His Love (6 page)

“I’m sorry,” Toni said gently.

“Don’t be. It’s in the past.” Gavin shrugged, but his eyes stayed on his food. “It was rough at first, I won’t lie. It hurt. But I’m fine now. Moved on with my life.”

Toni stared at him. He’d obviously been hurt, deeply so. Something in his awkward attempt to cover that lanced her heart with tenderness. “Your ex was a fool,” she pronounced. “You’re a really good guy. It’s her loss.”

His eyes finally lifted to her face. “Aye, you know that after two days, do ya?”

“Yes, I do.” She reached out to cover his hand with hers, and the feel of his warm skin sent a tingle through her. “I mean, I don’t know what happened, obviously, and I’m not asking. Not my business. But even though I’ve only known you a few days… I know a good man when I see one.”

He didn’t say anything, but she could see there was a lot going on in his eyes.

“Gavin, I’m sorry you were hurt. But I know it’s her loss. I’m glad you’ve moved past it.”

Gavin stared at Toni for a long beat, then pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Thanks.” He gave her hand a little squeeze and smiled before returning to his meal.

‡

A
fter dinner, Toni
drove them back into Long Beach. She’d told him she wanted them to take a walk on the boardwalk, then maybe down to the beach if he wanted. Anna had told him the famous boardwalk had been almost destroyed in Hurricane Sandy, but the reconstruction was finally complete. All 2.2 miles of it was restored, open to walkers, bikers, or those who just liked to pick a bench and stare at the vast ocean. Taking a stroll there with Toni sounded… well, romantic, even though he knew she didn’t mean it as such. He really had to stop letting those glimmers of desire mess with his brain.

The sky was a deeper, duskier blue, but not dark just yet. Gavin opened the window and let the warm air rush in, ruffling his hair and brushing his skin. He snuck a glance at Toni, who was singing along lightly to the upbeat song on the radio as they drove, doing a little chair shuffle in her seat. She was adorable, and he couldn’t help but smile. Her vibrant nature was contagious.

Dinner had been great. The food was delicious, the view and surrounding scenery made for a lovely atmosphere, and Toni… they’d talked nonstop, about all sorts of things. She was so easy to be with. He found her to be bright, charming, warm, and funny from the time they’d spent together before, but tonight… maybe he was insane, but he felt a definite spark, real chemistry. At least,
he
did. His mind could be playing tricks on him simply because he wanted her, but he could’ve sworn he saw her look at him a few times with… something. Something more than mere amiability, something with a little heat.

Wishful thinking, most likely. Toni was lively and vivacious. He was… well, Siobhan had let him know in no uncertain terms what he was, hadn’t she.

“You’ve grown so
boring
,” Siobhan had said flatly, her thin lips twisting as she scowled at him. “I don’t know when it happened, but I mean, really, Gavin. And that’s when I even get to see you.”

He had stared at her in disbelief. “I’ve been in medical school. Barely slept for a few years, ya know? Then I started working, and it’s been insane. My hours—”

“That’s just it!” she cried. “I barely see you. And when I do, you’re exhausted. We come home and have dinner, watch some telly, maybe have some sex, and go right to sleep. It’s all we ever do. We never go out. We don’t have fun. We’re already like an old married couple.”

He’d blinked at her, stung. He’d planned a special dinner specifically for her, set the table with candles and flowers, ordered her favorite foods, and this was what she had to say? “I… well. I didn’t know you were so… unhappy. I mean aye, Siobhan, we don’t go out a lot. But I was already a doctor when you met me. You knew what you were signing up for, no?”

Siobhan got up from the table and started to pace their tiny dining area like a caged tiger. He watched her, perplexed. Finally she ground out, “It’s more than that.”

“So tell me.”

She kept pacing, biting on her thumb nail like she always did when she was edgy. “I don’t think we… see eye to eye… on the future.”

“Since when?” he asked. But even as the words came out of his mouth, he had a feeling he knew what she was going to say.

And she said it, whirling on him with fire in her eyes. “They offered you that plastic surgeon position, and you turned it down. Didn’t even consult me about it, didn’t take my feelings into account!”

He blew out a long, slow breath, trying to control his temper. They’d had this fight before, and he’d thought they’d put it behind them. Obviously not. “That’s not what I want to do, Siobhan. I didn’t have to consult with you on that, because I knew straight away it’d make me miserable.”

“But if we—”

“There’s not really a ‘we’ there, love,” he said sharply. “
I’m
the one who’d be doing the job day in, day out. Not you. And I’d hate it.”

“But think of the prestige!” she hissed, leaning on her hands on the table. “The money, the circles we’d be in, all of that! You didn’t even think of me!” Standing over him, he thought she looked momentarily possessed.

His jaw was clenched so hard, he thought his teeth would lose enamel. “I want to be a pediatrician,” he ground out. “That’s what I want to do, more than anything. And if you really loved me, you’d support me in that.”

“Well maybe I don’t anymore!” she shouted. They both froze, staring at each other.

Slowly, he rose from the chair, never breaking eye contact. “What are you saying, Siobhan? Speak plainly.”

“I thought I wanted to be a doctor’s wife,” she finally said. “Maybe I don’t anymore. I don’t know if I love you anymore. Since you turned that chance down, I’ve been reassessing our future, and I’ve been so angry… I don’t even feel like I love you.”

His skin had gone cold. The air felt stuck in his lungs. “Well. You sound like you’ve been thinking about this for a while.”

