Foreign Affairs (84 page)

The master bedroom was
en suite,
and Paula decorated it tastefully in peach and green. Huge mirrored wardrobes gave an impression of space, and the deep-pile pale green carpet gave the
room a rich luxurious air. Patterned peach curtains matched the colour of the bedspread. The tie-backs and pelmet were trimmed with green. Kieran asked her jokingly if she thought she was Joan
Collins, when he saw the bedroom. Paula endured the teasing. She’d earned her little bit of luxury. The guest-room had two divans covered in pretty pink chintz bedspreads which matched the
curtains. Nicola called it her room and had stayed on ‘holidays’ several times.

Paula had kept meaning to have a house-warming party. But as usual she’d been up to her eyes. Christmas came and went. The current brochure was out on time and things eased off. Just
before the beginning of the new season at Easter, there’d been a lull in her pace of life and she finally decided to have a hooley.

Hooley was the right word for it, Paula smiled to herself, as she listened to the hum of conversation and laughter filling her home. Ronan was teasing Jenny about something, trying to cheer her
up. Jenny was still terribly pale after the accident and miscarriage, Paula noted as she walked around with a plate of hors d’oeuvres. Paula was doing her best to try and get her
friend’s spirits up. But she understood her need to grieve. It was a worry, though.

Beth was chatting away to Kieran, who caught Paula’s eye and smiled. He had not married Tina and was not dating anyone. Rachel was laughing at something Hugh, Paula’s neighbour from
across the landing, was telling her. The girls from the office were flirting with Paul, Dermot and Donald, three gorgeous detectives who shared a downstairs apartment.

‘I wonder what ever happened to Green Car and Co?’ Jenny grinned after Paula introduced them. Paula smiled, remembering their innocent teenage infatuation. So much had happened to
herself and her best friends since then. Life had been easy when she was young. She’d had no complications to trouble her. She glanced around the crowded room looking for Helen and Nick. They
were kissing in the alcove. Pain darkened her eyes. Paula bit her lip and walked back towards the kitchen, unaware that Kieran was watching her. A shocked expression on his face.

Don’t think about it now, she told herself fiercely as she tossed the salad she was serving with the enormous cold buffet she’d prepared with Jenny’s help.

She carried it in to the dining table and said brightly, ‘Come and get it.’ The hordes descended on the food and there was much laughter and oohing and aahing as the guests tucked in
with delight.

‘Great party,’ her friend Gwen assured her. This was a compliment indeed. Gwen partied the world over, from Australia to America. It was a way of life and she lived life to the full.
The air hostess was looking like a million dollars in a clinging black dress which showed off her every curve. There’d been no need for her to bring Häagen-Dazs from America this time.
The ice cream was on sale in Ireland now and several large cartons of the rich creamy concoction had gone into the making of two huge baked Alaskas that Paula was serving for dessert.

It was after three in the morning before the final guests left. Helen and Nick were staying the night. Nicola was staying at a friend’s house and Paula impulsively insisted they sleep in
her room. She’d sleep in one of the divans. Jenny, Beth and Rachel had offered to stay and help tidy up but Kieran had told them to go home. He was washing up.

‘Are you sure you don’t want us to help, darling?’ Helen yawned.

‘Go to bed,’ Paula ordered.

‘I’ll have this place cleared up in a jiffy,’ Kieran declared, expertly stacking glasses on a tray.

He washed. She dried. It only took them half an hour.

‘Sit down, I’ll make us a cup of coffee and then I’ll head off,’ Kieran said kindly. Paula was wilted at this stage so she made no demur. They sat together at the small
kitchen table sipping their coffee.

‘You’re in love with Nick, aren’t you?’ Kieran said quietly.

Paula nearly fell off her chair.

‘How did you know?’ She was so shocked she couldn’t even deny it. Was it so obvious?

‘I saw your face when he was kissing Helen. Don’t worry, I’m sure no-one else noticed. It’s just that I know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love
you,’ he said sadly.

‘Oh Kieran.’ She stretched out her hand and took his. No-one understood better than she what he was experiencing.

‘Is it Tina? But she loves you. I’m sure if you tell her she’ll welcome you back with open arms.’

Kieran looked at her. ‘How can you be so blind, Paula?’ he asked and there was a hint of anger in his voice.

‘What? . . . I don’t know what you mean. If it’s not Tina who is it?’ she asked, perplexed.

