Guardian Cougar (Finding Fatherhood Book 2) (5 page)

“Do you need something?”

She nodded. “You.”

Jackson swallowed again, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he did so. “Just so we’re clear, are you talking about in a physical way?”

She found his hesitancy endearing, because he clearly wanted her, but he didn’t want to rush her or misread the situation. She liked that he was thinking about her needs first, though he clearly had his own needs. She’d ensure they were attended to alongside her own. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. I was lying in my bed alone and realized I wanted to be here with you. I hope that’s all right?”  As she asked the question, she rubbed his shaft through his pajama pants, enjoying the way he tightened and twitched against her hand.

“It’s more than okay,” he said in a voice approaching a growl. “I just don’t want to rush you or frighten you. It’s happening pretty quickly.”

She nodded. “But it feels like I’ve known you forever. It feels right, doesn’t it?” She winced at the raw vulnerability bleeding through her voice as she asked the question. She was practically begging him to agree, and only the most hardhearted person would be able to refute her statement when it was phrased in such a pathetically desperate way.

“I wanted you almost since the beginning, once I was certain you were all right. If this is what you want, it’s definitely what I want.”

His tone and his words reassured her, and she was positive he wasn’t just replying that way because he felt the need to spare her feelings or reassure her, whether or not he felt that way. Staring into his eyes, she was convinced he was feeling the same pull that she was, the link that drew them together and it could only be strengthened by making love.

She angled her head upward as he turned more on his side, bringing his mouth to hers. Their first kiss was gentle, almost exploratory, as their lips glided against each other before molding together. His tongue swept into her mouth slowly, as though afraid of frightening her. For a moment, it did, but she pushed away the reaction, certain she wasn’t afraid of Jackson. Something in her past had prompted the response, and she was able to suppress it as she lost herself in the kiss.

His kisses were coaxing and sweet, with gentle nibbles and a flick of his tongue across hers upon occasion. It was lighthearted and fun, until the kisses deepened. At first, she strained against him, desperate for more. Panic started to envelop her when Jackson’s arms went around her, and he pulled her on top of him, holding her close as he threaded his fingers through her hair on either side of her face and anchored her against him so he could kiss her more deeply.

She let out a small whimper as the intensity of his caresses deepened, and his hunger came closer to the surface. He was getting rougher, though nowhere near hurting her. Her rational mind could find no explanation for the sudden surge of panic that overtook her as she thrashed and tried to escape.

She was still fighting, hitting out at him a moment later when she realized Jackson had simply rolled her off him and put her on the bed next to him. The only restraints he placed upon her were his hands carefully holding her arms to keep her from hurting either one of them. It still took a moment for her heart to stop racing and for a sense of calm to settle over her. She swallowed thickly, staring at him with apologetic eyes. “I’m sorry. I want you. I want this. I don’t understand why I freaked out.”

His eyes narrowed, and he seemed angry, but when he spoke, his voice was tender, so his anger was directed elsewhere. “I suspect you’ve been through something pretty traumatic, and it might have involved taking something from you that you didn’t want to give. There’s no reason to rush into anything. Why don’t I just hold you tonight, and we’ll go to sleep?”

His words chilled her, and though she’d briefly touched on the subject in her thoughts, she always shied away from it. Even his vaguely worded suggestion was enough to make her tremble and cause sweat to break out on her brow. She turned instinctively to him, this time for comfort rather than passion, though her body still reacted to his.

It was her mind keeping her from progressing, and she clung to him, thankful he understood, but also concerned he might grow impatient with her and decide she wasn’t worth the effort. It seemed like a ridiculous fear, and it was no more rational than the terror that had overtaken her when he started to kiss her with more enthusiasm, but she couldn’t completely soothe herself or force the idea from her mind.

Jackson held her close, and he was soon breathing deeply and regularly, suggesting he’d fallen asleep. She envied that, because it was several hours before she was able to find any true rest, despite the sheer exhaustion that had seeped into her bones. It was no match for the active state of her mind, which continued to persist at worrying about the matter long into the night.

They didn’t see anyone for the next three days, even when they left the apartment. Of course they saw cashiers and service people and waiters, but they didn’t interact with anyone besides each other. He was tender and careful with her, and during the daylight hours, she was completely brave and certain she’d be up for making love that night. It was only when she was in his bed, heart racing with a combination of fear and excitement, that doubts crept in.

