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Authors: Adrienne Torrisi

In an Instant (10 page)

BOOK: In an Instant
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Chapter Fifteen

Present – Hospital

 

There is nothing but the black abyss again. It’s peaceful. I think I might want to stay here to avoid reality. Then I feel a warm hand in mine. A callused thumb is running circles over my thumb. It’s a touch I don’t recognize. They aren’t saying anything, but this gentle motion is so soothing I hope it doesn’t ever end. The room stopped spinning again, and I’m grateful for that, but then reality slams into me all at once when the last memory I have flashes through my brain. I was in Jake’s room with Nate.

Jake!

My eyes fly open and land on Dax. It was Dax’s touch.
I love Dax.

I think about how much and how great he is, and then I realize I’m on something. They gave me drugs again. I hate that they make me cloudy. Happy but cloudy.

“There you are.” He gives me a gentle smile as his hand releases mine, and he runs his fingers over my forehead, grazing the tape holding the bandages in place.

“Here I am. What did they give me?” I ask. My voice sounds groggy.

“Something to help you calm down, which knocked you out for a while. I wish they’d give me something.” He looks up to the ceiling and gives a small chuckle. When his eyes come back down to meet mine, the pain is clear, and I know.

“It’s over, isn’t it?”

He moves his hands to the rails of my bed and grips them so tightly his knuckles instantly turn white. He squeezes his eyes shut and hangs his head down, giving the smallest of nods. His hands don’t loosen their grip; instead, he squeezes them even more tightly, as if this is the only thing he can do to keep it together. He finally leans forward and rests his forehead on his hands.

Chills run through me as I take a deep, painful breath. It feels as though a knife is slicing my heart open when the reality of his silence sinks in.

I want to say something to help him get through this, but the words won’t come out. I feel the exact same way, and there are no words to say. Nothing can fix this.

The room is filled with silence except for our breathing, I see his back rise and fall with each occasional deep intake of breath. Watching him is painful, but I’m glad he is able to cry. I don’t think I have any tears left. I feel numb. Broken and numb.

His grip finally loosens, and he lifts his head, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes, using them to wipe away the tears. Then his eyes finally meet mine. They are so red and swollen it breaks my heart again. He looks back up to the ceiling, his focus on the foam tiles.

“I’m sorry, Dani.”

Though I already knew, his words are like daggers. He shouldn’t be apologizing to me; he knows the truth.

“I’m sorry, too,” I barely choke out. Not from tears, but from guilt. Though there are so many questions I want to ask, I don’t think Dax could handle them right now.

His eyes come back down to meet mine. “It was quick. His heart stopped, and that was it. It was right after they took you back to your room.”

There is a lump so large in my throat I can barely breathe. I picture Marcus lying there, the lines flat, no more rise and fall. Even the machines couldn’t keep him here.

Dax grips the bed rails again, his voice regaining some steadiness. “His parents were really calm. They said he got to say good-bye to everyone he loved, and it was time.” Dax barely gets those last words out. “Luke lost it, though.”

My heart sinks and slams at the same time.
Luke.
I know how close they are—were.

Dax wipes his tears with his palm as quickly as they fall.

“There’s good news, though. Jake is awake. They pulled him out of sedation. He’s doing really well.”

“Does he know about Marcus?” the question flies out.

Dax shakes his head. “No,” he says softly.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Me?”

“Jake’s parents thought it might be best if it came from you.” His deep red eyes land on mine, and he gives me a watery smile.

My heart is a jackhammer in my chest. “Do they know about us?” I try to sit up, but it’s too painful to move, and my reactions are delayed thanks to whatever they gave me.

Dax shakes his head emphatically. “No, they just know you’ve always been close, and they know how much Marcus meant to both of you.”

His eyes are laser locked on mine. I try to read them to see if there is any deeper meaning.

The jackhammer has moved from my heart to my head, and I breakout into a cold sweat. Can you die from guilt? Because I’m pretty sure that is what is happening to me.

“I can’t, Dax.”

“I know.” He wipes away tears that I didn’t even know were there. I guess I can cry.

“Does anyone else know about us?” The jackhammer is now in both my head and my heart.

Dax looks away and shifts his gaze to the door.

“Dax!”

Once his eyes come back to meet mine, he takes a deep breath as if this pains him to say. “I think Cam suspects, and I think Mel might have an idea.”

“How?”

“Well, I think a lot of stuff came out the night of the accident. It started after you both disappeared right after the win. Jake wasn’t on the court, and he wasn’t in the locker room, and the only other person missing was you.” He smiles at the memory, but my heart is slamming in my chest.

Mel can’t know. We need to end it before we hurt anyone else.

“Is she awake?” I ask with trepidation.

“Yeah, she’s been asking for you. Hanna and Em are with her right now.”

So that’s how it’s going to be. I guess Hanna and Em are taking sides.

“Do they know?”

“I don’t think so,” Dax says, and my heart slows a little.
Okay, maybe I’m overreacting. I blame the drugs still coursing through my veins.

Part of me is dying to see Jake, to talk to him. I’m so relieved he is awake, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to tell him Marcus is gone forever.

“If Jake is awake, does that mean he’s out of danger? Is he going to be okay?”

Dax gives me his first big smile with a head nod. “Yeah, he’s good. The doctors say he can’t play in the game, though, since it’s so soon, and he has three broken ribs. But he doesn’t know that yet either.”

“Shit. Well, one piece of devastating news at a time, I guess.” I give him a smile. If I don’t, I will lose it. I feel it. I’m on the brink of breaking, and if I do, I’m not sure I will ever be able to come back.

I can’t believe Marcus is gone. It doesn’t seem possible. He was a healthy, vibrant eighteen-year-old three days ago with an incredible future ahead of him. It’s mind crushing how quickly that has changed.

