissing you last night
. Hope you plan on doing it again sometime. Or not.

I throw my phone across the room, onto my bed. Should be studying anyway, I guess – year twelve and all that. I’ve got good enough intentions to turn on my computer, which is a start, but I end up stuffing around on it for a while, looking at the photos on Facebook from last night. There’s one of me and Sam, a couple of other guys too, sitting around playing a drinking game and pulling stupid faces at the camera. Another one of Juliet and her girlfriends, holding up their drinks and pulling that weird pouty-lip face that girls do. Photos of the cocktails people were making, and photos of the people that got drawn on with texta when they passed out. There’s one in there, too, of me and Juliet leaning against the wall. We’re not kissing – yet – but she’s leaning into me, my arm is around her, and we’re smiling. I realise there’s no way I’m going to get any study done now; I’m still tired from last night, didn’t sleep well on the floor. I’ve got a headache, too – drank too much. So I grab a couple of Panadol, give up on the study, and go to bed.

When I get up it’s late in the afternoon and my little brothers are doing something noisy with a ball on the driveway. I can hear lots of shrieking. And Juliet hasn’t sent me a text yet. She’s probably pissed that I left her at the party and went after Tanya – and why wouldn’t she be? It was kind of stupid of me just to take off like that. She probably thinks I don’t like her back, or something. I know I should text her, but I don’t know what to say without sounding creepy, or like an idiot. Or like a creepy idiot. She might be right – we’ve gone and fucked things up monumentally by kissing our way out of the friend zone; it’s not supposed to be this hard to talk to her. This is
Juliet
. Okay, Tai. You can do this. I pick up my phone.

Hey girl. Sorry I ran off last night. Had a really good time with you
. I press the send button before I can delete it, and then pretend I’m super-busy doing something while looking at my phone every five seconds, willing it to beep. Five minutes later, it does.

That’s ok. I had a good time too.

The rest of the weekend is consumed by assignments, and it’s a relief in a way, because it means there’s no time left to analyse the hell out of what went on with me and Tai, or feel guilty about Tanya. But Monday morning is inescapable, and even though I contemplate throwing a sickie I end up standing at the bus stop with Tai. We’re both listening to our iPods, and although we pass a can of Red Bull back and forth there’s no actual conversation. We’re both doing that this-song’s-too-good-to-stop-listening thing, right alongside the I’m-too-hungover-still-to-take-off-my-sunnies-and-look-you-in-the-eye thing. It’s awkward, but it works, and it’s only when we’re sitting side by side on the bus that Tai reaches over, takes one of my headphones out of my ear, and puts one of his in instead.

‘Listen to that. Good, huh?’

I nod, and then our eyes catch, and I’m saying, ‘I hope I didn’t screw things up too badly for you. You know. With Tanya.’

He shrugs half-heartedly.
You did, but I’m too nice to say
it
. ‘Should’ve known we wouldn’t last long. Her love of plastic-fantastic music, for a start. Dead giveaway.’

It takes a second for the message to kick in.

‘You broke up. Shit.’ There’s more to say but we’re at school, and we both know it’s not going to happen now. Tai disappears into a group of his football mates, and I’m feeling deserted when Gen comes up.

I know she wants to ask about me and Tai, but she won’t – that’s not her style. It’s definitely Lina and Rae’s style though, and they look at me expectantly when we get to class. They’re waiting outside homeroom hastily removing excess jewellery before the uniform inspection that’s just been announced.

‘So? How’d it go?’ Lina blurts out, before she’s even said hello.

‘I’d rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a rusty spoon than do that bus trip again.’

‘It can’t have been that bad,’ Rae says encouragingly, before adding a hesitant ‘Can it?’

‘He and Tanya have broken up,’ I mumble.

‘Um, hello, Juliet, that’s
good
news? So are you two going out now?’

‘He didn’t ask me.’ I duck my head, embarrassed.

‘Why?’ Lina looks as confused as I feel.

‘I don’t know. Maybe he just doesn’t like me that way. Think about it. I break up with Mick, and he doesn’t ask me to be his girlfriend. I kiss him, and he runs after Tanya. Then they break up, and he still doesn’t ask me out.’