She was still pretty certain she could have pressed on and gotten through the fear, but Jackson hadn’t attempted to make love to her again. He simply kissed her, sometimes deeply and for several moments, before holding her in his arms until he fell asleep.

They awoke every morning embracing each other, their bodies pressed tightly together, but he never made a move then either. She would have done so, but he was always quick to slide from the bed, as though afraid he wouldn’t be able to maintain control. She wished he wouldn’t, but she was also afraid enough of her own irrational response that she didn’t try to push him or convince him she was ready. A small part of her was still uncertain that she really was, so though it was an unsatisfactory state, she was afraid to press forward and lose what ground they had gained.

That afternoon, they had a visitor for the first time since Libby had stopped by. Jackson went to answer the door and returned with another man following behind him. The guy was larger than Jackson, with a solid build and sun-kissed blond hair. Combined with his tanned skin, the picture he presented suggested a man who spent a lot of time in the outdoors.

She wasn’t afraid of him, but she still pressed herself deeper into the sofa cushion when the big man stood over her, extending a hand. She took it with the faintest hint of trepidation, but he shook gently and quickly released her before walking to the armchair and folding his frame inside it.

Jackson returned to the seat he’d occupied on the sofa, putting his arm around her shoulders and joined her back against him once more. “Hannah, this is Brandon Hughes. He’s one of my partners at the security firm. He’s been working the case along with me, trying to identify you.”

“How do you do?” she asked softly, her tension ratcheting higher, but this time it was purely because she was afraid of what he was going to reveal. She was certain she had nothing to fear from the man himself. His dark eyes were too kind and confident to inspire fear of him.

“You’re Hannah Juergensen, twenty-three, and originally born in Stockholm. Your parents immigrated to the United States when you were eight, and you’ve lived here since that time. They settled in Miami, and from what I could glean, you were all quite close.”

“Were?” she asked, her throat dry.

“They died two years ago.” He imparted the news in a slightly gruff way, but not unsympathetic. “It was a car crash.”

“They had gone on vacation, up to New England to check out the fall foliage. It was something my mom always wanted to do, and Dad surprised her with a two-week trip. They were sideswiped by a trucker who had fallen asleep at the wheel. They died instantly.”

She recited the words almost mechanically as her memory returned. It wasn’t just the memory of that. Everything started to flood back to her, even the excitement of stepping off the plane in New York for the first time and embracing her new country of residence. She could remember making cookies with her mom and watching soccer with her father. Twenty-one years of memory flooded back to her, and she was pleased to find most of it was happy.

The grief of losing them again, as though it had just happened yesterday, suddenly overwhelmed her, and she dissolved into tears. She was vaguely aware of Jackson sharing a parting with his friend, who had left the file behind for them to go over later in deeper detail.

She wanted to tell him goodbye and thank him, but she was unable to do so at the moment. She sobbed as she remembered the police coming to her home that evening to break the news of her parents’ accident, and the frantic rush over the next few days to arrange their funeral and contact the few family and friends they had remaining in Sweden, along with their close-knit circle of friends in Miami.

She remembered collapsing at their home after the funeral, too overwhelmed by suppressed grief to keep functioning. The family doctor had put her in the hospital for two days for exhaustion, and then she’d been cut loose and left to her own devices for the first time ever.

She could recall the painful few months it’d taken to gain any level of functioning again, and she remembered slowly easing her way back into living once more.

Jackson was rubbing her back the whole time, murmuring soothing words, and when her tears finally abated, he asked, “Do you remember everything?”

She started to nod, but then she frowned. “Almost. I remember now that I went to college for acting, and I remember my childhood and the horrible time right after I lost my parents, but everything for the last fifteen months or so is still gone.”

“Maybe we’ll find some answers in the file Brandon left.”

She nodded, taking a deep breath as she steeled herself for looking through it.

There was nothing she didn’t recall though, but she did skip over the copies of the newspaper reports from her parents’ death, along with their death certificates. Since her memory had returned, she wasn’t terribly surprised to find her parents had left her financially well-off, so she had that going for her.