***

Jake is still on the ICU floor. When the elevator doors open, it feels like a giant elephant is sitting on my chest.

Dax tightens his grip on me. “Come on, D. You can do this. I think he’ll take it best from you.”

His strong hold helps me physically start to move, but it’s his words that give me the strength I need to actually do it. I keep replaying them.

As we turn the corner, I see Jake’s parents. They are holding hands. The first feeling of joy I have felt in days swarms me. Maybe something good is coming out of all of this if they are back together. I know that will mean the world to Jake.

But whatever joy I feel is smothered as soon I pass Marcus’s room. Seeing the bed he was in with nothing but a clean sheet, no machines, nothing … It’s stark, sterile, and empty. At the same time, I realize his parents and Luke aren’t here. I hate the reason why.

Jake’s mom steps in front of me with open arms and a warm smile, but it makes me think of Marcus’s mom, and I suddenly can’t breathe.

Her smile turns to concern. “Dani, are you okay?” she asks anxiously. She turns to Jake’s dad. “We should get the nurse.”

“No. She’s okay, right, D? You’re okay.” Dax tightens his grip to help support my body weight as I crumble emotionally. He knows as well as I do, if I lose it and they call the nurse, they will give me more drugs and make me go back to my room. Then there is no way I could tell Jake. I hate that they kept it from me for so long. I don’t want to do that to Jake.

From somewhere deep within, I find the strength to pull it together enough to convince Jake’s overly concerned parents.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I say with a forced smile. It’s as much as I can give at the moment, although knowing I’m just a few steps away from seeing Jake helps me gain strength with each breath I take.

“You have a visitor,” Dax says when he opens the sliding glass door to Jake’s room.

Seeing him awake sets my pounding heart at ease. This is right. It should be me. It has to be me.

“Daniella,” Jake says breathlessly. There is a visible change in him when his eyes meet mine. He tries to sit up straighter, but he winces with the movement. “How are you? I’ve been asking everyone.” It’s as if we haven’t seen each other in years. So little time has passed, yet so much has happened.

“It’s true. He wouldn’t shut up about it.” Dax smiles as he helps me into the chair next to Jake’s bed. Seeing them fall back into their typical banter gives me hope that maybe things will be normal again someday. “I’ll give you guys a minute.” Dax gives us both a warm smile as he slides the door shut.

I catch a glimpse of Jake’s parents through the glass, stress is pouring off them. They are obviously concerned about how he’s going to handle this news. So am I.

Jake reaches out and runs his fingers over the bandages on my forehead. He looks battered and in pain, but he’s still Jake. His eyes are the same, his smile the same, dimples the same, and the love he has for me is the same.

“I was so worried about you,” he says softly. I start to talk, but he stops me. “No. Don’t you see you are the one person I can’t live without? You are the one person I need. This accident proves we should be together. We need to be together.” Saying all of this takes a lot out of him. He’s losing his breath easily. I guess breathing is still difficult for him without the machines.

“Jake,” I start. “I feel the same way, but something happened.”

“What does that mean?” he asks.

I can’t bring myself to actually tell him.

“Jake, I was so worried about you, too. Seeing you here, I felt so helpless.”

“I know, Dani. I thought they were keeping something from me. I thought something might be wrong. But seeing you, knowing you are okay”—he shakes his head—“that’s all that matters. Mel and Marcus will understand.”

The heart that was slamming in my chest drops to my feet. “Well, that’s the thing. Something did happen. Mel is okay, but Marcus …” I don’t finish. I can’t. I hope he will fill in the blanks.

“Marcus, what?”

It’s so unbelievable that it’s not even something he would consider. If anyone could have survived, it would have been Marcus. I know this. It’s exactly how I felt before, too.

I close my eyes. I see it from the other side now and know how difficult it must have been for Dax to tell me.

“He’s gone, Jake,” I finally blurt out quickly, thinking if I say it fast, maybe it will hurt less.

Jake just stares at me with a questioning look.

I can’t bring myself to say it again. He must read my pain perfectly, and it begins to register. He cocks his head to the side and narrows his eyes.

“What does that mean?” He shakes his head. “It can’t mean that. There’s no way. He was in the front. He can handle anything.” I see the tears start to well up in Jake’s eyes as realization settles in. He is lost, and I want to help him, but I don’t know how.

“It’s that, Jake. It’s exactly what you are thinking isn’t possible.” I close my eyes when I say it. “He’s gone, Jake. Gone …” I whisper that last part more to myself.

Jake shakes his head. “No!” he shouts. “No. That is not possible.”

I know he’s not yelling at me, so I take it. I take it better than I ever thought I would.

Jake balls his hands into fists and punches the bed. “No! It’s not true.” He’s gasping, yet he’s ignoring it. He doesn’t care that he can’t catch his breath. He just keeps shouting louder. “No! It’s not possible. He’s not gone. He’s fine. He’s okay.”

A doctor comes barreling in. “Jake, you need to calm down, or we’re going to have to sedate you again to help you calm down.”

Before I know it, there is loud beeping, and doctors swarm in. I’m whisked out of the room. I see his doctor putting an oxygen mask over Jake’s mouth and nose while the other doctors help hold him down. His doctor makes him take a few deep breaths, and then the beeping begins to steady.

Jake calms down enough to pull the mask off. “I’m okay. I need to talk to Dani.” His eyes meet mine, and for once, I’m grateful for the glass doors.

“Your vitals tell me you’re not okay,” the doctor says as he eyes Jake’s heart monitor. “Now keep the mask on and breath in as deeply as possible.” He nods to the nurse with the syringe, and she injects something into his IV.

I know from experience of being on the receiving end of that syringe that our conversation is over for now.

BOOK: In an Instant
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