Guardian Cougar (Finding Fatherhood Book 2) (4 page)

In this situation, it probably wouldn’t have helped if he had known with a hundred percent certainty she was his mate. She had too much fear and anxiety to work through to be receptive to such a declaration anyway, and the envy he felt for bear-shifters’ ability faded as he realized how frustrating it would be to know she was meant for him, but unable to help her heal or be whole enough to move forward in a relationship. Right now, she needed a friend far more than she needed a lover, and he kept that thought in mind as he held her, his thoughts still racing hours after she had calmed down, her breathing deep and even, and her body relaxed against his as she slept deeply.

After a long appointment with the obstetrician referred by the emergency room, where Dr. Shandi performed a thorough exam and ordered so much blood that Hannah was half-convinced the doctor was actually a vampire preparing for her evening meal, Jackson drove her to his office. She was far more nervous about this appointment than she had been with the obstetrician, who had assured her the baby seemed developmentally on target and confirmed the estimate of thirty weeks given by the emergency room doctor.

This appointment seemed far more grueling, and she met it with dread as she walked into the gleaming cement and glass building housing Sentry Security. She wanted to refuse to meet with the therapist, even though she knew she needed to. After having decided to completely abandon all former memories, the idea of working with someone to draw them forth was unappealing at best.

Still, she couldn’t tell Jackson no when he’d made the suggestion, knowing he was trying to help her. It was the logical step, if she wanted to regain her memory. She was absolutely certain on an instinctive level that she didn’t really want that though. Whatever she had been through, it seemed worth sacrificing all memories of her childhood and adulthood up to this point to avoid facing them or remembering what had happened.

Tina was a lovely woman with dark skin and braided hair, pulled back into a loose ponytail. She gripped Hannah’s hand in a firm handshake, while rubbing her shoulder with the other one. In spite of herself, and her resistance at being there, it was impossible not to like the warmth of the therapist, and the tender concern in her eyes as she led Hannah into the conference room.

Jackson stood awkwardly at the doorway, clearly uncertain if Hannah wanted him to join them. She sent him a small smile, and he seemed to read that as confirmation, because he stepped through the doorway and closed the door behind him, taking a seat at the table beside her as Tina sat kitty-corner to her. She took a deep, fortifying breath and braced herself for a gentle interrogation.

Instead, Tina talked to her about nothing of much consequence for a few minutes, until she was completely relaxed. Then they discussed the pregnancy, and she was surprised to find the other woman had brought a couple of books for her. She took them gratefully, certain she had never read any before, because she knew absolutely nothing about pregnancy or childbirth, let alone how to raise a child.

After that, her expression turned more serious. “I want to go through some techniques with you that will help you hopefully regain your memory and control any fear or panic at the same time.”

Hannah nodded, feeling a bit like a fraud as she went through the breathing exercises with the other woman, knowing in her heart she wasn’t giving it her full effort. She was still convinced she didn’t want to know what had happened, but she didn’t want to offend anyone or hurt Jackson’s feelings when he was trying to help her. At least the breathing techniques proved soothing, and she knew they would come in handy if more memories or panic threatened to overwhelm her.

After concluding the meeting with Tina, Jackson suggested they go to a baby store, just to browse. The store was huge, and she felt intimidated as soon as she stepped inside. It was natural to reach for Jackson’s hand for reassurance, and he squeezed hers lightly as he led her to a cart. She eyed it dubiously. “I thought we were just browsing?”

He shrugged. “Probably so, but this way you don’t have to come back for a cart if you find something you want.”

She walked beside him as he pushed the cart, no longer holding his hand, but still close enough that her arm brushed against his each time they took a step together. There were so many items to look at that she was soon overwhelmed, and panic started to creep up.

As though he sensed that, he stopped in an aisle where no one was shopping, one containing something called a Diaper Genie and other supplies for keeping a nursery sanitary. It was a strange place to fall apart, but as his arms wrapped around her in a comforting hug, she realized she wasn’t going to splinter just then. He was a centering presence, and his embrace kept her panic somewhat at bay.

