Indulgence (148 page)

“Yes. I thought you knew that.”

“No. I had no . . .” In one blinding flash, it hits me in
the gut.

Jaz. His ex-wife was married to my ex-husband. And then I
remember. He lived in Hollywood. And Phil moved out here because his wife
worked out here. Phil married Meredith Renzada, Jaz’s ex-wife. They’ve been
together about a year.

Something in my chest tightens and it’s hard to breathe. I
manage to stammer out, “Your dad. He came to Illinois because . . .”

“Because he needed a job. Kim, are you okay?” I can’t
imagine the expression I’m wearing when she says, “Maybe you should sit down.
You don’t look too . . .”

“No. I have to leave. I have to get out of here. Please tell
Leona that I was here and that I, I had to leave. I have to go.” I’ve already
turned and I’m heading toward the door, toward fresh air and the night sky and
anything and everything that’ll make my head stop spinning and my stomach stop
churning. Somewhere behind me I can hear Melissa calling after me, but I’m not
going to stop. I can’t.

Jaz came to Illinois looking for me. Was this some kind of
weird revenge thing for him? Find his ex-wife’s husband’s ex and . . . and what?
Marry me? And then divorce me? Hurt me? Maybe cut me up like she’d cut him up?
What? What was he trying to do? To prove?

I knew it was too good to be true. I couldn’t understand why
a man like Jasper Givens would want to be with me, and now I know he didn’t.
This was all some kind of weird plot, some twisted, convoluted shit that he
dreamed up. I make it to my rental car, gasping for breath. Once I’m inside it,
I lock the doors and sit for a few seconds, but when I see Melissa coming out
the doors, looking around for me, I start the car and pull out. I don’t know
where I’m going or what I’m doing, but I can’t stay here.

I drive for hours, not knowing where I am, just driving and
thinking, barely able to see for crying. I wander into some pretty dicey areas
of town, but I look around at the people standing on street corners, hooking
and dealing drugs, and all I can think is,
So what if they shoot me? Kill
me? Pull me out of the car and beat me or rape me? Nothing can be worse than
this. Nothing.
I keep driving and realize I’m out in the suburbs or
something. I’d turned off my phone out of respect, so I turn it on and turn on
my navigation system, then put in the motel address which, of course, I have to
look up on the internet because I have no idea what it is. And sure enough,
I’ve got about a dozen voicemails. The trip back to the little budget motel is
a blur as I turn whenever and wherever the nav system tells me to. I don’t look
around. I don’t know where I am, where I’ve been, or where I’m going.

I don’t know anything anymore. Finally in their parking lot,
I park and turn off the car. As I start to get out, I put my hand on the wheel
and there it is: The ring.

That’s when I dissolve. How could anyone play such a
horrible trick on me? How could he use me so carelessly to prove whatever point
he’s trying to prove? Was there
no
concern at all for my feelings? And I
realize that there wasn’t. This wasn’t about me at all. I was just lonely
enough and trusting enough to play the game. All the things he said to me, all
the ways he touched me, all a lie, just a big, nasty lie.

Stumbling through the motel room door, I manage to make it
to the bed before I collapse. My whole world is crumbling around me, and in
this moment, in the silence and unfamiliarity of the ugly little room, I just
want to die. What did I ever do to deserve this? Was I so horrible in a past
life that this is my comeuppance? And what do I do now? We’ve linked our lives
together with a home and other financial things. I have nowhere to go but back
to my tiny little house and my tiny little life. The life I thought I had with
Jasper
Givens?

It’s gone. It’s all over. How long did he think he could
keep this a secret from me? Was he planning to slash me in the night some
night, drive me into subspace and then mutilate me? Running ninety miles a
minute, my brain is throbbing with all of the hideous things rolling through it
like tumbleweed in Death Valley. I don’t know what to do or who to call. I’m
trying to figure out what my next move should be when my phone rings.

It’s him. I can’t. But I have to. I answer the phone and I
don’t say anything. “Hey! Hi, sweetie.” I can’t make my mouth form words. After
what I’m sure is only a few seconds but seems like hours, he asks, “Kimmie? Are
you okay, baby? Kimmie? I’ve called you like ten times.”

All I can do is growl out, “I know.”

There’s silence, followed by, “Then why didn’t you call me
back?”

“No, Jaz. I know. I know all about it.”

