Far-out Show (9781465735829) (46 page)

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Authors: Thomas Hanna

Tags: #humor, #novel, #caper, #parody, #alien beings, #reality tv, #doublecross

BOOK: Far-out Show (9781465735829)
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As if on cue but strictly by chance Hasley
and Lacrat entered. “Here they are now. Plus we have some spying on
ourselves to arrange.”

* * *

A few minutes later Hasley, Feedle, and
Lacrat sat in a circle in their office with a zerpy hovering nearby
to record them as they acted as if they weren’t aware that was
happening.

“So this is a private discussion that no one
else will ever know about. We make the points we agreed on but
don't include anything definite or that reveals much. Ready?”
Hasley asked.

“I wonder if any of the secret meetings we
pay to get recordings of are faked like this one,” Lacrat wondered
aloud.

“You can never be too sure. That’s why I
always insist on taking what we learn that way with caution,”
Feedle cautioned.

“It’s always a danger. Misread true thoughts
as distortions and we screw ourselves,” Hasley said. “Misread faked
talk-talk for what others truthfully plan to do and we get left
behind in the race for wealth and influence. It’s what we have to
deal with. Everybody ready? Zerpy, record in two seconds.”

Each put on a serious expression and silently
counted down.

“We probably must tell each contestant on the
planet about the problems soon but they don't seem to be in
imminent danger,” Lacrat said to the others with what he hoped was
a convincing degree of concern on his face.

“The ship's remotely controlled upload system
is designed to snatch them and the zerpies back on a moment's
notice,” Feedle said sound like she wanted to be reassuring but not
too much so.

A short time later when the recording was
finished and the zerpy shut off Lacrat said, “I have a suggestion.
Something to make the A.D.U. guys feel they’re being included in
what we’re doing. It will also protect our backends if we
miscalculate or if Nerber stays more of a hero that I expect based
on how fast our audience go through those.”

“Talk-talk already,” Feedle said. “We’re
listening but we can lose interest fast.” She found his hesitations
annoying and his tendency to be nice to anyone other than herself a
waste of time. When a suitable opportunity came along he had to
go.

Lacrat looked his irritation at her and got
back the look of total indifference to his thoughts or feelings
that he expected. One of these days she would have to go.

Hasley watched the two, read the unspoken
messages, and then wondered who he should work with once he dumped
these two.

“We should ask Delmus and Ackack whether it’s
okay for us to override his other programming to use Wilburps to
prompt Nerber to make bolder moves,” Lacrat said.


Dre
! Which would make him more
conspicuous and would get him noticed at the very time when all
around him there are inhabitants trying to find something as the
focus of their fear and desire to kill to feel better,” Feedle said
with a note of disdain. “Oh, wait.. Yeah.”

Hasley said, “Whether we consult the A.D.U.
guys about it or not, I see the value of your idea, Lacrat. For our
purposes Nerber is at his best when he is in lethal danger and
upset because he knows that. Therefore the more danger he’s in, the
better the show material will be. Feedle saw that, she only tried
to rattle you to make you state it better.”

Yeah, sure
, Lacrat thought but he said
nothing.

Feedle thought,
Since when do I need you
defending me from situations like this? If you’re playing nice to
make me forget what you said earlier forget it
. She said
nothing.

“We’ll see if we need to try your idea,”
Hasley said.

“The way things are going down there the
inhabitants may find Nerber and tear him apart with his zerpy
recording it no matter how hard he tries to hide,” Feedle said. “To
please the governors we do need to be ready to get his body back
once they’ve made a mess of him though.”

* * *

Later Hasley, Feedle, and Lacrat entered the
program edit room where Venrik and Svenly were busy at the
console.

“What’s the news from the
Bang-Boom
Shows
home office?” Feedle demanded.

Svenly said, “The other company employees
send greetings. They’re keeping the home spaces neat for us.”

“They say A.D.U. has put together several
episodes from what Wilburps sent direct to them so the immediate
demand for follow-up has eased for now,” Venrik added.

