Indulgence (380 page)

“There wasn’t anything you could have done. You still came
back for me. You found me. You took responsibility. You can’t protect me from
every little thing, like some parent who won’t even let their kid play in the
back yard for fear of him falling down and scraping a knee—”

“It’s a little more than a scraped knee. They could have
killed you. Ross isn’t going to take it easy on you now, either.”

I pushed myself to my knees. The sex was supposed to make
everything better, not lead to another argument. “I know, and no matter what
you say, I’m not going back on what I said. I’d rather be here until the end.
Even if you could get me out—”

Kirk rolled, pinning me under him. He braced his elbows on
the outside of my shoulders so that his knuckles just brushed against my
cheekbones. “Are you more afraid of what would happen here if you left, or
what’s going to happen when you go back to your life?”

“Both…” I admitted. I hadn’t let myself consider the latter,
but I had no idea. I didn’t know how to cope with everything that had happened
when I got outside of these walls.

Here it was normal. Out there it was debauchery and murder.

“I want to make sure you have the best shot. I’m already
bent, so—”

“Silver, the last thing I want to do is add to your
nightmares and regrets.”

“They’re a part of me either way; I’d rather something good
come out of it.”

“You never actually answered my first question,” Kirk
whispered, tracing my bottom lip with his thumb. “What made you give in?”

“I did answer.” I pressed my palms to his skin and slid them
down his hard sides. “You made me change my mind. After I ran, you were
different. Before, you kept me at arm’s length. I didn’t think you wanted me.”
I bit my cheek, watching the play of emotions on Kirk’s face. “I mean, I felt
alone. Completely isolated, and the only person who ever looked in on me just
thought I was some damn burden.”

A burst of air escaped his lungs. “You fought because you
were afraid you didn’t matter?”

I shook my head and dropped my head against the pillow. “I
fought because it was the only thing I had.”

Kirk rolled and put his hand on my stomach. “I didn’t want
you to get close. I could only play the monster up to a point, beyond that… I
had to keep you afraid and distant enough that you wouldn’t do something
stupid. But you just kept doing stupid things.”

“I’ve had a lifetime of practice at that—pushing people to
the edge instead of doing what I’m told. I gave in with you, because I figured
it was better to have someone fully on my side. And in here, I didn’t want that
person to be anyone but you.” We’d each pushed the other to the point of
dangerous vulnerability, and all of the little things I hadn’t understood
before began to take on a new clarity.

“And then the world spiraled out from under both of us. I
started letting myself do things to you that I promised myself I wouldn’t.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” I muttered. “I know I shouldn’t enjoy
it, but…” There wasn’t really any denying it, he was good. And I wasn’t going
to tell him that to his face. I was getting attached to a man I barely knew, in
an impossible situation.

I knew it.

But, I couldn’t pull away.

I found my only shred of sanity by indulging in him. By
finding pleasure where I could.

“Well, if you don’t want to enjoy it, I can stop working so
hard,” he said with a smug smile.

“Don’t even think about it.” I poked his side with my finger
and closed my eyes.

It wasn’t like I was confident that I’d ever have mind
blowing sex again. Maybe there was a possibility, but I certainly wasn’t good
at picking out the mind-blowing sexperts in real life.

Then, I wondered if I’d ever want sex again after getting
out of there.

Sex—both good and bad—was intrinsically linked to the
experience. “I may as well enjoy it while I can.”

I didn’t realize that I’d spoken the words out loud until
Kirk’s eyes hardened.

“I didn’t mean that to be as dire as it sounded,” I said
quickly. “Can we stop talking about all of this now? I’m sleepy.”

“You’re wide awake. What are you afraid of telling me?”

I pressed my head deeper into the pillow, cursing him for
wanting to drag things out of me. Sometimes I missed the days when he didn’t
want to talk about everything. “If I told you that, it’d defeat the purpose of
being afraid.” And that was the whole point.

“You’re no more fucked up than I am, Silver.”

“What happens to us after it’s over—and I don’t mean us as
in couple—I just….”

“We’ll probably buy a lot of cats.”

