If You're Gone (9 page)

“Hey there, hot stuff!” Thomas shouted to Anna as he leaned out the driver’s side window of the SUV.

I sighed and ducked my head to exit the car, gently shutting the door behind me. Tess and Anna stood gossiping behind the bumper. Tess turned towards me with a smile, showing off the blonde tips she had added to her dark locks over the summer.

“Lillian, I thought you were going to spend homeroom in the car!” she exclaimed with a laugh. “What took you so long?”

I shrugged my shoulders and looked towards Thomas as he watched us from behind the tinted windshield.

“It’s just Thomas, Lil,” Anna said. “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you he was assigned to Brad’s space. He was planning to park in the gravel lot, out of respect for Brad, but then his first-period class got changed to the east wing and it just doesn’t make much sense for him to walk from the exact opposite end of the building...”

“And I know Brad is still missing, Lil,” Tess interjected. “But he wouldn’t have been parking here, anyway. Because he graduated, I mean.”

Anna’s eyes searched mine for a reaction but my expression was blank. I didn't want to admit that Tess was right. The SUV continued to run as Thomas sat inside it, watching us.

“I really am sorry, Lil… we told him it was okay, but we should have talked to you first…” Anna trailed on.

“It’s fine,” I finally said. “You’re right. Brad doesn’t go here anymore.”

Our eyes locked for a moment before I looked to Thomas and gave him a nod. In response, the hum of the black SUV went silent and Thomas stepped out.

“Hey Lil,” he said, extending one arm to hug me. “How are you?”

“I’m here,” I grunted.
What am I supposed to say? Oh, I’m fine, great actually, thanks for asking?

Thomas laid a quick smack on Anna’s lips and motioned towards the school. “All right, ladies. Shall we?”

Mandy, followed closely by her summer fling Parker Felton, rushed to join Tess and Thomas as they headed for the side entrance to the building. The group went on chatting and laughing like normal high school seniors who hadn’t lost a peer just months earlier. I had known coming back to school would be hard, but nothing could have prepared me for the utter happiness that was occurring all around me. Dragging my feet, I tried to follow the group, but I felt as though I was sinking into the pavement.

“Hey, are you sure it’s okay?” Anna asked, hanging back. “I can tell Thomas it’s not going to work out and he can just park in the other lot, it’s really no problem at all. He won’t care...”

“No, no.” I shook my head. “Thanks, though. It’s fine.”
It is just a parking space, after all. If all I have left of Brad is a patch of black asphalt then things are worse than I thought.

“I knew you’d be cool,” Anna said as she nudged me with her elbow. “Now come on, Lil. Everything’s going to be fine. We’re almost out of here! Senior year!”

I nodded and forced a tight-lipped smile, watching as she rushed towards the open doors. Anna joined our group inside the building, leaving me alone on the other side. I stopped for a moment and took a deep breath as the students around me funneled into the school like livestock. I took my first step onto the concrete floor of the east wing just as a shrill bell rang from above my head. The doors behind me swung shut. I was trapped in my own little educational nightmare.

Anna and Thomas rushed through the crowded hallway and I found myself lost in a pool of students. I'd had many nightmares about this exact scene. Sometimes I was naked and other times I was disfigured, but in every dream I was alone and surrounded by eyeballs. I walked towards my homeroom, knowing I was fully clothed, yet I still felt so exposed.

A girl I had sat beside in Geometry the year before, Cadence Campbell, stood by the wall and kept her eyes locked on me as I moved. The moment I looked her way she snapped her head towards her locker to avoid my gaze. I let out a heavy sigh. The hallway chatter was loud but I could still make out sentences that seemed to be about me.

“Wow, she’s actually here.”

“You know, they still don’t know what happened to that guy.”

“I was lab partners with Brad last year. Lillian’s nice, but something always seemed a little off with him.”

“Poor thing.”

“Wow, is that really her?” one girl asked her friend. “She looks terrible!”

I was no longer normal to my peers. In fact, I wasn’t even Lillian anymore. I was just ‘that girl who knew the missing guy.’
And yes, ‘knew’.
Brad wasn't referred to in the present tense.

****

I spent first period in a daze. Mr. Liner, my homeroom teacher, went over important dates coming up on the school calendar, including the fall formal and the last day for students to pay club dues, and passed out letters to our parents about scheduling senior photos. He offered me a flyer with information on auditions for the drama society's upcoming musical, but I didn't accept it.

“Don't you usually like to perform, Miss White?” he asked.

“I used to,” I told him. “I'm just not into it anymore."

“That's a shame,” he said as he sat the flyer back on his desk.

You're telling me
.

After walking like a zombie down the halls, I made it to second-period calculus and aimlessly scribbled illegible notes in an old notebook from the year before. As I flipped the page I discovered a forgotten handwritten note on a blue shred of construction paper that I had slipped into the notebook that spring.

Hey Lillian! Get back to work! XOXO

I remembered the exact moment I received the note, and how I had blushed when I found it tucked in the pages of my textbook. Brad and I had gotten together the night before to study for the history class we took together, and we sat on my living room floor with books and flashcards strewn across the carpet, doing much more laughing and flirting than studying. I never needed much help in world history anyway, but a study date meant an opportunity to spend a school night together without a hassle from my parents. When I discovered the note before the test the next day I had looked across the classroom at Brad and he gave me a wink. I loved how special it was to share a private moment with him in a room full of people.

“Lillian?”

I heard my name and just as I glanced across the room I saw him. There sat Brad only a few desks over, looking back at me and smiling.
He wasn’t gone after all; he’s been here all along!
His smile was peaceful and content and I wanted to jump out of my chair and wrap my arms around him, never letting go. I smiled back as he tossed his shaggy blond hair out of his face without breaking his eyes away from mine.

