Heart on a Shoestring (19 page)

Somehow, someway, I became a story passing by another. A story worth reading. I never thought I’d be so happy to walk away from my beloved park bench.

Love not only changes lives … it gives birth to life.

And I made it my life goal to never go a day without treasuring life with him by my side.

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The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or 

even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

A beautiful, successful, sweet personality with the world at her fingertips, Sarah Jordan falls in love with James, a charming man who adores her. But he comes with broken pieces and a daughter he adopted when his brother and sister-in-law died in an accident he feels he could’ve prevented. When she finally decides to say “yes” to his many proposals, they are both burned in a campfire accident. After a year of hospital beds and stark lights, Sarah is released to go home with everything but her former beauty. As she recovers, James struggles with regret and guilt as Sarah fights to overcome the depression that comes with a new life so different from the one she loved so much. Her joy and security are tested while budding relationships cleanse wounds they never knew they had.

Prologue

August

a year and a half prior
 

James and I made s’mores by the fire. Always a careful person, I stayed three feet away from the crackling flames as I roasted my marshmallow, then smothered it between chocolate and crunchy graham crackers. James wiped my face and kissed the side of my mouth. We spent an hour talking about life. Our goals. Our future.

Near the end of the conversation I yawned. He got down on his knees to clean up the boxes and trash. At least that’s what I thought.

Staring up at me, he took something out of his pocket. I straightened my back as I sat on the log and a smile wrapped around my face as he took my hand.

“Sarah, we’ve both been through a lot. I know I’m not like all of your friends. I’m normal. A mechanic. Not artsy like you and all of them. I’ve argued with myself constantly.  Had this ring for a while, you know.” He spun it in his hands, looking down. “I didn’t know how to make this romantic and over the top. I didn’t want to ask for help either because, to me, that’s a lie. This is who I am. I may not be the most romantic guy in the world, but you’re my best friend and I want to experience life with you. Forever. So ... what do you think?”

I covered my mouth as he slipped the ring on my left hand. “Of course, James. You know my concerns about leaving Abby though. She can’t lose a mother figure twice. It would be unbearable.”

“Your cancer is gone. Doctors say there’s a good chance it’s gone forever.”

I nodded. “Enough of that talk. I want to relish this moment. I never want to forget the way it felt when you asked me to be your wife.”

He stood and pulled me into his arms. “How does it feel?”

“It feels ... normal.”

We laughed. He carried me into the tent and flopped me onto the pillows. We had a ton of cheap three-dollar pillows stuffed in the tent. James surprised me because I once told him I wanted to sleep on a cloud.

“Can you go put out the fire?” I said.

He smiled. “Yes. Right after I kiss my future wife.”

We kissed as the moonlight lit our faces. That’s the last wonderful thing I remember before waking up to James screaming for me. 

By the time I opened my eyes the tent was orange and a horrible scent clung to my nose. I screamed and backed into the corner of the tent, looking for James as the bed of clouds engulfed into huge flames. I closed my eyes and covered my face with my arm as I clawed at the tent, trying to rip the cloth and bite my way out of the fabric. The flames licked my skin, inching closer.

I looked down at my legs and hands. Didn’t take long to realize. The ghastly smell was my own skin melting off. Sharp bursts of pain seared through every inch of my body. Skin, black like the marshmallow I burned a little while ago, flapped off my arm and I could see the bone in my left hand, where the ring he gave me no longer resided. 

James screamed my name again. A haunting chill swept over me, cooling my inflamed body. I collapsed in the corner of the tent like a parachute falling to the ground and asked God to take me quickly. A rush of sunny memories terrified me. I’d never see them again. This was the end.

Then each memory vanished and the world turned black. 

Chapter One

My room smelled of buttery pancakes and pumpkin pie. I turned on my phone. 9:32a.m. September 15th. I no longer needed help taking off my burn mask. Thankfully. No need to wake Cheyenne this morning, who was still sleeping peacefully in the twin bed beside mine. Ella had been an angel. Not only allowing me to stay in her home, but allowing my cousin Cheyenne to stay with me as well. Ella worried that she wouldn’t be able to help me after she had the baby, but Adelaide Kessler was four weeks and two days old and Ella spent four weeks and one day out of those first weeks of her daughters life checking on me every three hours. At least.

I stayed in the hospital longer than most of the other burn unit patients. Partly because I had a lot of infections along the way, near death experiences, and trouble learning to walk again. And also because I wanted to. I feared coming home and burdening others. I feared being needy and, most of all, I feared that I’d no longer be able to hide my tears. When someone visited me in the hospital I had enough warning to dry my eyes and put on a happy face. In the world I’d need to hold it in or let it out. And let it known. 

Cheyenne stirred and saw me standing without my burn mask. “You’re getting quite ambitious, aren’t you?”

“Funny,” I said. “Gone are the days when ten mile runs were ambitious. Now getting out of bed myself is an accomplishment.”