“About what?”

“Jaz, I’m in California.”

I hear him chuckle. “I know! I was worried about you. I
haven’t talked to you all day. You okay?”

“No. I know, Jaz. Quit pretending.”

The silence comes back, followed by, “Pretending about what?
Kimmie, you aren’t making any sense.”

“No, let me tell you what doesn’t make any sense. Why would
you do this? You told me you loved me. I love you. You let me fall in love with
you. Why would you do this, Jaz? I don’t understand.”

His voice is stern when he says, “Kimmie, what the hell are
you talking about? I have no idea what you’re . . .”

“Oh, stop it! How stupid do you think I am?” I’m shrieking
into the phone and I’m sure I’m waking up the people in the room next door, but
I don’t care. “You’re one helluva actor, I’ll give you that. So what was the
plan? Find me, woo me, and do what? Kill me? Cut me up? What was the plan, Jaz?
I want to know before I say goodbye for the last time.”

Now
he
starts shrieking into the phone. “Kimmie, what
the hell? What are you talking about? What’s going on out there? Kill you? Cut
you up? That’s insane! Where would you get that idea?”

He doesn’t have to know that I didn’t meet his ex-wife. “Oh,
I don’t know. Maybe Meredith?”

He just sounds pissed when he asks, “You talked to Meredith?
How in the hell did
that
happen?”

“Gee, Jaz, why don’t you tell me that, huh? Is that why you
didn’t want me to come out here? Are you back there packing up to disappear
before I get back?” I’m growing more agitated by the minute. “And the worst
part? I might’ve never figured it all out if it hadn’t been for Melissa.”

“What the hell does Melissa have to do with anything?”

“Because she’s here, Jaz. She’s how I found out.”

“Found out WHAT? Good god, Kimmie, you’re talking in
circles. I can’t make heads or tails out of anything you’re saying. Where is
Melissa and what is she doing there?”

“She was there, Jaz. She was at the funeral parlor when I
got there.”

“I don’t understand . . .”

“She was there for her mother.”

“Kimmie, I’m sorry. I have no idea what you’re talking
about. You went to your ex-husband’s visitation. What does that have to do with
Melissa or Meredith?”

“Really? This is how you’re going to play this?”

“Look, I’m really confused here. You’re screaming into the
phone at me, and you’re talking about Meredith and Melissa and I don’t know
what either of them have to do with why you’re in California. I’m sorry. I
must’ve missed something important in this conversation. And by the way, little
girl, those are some pretty serious accusations you’re leveling at me, whatever
the hell they are. I’m not even sure about that.”

“Stop it, Jaz. I know. I went to my ex-husband’s
visitation.” There’s silence. “And his wife was there.” Still silence. “You
know, his wife. The soap opera star. Meredith Renzada.”

“Whaaaa . . .”

“You’re going to tell me that you didn’t know my ex-husband
was married to your ex-wife?”

“Uhhh, yeah. That’s exactly what I’m going to tell you
because it would be true. Are you sure? Phil and Meredith? Seriously?”

A blind fury passes over me. “Stop it. Just stop. What was
this about, Jaz? Some kind of weird retaliation? Revenge? What? Why would you
do this to me?”

“Kimmie, I haven’t done anything to you. I’m as surprised
about this as you were. I had no idea . . .”

“I’m sorry. I don’t believe you.”

There’s dead silence on the other end of the phone. Minutes
tick by, and he still says nothing. Finally, I can’t stand it. “Well?”

“Well what? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to
confess to some kind of strange plot against you or Meredith or Phil or, hell,
I don’t know who? Because I can’t. It’s not true. I’m still trying to process
the fact that they were married.”

“You’re going to tell me that Melissa hadn’t told you?”

“No. We don’t talk about her mother. I don’t want to. I told
her a long time ago that she could do whatever she wanted, but I didn’t want to
see Meredith, talk to her, hear her voice on the phone, even hear her damn
name. I’m surprised Melissa’s there. They haven’t spoken in years, as far as I
knew. And besides, I doubt she knew Phil was your ex-husband. How could she?”

“So you expect me to . . .”

“I expect you to come home. I expect you to remember that I
love you and I’ve never lied to you about anything –
anything
. I’ve
always been straight with you, Kimmie, you know that.”

“I thought you had been.”

“What would make you doubt me?”