The only real revelation was she had finally gotten a movie role, and she’d disappeared thirteen months before. There had been a few articles about it printed off in the file, but it hadn’t generated the kind of stir one would usually expect for an aspiring actress who had gone missing.

Perhaps it was because she didn’t have any family in the United States and wasn’t close to her family in Sweden, so no one had filed a missing person’s report for weeks. It had actually been her landlord who had noticed she wasn’t around, and she read his statement with interest, gleaning she had rented an apartment in Los Angeles to be close to filming, though her parents’ home was still in Miami waiting for her.

That was the only new information she didn’t already remember, but it did nothing to jog her memory or help her recall where she had been for the last thirteen months.

“We can stop in to see Tina tomorrow. Maybe she’ll be able to help you recall the rest of it.”

She gave him a wan smile and agreed with a nod, though in her heart she was fine with not remembering. In fact, she was certain it would be better not to remember, and to leave those thirteen months all blank. She’d rather just start over as though she was still twenty-one and hadn’t lost thirteen months, and she was the same person she’d been.

Already, she felt more confident and relaxed, more sure of herself and who she was. And she felt a real stirring of excitement for the baby inside her, anxious to meet him and see if he looked anything like either one of her parents, and happy to be able to continue the family line, though saddened that neither one of them would ever meet her child.

She had regained enough of her memory to be happy, and that was all she wanted. She would meet with Tina tomorrow to please Jackson, but her heart wasn’t in recovering the memories she had blotted out. She was certain there was a good reason for that, and she was fine with leaving that reason undiscovered.

Tina was as warm as Hannah remembered. This time, they met at her office rather than the conference room at Jackson’s security firm. It was an inviting space, cozy and decorated in earthen tones that should have put her at ease. It didn’t work, but that was because of her own anxiety and not a byproduct of the decorative scheme.

“How are the exercises coming along that I’ve shown you? Have you regained any memories?” asked Tina.

“Yes. I remembered everything yesterday except for the last thirteen months.” She left it unspoken that she hadn’t really tried the memory exercises, and she had no desire to regain her lost memories.

“Interesting. So you have everything back to a certain point, and then you’ve stopped?” At Hannah’s nod of confirmation, Tina tipped her head slightly, looking thoughtful. “Have you considered that maybe the amnesia isn’t caused by physical injury? That’s a pretty sharp line of delineation and unusual to regain all your memory up to a certain point. It’s likely a psychological block keeping you from remembering.”

For a moment, she had the urge to snap that she’d figured that out for herself, but she held in the urge. She had no reason to be angry with Tina, who was just trying to help. She just didn’t want to be there, and lashing out was a way to escape. Instead, she took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sure that’s right, but I don’t want to think about it too much.”

Tina didn’t blink. “We could try hypnosis? I’ve had some luck with that helping others with memory blocks.”

She shuddered at the thought. “No.”

Tina frowned slightly. “It’s nothing to be afraid of, and I won’t be manipulating your memory. It just provides you a deeper state of relaxation so you can access the lost memories yourself with a bit of nudging.”

Hanna shook her head and surged to her feet. “No, and I’m done here. Thank you for your time.” Before Jackson or Tina could call her back or attempt to stop her, she moved to the door and exited, walking briskly without looking back.

She made it to the lobby before Jackson caught up with her, and his hand on her shoulder felt restrictive for a moment. She shrugged it off as she whirled to face him. “I’m not doing it.”

He put up his hands in a defensive gesture. “Easy. I’m not trying to force you to do something you don’t want to, but it is safe. It might be the only way to get back the memories you’ve lost.”

“Don’t you understand? I don’t want them back.” She winced at how loudly she had spoken when she noticed several people glancing in their direction. She lowered her voice and avoided eye contact with any of them as she spoke to Jackson. “I know on an instinctive level that I’m much better off not remembering. I don’t want to know, and as much as your friend seems nice and is trying to help, I don’t want to see her again.”

He seemed confused, or at least bewildered by her choice. “How can you stand to live with a blank spot in your memory?”

She shrugged. “I’m sure I’m happier with a blank spot than I am remembering everything. It’s my decision, and I’ve already made it.” She let her voice soften slightly. “I just want to move on and start over, okay? I’d like to start over with you, and I’m certain it’ll be easier for me to do that if I don’t have to remember the last year.”

