Indulgence (273 page)

“Don’t you
ever
mention Shelly again!” I yelled, as I
desperately tried to fight off the guilt and shame that bubbled up whenever my
sister and mother were mentioned.

Will it ever end?

Pain pounded in my head as a headache set in. The headaches
were never ending these days, and I knew this one, like all the others,
wouldn’t ease up for at least the rest of today.

Stephanie stared hate at me as she held her face where I’d slapped
her. “Just stay away from Todd and I won’t ever mention her again. He’s mine
and I’m not gonna lose him to a whore like you.”

I stood stunned as the three of them gave me one last
venomous look before leaving me alone. What the hell? I wasn’t even interested
in her boyfriend. Slumping against the sink behind me, I ran through all my
interactions with Todd lately, trying to work out what she was referring to.
Lost in my thoughts, I was caught off guard when the door pushed open and Kick
barged in to the room, concern etched on his face.

His eyes found mine and he asked, “Are you alright?”

I rubbed my temples as the headache intensified. “Yeah, why?
And why are you barging into the girls’ toilets?”

He came toward me, the concern on his face shifting to something
else. Frustration. I knew that look from him well. “I saw those bitches leaving
and Stephanie said something about you being in here and needing me.” He paused
and came even closer, his eyes now demanding honesty from me. “I know you’re
not okay, Evie. When are you gonna admit it and ask for help?”

Always my protector. But this time you can’t save me.

The pain throbbed harder in my head and I struggled for
breath.

I can’t do this now.

I wrapped my arms around myself, my fingers clawing at my
arms, digging into my skin. Desperately wanting to force the despair and
hopelessness out of me.

“Don’t you see, Kick? Even if I ask for help, there’s
nothing you can do. Not this time.” He’d always been there for me, helping me
pick up the pieces when they smashed around me. I knew he thought he could fix
me, fix this horrible situation, but it was time
he
admitted it – no one
could fix this.

He listened to what I said, his body tensing as he processed
it all. Anger tore across his face and I gripped the sink as I waited for his
explosion. Kick had a temper and it was about to unleash itself. Although he
was only seventeen, I’d seen grown men shrink under his temper.

“Fuck!” he roared, turning around and punching the door. I
remained silent and simply watched as he punched it again, his back muscles
rippling under his tight t-shirt. Stephanie had been right when she’d said I
wanted Kick to see me as more than a friend. But even I knew that would never
happen. Although he was single now, he usually had a girlfriend or a girl he
was sleeping with. He was my best friend and that was all it would ever be. And
I’d made peace with that a long time ago. But it didn’t stop me admiring
everything Kick was.

Good-looking with olive skin, brown hair that begged for
fingers to be run through it, green eyes I could get lost in for days, and
built with muscles gained from hours of football training.

He turned back to face me and scrubbed his hand over his
face. “I’m gonna go and sort that bitch out for you once and for all. I’ve had
enough of watching them tear you down for something that wasn’t your fault.”

We stared at each other for a couple more moments before he
stalked out of the toilets.

Shit.

I had to stop him before he went too far.

I had to make him see.

This
was
my fault.

I deserved everything I got.

Evie

I’d hit it.

That moment in life when you grow weary of trying.

When you’ve taken so many steps forward and twice as many
back and you throw your hands in the air and say to fuck with it.

I was done.

Done caring.

Done wanting to care.

Done with it all.

Life could try and drag me back into the game all it liked,
but I was out.

As I sat in the afternoon traffic with tears streaming down
my face, I kept my hands firmly on the steering wheel and let them fall. Jeremy
was always telling me to let it all hang out, to not hide myself from the
world, so I was only honouring him by not giving a shit how bad I looked. And
yet, as we sat bumper to bumper, not moving, I was sure the driver in the next
car must have been looking at me, judging me. I glanced in his direction to
find him engrossed with his phone. I stared for a couple of minutes but he
never gave me the time of day.

Nobody cares, Evie
.