“That should let them relax a bit,” Lacrat
observed.

“Then they decided in a private meeting ever
so conveniently overheard that they plan to blame
Bang-Boom
Shows
for the really poor translations of material from this
planet since those are the current focus of bad mutterings.”

“Totally predictable. We’ll deal with that
and a lot of things with A.D.U. later,” Feedle said.

“Anything interesting and new from Nerber?”
Lacrat asked.

“Interesting? Maybe,” Svenly said. “He’s sure
you’re deliberately messing with the communications with him but
he’s accepted that he can’t change that.”

Venrik said, “In one bit he told Wilburps he
was so angry with you that he considered putting on a big show of
protest with threats and all but decided against that when he
realized that would actually reinforce your mistreatment of him. If
messing with him gives you what you want, why would you stop that?
He understands that the audience will be more excited by him acting
anxious and desperate so you’ll do almost anything to keep him
acting that way, too bad about the effect on him.”

“He’s also told Wilburps he knows you’ll
promise him anything to get him to do what you think will be the
best show material but you won’t deliver on your promises or be any
more honest with him if he makes a fuss,” Svenly said.

“True. If the episodes of him frazzled are
well received there'll be even more demand for new material,”
Hasley noted.

“That's what the A.D.U. guys are afraid of.
The secret recordings have them torn between happiness at their
immediate success and fear of the disaster they could soon have to
deal with,” Venrik said.

“Which suits our purposes nicely,” Hasley
agreed.

“Since we alone now receive all the signals
from Wilburps we control what new stuff they have to work with,”
Svenly noted.

“Those interesting technical problems again.
Convenient when they work for you,
mimzy-plishers
when they
make it hard or impossible for you,” Hasley said.

“You've been letting bits of it go through
intact haven't you?” Feedle asked.

“After viewing it so we're not giving away
any real good stuff,” Venrik said. “I'm sending on enough views of
things we've never seen before and have no idea what they are to
give them something to work with. We're keeping back most of the
views of Nerber doing anything dramatic or interacting with any
local types.”

“The A.D.U. techs are trying to figure out
how to make best use of the what-is-that’s,” Svenly reported. “They
can make ‘look at the far away creatures and objects shows’ but if
they can't do more than guess what the things might be useful for
or why they're dangerous no audience will sit through more than a
few repeat viewings.”

“They could make a game show where
contestants propose what a creature might do or an object be used
for,” Feedle said.

“Yeah, let the audience select the ideas they
like best and declare those the right ones. Prizes go to the most
imaginative ideas. Nobody cares about what the things are really
for on the planet called Earth,” Lacrat said.

“More proof of why we're producers. Good
ideas simply well up out of us,” Feedle said.

“Should we worry about the demand for more
show episodes causing riots?” Venrik asked.

“That's not our concern. We're only the brave
patriots willingly risking our lives to supply lots of good
material only to be thwarted by technical difficulties beyond our
control. We're good guys,” Hasley said. He didn’t bother to try to
hide his smirk and the sarcasm in his tone.

* * *

Later Hasley was alone in the producers’
office talking to Eroder on the view-screen. “The others are
basking at the moment. I hope by
Zebedee
this isn't bad
news, Eroder.”


Zebedee
let you down. My diagnostic
checks find the engine problems are major and getting worse. Soon
we'll need to set down long enough to shut everything down while
the techs find and fix the damage. That or we need to get very
lucky - and
Zebedee
just failed you on a minor matter so
what are the chances of that? The techs
might
deduce the
site of the damage working only with the remote sensor information
and by luck it
might
be something they can fix without
having to shut everything down for a while.”

“How long before we have to make the final
decision on setting down to make the repairs?”

“That depends on how fast we use up our
stored energy. Hiding behind their moon we can't recharge with the
energy from their star for three
bimpledops
out of four. And
basking lamps use a lot of energy.”

“That's a clear and urgent message. The ship
and the whole crew will run down if we don't act soon.”