He stroked her back, and she breathed deeply until the surge of panic had passed. He released her without protest when she eased away from him, and though she wanted to bury her face against his chest and cling to him, she didn’t allow herself the luxury. She couldn’t let herself become weak and dependent on Jackson, because he wouldn’t always be there. They barely knew each other, and he was likely to grow tired of her soon.

Still, standing in the middle of the aisle, she couldn’t help wishing he was the father of her baby, and they were a normal family preparing for the birth of their child. It was such a tempting thought that she allowed herself the luxury of indulging the fantasy for just a moment, picturing a cozy domestic scene with her, the baby, and the man beside her.

With a small sigh of regret, she pushed aside the thoughts and resumed walking with him as they continued browsing. It was just a fantasy, and the reality was much starker. She had no idea who’d fathered the child inside her, and anytime she tried to think about it, a cold sweat broke on her brow. That suggested it wasn’t a pleasant memory, and it was unlikely she’d want that man to be part of her life or make a family with him. No wonder she wanted to cling to the fantasy of having Jackson in the role.

They moved through the store, and what had started out as a scouting trip had quickly become a buying spree. She tried to rein in his enthusiasm, pointing out more than once that she didn’t know what her budget was, since she didn’t even know her last name, and it might take her years to reimburse him. He waived away all of her concerns as he continued selecting things with an enthusiasm one would expect from the father, not a stranger.

Not that he felt like a stranger. When she was with him, she felt safe and secure, but there was more to it than that. Her hormones were also raging, and she was wildly attracted to him. It made it difficult to resist feeling something more for him, especially since she didn’t really want to fight the urge.

Before she knew it, their cart was full, and she had at least the basics required to welcome her son, though there were several weeks yet before that reality would come to pass. Somehow, he fitted everything into his sedan, which seemed to be a marvel of engineering in its own right.

As she watched him load boxes and bags, she was shocked by how much he’d managed to convince her to buy. The funny thing was, she’d gotten swept up in the excitement of it all too, but she’d looked to him for equal input. Once again, it had felt natural, as though they were partners embarking on the adventure together.

Back at his apartment, she helped carry things up, though he would only allow her to take the lightest items. Somehow, he managed to make it all fit into a corner of the guestroom closet, and she’d never been so tired, at least as far as she could remember—which was, admittedly, only the last few days. Once everything was stored away, she followed him back to the living room and gratefully collapsed on the couch. “Who knew buying things for a baby would be so taxing?”

He grinned. “I had no idea, but it was fun, wasn’t it? There’re so many gadgets and things I didn’t even know what they did…” He trailed off, shaking his head as though marveling anew at the things he’d seen. “Babies require a lot of stuff, I guess.”

She shrugged. “I guess so. I really don’t know.” It was a strange realization, but she truly didn’t have any clue. Had she spent any time reading pregnancy books and learning about motherhood? Surely she must have, but she couldn’t be certain. All other impersonal information seemed to have remained untouched by the amnesia, so if she had learned random bits and facts about motherhood and how to prepare for it, shouldn’t she have retained that information?

And if she hadn’t learned anything, why had she put it off? A feeling of dread crept over her, and she briefly wondered if she was as ambivalent about the pregnancy before she lost her memory.

She didn’t share the thought with Jackson, because she couldn’t. It sounded terrible, and she felt even worse when she saw how excited he was about a baby that wasn’t even his own. She should be feeling some of that enthusiasm, but she couldn’t seem to muster more than the faintest trace of excitement at the idea of meeting the child growing inside her. Mostly, she just felt that nagging sense of unease coupled with trepidation when she thought about it.

They fixed dinner together and watched a movie before she conceded defeat and told him she was too tired to stay awake. Hannah crept into the room he’d assigned her, feeling exhausted. She tossed and turned, but soon realized she wouldn’t find sleep easily, and certainly not anytime soon.

With a small sigh, she sat up on the side of the bed and stared out the window, where gauzy curtains did little to obscure the glow of the moonlight. She was restless and achy, and for a moment she thought it must be pregnancy-related, but quickly realized the ache was lower, centered between her thighs, and thinking about Jackson only made it worse.