‘Oh for God’s sake, Paula!’ He stood up and stared down at her.

‘It’s you. I love you. I can’t help it. Just as you can’t help the way you feel about him, I can’t help the way I feel about you. I’ve wanted to say it for a
long time but something held me back. I always knew there was someone. I didn’t realize it was Nick.’

‘Kieran . . . I . . . I don’t know what to say.’ She was stunned.

‘Don’t say anything. I think I’ve said enough for the two of us.’ Kieran frowned. He walked out into the hall and shrugged himself into his black leather jacket, pulled
on his leather gauntlets and picked up his shiny black helmet.

‘You look like the Knight Rider,’ Paula said idiotically.

‘He always gets his woman,’ Kieran said drily. They stared at each other. Paula started to cry.

‘Don’t! Paula, I’m sorry. Don’t cry.’ Kieran put his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’

‘I wish it could be different. I’d love to be in love with you.’

‘Maybe you could try,’ he murmured into her hair. He raised her face to his and kissed her lightly on the lips. ‘What a pair we are,’ he said wryly.

Paula watched him leave. She felt unnerved. She couldn’t think about this now. It was too upsetting. She went back into the sitting-room and poured herself a brandy and brought it out to
the kitchen. She knew she’d had enough to drink but she wanted to make herself feel woozy so that she would fall instantly asleep and not have to think about anything.

She sipped the amber liquid, feeling it warm the inside of her stomach. Imagine Kieran being in love with her! And she’d never even suspected. Looking back, now that she knew, of course it
was obvious. But Kieran had accused her of being blind and it was true. She had eyes for just one man. If only she wasn’t imprisoned by her love for Nick. Things might have been different.
She didn’t want to be in love with Nick. She’d never asked to fall in love with him. How did you learn to
unlove
someone? Paula thought of Nick kissing Helen and started to
cry. Maybe they were making love in her bed right now. She shouldn’t have invited them to stay the night. What kind of a masochist was she at all? She lowered her head on her arms and let the
tears flow.

‘Paula? Paula, what’s wrong?’ Shocked, Paula raised her head and saw Nick standing in the doorway.

‘Oh Nick,’ she sobbed. ‘Oh Nick.’

Chapter Eighty-Six

‘What is it?’ Nick asked, full of concern, putting his arms around her. Paula rested her cheek against his bare chest. He was barefoot and wearing only his
trousers. She inhaled the male musky scent of him like a drowning woman gasping for air. She could hear the steady beat of his heart against her ear. The roughness of his chest hair against her
cheek told her that this was no fantasy. After all the years of dreaming, this was real.

‘Hold me, Nick.’ She clung tightly to him.

‘Tell me what’s wrong. Is it Kieran? Did you have a row?’ Nick stared down at her, worried.

Mutely, she shook her head. She just wanted to stand in the circle of his arms and never move. The same wonderful feeling of being utterly cherished that she’d felt so many years ago, when
he’d comforted her because he’d thought she was upset over Barry, swept over her. Being in his arms was like coming home.

‘What is it, Paula? This isn’t like you at all. Tell me what’s wrong. Let me help.’ He kissed the top of her head. ‘Tell me,’ he urged. ‘We’ve
always looked out for one another. If you’re in trouble I want to know about it. Come on, Mrs Mops.’ His use of her nickname and the gentleness of his voice almost started her weeping
again.

Paula looked at him. He hadn’t changed much over the years. The lines around his mouth and eyes were more defined. His tawny hair was touched with grey. But he was still the same handsome,
kind man she’d fallen in love with. Her gaze rested on his mouth. He had such an attractive mouth. She loved the firm determined jut of his jaw and the sexy cleft of his chin. More than
anything in the world she wanted to be kissed by him. All the years of longing for him overwhelmed her. She couldn’t sustain the effort it took to fight her attraction to him. She had to know
if she could make him want her, as she wanted him. She had to know if Nick could ever love her.

Paula felt as if she was in a dream.

‘Nick,’ she said slowly, raising heavy eyes to his. ‘Haven’t you ever wondered what you and I would have been like?’ She put her arms around him and kissed him with
all the longing and passion that had been buried deep inside her. Her hands caressed his chest, his shoulders, the strong column of his neck. She couldn’t get enough of him.

Nick drew away in shock.

‘Paula! Jesus, this is madness!’ He stared at her in horror.

