Happier Than She's Ever Been... (4 page)

‘Oh no,' Rose said, ‘it's not the same at all. The gut-wrenching pain of being with the wrong person feels entirely different from the growing pains of being with your soulmate. Don't worry. It won't be the same with Ben as it was with Jake, not at all.'

May breathed a sigh of relief and reached for a flapjack. ‘Well, that's good, because I don't know if my heart could take that kind of pain again.'

‘But you still have to be prepared for the growing pains, the life lessons you'll go through together,' Rose said. ‘You can't avoid them. So don't resist the more difficult things that happen. Because if you try to stick your head in the sand, it'll only make it more painful in the end.'

‘So,' May asked, ‘how do I not do that?'

‘Be honest,' Rose said firmly. ‘Last night you lied to him. You tried to pretend that everything was fine because you wanted it to be. But when you're not honest about the way you really feel, no matter how scary that is, then slowly but surely you'll lose touch with your heart and with your true love.'

‘I don't know if I can,' May said. ‘I don't know if I have the courage for this.'

‘Oh, my dear.' Rose patted her hand again. ‘Of course you do. And, if you let him, Ben will be right there with you. You've had the honeymoon stage to help cement you together. Now it's time for the next stage: going through the fire of self-discovery, seeing each other for how you truly are, with all your unresolved issues, angers and upsets. These have been hidden under the first glow of false love, but they'll pop up soon enough. They have to so that you can complete all the unresolved pains you carry within you.'

May frowned. ‘Like what?'

‘Well, your secret fears that you really are unlovable,' Rose said, ‘that you'll be abandoned, that all men will eventually leave you like your father did.'

‘B-but,' May stuttered, ‘I thought… I thought –'

‘That you had already resolved that?' Rose smiled.

‘Well, yes,' May admitted. ‘I suppose so.'

‘There are many layers to your self, many lessons in life you don't yet know,' Rose said, ‘so remember: don't get too attached to the idea of a life without challenges and upheavals. Or you'll have to pretend that everything is great even when it isn't, that you feel happy even when you don't. And
that
, my dear, is how you lose your heart.'

May looked at Rose, trying not to get too scared.

‘And there will be moments to come,' Rose continued, ‘and they will be painful if you resist them, if you believe that joy is better than sorrow, that painless is better than painful, that peace is better than anger, and calm better than upset… Because if you think that all the “good” ways of being are superior to the “bad”, then you won't be able to be true to yourself or the way that you feel. Then you'll begin to pretend, fake and lie… you'll judge your partner for the “negative” in him, and you will withdraw. And, my dear, that will be the beginning of the end.'

By this time May was staring at Rose open-mouthed, having left her flapjack on the table, all thoughts of it forgotten. ‘But I – I don't want to do that,' she stuttered. ‘I don't want to lie, judge, withdraw and…'

‘Well,' Rose said, ‘then you must be willing to keep on walking, through the flower gardens and through the fire. Because you still have more wounds to heal within you, and Ben will help you bring them to the surface. He will tickle and tease you, and everything unresolved inside will come out. But if you don't want to feel it, if you want to deny any anger, pain, hatred within you, then his tickles will feel like punches and his teasing will feel like slaps.'

By now May had stood up and was pacing up and down the length of the little café, wringing her hands together. ‘But this sounds awful, absolutely awful. I don't want to go through this, I really don't…'

‘That's only your fear speaking, my dear,' Rose said calmly. ‘If you stand strong in the middle of this circle of fire, you won't get burned, I promise you. But if you keep darting in and out, not trusting yourself or your lover, then it will hurt; it will brand you with scars that may take years to heal.'

May looked stricken and stopped walking.

‘Don't worry, my dear, those scars always heal,' Rose said, smiling, ‘if you can find the courage to remember that a true soulmate is not supposed to “complete” you but challenge you. With his actions and his being, he'll invite you to look at those things inside yourself that you may not want to see – but these aren't bad things, my dear, just behaviours and beliefs that may hurt before they are resolved. And if you allow this, it can be a beautiful process.'

‘Really?' May asked.

‘Yes, really,' Rose said, ‘so long as you keep reaching for Ben's hand, especially in those moments when what you really want to do is slap him and run away. But if you blame him for what he sees and says, it'll easily be the most painful process you've ever been through. And if you try to run from it, then you might be running for the rest of your life.'

May stared at Rose with tears in her eyes.

‘And every time you have the courage to stand strong in the face of your fears, to stay together and keep loving each other through the growing pains,' Rose told her, ‘you'll be rewarded with the greatest gift of all.'