Not me, not him, and not the driver that killed Jeremy.

I sagged against the steering wheel as the pain sliced
through me.

Again.

It had been nearly a week and the pain was as intense as it
had been the day he died. But I knew from experience the pain would never go
away. Eventually, I’d numb myself to it, but still, I’d carry it with me to my
grave. Jeremy and I were entwined so deeply that some days I hadn’t known where
he ended and I began. We’d been a part of each other’s lives since we were ten.

Since Kick brought him home from school and declared him
a part of us now.

Shit.

And that was the kicker.

Now I’d lost both of them.

*****

It took me twice as long to get home from work than usual
due to the horrendous traffic. As I pulled into my driveway, I saw my best
friend, Maree, sitting on my front step. She hadn’t left me alone since
Jeremy’s death, and I was at the point where I needed some space. I loved her
dearly but she never knew when to back off.

Sighing, I grabbed my bag from the passenger seat and gave
myself a quick onceover in the mirror. Shit, I looked awful. My mascara wasn’t
waterproof after all, and I had black streaks running down my face. Add to
that, my foundation had worn off in the heat of the day and my long, brunette
hair had frizzed in the humidity, and I looked like a woman you would possibly
cross the road to avoid.

Maree came towards me as I stepped out of the car. “You look
like you need a girl’s night in,” she said, assessing me.

Maree was the kind of woman who never stepped foot outside
her house unless she was immaculately presented. Even after a long day at her
teaching job, with teenagers harassing her, she still looked good. Makeup still
perfect, blonde hair swept up into a ponytail, black dress almost wrinkle free
and heels not even affecting her feet. “I hate you, Maree,” I muttered, taking
it all in.

She raised a perfect eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because you always look good and it’s not fair,” I answered
as I walked past her to the front door of my house.

She followed close behind me. “Evie, have you taken a look
in the mirror lately? You could wear a goddamn sack and look hot. Without even
doing your hair or makeup. I have to spend hours in front of the mirror to
achieve what you wake up with.”

I turned to look at her and frowned. “What I wake up with?
Bed head and a puffy face?”

Shaking her head, she said, “No, sex appeal. You can’t fake
that shit, and you were lucky to be born with it. Even standing here with your
messy hair, non-existent makeup, and fucking mascara all over your face, you
still look sexy. Any guy would pick you over me any day.”

She was wrong, but I didn’t have the energy to argue.
Besides, I hadn’t been laid in six months so I didn’t know where all these men
were who she thought would be interested in me. “I still hate you,” I said, and
resumed my journey to the front door. My thoughts had shifted now to how I was
going to break it to her that I needed a night off rather than a girl’s night
in. Maree wasn’t one to give up easily when she was on a mission. And her
mission at the moment was to get me through my grief. What she didn’t seem to
understand was that time spent with her wasn’t going to take away my sadness.

As I unlocked the door and entered my house, I could hear
her rambling on about her day. Her words drifted in and out as I trudged down
my long hall to the kitchen at the back of the house. I caught snippets of
‘those kids will be the death of me’ and ‘it’s only February and I already need
a holiday’. But mostly, I was lost in a fog where her words floated in my mind
alongside images of Jeremy. Laughing, being a dickhead, dancing…all the fun
we’d had over the years had replayed over and over in my mind this week. Like a
movie. A movie I couldn’t switch off.

“Evie! Are you listening to me?”

Her shrill tone snapped me back to the moment. “What?”

She dumped her bag on my cluttered kitchen counter, and my
attention drifted to the mess. I never let my house go like this, but this week
I just couldn’t have given a shit about it, and it showed. Dishes were piled
next to the sink, unopened mail lay scattered on the counter, and other junk
had accumulated that I didn’t have the energy to sort out.

“Evie!”

I blinked and gave my attention back to her. Pulling out a
seat at the kitchen table, I sighed and collapsed onto it. Looking up at her, I
said, “Sorry, I’m not with it this afternoon.”