“Aye, I have.” She’d swept her thin blonde hair back from her face as she kept pacing. “Gavin, you’ve never been anything but lovely. But I… well, I think…”

“Just say it,” he ground out.

Siobhan stared at him for a long time. Gavin’s heart pounded in his chest, and nausea crept into his stomach.

“I think we should break up. I think we want different things. I don’t think we’re suited after all.”

For a moment, Gavin felt like the world tilted… everything went silent, and he couldn’t breathe. Then it came back in a whoosh, slamming him in the gut. He nodded stiffly and bit out, “Fine.”

“Fine?
Fine?
” She gaped at him. “That’s all you have to say?”

“Well, if you don’t love me, and you’re nothing but angry with me, why would I beg you to stay?” His hands raked through his hair. “I don’t want someone who’s more concerned with being a social climber than if her man is happy or not. And I sure as hell don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.” He looked into her eyes, and suddenly felt as though he were looking at a stranger. When had this chasm occurred, and why hadn’t he seen it happening? “Tell me I’m wrong.”

She said nothing. The spots of pink high on her cheeks flushed even darker.

He asked quietly, “Do you still love me, Siobhan?”

“No, Gavin. I’m sorry. I don’t.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “When you blew up our future without taking
my
needs into consideration, something just died in me.”

The words pierced his heart, filled his insides with ice, but all he did was nod again. “
Your
needs. I see. Well… I guess that’s that, then.” Feeling his heart thump around behind his ribs, he walked past her to grab his coat. “I need some air,” he managed to say before leaving the flat.

In a daze, he got outside and started walking. She didn’t love him anymore. He wondered now if she ever really had. Because his worst fear, the one that had been gnawing at him since he’d turned down that position, had just been confirmed: she didn’t love him, but the
idea
of him. Of being a successful doctor’s wife, moving in fancy circles, only caring about the money. He hadn’t taken her needs into consideration? What about his needs? What about him, at all?

Everything he’d been working towards with their future in mind was for nothing. Just like that, they were over.

He’d felt her to be more distant than usual the past few weeks, but whenever he’d asked if her if she was all right, or if she’d wanted to talk, she’d insisted she was fine and gone back to whatever she’d been doing. Now he ached, wondering what he could have done differently. How had they gone so wrong? How’d he been so blind? That the girl he’d given his heart and dreams and body and four years of his life to… been planning a future with… maybe never truly loved him at all.

He’d walked around for hours that night, just trying to absorb it all…

“Gavin? Earth to Gavin.” Toni’s voice broke through his miserable stroll down memory lane. “You zoned out. Are you tired? We could go back home if you want.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” he assured her. “Sorry. Got lost in my thoughts.” He looked out the window. “We’re here?”

“Yup. Found a parking spot and everything.” Toni shot him a grin as she turned off the engine. “A long walk on the boardwalk, the ocean, the sky, my wonderful company—it’ll all wake you up again.”

“Your company
is
wonderful,” he said softly. “I’m enjoyin’ tonight.”

“Oh, good. I am, too.” She smiled wider, her natural warmth comforting him. “C’mon, let’s go.”

‡

T
he morning of
the Fourth of July blazed bright and hot. It was a total beach day, but the five housemates were busy prepping for their big bash. Wren, Joe, and Anna cleaned the house while Toni and Gavin went to the supermarket to load up on food and drinks. When they returned, the house was ready for guests. Joe and Gavin put away the food and carried cases of beer out to the back deck.

By three o’clock, the deck had about forty people on it, friends of each of the housemates who’d come to party. Wren had set up speakers somewhere and upbeat dance music played while everyone ate, drank, and made merry.

Toni watched the revelry around her with the heat of the sun beating down, unforgiving in its midsummer glory.

She was so glad to be there, amongst friends, on her own turf. The day before, she’d given in to her mother’s needling and spent the afternoon with her family, at her parents’ home a few towns away. It had been okay, the backyard barbecue… her dad at the grill, quiet and aloof as usual, but still happy to see her. Her aunt and uncle had been there, pleasant enough. Her mother only flung one or two of the usual barbs her way when she first got there.

“Have you met anyone? Really, Toni, you’ll be thirty soon, and then what?”

“That job pays you close to nothing and you don’t even like it. Maybe you should do something else?” And of course, Maria’s favorite jab. “When are you going to move out of that beach house and start acting like an adult?”

On that last comment, Toni had opened her mouth to shoot back a retort, but the door had opened and Princess Belle had swept in with her husband and their sweet little one-year-old daughter. Toni could barely tolerate Clark, but she adored her only niece. She just hoped they wouldn’t turn Winnie into a spoiled brat too soon. The little girl was so adorable.

“There she iiiis!” Maria rushed across the kitchen to lift the baby from her daughter’s arms. In a singsong voice that grated Toni’s nerves, she trilled in the baby’s face, “Hello, my sweetheart! Grandma’s so happy to see you!”

Toni gave perfunctory hellos, nuzzled her niece with love, then retreated to the backyard to escape the noxiousness that was her mother and sister together.

The afternoon dragged on, with Toni wishing she were back on her own back deck, joking with her friends and being near Gavin. She really liked him. The night before, just the two of them, had felt like a date even though it wasn’t one. They talked, they ate, they talked, they took a long walk on the boardwalk, they talked, they went down to the sand after it got dark and dipped their toes in the ocean… those electric blue eyes… that soft smile…