Holding On (20 page)

“
It’s fine.  Let’s
move this puke stain back to her room.”  He half smiles at me
because he knows I’m right.

Ace picks her up quickly and carries
her to her room, laying her down as if she were a newborn baby.
 Then wrapping her up without even trying to sneak a peek or
catch an accidental grope.  I go back to bathroom to get the
meds and cloth and come back and I pause by the door.  Ace is
talking to her with such gentleness now that I’m taken
back.

“
Sadey Bug, can you wake
up for a bit so you can take something for your fever?  You’re
not going to get better until it breaks then you can tell us how
you feel.  C’mon Sadey... eyes open for me, okay?”  Then
he leans down putting his lips against her forehead, pausing for
just a second, it looks like he’s adding this to his Sadey memory
box.

I never would have guessed.
 The little rat bag, man whore, instigator known as Ace is in
love.  Problem is, he’s in love with Sadey. You can hear it in
his voice.  Shit, this is not good.  
Not good.

“
She up yet?  She
needs to take some of this so we can break that fever.”

I act as though I’ve heard nothing but
Ace looks directly at me and then knows the break in my voice is my
new found knowledge and his secret is out.

I tilt my head to the side, “Ace,
honey… did you hear me?”  

“
No, here. You do this.
 I need a smoke.  I won’t leave till I know she’s better
so holler at me when she wakes.  Fuck.”

He tosses both the cloth
and pills at me.  Yes, he knows I know something is up.
 Although he didn’t tell me himself, I heard him.  I
heard every crack in his voice and shake in his hands.  You
don’t need words to be in a room with Ace when Sadey is within
eyesight or hearing distance.  You can hear it in the air, the
traitorous sounds of someone in love.

Few minutes later, Sadey
comes to for me and accepts the meds, cold water, and cold cloth.
 I tell her to go back to sleep and let me know if she needs
anything.  She asked where Hem has gone, said she felt and
heard him with her earlier.  I cringe, damn she thinks Ace was
Hem and that’s not okay with me.

“
No baby that was Ace.
 Hem still tied up at church tonight with the club meetings so
Ace came to help me with you, you were scaring me girlfriend.
 You look better so I’m going to let you rest and tell Ace he
has the rest of the night off, now he can go wash your puke off his
cut.”

I laugh because she looks horrified,
even in sickness she’s embarrassed.  I give her a wink and
close the bedroom door.  Ace and I are going to talk and I
don’t want her to hear this.

I walk to living room and
kitchen, no Ace.  I see his boots at the front door so I know
he’s still here.  Looking out the back door I can now see the
cherry from his cigarette glowing as he takes a hit from it.
 Gathering my muster I head for the door.  Ace and I
don’t always agree, but now I know we have Sadey in common.
 It is in everyone's best interest that Ace knows where Sadey
wants to be and that’s with Hem.

Opening the door to the deck I sit
next to Ace on the bench.  

“
She’s better.  Gave
her some water and meds and laid the cool cloth on her head.” He
says nothing to me.  Just stares ahead lost in thought.
 

“
You alright, Ace?
 You want to talk about something?”

He puts out his cigarette and turns
his head to me.  Looking sad he says, “No. What would you like
to talk about, Mace?”  

Unsure how fragile the ground I’m
about to walk on is I carefully start to tread and say as I put my
hand on his knee, “Ace, I heard you with her.  People don’t
usually have such endearing nicknames for those they consider just
a friend, what’s up?  You can tell me.  I’ve known Sadey
all her life and I also know she’s oblivious to anyone who may find
her attractive.”

“
Really, Mace?  You
want to talk to me about this?  Cause I’m pretty certain this
violates about a thousand codes.  Friends’ code, brother code,
Club code, fuckin’ pick one.  All are equal to me not being
able to talk to anyone right now.  I’m glad she’s okay.
 She scared me a bit.  When you called and told me she
was sick, I just thought maybe Sadey was being Sadey.  Maybe
overdramatizing and faking for some attention since Hem has been so
caught up in finding Switch.”  