I’m with Jeremy.

I wish I was with Jeremy.

She sat with me, her face full of sympathy and concern. “I
know, but you need to get yourself together because the funeral is tomorrow.”

All of the grief and anger I had churning in me spewed out
and I was helpless to stop it. “I don’t have to get myself together, Maree.
Fuck that. I’ll go to the damn funeral but I’m only doing that for Jeremy, and
he wouldn’t have given a shit if I was the crazy lady at the funeral who howled
her way through it and let her fucking mascara drip all over the seat. In fact,
he’d
want
me to be the crazy lady. He was always telling me to let
myself go and just feel. Well, fuck it, after all this time, I’m not going to
give a fuck about appearances. I’m going to feel it all, and if anyone doesn’t
like the way I deal, they can go screw themselves.”

Her eyes widened, clearly surprised at my outburst, but she
gave me a big smile. “Well, okay then! I’m liking this new Evie.” She reached
into her bag and pulled out a packet of facial cleansing wipes. Maree kept a
full kit of makeup on her at all times. Passing a wipe to me, she said, “Here,
clean off your mascara, babe.”

My face was the least of my worries, but I took it from her
and did as she said. “I’ll be okay on my own tonight.”

She frowned. “I don’t want to leave you on your own.”

“Maree, I’m going to get through this. It’ll take some time,
but just because I’m a mess doesn’t mean I can’t be on my own.” I paused and
then added softly, “I
need
to be on my own tonight.”

Her lips pursed together. I knew this was going to be a
battle. Maree was the kind of person who always needed to be surrounded by
people whereas I didn’t. I craved time to myself and felt like I would go crazy
when I didn’t get enough of it. “I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Evie.
I don’t mind hanging out with you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

My weariness intensified. I just wanted her to go so I could
have a shower and then curl up in my bed and wallow in my grief. She wasn’t
making it easy for me, though, and even the thought of having to argue with her
over it heightened my exhaustion. “No, that’s not what I’m worried about. You
know me, and you know I like time to myself. That’s all this is about. I know
that you think you know better about what I need, but just because it’s what
you
would want if you were me doesn’t mean it’s what
I
want. Can you
understand that?”

Hurt flickered across her face but she covered it well and
nodded. “Okay,” she whispered and pushed her chair back to stand. Looking down
at me, she said, “But if you need me, all you have to do is call.”

As relief filled me that she’d listened, I reached for her
hand and squeezed it. “Thank you. You’re a good friend.”

She slung her bag over her shoulder and gave me one last
smile. “I’m always here for you, Evie. I just wish I could take away all the
bad shit for you.”

I gave her a weak smile and nodded. “I know, babe. I know.”

When the front door closed shut a couple of moments later, I
took a deep breath and then pushed it back out. My heart sat heavy in my chest.
Over the years, so many people had stomped on it, but this felt the worst.

Maybe it had finally taken one too many beatings.

Maybe the patches I’d given it were no longer enough to hold
it together.

Maybe it needed more than bandages to put it back together.

And if that was the case, I was screwed.

Love had packed up and walked out of my life a long time
ago.

Kick

“You ready to fuck some assholes up?” King asked me as he
passed me a beer.

I took the drink and drank some before asking him, “Who?”

He shifted forward in his seat to speak which was a good
thing. Even though it was only eleven in the morning, it was busy in the
clubhouse bar and the noise, combined with the deafness in my left ear, made it
hard for me to hear what he was saying.

“Someone who fucked with someone I love. And whoever is with
him when we get to him.” He took a swig of his beer and sat patiently waiting
for my answer.

I didn’t ask him any further questions. I never did. When
King had a job for me, I did it without hesitation. Looking at my President
now, I thought back to the first day I’d met him. Thirteen years ago. I’d been
twenty-two and he’d only been a couple of years older, but, even back then,
he’d been a law unto himself. He wasn’t our President at the time, but all the
boys knew he’d be the next one.