He sighed, looking torn for a moment before nodding. “It’s definitely your decision, and if that’s what you want, I’ll support you. If you change your mind—”

“I won’t.” Hannah spoke firmly, convinced she knew her own mind. Some things were better left alone.

***

Though she had slept in his bed for the last three nights, that evening at bedtime she headed for the guestroom. He intercepted her when she had her hand on the doorknob, touching her shoulder. She froze and looked up at him.

“Are you angry with me?”

She shook her head. “No, but I thought you were angry with me. You’ve been so quiet this afternoon.”

Jackson slipped his arm around her shoulders. “I’m not angry at all. I was just trying to understand, that’s all. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I’ve kind of kept my mouth shut.”

She gave him a small smile. “You’ll only say the wrong thing if you keep trying to push me to do what I don’t want to do. As long as you’re not going to do that, we’re fine.”

He nodded, gently steering her toward his room instead. “In that case, you should sleep where you belong.”

They entered his room and slipped into bed together, where she snuggled against him. She was at peace with her decision and fully relaxed. It seemed like the perfect time to initiate a deepening in their relationship. His nipple was tantalizingly close to her mouth, so she stretched a bit so she could flick her tongue over it. He stiffened, letting out a small gasp, and she repeated the motion before adding her teeth to the mix, lightly scraping the taut bud and feeling his body jerk against hers as he moaned in pleasure.

She was certain she had to be the one to show she was ready, because he was gentle and patient, and in this case, too patient. He wouldn’t make the first move again until he was certain she was ready, and this was the best way to show him.

With that in mind, she shifted away from him long enough to get on her knees and strip off her gown, leaving her in just panties. He let out a ragged exhalation when she scooted closer, putting one leg over his so she was straddling him with her knees pressing into the mattress. She lowered her head as he started to speak. “Are you sure…”

Her mouth captured his, swallowing the rest of his words as she kissed him with all the desire raging through her. She’d never been more sure about anything in her life, and she struggled to transmit that to him through the hungry kiss they shared. She pressed her tongue to his lips, sweeping boldly into his mouth to taste him and caress his tongue with her own. He wasn’t shy about responding, and he seemed to have accepted she was sure about what she was doing.

He grabbed handfuls of her blonde hair, though gently, and dragged her closer so he could deepen the kiss. She was lying fully on top of him, but the barrier of her stomach prevented her from completely sinking against him. It was an abrupt reminder of her pregnancy, and she wondered briefly if it would be an issue between them. Would he find her swollen stomach repulsive, knowing he wasn’t the one who’d put the baby inside her?

As though he sensed her concerns, one of his hands moved from her head of hair to trail lightly down her side before cupping her abdomen. He didn’t speak, because he was too busy kissing her, but the lightly reassuring squeeze placed on the bump calmed her.

She gasped when his hand moved lower, finding her slick folds and sliding inside as he twirled his fingers lightly around her clit. She pressed against his hand, whimpering for more, and abruptly found herself on her back. He’d flip them over, and she realized she no longer had to be the aggressor. Now that he was confident she wanted this, he was going to give her everything she wanted.

She mourned the loss of his mouth as it moved away from hers, gliding lower, pausing to nibble at the bend of her neck before continuing downward. He carefully took one of her swollen nipples in his mouth, just flicking his tongue over and around it. She was sensitive there, but not so sensitive that she couldn’t stand a little suction, and she arched her back to encourage him to give her more pressure. He complied, and she buried her hands in the comforter to center herself as she moaned and arched against him.

His fingers were still exploring her, alternating between dipping into her opening and returning to stroke her clit more firmly than he had before. She needed to climax, but she couldn’t seem to form the words to make a coherent sentence. All she could do was say, “Please,” in a raspy tone that was barely comprehensible.

Apparently, it was enough for him to understand what she wanted, because he switched his mouth to her other breast, cupped the one he had just been licking in his palm to apply light pressure, and slid two of his fingers inside her, angled upward to massage her g-spot. The combined sensations sent her flying over the edge, and she cried out his name as she came.

As she returned to awareness, he lay down beside her, putting his arm carefully over her stomach with his palm centered under her bellybutton. He seemed prepared to sleep, and she frowned at him in confusion, especially when she looked down and saw he was still hard and clearly hadn’t experienced the same thing she had. “Don’t you want to…?”