She wanted Jackson. It wasn’t about safety or comfort. It was pure need spiraling through her, urgent and unrestrained. She shook under the intensity of it as she wondered how Jackson would react if he knew how she felt. Would he be disgusted, would he let her down easy, or would he open his arms and welcome her into his bed? He had been so kind to her, but she didn’t know if that was the extent of what he felt, or if he shared the attraction. There were times when she thought he did, but it was difficult to evaluate on such a brief acquaintanceship.

The sensible thing to do would be to turn over and go back to bed, to try to ignore her longings and resist the urge to confess them to Jackson. It might be the smart thing to do, but it also felt like the timid thing to do, and she hadn’t always been so afraid of her own shadow. Whatever had happened to her to have repressed her natural personality, because she sensed she used to be a woman who would have gone after what she wanted. Was that a brief flash of memory, or was it just wishful thinking?

The only thing she knew for sure was lying in the guest bed wasn’t going to get her any closer to finding the answer. She could either try to ignore how she felt and suppress her attraction, or she could be brave and approach Jackson. If he didn’t share how she felt, it could make things awkward, and she’d have nowhere else to turn, but she didn’t want to let fear hold her back.

With a shake of her head, deciding that no one had ever died from humiliation, she slid from the bed. She wore a gauzy white nightgown that floated around her form comfortably and was completely nonrestrictive so she could rest comfortably. It was also thin and semitransparent. If she hadn’t been planning to seduce him, she certainly would have needed a robe to cover the garment. Instead, she decided to go exactly as she was, bare feet and all.

With a deep breath, gathering her courage, she walked to the bedroom door and opened it before stepping through. Briefly, she glanced at the living room to ensure the light was off, because he’d still been in there when she’d gone to bed. There was no sign of anyone stirring on that end of the apartment, so she figured he would be in his room, just a little way down the hall.

The laminate flooring was cool under her bare feet, and she focused on that sensation rather than the rapid beating of her heart while she closed the distance between his room and hers, swallowing thickly as she lifted her fist to knock on his door.

“Come in,” he called, his voice muffled by the closed door.

She twisted the knob and pushed open the door before crossing the threshold. She stumbled to a stop at the sight before her. He sat in bed, blanket covering his lap, but his chest was bare. A pair of gold reading glasses perched on his nose, giving him an intellectual air that melded surprisingly well with his masculine appearance. Her lips twitched when she saw the reading material was a baby book he must have picked up at the store earlier. She hadn’t noticed the purchase, nor the other three stacked on his nightstand, clearly awaiting their turn to be read.

Jackson put aside the book and his glasses, his expression showing concern. “Did you have a nightmare?”

She didn’t answer the question as she walked across the room. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she pleated the thin nightgown between her fingers as she stood on the opposite side of the bed from him. “May I sleep with you?” It was not exactly the brave approach she had planned, but it was all she could seem to get out through her raspy throat.

He didn’t hesitate as he lifted the cover and patted the free side of the king-size bed. “Sure. There’s plenty of room. Would you like to talk about your nightmare?”

She slid into bed, arranging herself as close to him as possible so she could lay her head on his chest. He stiffened for a moment when she laid against him, but she was reassured by the way his body relaxed, and his arm wrapped around her to hold her closer. She let out a small sigh as she melted against him, feeling the familiar surge of warmth and safety, but a deeper heat as well, one centered in her abdomen that spread outward.

“Would you like to talk about it?” he offered again.

She shook her head. “I didn’t have a nightmare. I just wanted to be with you.”

He swallowed audibly, and her lips twitched in response. “Am I making you nervous?”

“Yes,” he said with surprising honesty.

She lifted her head from his chest so she could look into his eyes. “Good,” she said with a soft purr in her voice. With him holding her like this, she felt brave and her doubts had disappeared. She wanted him more than anything, and as she lightly brushed her hand down his stomach and against his erection, she confirmed for herself that he wanted her too.