“Lillian?”

I heard a voice again, but this time it was a woman’s voice. I looked back towards to front of the classroom to find my teacher standing above my desk.

“Lillian, can you solve the equation?”

“What?”

I glanced towards the white board behind her head at the complicated math problem before looking back to Brad. There in his place sat another blond-haired guy, staring at me with a puzzled look on his face. I suddenly thought I was going to be sick.

“The equation on the board…”she said again. “Lillian, are you okay?”

My breathing became heavy as I fought back a panic attack.
I can’t do this. I knew I couldn’t do this. Why did everyone think I could do this?
My eyes filled with tears and the milk I had forced down for breakfast was quickly making its way back up into my throat.

“I’m sorry. I just need some air.”

I snatched my book bag from under the desk and shoved my notebook inside, stumbling over my own feet as I rushed out of the room. I could feel the entire class’s eyes on me as I pushed the door open and fell out into the hallway.
I have to get out of here.
I raced through the empty halls towards the first exit I could find until I was alone in the daylight outside the school walls. I was free, yet still trapped in the true story of my life.

I stopped for a moment to realize what I was doing. I had never cut class in my entire career as a student; in fact, I was rarely even tardy. But I wasn’t the same person I had once been.
How can I be the same person when a part of me is missing? How can anyone expect me to be the same straight-A student after what I have gone through the past few months? How can they think I can walk down those halls and not see his face everywhere I turn?
I was suddenly overcome with the desire to run-run and leave it all behind. I tightened the straps of my backpack over my shoulders and took off into the parking lot.
Destination – anywhere but here.

1. Relationship Status:
   

It’s Complicated

Once I reached the busy downtown street I stopped to catch my breath, leaning my hands against my knees as I panted.
Deep breath in, deep breath out
. When I looked up I found myself in front of Crayborn’s Hardware Store, the neon sign blinking at me. Brad had worked there for the past few years, keeping the shelves stocked and assisting the locals who spent their afternoons picking out correctly sized screws and new wrenches. Mr. Crayborn was behind the counter, placing materials into a brown paper bag. He noticed me through the glass. He nodded and gave me a smile.

Seeing the familiar shelves of the store, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to call Detective Padron; it had been weeks since I had heard anything from him. I fished my cell phone from my pocket but the screen was black. The battery was dead after failing to charge it the night before. I backed away from the hardware store window and headed towards the diner I had frequented with Brad in search of a phone.

Inside the nostalgic fifties-style restaurant, the sweet scent of deep-fried dough and fresh baked desserts filled my nostrils. The aroma was overwhelming, but I wasn’t hungry. I leaned across the stainless steel counter as a wrinkled, frizzy-haired waitress came towards me.

“Hi there honey, what can I get you?” she asked, pulling a small notepad and pen from the breast pocket of her ruffled apron.

“I just need to use the phone.”

“Well certainly, sugar. Assuming it’s a local call. My boss gets real annoyed when we call long distance,” she replied with a chuckle as she lifted an old-fashioned, teal colored dial phone from beneath the counter.

“Yes, Ma’am.” I nodded, reaching for it.

“Bet you gotta call your sweetheart, don’t ya?” she asked with a wink.

“No Ma’am,” I whispered, sliding the phone towards me. The waitress backed away as I dialed. I had memorized the number three and a half months ago.

After three rings, a gruff voice picked up. “Morris County Police Department.”

I could barely hear him over the bustling noise in the background.

“Yes, Detective Padron, please. Tell him it’s Lillian White. I'm calling regarding Brad Lee’s case.” I held my hand over the mouth of the phone, hoping the other dining customers wouldn’t overhear. On the stool to my left, an older gentleman was peering at me over his newspaper.

“Yeah, hold on,” the man on the other end of the line said. Muffled jazz music played over the speaker as I waited.

The hanging bell on the door chimed and I turned to see the blue-eyed boy from the Fourth of July party entering the diner. He looked more rugged than I remembered, his dark locks of hair hung in his face and he wore a tattered gray hooded sweatshirt. His eyes caught mine as he walked by but I quickly looked past him at another familiar face. Hanging behind his head was one of Brad’s faded posters, tacked to a cluttered bulletin board between colorful business cards and advertisements. The poster asked the ominous question,
have you seen this man?

“Miss White?” Detective Padron came on the line, answering from a much quieter room. I cleared my throat and pressed the mouthpiece close to my face.

“Hello, Detective Padron. It’s just Lillian, I wanted to check in. Is there any new information? About Brad, I mean. Anything you can tell me?”

“No new leads. Few and far between, in fact.” His voice dripped with boredom as if I was calling about a missing wallet or a kitten stranded in a tree.

I sighed.
What did I expect he was going to say?
“Please don’t give up on Brad, Detective Padron,” I pleaded. “I need him to be found.” My voice broke as I spoke.
I need him to wake me up from this nightmare.

“Nobody is giving up, Lillian,” he said, more compassionately this time.

“Thank you, sir.”

“But, Lillian?”

“Yes, Detective?” I held my breath, praying for some encouraging words.

“I hope you understand that some people don’t want to be found.”

“Yes,” I sighed. “That may be true about certain people. But not…”

“You will be among the first to be informed if we get a break. I promise. Now get back to class.”

There was a click on the end of the line and he was gone. No condolences, no promises, not even a goodbye. Even the people who were supposed to keep our community safe and bring Brad home were moving on. I hung up the phone and stood to leave, nodding to the waitress as I left.