He nodded. “I do, but I don’t want to rush you.”

Once again, she positioned herself so she was straddling him. “You’re not rushing me. In fact, you aren’t going quickly enough.” As she uttered the words, she took his shaft in hand and guided it to her slick sheath. There was a moment of hesitation, and a surge of fear swept over her as she took him inside, but she persisted, pushing through the panic to ease him fully inside her.

Once they were completely joined, any fear or hesitancy faded, and she knew they had never been emotions inspired by Jackson. They were lingering and unwanted reactions to memories she had locked away. It was a relief to have them gone, and she was certain as long as she didn’t remember everything, she’d never have further hesitation when it came to making love with Jackson.

He gripped her hips, providing stability for her ungainly body as she began to ride him. Their thrusts started out slow and easy, and they moved in tandem. She leaned forward enough to place her hands on his forearms, gripping tightly to him both as a necessity to maintain her balance and as a way to keep a connection with him. She wanted to touch him in every way possible, to show him how much he meant to her as she reassured him this was exactly what she wanted.

Gradually, their pace increased, and they were soon arching rapidly against each other in an attempt to quench the raging hunger inside.

Jackson came first, his cock stiffening as he spurted inside her, and the first wave of his release triggered her own. She clamped tightly around him, as though her body wanted to keep him fused with her forever, and convulsed around his shaft, drawing every drop of release from both of them as they finally reached a climax together.

Afterward, they lay curled together, wrapped in each other’s arms. She had difficulty telling where she ended and he began, they were twined so closely. She pressed a kiss to his chest and snuggled closer. “Thank you,” she whispered.

He chuckled softly. “I should probably tell you the same thing. I don’t think we need to thank each other for that though. It just felt right, didn’t it?”

She nodded. It certainly did. She’d never experienced a connection like she had with Jackson, and she was certain that included the thirteen months that were a complete blank. “I’ve been drawn to you from the beginning, when you were so kind and stayed with me at the hospital, and then brought me home to your apartment to take care of me. You didn’t even know me, but you were prepared to put your life on hold to help me. You’re a good man.”

The tips of his ears turned red, and he seemed embarrassed by the compliment. “I did what anyone would have done.”

She snorted. “I don’t think so. You went way beyond what most people would have done.”

He shifted slightly so they were lying on their sides facing each other. His arm draped across her hip and rested over her back. “I’m not sure I would have done the same for just anyone. There’s something special about you, and it called to me. I took care of you because it was the right thing, but also because I didn’t want you to disappear from my life. I needed to keep you with me, and I was purely selfish.”

She shook her head. “I don’t think you could ever be selfish, Jackson.” She started to say more, but froze when the baby chose that moment to kick. She’d felt the movements before, but this was the most intense kick yet, indicating he was growing, and a surge of excitement filled her. She placed her hand on the spot he was kicking, giggling when she felt him turn. She was convinced he was pressing his butt against her hand, and she giggled again.

She looked up at Jackson, stunned to see the sadness in his eyes. “Are you all right?”

He nodded. “Can I feel him?”

She nodded, surprised he even felt the need to ask after the intimacy they had shared. She took his hand and placed it on the spot where the baby was most active, and he rewarded them by thumping a part of his body against Jackson’s hand. “Did you feel that?”

He nodded, looking odd. “He’s got a strong kick.”

She nodded.

“According to the baby books, he’ll be doing this a lot more until he gets too big, and then you won’t feel him as much, but when you do feel him, it will be more intense.”

Warmth flooded her at his words. She hadn’t even glanced at the baby books, but she was certain Jackson had read all four he had purchased and had clearly committed them to memory. He was acting like a father, and a tear slipped from her eyes.

He moved his hand from her tummy to wipe it away, his expression one of concern. “Are you all right?”

She nodded, successfully managing to suppress further tears. “I just had a moment of sadness. I wish you were his father.” She was certain that whoever the father was, he didn’t deserve the title, and she wished she had met Jackson sooner, before whomever had stolen a year of her life.

“If you want me to, I’d be happy to be his father. I don’t want to rush you, but nothing would make me happier than taking care of both of you.”