“
What?  Switch still
underground hiding?  Shit.”  I lost focus.
 

“
Yes.”  He stares
ahead and I’m coming to a loss for words, but thinking about how it
felt to have to watch Shame for so long I really can understand how
Ace is feeling so I’m trying to help without breaking any ‘codes’.
 

“
Ace, ya know it’s okay to
have feelings for someone even though they don’t return those
feelings.  I know first-hand how hard it is, but it isn’t
impossible to move on from them.”

“
Mace, I would be all
sorts of killed for saying this to you.  I know you don’t like
me so it wouldn’t break your heart if I were out of the club or in
the hospital due to injuries caused from Hem or Shame.  I
don’t just have feelings for her.  I think I’m in love with
her.”

Oh shit!

“
I’m
telling you that I
know
I’m in love with her.  That night you found
us in her car outside the Club, that wasn’t the only time she and I
had been together.  Sure we messed around before, but I tried
to tell her several times how interested I was in being with her.
 I was an idiot because I went about it all wrong.  I was
so confused because I have never had any feelings like these come
to the surface, Mace.  When she’s around it is as if my life
has never been shit.  I never felt lost and I certainly never
felt alone.  Sadey makes me laugh, no one makes me laugh, no
one.  She doesn’t do anything to draw me to her, it’s just
something that comes naturally.  Aside from being freaked the
fuck out about these remote feelings, then she tries to sleep with
me, giving me her ‘V  Card’ that night, as you put it.
 That has to mean something, doesn’t it?  Before Hem
finally pulled his big head out of his ass, I think there was
something between us.  Then he swoops in and she’s gone from
me, just like that.  I don’t ever see her anymore, or talk to
her.  I miss her and our friendship.  Problem is,
although her feelings for me changed because of Hem, I still feel
the same for her.  I just don’t know what to do.  The
Club is my life.  I’m not patched in but soon I hope to be.
 I’m unsure I can do that now, seeing them together all the
time and him touching her and hearing her talk to him it just makes
me crazy.  I want to be that for her and now I can’t.
 I’m such an idiot.”  His voice cracks and my heart
cracks for him.

“
I’m so sorry, Ace.
 You can trust me with this though.  I am here to listen
when you need me, okay?  I have to tell you, I have misjudged
you.  I won’t lie, I wanted to kick your ass from here to
Sunday for some of the things you said about Sadey and wanting to
bag and tag her but here you are, admitting your feelings for her,
your real feelings and I just want you to know I’m sorry for what a
bitch I can be.”

He stands, collecting his
cigarettes and lighter from the bench and he looks so sad. “I’m
sorry I was an ass.  Tell her I was here and I said to take
care of herself.  If you need anything while Shame is away
this week, just call okay?”  

Did I just hear him right?
 Shame’s leaving and I’m hearing about it from Ace, although
now knowing he’s a decent guy, he’s still a prospect.  I’m
irked.  Glad I’m under darkness so I can just let him believe
I already knew.  

“
Take care, Ace and thanks
again for the help and also the talk.”

“
Yeah well, don’t expect
me to get all soggy and mushy again like you chicks get.  One
time shot because she scared the shit outta me.”  He smiles
and starts to turn away.

“
Ace, believe this or not,
I will see you soggy and mushy again.  I’m counting on it.
 Now get outta here and go protect that barstool of yours,
wouldn’t want one of the newer prospects moving in on your familiar
territory.” He laughs at that, good to hear him laugh.

“
I’m going to stop in and
just check on her again, if that’s alright with you?”

“
Yes, but umm don’t...
well just stay...uh... you know...”

“
Ok mother, I hear you
again loud and clear.  No touching!”

With that he closes the door and heads
inside, leaving me to wonder how I could have missed his feelings
for her and also wondering how the hell to keep that from Hem.
 Hem is a romantic and they can spot each other out from miles
away.  Oye.