“That's how it is,” Eroder confirmed. “We're
looking closely at the images we have of the planet's surface to
identify spots where we could land and are likely to find the
resources we need. We've concluded that we likely won't have what
we need on their moon. But we're looking for safe spots to land on
the planet. Places where we're least likely to be noted by the
inhabitants who might come fast to investigate and stay to slay us
while we’re vulnerable.”

“I feel better knowing you guys are on top of
this. We'll be okay.”

“Don't let your guard down just yet. We have
another potential problem on its way. Svenly says there's another
of the inhabitants’ devices being sent up with the newly added
mission of looking for what they’re calling ‘something odd and
unexplained near the moon’. That would be this ship.”

“Aren't we already avoiding several of those
things?”

“Yes, but those are all in lower orbits than
we are and designed to observe the moon's surface, not to look all
around. According to their chatter though this one can do that.
It'll look above and to the side, not just below it so we can't
just hover out of its sight above it. If theirs were like our
zerpies and could record everything anywhere around them in good
focus whether it's near or fairly far away those other devices
would have spotted us in no time. It's nice feeling superior to the
inhabitants with a real basis in technology.”

“I have confidence in you, Eroder. You and
the techs have worked out bigger confusions than that.”

“Those other orbiting devices made us want to
cry until Venrik explained that on this planet the inhabitants have
a lot, I mean
a lot
, of different ways of talk-talking. On
Ormelex we may not agree with one another but at least we
understand the insults we're all shouting back and forth at one
another. It turns out different groups of the inhabitants here put
the devices in orbit so understanding the control messages meant
translating them to the talk-talk pattern we have the most
experience with. Things weren't exactly easy then but at least we
knew the confusion was talk-talk, not technical stuff.”

“Do we have any technical trick to make us
invisible to them?”

“There's a camouflage system that will only
operate when we've set down. There’s no record showing it's ever
been used so we don't know if it'll work any better than some of
the other equipment.”

“Not a strong recommendation on this rattle
trap of a ship but we're confident you'll get us home safe,” Hasley
said, trying to sound more upbeat than he was feeling at the
moment.

Feedle and Lacrat entered behind Hasley as
Eroder muttered “What now?”

The image went to split screen as Eroder took
a message from Molten and that was also displayed here.

Molten said, “We’ve spotted the mystery
whatever-it-is again. Blurs on the motion detection system along
with interference on the other sensors. Unless there’s something
critical for us to do this minute Biccup and I are going to check
this out. We figure that if it’s real and solid even if it can mess
with the ship’s visual sensors it’s probably not invisible to our
eyes. Without knowing what it is, we can’t be sure it’s not causing
at least some of our signal problems.”

“Check it out. Something has to be the cause
of all the problems. Go armed. It might be a dangerous stowaway or
some kind of a creature peculiar to this part of space that we
haven’t even imagined until now though,” Eroder said.

The screen blanked as Eroder remembered he
had forgotten to disconnect from the producers’ office earlier.

“That whole ‘thing that can’t be seen’ is
suspicious,” Feedle grumbled. “Something the monitoring systems
can’t detect seems to me like a story made up to scare unwary
hatchlings.”

“If you use a technical system to watch, you
can mess with the technical system to make it not work as planned,”
Lacrat said. “There are always distortions and interference when
the blurs are noted. In fact Molten told me he found more of the
blurs by scanning for the short-term distortions and only looked at
the visual record for those times.”

“Consorting with the enemy’s a tactical
mistake, Lacrat,” Feedle said. “They can’t be trusted, not a one of
them.”

“They’re our only hope of getting home
alive,” Hasley said. “And we’d dump them faster than they’d dump us
if we could all afford to not make it together.”

“You think the techs are faking all the
problems with the engines and communications?” Lacrat asked
Feedle.

“I suspect they’re faking a lot of it at
least. Come on, we only hired top notch experienced crew members,”
she said. “How could they not know exactly what’s happening and
therefore be using a few minor anomalies to try to panic us?”

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