I laughed so hard that I started coughing again. “Nice,” I
grumbled.

Kirk rubbed my back until the fit subsided.

“We’ll be okay,” he promised, but the conviction didn’t
quite show in his eyes. “They’ll probably lock me in a room with a counselor
before setting me lose on society again. I’ll make sure they make arrangements
for you, too. Whatever you need.”

“I’ll need people who won’t look at me like a freak. What am
I going to tell people? It can’t be the truth. They’ll go all pitiful on me
until they find out what I did, and then it’ll turn into the blame game. That
is, if it doesn’t start out at the blame game. ‘What the hell were you doing
that you don’t even remember being abducted?’”

“Gabe drugged you, it knocked out your memory; it wasn’t
anything you did. It’s not your fault. We’re programmed to survive. Hell, we’re
programmed to want contact and connections with people. There’s nothing wrong
with you.”

“Still. I’m looking forward to going back home and getting
the short end of the stick whether I tell anyone the truth or not.”

Kirk nuzzled my cheek. “You and me both, Sugar.”

“First time you called me that, it made my skin crawl. Now I
can’t get enough.” I took a deep breath and watched him for a few minutes.

I couldn’t help but wonder what he would be going back to,
who he would be going back to, but I didn’t dare bring it up. My eyes fluttered
closed. Lips pressed against my temple, and the arm on my stomach gripped
tighter around me, as Kirk settled next to me and prepared to go back to sleep
himself.

Interlude Disrupted

We expected the rushed “Initiation” to mean that Milo had
changed his plans and was coming early, but for the next week, everyone,
including Ross, left us to our own business, and to wonder why everyone was
being suspiciously quiet.

I assumed that everyone had their own way of preparing for
the head badass to show up. For Kirk and me, it was gathering around the
kitchen table, shoving food into our mouths and hunkered over a crossword
puzzle. It was a strange atmosphere—there was no more Master and slave stuff
behind closed doors, but we didn’t really talk about it either. Instead, we
were more interested in the temporary distractions that made us forget where we
were and what was coming.

Sometimes we cooked side-by-side in the kitchen, and even
once, I attempted making breakfast on my own. But at burnt eggs, Kirk swore to
never leave me unattended again.

Not that I could really ever get more than ten feet away
from him for more than a few minutes anyway. He almost refused to leave me in
the apartment alone, even for brief business.

Kirk’s phone jumped, and I drew back, instantly expecting
the worst. He put one hand on my knee, and flipped his phone over with the
other, drawing his thumb over the screen and typing in his security code.

8-4-7-3. I wasn’t sure if he realized that I’d now watched
him enter it a few dozen times, or that I’d memorized it, for whatever reason,
but he didn’t seem to care that I was looking right at the phone.

“Doc wants to see you so he can check your lungs and give
you a birth control shot.”

“Joy of joys,” I muttered. I hated needles, and the only
reason I’d gone on the shot in the first place was because I was horrible at
remembering to take the pill. One pregnancy scare was enough for me. The
checkup seemed particularly redundant since Milo’s arrival the next day meant
it’d all be over—one way or another.

“Go get dressed,” Kirk said, picking up our empty plates. He
was usually fully dressed by breakfast, but I preferred my robe. Especially
since it covered more than anything else in my current wardrobe and was far
more comfortable.

I put on a pouty expression as he turned back to face me.

“My being nice to you apparently isn’t serving you well.” He
crossed his arms, and I watched his muscles move under his tattoos. He took one
step toward me, and my body felt heavier in the seat.

I pushed him just as much as ever, somehow finding pleasure
in his reactions.

In having his attention focused directly on me—as if it
wasn’t usually, there was just something about the intensity of his glare when
I pressed his buttons.

He pressed one hand on the table in front of me and leaned
into my face. My body tensed, but I managed to hold the daring smirk to my
face, even as his breath brushed across my skin.

Hooking a finger under my chin, he pulled me to my feet. “We
don’t have time for this.”

“Lately, time is all we have had.”

“All the more reason to get this over with.”

I hummed and pressed against him.