Chapter
Ten
:

“
This was the price you paid for sleeping
together. This was the end of the trap. This was what people got
for loving each other.”   

--Ernest Hemingway

Today has started as shit.
I mean, from the moment I opened my eyes I’ve been asking for a bad
day.  I have to believe it can get better from here
though.

It is my first day at my
new job.  I got a callback from the local library here in
town, which is good because the commute time is short and this
allows me to sleep longer in the mornings.  It has already
been established that Mace likes to sleep and Mace without enough
sleep is a bad idea in every aspect. They called me after a few
days after I had interviewed me and told me I had the job if I
wanted it.  However now, today of all days, I’ve overslept.
 Thank goodness I talked Shame into letting me sleep at home
last night alone so that I could read over the material for today.
 I was up late cramming with information about the library
layout, history, owners, and future opportunities.  I want to
be well ready and prepared for anything they may throw at me but
come, on it’s a library job how hard could this be really?
 Most people no longer even go to an actual library since the
click from home is so much easier, oh our lazy society.  I’m
one of those people who has an appreciation for books though.
 You know those people when you see us. We like the old
fashion, hold it in my hands, and check it in and out kind of
books.  This makes me the stereotypical book nerd, I just
don’t care though.  

Today, I don’t care about
much really.  I’m pissed I woke up late and now I’m going to
be walking in there looking like a hot mess. I didn’t even get
lucky last night before leaving a pouty Shame, so I have nothing
good to show for this late arrival.  Maybe they won’t even
notice, I could be over reacting.  Lack of sleep causes things
to become out of focus for me.

After getting myself and
all of my stuff together, I head to the kitchen to see that both
Hem and Sadey are sitting at the table with coffee, looking
uncomfortable just being around one another.  They are not
sitting close (or more accurately, Sadey isn’t sitting on Hem’s
lap) and there's obvious tension in the room, I can feel it.
 Hem won’t look at me and Sadey looks lost in thought.  I
make it to the coffee pot without a word being said from either of
them and I’m not exactly in the mood to throw some cheer at the
situation since I’m already late.

Pouring myself a cup of
coffee to go along with me and grabbing my lunchbox from the
fridge, I am wanting to escape the quiet of this room so I turn to
head out the door.  Before I make it there though I take a
quick pause, and I stop in front of Sadey.  

Hem is a brute.  He
has about him a tendency to be very dark and moody when he is
stressed or feels pressured.  Right now, he’s testing Sadey.
 Pushing her buttons, maybe because things at the club are
starting to feel a little out of control due to the upcoming party
tonight. So sensing Hem’s obvious mood, I lean into her and hug her
tight around her shoulders as she sits, and I am balancing my
lunchbox and coffee with the same arm.  She doesn’t respond
but I hear her take in a quick breath and release it so I know
she’s not unaffected by my obvious support.  Hem doesn’t miss
it as he shoots me a glare and as I glance at him I can tell that
my big brother appears to be in full pout mode, I scoff in his
direction.  It isn’t fair to me to side with Sadey without
knowing what is really going on but I’m a woman and it just happens
to be that we live by our own codes, that being we believe hoes
before bros.  

Suffer Hem, you overgrown baby, it
won’t kill you.  With this, I turn to leave.

The short commute to work is easy, I
love that I’m just three minutes away.  During that short
drive I have practiced a fake smile and when I look at the clock to
see that although technically I’m not late, I still only have about
three full minutes to spare.  I try to let go of this rough
morning, hoping this day will only get better.  

Walking into the library
I’m reminded about how excited I was when I got the job offer and
accepted it earlier this week.  I love this place.  It
has an almost historical ambiance to it.  I stand by the door
looking for anyone to greet me. The door was open so I know someone
is here.  Hours of operation don’t begin for another hour but
we have to prep the books and get late slips ready before doors
open so we know who and what to expect for our day.