‘What's that?' May asked.

‘Well, the ultimate purpose of your soulmate,' Rose explained, ‘is to give you the gift of unconditional love. Firstly by loving you before he really knows you, and then by loving you after he knows
everything
. Of course, he'll only be able to do that if you do it too. For it is one thing to love yourself when you're happy, peaceful, joyful and calm. It's quite another to still love yourself when you're sad, angry, upset and stressed. And you, my dear May, you still have this to learn. And, if you let him, Ben will help teach you how.' Rose smiled her most magnificent smile and her little blue eyes twinkled with compassion and love. And then she disappeared.

May awoke, her heart beating fast, palms sweating, her T-shirt sticking to her chest. She blinked in the darkness trying to catch her breath. She glanced over at Ben sleeping soundly, a little smile on his lips. In that moment May had the urge to cling to him and never let go. In the next, to leap out of bed, run and never look back. But instead she remained still, then slowly sank back into her pillow and stared up at the ceiling. For the next five hours, until the sun came up, May wondered over and over again whether or not, when the time came to it, she would have the courage to stand strong in the centre of the circle of fire or if she would get burned.

F
EAR

‘Are you sure you're okay?' Ben asked, as May sat down on the edge of the bed and handed him his morning cup of coffee. He held her gaze as she looked at him. For a moment May almost said something, almost told him everything. But she was scared, of so many things. Of Ben thinking she was crazy, of creating conflict, of losing what they had together. So instead she shook her head.

‘No, I'm fine,' May said, ‘and I love you.'

‘I love you too.' Ben kissed her, knowing something was up and hoping May would tell him when she was ready. He didn't want to press her, didn't want to push her away. So, in that moment, as they both suppressed their feelings instead of speaking up, their relationship was knocked a few degrees off course. But the shift was so subtle that neither of them even noticed what was happening.

That afternoon May cleaned. It was an old habit she had when she wasn't expressing herself, though she wasn't really aware of it. She set to work on the bookshop, hoovering the floors, dusting the shelves and rubbing the books' spines with a tea towel. She'd made it halfway along the third shelf of the Astrology, Astronomy & Alchemy section when Ben hurried in through the front door. May glanced up, feeling the now familiar surge of happiness she got whenever she saw him. Though this time she also felt a tiny undercurrent of trepidation. She should talk to him, tell the truth, be honest – just as Rose advised. And she would; she just didn't have the guts to do it quite yet. ‘Hey, you're early.'

‘The guy didn't show,' Ben said, referring to a source who sometimes supplied him with second-hand books. ‘He gets good books, but he's a bit of a feckless bum.'

‘Are you trying to be a Brit again?' May raised an eyebrow with a smile and walked towards him.

‘Yep, I'm learning your ways,' Ben teased, ‘the self-deprecating wit, the self-flagellating false modesty, the condescending sarcasm…'

‘You forget our innate and effortless superiority,' May added, laughing, ‘especially to all things American.'

‘Oh, is that so?'

‘But of course.' May smiled as he stepped close to her and slid a single finger down the front of her shirt, grazing the top of her breasts.

‘Well then, I think it's time you taught me some of your superior skills,' Ben whispered into her neck. ‘I might still have a lot to learn.'

‘Yes, you might,' May breathed as his tongue followed his fingers. ‘Oh, Ben, no, not here. We might scandalise a young child, scar it for life.'

‘Oh, yes?' Ben gave her an impish grin. ‘Why – are we going to be very naughty?'

‘Not here, we're not,' May said in teacherish tones.

‘Okay then.' Ben leapt over to the door, turned the lock and the ‘Closed' sign over, rushed back and grabbed May's hand. ‘I think it's time to go upstairs.'

‘Okay,' she giggled, wondering if it was possible to love someone more than she loved Ben.

They lay together in bed, the late afternoon sun falling through the windows and warming their bare skin. Words danced around May's mind, forming and reforming, trying to explain something she didn't quite comprehend, to describe a feeling she'd never felt before, to articulate a fear she couldn't put her finger on. But everything between them still felt so nearly perfect that it seemed silly to upset it for the sake of something half-imagined and half-understood.

As he looked at her Ben knew this was the moment to ask May what was wrong. And May knew it was the moment to tell him. But both were too scared to cause cracks in the closeness they'd so carefully and lovingly created.

‘I love you,' she said.

‘I love you too,' he said.

Afterwards they dressed, had dinner, then watched a TV show to distract them from the silence and separation that was, by now, just a little bigger, just a few inches wider, than before.