I’m so beyond furious that I don’t even know what to call
what I’m feeling. “Because there is no way this is a coincidence. Absolutely
not. It couldn’t possibly be.” My phone starts to beep. “I’ve got to go.
Someone else is calling me. I’ll get my things when I get back. And I don’t
want you there while I’m doing it.”

“But Kimmie, please –”

I just hang up and look at the phone, then hit ACCEPT.
“Hello?”

“Kimberly?”

“Yes.”

“It’s Leona, honey. Phil’s stepdaughter told me you’d been
there. Why didn’t you stay to see me? I was hoping you’d come – Davis was too.
And James was looking forward to seeing you.”

“I couldn’t stay. Did you know I was engaged?”

“Yes. I remember you said you’d check with your fiancé.
Congratulations, by the way.”

I wait to drop the bomb. “I was engaged to Meredith’s
ex-husband. Melissa’s dad.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. I didn’t know until I saw Melissa there. And Jasper
never told me anything except Meredith’s first name. He never told me that she
was married to Phil.”

“Wuh, uh, well, is it possible that he didn’t know?”

Now I’m really suspicious. “Are you in on this too?”

“In on what?”

“Leona, I can’t believe that he had no idea his ex-wife was
married to my ex-husband. Can’t believe it. Just can’t.”

I hear her snort before she says, “Now listen here,
Kimberly. I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I don’t have anything
to do with it, whatever it is. I’ve never wanted anything bad to happen to you.
Matter of fact, I was pretty pissed off at my brother for a long time after he
left you. And I certainly wouldn’t conspire to hurt you in any way.”

I just stand, phone to my ear, patting my foot impatiently
on the floor. Someone’s lying. Everyone’s lying. This is mind-bendingly
freakish. “Look, Leona, I can’t talk anymore. I don’t really know what’s going
on, and I need time to think. I’ll talk to you later.” Before she has a chance
to argue with me, I hang up. And damn it, I haven’t more than thrown the phone
down before it rings again: Melissa.

“What do you want?”

She’s crying. Wow – a whole family of thespians. Great. “Kimmie?
Please, Kimmie, Daddy told me what you said. Kimmie, he didn’t know. I never
told him her husband’s name, and he didn’t know, I swear! Please, he’s so
upset, please talk to him. He’d never hurt you, Kimmie, never. You have to know
that.”

“I don’t know anything anymore. Were you in on this too?”

“Wha . . . what? In on what? I don’t understand.”

“What was the plan, Melissa? He won’t tell me. Maybe you
should.”

“There was no plan! I’m telling you the truth! There was no
plan. Kimmie, honest to god, if you think my dad would do something like this,
you really don’t know him at all.”

That’s it, right there. “You’re right, Melissa. I think
you’re absolutely, positively, one hundred and fifty percent right. I think I
don’t really know him at all.” She tries to interrupt, but I just tell her
plainly, “You’re a sweet girl. I’ve enjoyed spending time with you. But this is
so, so, so fucked up that I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve got to go.
I’m upset and confused too.”

“But Kimmie –” I hang up on her just like I did the other
two. My brain is in a tailspin, and I really don’t know what to do except sit
and stare at the floor.

My phone keeps ringing – Jaz. I’m not answering it. Every
time he calls, he leaves a voicemail. I don’t want to listen to them. Then
Michael calls. “Kimmer, for the love of god, would you please tell me what’s
going on?” he barks into the phone.

So I explain everything while he listens silently. When I’m
finished, he just says, “I’m sorry, Kimmer. I can’t believe Jasper would do
anything like this to you. Have you talked to him about it?”

“Lies. All lies.”

“Honey, you should at least hear him out. The two of you
have gotten along so well, and you’ve been so happy together . . .”

“And all the while he was planning something horrible. I’m
positive of it.”

“Kimmer, that’s just ridiculous. I know how it looks, but
it’s ridiculous. It’s just a simple coincidence. I have to believe that.”

“Simple coincidence? Well, I don’t. It’s too much. Will you
at least support me in this? Please? I could use someone I can trust, because
it sure seems like I don’t have anyone right now.”

“Only on one condition.”

I feel it coming. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“That you come to our house and meet with him. Talk to him.
I just don’t believe he’d do something like that to you. I can’t. I mean, if he
wanted to do you in, he’s had ample opportunities. Why didn’t he just go ahead
and do it?”