“I meant going upstairs to….” He took a deep breath,
apparently losing his words. Swallowing audibly, he pressed me against the
table. “Why do you have to press your limits now?”

“Because I have a bad feeling about leaving the room,” I
said.

“So, your plan is to make me walk around with a raging
hard-on,” he grunted but didn’t step away.

“We could remedy that.”

Kirk shook his head as he lifted my hips, and I wrapped my
legs around him.

“You—” he shook his head. “Sometimes, I seriously question
your sanity.”

“Why? Because I’d rather be locked up here having sex with
you than,” I waved my hand to the door, “out there?”

“And you’ve decided to use sex to get what you want now?” He
captured my mouth in a kiss that ended too soon, and then pulled me away and
sat me on my feet. “Get dressed, Silver. I’ll make it all worth your while when
we get back.”

Smirking, he patted my ass and waved me on to the living
room.

I stomped away, rolling my eyes when I knew he couldn’t see
me. So much for that delay.

“You know,” he drawled, leaning against the doorway to the
kitchen, “you still look pretty sexy when you sulk.”

I stopped, looked over my shoulder and stuck out my tongue.
If that wouldn’t get the fucker’s blood curling, nothing would. He merely
raised an eyebrow and turned his back.

I huffed and shook my robe off, hooking it over one of the
bedposts and pulling on a tank and a pair of shorts—surely acceptable attire
for a trip to the doctor, although I still hadn’t been able to decipher the
dress code here.

When I came out of the bedroom, Kirk hooked the leash to my
collar. He hadn’t used it since my first week here.

“Seems you’re getting a little out of control.”

I lowered my head but peeked up at him, “Are you really
complaining?”

Making a sound in his throat, he crossed his arms over his
chest. “You’re worrying me a bit.”

I relaxed my shoulders and leaned against the wall. “I
really do have a bad feeling.”

“Becoming reclusive after an interrupted week?”

“Last time—” my nails dug into my palms as my hands
tightened. “I’m—I want control over something. I don’t just want to sit around
here and have to jump when someone tells me what to do.”

Kirk held up his palm, and I unclenched a hand, placing my
fingers against his.

“I wish I could give you that,” he whispered against my ear,
“I’ll get it back for you. Just play your part and give me a little more time.”
He sealed his promise with a nip to my neck, then straightened and gave me a
wink.

I nodded, unsure if my voice would be steady enough to talk.

*****

The infirmary was cold. Colder than usual, it seemed, but
the last time I had been here, I wasn’t conscious of much except pain and crazy
hallucinations. The doctor was nowhere to be seen, but Kirk led me to the exam
table and I climbed up. He removed the leash and left a peck on my forehead.

I kept my head down, hands loose at my sides, playing the
perfect slave—at least as close as I could get.

The doctor came in from the side door, syringe already in
hand. I closed my eyes, ignoring the rapid thumps in my chest as cold alcohol
touched my arm.

Next to me, Kirk spun the chain leash, curling it around his
hand then reversing the direction to uncurl and curl it again. I concentrated
on the spinning leash until the needle pierced my skin and muscle. I counted
off the seconds as the liquid seeped into my body.

The doctor pulled the stethoscope away from his neck. I sat
forward as he listened to my lungs.

“Sounds like she’s all clear,” Clarence said.

Can we go now
?

“Anything else need checked while you’re here?” He spoke
only to Kirk, as if I wasn’t there. Apparently, he only acknowledged my
existence if I was in critical condition.

“No, she seems to be healing.”

“I’m sure Ross will be happy to hear that.”

Even without looking at him, I could feel Kirk stiffen.

“I recommend restricted activity for at least another week,”
the doctor said. “I’ll make sure Ross knows. He let things get out of hand—”

“He pushed things out of hand,” Kirk corrected.

“Not really any more than usual. You just don’t try to see
it.”

Kirk was getting pissed, and there was nothing I could
rightfully do to ease his temper. The doctor stepped in front of me, closer to
Kirk, but that meant his back was not to me. I looked over his shoulder and
shook my head.