“You’ve come so far since the accident. Imagine how normal life will be by this time next year.”

I toddled toward the bathroom. Ignoring her optimism. I knew the heart of an optimist well. I used to be one. My entire life. Until now. But normal wouldn’t exist for me ever again. A new normal, maybe. But not my old normal. 

Cheyenne closed the bathroom door behind me. “Let me know if you need help.”

I stood in front of the mirror. Someone’s face stared back at me. Red, swollen, and disfigured. The right side of my face remained somewhat normal, but the left side ... I looked away and positioned myself on the toilet. Took ten minutes to do something I once did in two. I washed my hands and avoided the mirror.

Throughout my life people complimented my beauty, but honestly, I never though much of it. I didn’t get too into my looks like some girls. Wasn’t important to me.

Every time I saw my reflection in a mirror I couldn’t help but realize how important it actually was to me. I just didn’t realize it until it was gone. 

Life with a different face is a new life altogether. People treated me like a child now. They talked to me with loud and slow voices as though my ears melted away in the fire. Strangers stared and kids pointed. Men, who once turned their heads to watch me walk away, now turned their heads in disgust. I never needed attention. And I still didn’t. Maybe that’s why it upset me to be looked at so much.

Cheyenne knocked on the door. “Everything okay? Ready to change your dressings?”

I opened the door.

“And here are your pills.”

She placed them in my palm on top of the cloth surrounding my hand. I put them in my mouth one at a time and gulped the water she gave me.

“Well,” she said. “Ella made baked pumpkin oatmeal for breakfast. Would you like some?”

“No, thanks.”

“You need to eat more, Sarah.”

Cheyenne was not only my cousin. She was a nurse. And sometimes I wished she weren’t.

“Let’s change this stuff,” I said. “Get my ever dreaded shower and get through the morning routine. Maybe after that I will eat lunch.”

Cheyenne entered the bathroom and closed the door. Ella and Gavin chatted downstairs. I could hear them discussing work and lessons as silverware clanged in the sink. I imagined Adelaide snuggled against her chest in the baby wrap and Gavin’s arms around them both, wondering if I’d ever be able to have children. If so, I wouldn’t be able to nurse them. My flat chest with weird skin caught my eye as Cheyenne helped me undress. Mirrors insulted me, especially when unclothed. So I stepped aside and closed my eyes.

The pain, still intense, seemed as though it would remain with me for the rest of my life. “Poor James.”

“Not poor James. He loves you.”

“Did I say that aloud?”

She nodded as she completed her task and I took slow steps into the shower. I so dreaded the shower. 

“Looks aren’t everything, Sarah. They aren’t even close.”

Easy for her to say. She still had her beauty. I didn’t even have breasts to nurse a child with. The doctor mentioned plastic surgery, but the thought appalled me. 

“I’m like a child,” I said. “He needs a wife. Not a child.”

She turned on the water and I flinched. 

“He needs you,” she said. “Period.”

Cheyenne helped me finish my painful morning routine in silence, then she asked me if I’d be okay with her leaving for a while. I nodded from my bed. Sleep called for me. Especially after those torturous showers. 

***

My dreams either involved being trapped in a burning building or a mangled car. So I didn’t sleep much, but this time I dreamt of James and Abby with a woman who could take care of them. When I awoke James was sitting beside me smiling. “Morning, beautiful.”

“How can you say beautiful?” I said, closing my eyes again.

He didn’t respond. I looked at him again. His smile disappeared. Replaced by two serious eyes and turned down lips.

“Abby deserves better, James. So do you.”

He unhooked the necklace around his neck and placed it on the table by my bed. The ring clanked as it hit the wood. James touched my shoulder. “I’m sticking by you until that ring goes back on your finger with a wedding band.”

“James.”

“Sarah.”

“You don’t have to feel sorry for me. Don’t do this out of pity or guilt. I’m a big girl.”

He stood. “Every time I visit. Every single time you try to get rid of me. I’m doing the best I can. What do you want from me?”

“You don’t want to marry me. Admit it. If you met me now you’d never think twice about putting a ring on my finger.” I held back tears. “You’re worried about Abby. I get that. Since your brother died and Abby lost her parents, you feel like you need to protect her. That’s true. You’re her daddy now and she needs you. But she also needs a mother. A real one. Let me go, James. Just let me go. I don’t want pity.”

His eyes narrowed. “I’ve been by your bed every moment possible since this happened. Is this your way of saying thanks?”

“I am thankful.” I looked down. “You’re a wonderful person. You’ve been good to me. But I’m okay. It wasn’t your fault and you can walk away without hurting me. I’ll be okay.”

“What would you have said if we were already married and this happened, huh? What then?”

I stared at my bare chest. The chest that was meant to nurse my children during sleepless nights. Gone. My dreams of motherhood melted away in that fire. I’d failed my children before giving birth to them.

I loved James too much to see him settle for me just because he loved the person I was before all of this. Maybe one day he would understand it was my love for him that helped me let him go.