‘I love you, Nick. I always have. Don’t push me away.’ She was beyond caring. She took his hand and placed it in the opening of her dress on her breast and kissed him again,
curving herself against him, wanting to feel his response. This time his arms tightened around her and his mouth opened against hers. She felt his tongue inside her. Felt his thumb caress her
nipple until it hardened in desire. ‘Oh Nick,’ she breathed against his mouth as she felt his body respond. Paula felt fiercely triumphant. She’d aroused him. Just as she always
knew she would. She deepened her kiss, tasting him, teasing him, desire flaming through her. He kissed her back hungrily, his tongue probing, demanding. His hands slid down over her hips, moulding
her against his hard thrusting body. Paula arched against him, frantic for him, as he caressed the softness of her inner thigh, his fingers tracing paths of fire upwards towards the hot aching part
of her that only he could satisfy.

‘Oh Nick! Nick . . .’ She almost couldn’t breathe. Her heart was pounding in her ears.

‘No!’ he said harshly. ‘No. Paula, this is wrong. What in the name of God am I doing?’ He held her away from him and stared at her, shock and anger in his eyes.

‘Don’t look at me like that,’ she pleaded. ‘I love you. I need you. Please don’t stop. Please, Nick, I want you inside me.’

‘Stop it! What about Helen? I won’t do this to Helen. I won’t let you do it. I love Helen.’ He gave her an angry shake.

‘You wanted me just now. You can’t deny that!’ Paula said desperately. ‘Just once, Nick. Make love to me just once. You’ve ruined other men for me. Kieran loves me
but all I want is you. When I’m with other men all I think of is you. It’s driving me crazy. Don’t leave me like this.’

‘I don’t want to hear any more, Paula. Forget you’ve said all this.’

She’d never seen him look so angry. It excited her.

‘You’re angry because now you’ll always be wondering what it would have been like, Nick, won’t you?’ She slid the zip of his fly down.

‘Let me,’ she said huskily and heard him give a little groan of pleasure as she touched him.

‘Oh, God,’ he muttered, his breathing ragged and uneven.

‘I want you, Nick. I want to give you pleasure like you’ve never had before,’ Paula whispered. She caressed and stroked him and heard his quickened breathing as she aroused him
even more. ‘You want me as much as I want you. Nick, I’ll do anything you want—’

‘Stop it!’ His hand snaked down and grabbed her by the wrist. ‘Paula, have you lost your senses?’

‘Please, Nick,’ she begged. ‘I’ve wanted you ever since I was a teenager. I can’t stand it any more. I really love you.’

‘No! This isn’t right.’ His grip tightened around her wrist, hurting her. He stared down into her eyes. ‘It isn’t right,’ he repeated harshly.

‘It is. It is.’ Paula caressed his cheek and then the firm outline of his mouth.

‘Oh my God!’ she heard Helen exclaim. In a daze, Paula turned to see her aunt framed in the doorway.

Chapter Eighty-Seven

‘Nick . . . Paula . . . What are you doing?’ Helen was white with shock. Paula sobered up instantly.

‘What do you mean, Helen?’ she said hastily. ‘Kieran and I had a row, I was crying. Nick was just giving me a cuddle.’ Nick, who had his back to Helen, had zipped up his
fly.

‘Why were you looking at Nick like that? Why were you pleading with him? What’s going on?’ Helen stared from one to the other.

‘It’s all right, Helen, nothing’s going on,’ Nick said wearily. ‘Paula was tipsy and upset over her row with Kieran. I said I was going to call you and she asked me
not to.’

‘I don’t believe you. I’m not a fool,’ Helen said frantically. ‘You looked as if you’d just been kissing.’

‘Helen, please. You’re wrong.’ Paula was sick with fright. ‘Kieran loves me . . . and I think I love him,’ she lied. ‘We just had a row because I wanted him
to get a taxi instead of going home on the bike. I was worried and I told Nick and then I started to cry and he put his arms around me. That’s all there is to it. I can’t believe
you’d think otherwise.’

‘I’m going to bed,’ Helen said shakily. ‘I was waiting for Nick to bring me in a glass of water.’

‘Here, I’ll get it for you,’ Paula offered. She poured her aunt a glass of water and handed it to her with shaking hands. Silently, Helen took it and walked out of the
kitchen.

Nick stared at her. ‘I hope you’re happy now,’ he said in disgust.

‘I’ll never be happy, Nick, as long as it’s my misfortune to be in love with you,’ she said bitterly.